Do you think this was wrong of me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 306
Do you think this was wrong of me?
I'm just looking for opinions.
It seems like things I knew for sure long ago, I don't know so much anymore.
Like my mind has been completely mind f**ked. And I question myself and my actions all the time.
About a year ago or so, I gave AH an ultimatum: cut your ties with the younger girls that you are such close friends with and party with or lose me and our marriage (the same girls with the inappropriate phone calls, texts and out of state visit)
In a heartbeat he told me to get lost (not in those words)
Was I wrong to demand he cut ties with these girls that he proclaims are platonically some of his very best friends and supports?
Wrong to make them chose him or me?
Obviously I didn't exactly follow through with the ultimatum which I know is the wrong thing to do.
He chose them immediately.
That really says it all, doesn't it.
Sheesh.
I'm so dumb.
It seems like things I knew for sure long ago, I don't know so much anymore.
Like my mind has been completely mind f**ked. And I question myself and my actions all the time.
About a year ago or so, I gave AH an ultimatum: cut your ties with the younger girls that you are such close friends with and party with or lose me and our marriage (the same girls with the inappropriate phone calls, texts and out of state visit)
In a heartbeat he told me to get lost (not in those words)
Was I wrong to demand he cut ties with these girls that he proclaims are platonically some of his very best friends and supports?
Wrong to make them chose him or me?
Obviously I didn't exactly follow through with the ultimatum which I know is the wrong thing to do.
He chose them immediately.
That really says it all, doesn't it.
Sheesh.
I'm so dumb.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 90
No it's not wrong of you in my opinion. You see how inappropriate the friendships are. They would probably be inappropriate even if he wasn't an alcoholic. He's just choosing them because they support his lifestyle and his drunken "fun." I can only imagine how hard it is for you to leave so I don't judge you for that either. But maybe you should actually leave! For his sake and yours. You are not dumb.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
It does say a lot. I'm not sure he was really choosing because I suspect he knew you didn't really intend on leaving. He doesn't think you'll leave and he's doing an awful lot to make sure you can't.
Pink, I think you underestimate the level of abuse you are enduring. This man does not treat you like a person. He withholds food, transportation, love. He says you are expendable but at the same time keeps you imprisoned.
Please be safe and make your plans very carefully. You are not dumb. You are not second. You are smart and beautiful and lovable and, unfortunately, you are living with a man that is very sick and very abusive.
Pink, I think you underestimate the level of abuse you are enduring. This man does not treat you like a person. He withholds food, transportation, love. He says you are expendable but at the same time keeps you imprisoned.
Please be safe and make your plans very carefully. You are not dumb. You are not second. You are smart and beautiful and lovable and, unfortunately, you are living with a man that is very sick and very abusive.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It's wrong to issue an ultimatum and then not act on the outcome. By letting his behavior go and continuing to stay with him you're essentially saying it's ok. But please don't beat yourself up because most people go through stages before cutting the ties. It's a mental process ... for me the end was a relatively small thing and I snapped. That was it, no going back, it's over, get out. But it took time to get there psychologically. And for me it's two steps forward, one step back.
Have you tried Alanon? It saved my sanity. The support was invaluable in getting through the final ending. Most of all, it helped me take the focus off a destructive person and put it where it belonged, on myself.
A very big hug!
Have you tried Alanon? It saved my sanity. The support was invaluable in getting through the final ending. Most of all, it helped me take the focus off a destructive person and put it where it belonged, on myself.
A very big hug!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
Was it wrong? Well, I gave my exABF an ultimatum to moderate his drinking and he left me. I didn't see it as an ultimatum, but just as the "right" thing for him to do. Well, when I rambled on about his drinking and the incidents that led up to the breakup, I was expecting that they would all take my side and tell me that I was right and that he was wrong. Instead, most just told me, "well, if that behavior is unacceptable for you, then move on"...this isn't what I wanted to hear! BUT it is true. We can't control or cure others. If they are willing to do something to save themselves and our relationships, then thank God. But, if they choose to walk away when we set a boundary of what is acceptable, then we have to accept that it is their choice.
Your ultimatum was wrong only if you did not mean it and are willing to be with a man who has so many young lady friends that he parties with...if that is acceptable, then yes, you were wrong. For me, that is not acceptable and you were in the right. But that is just me.
Your ultimatum was wrong only if you did not mean it and are willing to be with a man who has so many young lady friends that he parties with...if that is acceptable, then yes, you were wrong. For me, that is not acceptable and you were in the right. But that is just me.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
pink...you have every right to draw boundaries for what you feel is unacceptable to you in a relationship.
Personally, behaving like an out of control college kid certainly WOULD be on my list of unacceptable.
dandylion
Personally, behaving like an out of control college kid certainly WOULD be on my list of unacceptable.
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
You weren't dumb, you were married.
Sheesh.
The vows really aught to count for something, don't you think?
Look, I doubt your threat could have gotten him to do anything but maybe up his lying game, but it really doesn't matter. In the end he is what he is and you called him on it.
The trick for you now is to figure out how you can take all of that awesome spunk of yours ('Cuz you're definitely spunky Pink.) and move forward out of this. Don't be hard on yourself. This is hard stuff. If anything you need to be extra easy on yourself right now. None of this "I'm so dumb" talk. You're not dumb Pink. As my mother would say "You were handed the sh*t end of the stick." And you're trying to do the best you can. Give yourself a big round of applause, and then a big hug. It's what I'd do if I were there next to you.
Sheesh.
The vows really aught to count for something, don't you think?
Look, I doubt your threat could have gotten him to do anything but maybe up his lying game, but it really doesn't matter. In the end he is what he is and you called him on it.
The trick for you now is to figure out how you can take all of that awesome spunk of yours ('Cuz you're definitely spunky Pink.) and move forward out of this. Don't be hard on yourself. This is hard stuff. If anything you need to be extra easy on yourself right now. None of this "I'm so dumb" talk. You're not dumb Pink. As my mother would say "You were handed the sh*t end of the stick." And you're trying to do the best you can. Give yourself a big round of applause, and then a big hug. It's what I'd do if I were there next to you.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 5,700
He shows no regard for your feelings or your well being. In fact, he treats you like a second class citizen in what should be a relationship among equals. And he's going to continue doing so unless he truly believes there are going to be negative consequences for him. Just my two cents.
Did you do the right thing? I'm not sure there's a binary yes or no answer. You were absolutely right in expressing your feelings, but the problem with ultimatums is that unless they are carried out any subsequent ones become less effective.
Take a step back; there's no money for you to get your car fixed and you had to sell your camera equipment, but there's money for him to go out partying. You deserve better.
Did you do the right thing? I'm not sure there's a binary yes or no answer. You were absolutely right in expressing your feelings, but the problem with ultimatums is that unless they are carried out any subsequent ones become less effective.
Take a step back; there's no money for you to get your car fixed and you had to sell your camera equipment, but there's money for him to go out partying. You deserve better.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 5,700
Originally Posted by Gonnachange 
.....
any subsequent ones become less effective.
any subsequent ones become less effective.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
That really says it all, doesn't it.
Are you sure you want 4 more months of this pr!ck?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
Honestly, every time you post I think - why is she putting up with that?!?! No one deserves to be treated like that! Then I remember how long I put up with my XAH BS and realize I am no one to judge. I think the first step was realizing that he treated me poorly and that I didn't deserve it. Then I could take the next step of separating myself from it. If you tell your SO that something he did hurt your feelings - HE SHOULD CARE and he should WANT to not do it again. You don't deserve any of this, you deserve to be respected and loved. I wish you the best.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think the biggest problem with almost any ultimatum is that by giving one, we are avoiding responsibility for making our own decisions. Look, you could have decided that these "friendships" were unacceptable behavior. If you wanted to give him a chance to show that your feelings were important you could see what he does after you've expressed that to him. And then, when his behavior continued to ignore your feelings, you could have decided this is not the kind of relationship you want, and left.
I think ultimatums are an attempt to force the other person to be responsible for what happens to US. Either they change, or they don't--and if they don't, we say that they forced US. It puts us in "reactive" mode--we are at the mercy of what THEY decide to do.
What if we just decided whether we were happy or not, and lived our lives according to what would make us happy, rather than being happy or not depending on what someone else does?
I think ultimatums are an attempt to force the other person to be responsible for what happens to US. Either they change, or they don't--and if they don't, we say that they forced US. It puts us in "reactive" mode--we are at the mercy of what THEY decide to do.
What if we just decided whether we were happy or not, and lived our lives according to what would make us happy, rather than being happy or not depending on what someone else does?
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Good share LexieCat. And good ideas!
Originally Posted by LexieCat
I think the biggest problem with almost any ultimatum is that by giving one, we are avoiding responsibility for making our own decisions. Look, you could have decided that these "friendships" were unacceptable behavior. If you wanted to give him a chance to show that your feelings were important you could see what he does after you've expressed that to him. And then, when his behavior continued to ignore your feelings, you could have decided this is not the kind of relationship you want, and left.
I think ultimatums are an attempt to force the other person to be responsible for what happens to US. Either they change, or they don't--and if they don't, we say that they forced US. It puts us in "reactive" mode--we are at the mercy of what THEY decide to do.
What if we just decided whether we were happy or not, and lived our lives according to what would make us happy, rather than being happy or not depending on what someone else does?
I think ultimatums are an attempt to force the other person to be responsible for what happens to US. Either they change, or they don't--and if they don't, we say that they forced US. It puts us in "reactive" mode--we are at the mercy of what THEY decide to do.
What if we just decided whether we were happy or not, and lived our lives according to what would make us happy, rather than being happy or not depending on what someone else does?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, but you aren't an alcoholic jerk, so he doesn't have to.
Relationships shouldn't be about how much misery you can stand. They should be about sharing your life freely with a true partner. Your relationship is more like a hostage situation.
Relationships shouldn't be about how much misery you can stand. They should be about sharing your life freely with a true partner. Your relationship is more like a hostage situation.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
pink,
Forgive me for being direct, but this is what you have chosen to put up with until your daughter is done with her senior year.
He is an a$$hole of the highest order. No one will ever dispute that.
But you have made a decision that this is what your life is going to be like for, at a minimum, the next 4 months.
Are you really, truly prepared for this? Because if you're not, and you don't have an escape hatch, you're effed.
And I don't want that for you.
Forgive me for being direct, but this is what you have chosen to put up with until your daughter is done with her senior year.
He is an a$$hole of the highest order. No one will ever dispute that.
But you have made a decision that this is what your life is going to be like for, at a minimum, the next 4 months.
Are you really, truly prepared for this? Because if you're not, and you don't have an escape hatch, you're effed.
And I don't want that for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
Ah staying for the kids. I did that. The XAH had been sober(ish) for a while but I really didn't want to be married to him. But I made the decision to stick with it until the last one turned 18. Many reasons, not least of which was that I knew when I left him he would snap - he was barely holding it together anyway and I was afraid he would really hurt me or the kids if I left and we had to have any dealings at all (also afraid of them being forced to spend time with him without me around after all that). Was going to wait until the last one graduated high school but he started going downhill quickly a couple months after she turned 18 so I got an apartment, a restraining order, took the kids and left. (18 and 21 - one in high school - one in college). I made that decision when the youngest was 14 and lived with it for 4 years. Hardest 4 years of my life but I have no regrets. I haven't seen him since the day he left for work and got served the restraining order, he doesn't know where I live and the kids see him on their terms. While I wish I could have left him years before, I did what I thought was best for everyone and now am living drama free and the kids are still living with me (going to college) and seeing what a normal life looks like. I wish you the best, stay strong and don't doubt your inner voice.
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