Sport513

My brother (28) is struggling with alcoholism. After the problem got very severe and he lost his job, he lived with my parents for two years during which time there was a lot of what I thought was enabling. There was a regular cycle of threats from my parents, him detoxing, relapsing, getting into trouble (health/legal/financial), and then another round.

I'm very proud of him and my parents for finally trying an inpatient treatment program to give him some tools and an opportunity to break the cycle. I realize it's not a cure-all, but it's something different and a first-time acknowledgement that there's a "real" problem at hand.

I'm against him going back to my parent's house after inpatient. I think there's a lot of codependency and enabling when he is there. I've seen him get progressively worse over the past two years. The triggering event was me taking him to the ER with a .400 blood level when my parents left him with my family when they went on a cruise. It also doesn't feel right to try and control him and the situation by continuing to suggest to my parents that they not allow that option (staying with them) and instead have him go to a sober house/halfway house when he gets out of inpatient. A part of me wants to make a stand and make my voice heard on this, but I'm unsure if this is helping the situation by making demands and suggestions.

So I guess my question is, what experiences or thoughts do others have about approaches when a loved one gets out of inpatient treatment? What are different attitudes and approaches to take when he's out? Step away and let him and my parents figure out what's next? Or get involved and try to push the courses of action that I think might help lead to recovery?

LexieCat

I think it's a good idea to take this time while your brother is in rehab to encourage your folks to go to some Al-Anon meetings. Maybe recommend that they read some books about alcoholism.

Ultimately, of course, you can't control their decision if they allow him to come back home. But if you can encourage them to learn more about family dynamics--enabling and so forth--now, while the pressure is momentarily off, maybe it will get them thinking. And then even if they DO allow him to come home, the dynamics might be different.

I'd be really careful about how you approach this, though--however much they enabled, they aren't responsible for his drinking, and you want to be very careful not to appear to be blaming them for it.

dandylion

Sport513....You might want to check out the "stickies" at the top of the main page for Friends and Family of alcoholics. Particularly, the one titled: "Classic Readings". It is like a mini introduction to alcoholism and co-dependency.
This might be good for your parents to read.

I suppose it is possible that the staff might recommend that he go to a sober living place after he finishes...HOPEFULLY!

dandylion

Sport513

Thanks. That's good advice. I feel myself gravitating towards that attitude sometimes, thinking, "He might be out of control, but they could put a stop this this if they wanted to, and they're not!" So besides appearing not to be blaming them, I probably need to work on not actually blaming them either.

My wife and I have monopolized the local library's addiction/codependency sections and have shared a lot of books and literature with my parents. At this point they're strongly opposed to attending anything like Al-Anon. Also, we've sat down and talked about enabling and co-dependency in a calm, matter-of-fact setting many times, but they don't feel like there's any of that going on. That's what makes it tough for me to figure out what to do. Do I continue to try to push them to agree/recognize what I think is enabling? Recently I've started feeling more at peace with a concept that goes

1. I've made my feelings clearly known
2. This is difficult for everyone, including my parents
3. At this point, it's okay to stop fighting against/blaming/pressing what I feel like someone else (my parents) may be doing
4. At the end of the day, he's primarily responsible for recovery, and focusing all my efforts on my parents and putting that responsibility on them is misguided

Refiner

I agree with going with points 1 2 3 4. You've done what you can. Don't make yourself miserable because you can't control them/him. You've done all you can. You can lead a horse to water, but...

LexieCat

Sounds to me like you've nailed it. You might want to tell them that you hope they will feel they can come to you if they're ready to take a different approach, but in the meantime, you've shared your thoughts and hope all goes well when he comes out.

You never know, it just might!

biminiblue

Exactly. You've done your part, which was to share knowledge and concern. Now step back and give it to God. It isn't in your control.