guava

So I went through with the divorce yesterday and instead of feeling more at peace I feel like I can't breath. I feel this crushing panic like I made the wrong decision and have ruined everything. I'm trying to calm down but right now feels freakin awful!

Did anyone else feel like this? Please tell me it gets better.

suki44883

It will get better. You are stepping into the unknown and that is always scary. But just take one day as it comes before moving on to the next one. Don't future trip or worry about what might happen, just move through each day doing the best you know how.

You are going to be fine. (((HUGS)))

LexieCat

I only felt that way after my weddings.

I'm sorry, but it's true. Nothing is irrevocable--if you ever reconcile you can get married again. I'd sit with this decision a good, long while, though. Your life is no longer tied to the whims of an unreliable alcoholic.

You posted this a short time ago: Sounds to me like you did the right thing for you and your son.

LifeRecovery

When I first heard about my divorce being final, I got a terrible wave of sadness over me.

It stuck with me for the rest of the day.

It took me time, but it did get better. It helped me when I could reframe it (what I was not missing out on like drunk episodes, money challenges, etc). Also what I would have missed out on if I had stayed.....my own self-care, a great course that I took, etc.

biminiblue

I think it's normal to have trepidation.

When I got divorced I was a little panicky, too. I was also happy and know that it was the right thing to do. It wasn't how I wanted things to go, I just had to do it.

Seren

Oh guava yes, it does get better! I had the same crushing panic when my ex and I divorced. Please give yourself some time and care, I promise that the reasons you made the decision in the first place have not changed. Sending good thoughts and prayers for peace!

Thomas45

Get out a piece of paper and write down every single thing you can remember that your alcoholic spouse did to hurt you, emotionally or physically. After you're done your list, give it a serious read, and then decide if it was you who ruined everything, or your spouse's alcoholism that ruined everything. I think you'll find that you're not as guilty for leaving as you think you are.

NWGRITS

My exhole wasn't even an alcoholic and I still felt crushed the day of our divorce. My AM was practically doing cartwheels down the courthouse steps and I was fighting back tears. Did I want to stay married to him? No. Was the relationship healthy? Not by a longshot. But I still had this intense sadness and dread because I had closed a chapter that was supposed to be one of the happiest of my life. I was scared of being alone, being a single mom, and starting over. It's completely normal, and it will pass. Just keep reminding yourself of the hell he put you through.

firebolt

You are grieving that what you wanted with him wasn't possible - totally normal. Take care of yourself, things will look up!

ajarlson

I was ready for divorce years before it happened, had distanced myself emotionally and was SO relieved when I finally pulled the trigger. And even then, I had to listen to the recordings I had made of him when he was drunk and threatening and verbally abusive sometimes, just to make sure I really did the right thing. Why? Not sure. Maybe there's always a small hope that the person can change and things will be better, perhaps we fear change - all I know is that life right now has never been better. Hang in there, and do this "Get out a piece of paper and write down every single thing you can remember that your alcoholic spouse did to hurt you, emotionally or physically. After you're done your list, give it a serious read". Remind yourself that you and your child are worth more, you deserve more. You and your son are valuable and precious and you're doing the right thing for both of you.

guava

I want to thank everyone for their kind words. I was surprised how hard (and how physically) the whole situation hit me. This ------> was very helpful.

My therapist actually had me do something similar a month or two ago because she was concerned that I wasn't really "feeling my feelings." I certainly am now!

SeriousKarma

Glad you're feeling better today Guava. I guess you could always keep that piece of paper in your pocket in case you need to refer to it again. ((((((((( hugs )))))))))

zoso77

I've never gone through a divorce, but I think I understand what you're feeling.

Grief. Loss. Regret. And the normal fear and apprehension we experience when one part of our life comes to an end and another one starts.

I'm guessing since you're here at SR and posting here at FFA that circumstances with your then-spouse led you to make the decision that was finalized a couple of days back. It doesn't matter how good the reasons are to end it, or how justifiable your decisions are...when a marriage ends, it sucks. It effin' sucks.

But no one every said doing the right thing was ever going to feel good. A lot of times, it doesn't.

Everyone we've loved, and everyone we've lost, we carry for as long as we live. You'll carry your ex. My hope is that weight and burden lessens over time, and when you settle down a bit, you will understand that you needed to do what had to be done.

FeelingGreat

Guava, so many people don't have the courage to take decisive action to protect themselves and their children. You obviously have a lot of self-esteem.

You could re-formulate your thinking along the lines of 'It's natural to have sad thoughts about what could have been, but I have made a positive move and I have my whole life ahead of me.'

BTW, to give you some perspective, I watched a forum program last year where a woman told how she had lost her young son in a car accident where the car was driven by her XAH on visitation. It brought home to me how real the risks are when you combine alcoholics with care of children.

LexieCat

Glad you're feeling better. It will feel like a shock for a little while, but it will get better quickly.

Hugs,