OMG They Have Threesomes!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
OMG They Have Threesomes!!!
Wow, what a day and evening it has been. Last night was my children's night with their dad. Apparently he was drinking so they called me to come and get them, I was very proud of them for doing this, it took some guts because he is very manipulative. They had spent an hour telling him they support him moving in w/his fiancée and getting married to her.
After I took them home, they told me they saw a text from their father to another woman saying she can come and pick up her stuff from his house the next day, and to do it before a certain time b/c he would be going to meet his fiancée.
PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME THAT THEY SHOULD NOT BE READING THEIR FATHER'S TEXTS. I know this. I have told them that, and that is not what this post is about.
I am friends with his fiancée. I think she is kind and good to my kids. They see her as much more stable than their own father, hence the reason they want him to move in with her. They were very upset about this text out of concern for his fiancée. It does pertain to them b/c on their dad's time they will be living with her also. If he cheats on her and kicks him out, they go too.
So, all of that being said, today I just boiled over. I went over to his place this morning and told him I know what is going on, that the kids were crying about it last night, and that it stops today. I said a lot of choice words. I told him to call her and end it right then. He said no. I then told him I would call his fiancée and tell her if he would not. He said OK. I was enraged, I could not believe that he would do this. So, I called her right in front of him. Basically told her that he is a piece of crap and all that he has done and is doing.
I SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THIS, AND I FULLY RECOGNIZE THIS. It was very very ugly. She very calmly told me to stop, that she knows. It took me a while to get it, but it finally all came out. They met this other girl together and have threesomes with her!!! OMG!!!! His fiancée confirmed this.
So...now my kids want an explanation and here is where I am stuck. Holy cow, I am just blown over. His finacee called me and begged me to please not judge based on their personal life. I explained to her they should keep it personal and not having phones laying out with texts to other women while he is too stumbling drunk to realize it.
I told her that is not a healthy relationship and that she need to find a psychiatrist today b/c she is clearly mentally unhealthy.
Ugh.....what a mess!
Ok I am asking for it.....thoughts from you guys??!!
After I took them home, they told me they saw a text from their father to another woman saying she can come and pick up her stuff from his house the next day, and to do it before a certain time b/c he would be going to meet his fiancée.
PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME THAT THEY SHOULD NOT BE READING THEIR FATHER'S TEXTS. I know this. I have told them that, and that is not what this post is about.
I am friends with his fiancée. I think she is kind and good to my kids. They see her as much more stable than their own father, hence the reason they want him to move in with her. They were very upset about this text out of concern for his fiancée. It does pertain to them b/c on their dad's time they will be living with her also. If he cheats on her and kicks him out, they go too.
So, all of that being said, today I just boiled over. I went over to his place this morning and told him I know what is going on, that the kids were crying about it last night, and that it stops today. I said a lot of choice words. I told him to call her and end it right then. He said no. I then told him I would call his fiancée and tell her if he would not. He said OK. I was enraged, I could not believe that he would do this. So, I called her right in front of him. Basically told her that he is a piece of crap and all that he has done and is doing.
I SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THIS, AND I FULLY RECOGNIZE THIS. It was very very ugly. She very calmly told me to stop, that she knows. It took me a while to get it, but it finally all came out. They met this other girl together and have threesomes with her!!! OMG!!!! His fiancée confirmed this.
So...now my kids want an explanation and here is where I am stuck. Holy cow, I am just blown over. His finacee called me and begged me to please not judge based on their personal life. I explained to her they should keep it personal and not having phones laying out with texts to other women while he is too stumbling drunk to realize it.
I told her that is not a healthy relationship and that she need to find a psychiatrist today b/c she is clearly mentally unhealthy.
Ugh.....what a mess!
Ok I am asking for it.....thoughts from you guys??!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Ugh. I do not envy you this situation.
It's a little too little, a little too late, but...if your kids want an explanation, "It's between your father and his fiancee" may have to suffice. It's also the truth. I don't condone any of their actions here, but this is in fact what comes of interfering in any way in an adult relationship (including, as I know you know and I am absolutely not scolding anyone for it), reading other people's texts. When we do not mind our own business, it can really blow up in our faces. The best we can do at that point is bow out of the situation as much as possible and let those responsible handle themselves.
That there is fallout to the kids is unfortunate but inevitable, in this circumstance.
Many long hugs to you hopeful. Again, I do not envy you dealing with this. I'm so sorry this is on your plate.
It's a little too little, a little too late, but...if your kids want an explanation, "It's between your father and his fiancee" may have to suffice. It's also the truth. I don't condone any of their actions here, but this is in fact what comes of interfering in any way in an adult relationship (including, as I know you know and I am absolutely not scolding anyone for it), reading other people's texts. When we do not mind our own business, it can really blow up in our faces. The best we can do at that point is bow out of the situation as much as possible and let those responsible handle themselves.
That there is fallout to the kids is unfortunate but inevitable, in this circumstance.
Many long hugs to you hopeful. Again, I do not envy you dealing with this. I'm so sorry this is on your plate.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think I agree with that. She has since text me and asked to speak to my older DD tomorrow so she can explain that their relationship is....different. Her words. I explained that I would like her to define different to me before she defines that to my daughter. Ugh....what a hot, gross, mess!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
well......i think you overstepped your bounds a bit there. you really have no business telling your ex how to conduct his personal relationships, and altho you are "friends" with the fiancee, i'd stay it would be best to back off of that a bit.
if they want to have threesomes, SO WHAT? what's unhealthy about that? three consenting adults. now, if this happens when the kids are there, differerent story of course.
and i know you say this isn't about your kids reading their dad's texts....but didn't somethin like this happen before? or was that somebody else? i don't think the fiancee should be explaining this type of adult relationship with children....it's WAY above their need to know!!!!
kids have to respect boundaries as well as adults, so if there is any LESSON here it should be about that. but not describing adult sexual situations or trying to rationalize them.
if they want to have threesomes, SO WHAT? what's unhealthy about that? three consenting adults. now, if this happens when the kids are there, differerent story of course.
and i know you say this isn't about your kids reading their dad's texts....but didn't somethin like this happen before? or was that somebody else? i don't think the fiancee should be explaining this type of adult relationship with children....it's WAY above their need to know!!!!
kids have to respect boundaries as well as adults, so if there is any LESSON here it should be about that. but not describing adult sexual situations or trying to rationalize them.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Ouch!
Why not put the ball in their and their dad's court since they are the one who snooped and just tell then to ask him?
Maybe it is also time to stop the little "reporters" in their tracks and tell them that you are not interested in their reports.
I am an ACOA and while my parents never divorced I can tell you from experience that kids from alcoholic relationship are very crafty and adept at setting up one parent against another.
Gets the spotlight off them and also get them a feeling of being validated and valued by the parent they are reporting to and feeding stuff to.
I'd bet anything that they report to their dad about you too.
hugs
Why not put the ball in their and their dad's court since they are the one who snooped and just tell then to ask him?
Maybe it is also time to stop the little "reporters" in their tracks and tell them that you are not interested in their reports.
I am an ACOA and while my parents never divorced I can tell you from experience that kids from alcoholic relationship are very crafty and adept at setting up one parent against another.
Gets the spotlight off them and also get them a feeling of being validated and valued by the parent they are reporting to and feeding stuff to.
I'd bet anything that they report to their dad about you too.
hugs
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
agreed with every word Anvil wrote.
I don't find it gross. I definitely don't think anyone needs to explain the guts of this to the kids.
last - those phones seem to cause more problems than their worth.
On the other hand - I think the fiance' should of never told you about the other girl. That's now opened another whole bag of worms.
I've have experience with this one...and while totally cracking up laughing at some of the verbiage here, I do at same time feel for you, Hopeful.
I don't find it gross. I definitely don't think anyone needs to explain the guts of this to the kids.
last - those phones seem to cause more problems than their worth.
On the other hand - I think the fiance' should of never told you about the other girl. That's now opened another whole bag of worms.
I've have experience with this one...and while totally cracking up laughing at some of the verbiage here, I do at same time feel for you, Hopeful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Anvil I completely agree on both counts, as I said in my text. Completely wish I had not done anything, but I did. My children were crying to me b/c they thought their father was cheating on their soon to be step mom who they care about. LESSON LEARNED!!!
Keep in mind, I could not care less what they do in their personal life, I just think it needs to be left as personal. I left out that a few weeks ago, while in the car with my daughter, he was facebook messaging someone else asking for pics of her in his favorite purple panties. Now, I could not care less, but really...you need to do that when you are spending time with my DD?
I have made it clear they should not intervene by nosing around, however it's up to him while they are there with him. Unfortunately, he was too hammered to notice. That was why I picked them up, he is not allowed to drink around them at all.
I don't think they need to hear about their father's sexual situations no matter who it comes from.
Keep in mind, I could not care less what they do in their personal life, I just think it needs to be left as personal. I left out that a few weeks ago, while in the car with my daughter, he was facebook messaging someone else asking for pics of her in his favorite purple panties. Now, I could not care less, but really...you need to do that when you are spending time with my DD?
I have made it clear they should not intervene by nosing around, however it's up to him while they are there with him. Unfortunately, he was too hammered to notice. That was why I picked them up, he is not allowed to drink around them at all.
I don't think they need to hear about their father's sexual situations no matter who it comes from.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
well......i think you overstepped your bounds a bit there. you really have no business telling your ex how to conduct his personal relationships, and altho you are "friends" with the fiancee, i'd stay it would be best to back off of that a bit.
if they want to have threesomes, SO WHAT? what's unhealthy about that? three consenting adults. now, if this happens when the kids are there, differerent story of course.
and i know you say this isn't about your kids reading their dad's texts....but didn't somethin like this happen before? or was that somebody else? i don't think the fiancee should be explaining this type of adult relationship with children....it's WAY above their need to know!!!!
kids have to respect boundaries as well as adults, so if there is any LESSON here it should be about that. but not describing adult sexual situations or trying to rationalize them.
if they want to have threesomes, SO WHAT? what's unhealthy about that? three consenting adults. now, if this happens when the kids are there, differerent story of course.
and i know you say this isn't about your kids reading their dad's texts....but didn't somethin like this happen before? or was that somebody else? i don't think the fiancee should be explaining this type of adult relationship with children....it's WAY above their need to know!!!!
kids have to respect boundaries as well as adults, so if there is any LESSON here it should be about that. but not describing adult sexual situations or trying to rationalize them.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
After I took them home, they told me they saw a text from their father to another woman saying she can come and pick up her stuff from his house the next day, and to do it before a certain time b/c he would be going to meet his fiancée.
I added it to my other post and I want to reiterate it too: they are very probably reporting on you to their dad too. Time to give them a little dose of their own medicine.
let them fess up to their dad that they snooped because it is not ok and they should face their own consequences (I am writing that assuming your husband is not abusive).
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Hopeful...
One of my best friends engages in sexual activities that I would not consider doing. He frequents a swingers club. What you have to understand is there are some people out there who get their freak on differently than you and I would. And they're able to compartmentalize how they do so with respect to the rest of their lives.
If your ex and his fiancée want to get their freak on this way, that's their choice and, frankly, that's their business.
How you square with your kids is up to you.
One of my best friends engages in sexual activities that I would not consider doing. He frequents a swingers club. What you have to understand is there are some people out there who get their freak on differently than you and I would. And they're able to compartmentalize how they do so with respect to the rest of their lives.
If your ex and his fiancée want to get their freak on this way, that's their choice and, frankly, that's their business.
How you square with your kids is up to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Well said Zoso! It's very hard for me to wrap my head around. I completely agree, they are free as birds to do what they want! I have my opinion to it as I am entitled to, but I won't voice that to them or anyone else.
It's fine with me if they report on me b/c I don't have anything to report LOL! I am sadly pretty boring! However, if I were to engage in behavior that I would not want them to know, I certainly would not leave it out on my phone on the table for all the world to see. His texts appear on his phone, so being kids they are going to look.
Again, my kids snooping is not what this is about. It's really just shock I guess.
It's fine with me if they report on me b/c I don't have anything to report LOL! I am sadly pretty boring! However, if I were to engage in behavior that I would not want them to know, I certainly would not leave it out on my phone on the table for all the world to see. His texts appear on his phone, so being kids they are going to look.
Again, my kids snooping is not what this is about. It's really just shock I guess.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Well, I think whether you're outraged about the idea of your ex having a threesome or not may depend on who he was (or pretended to be) when he was married to you.
If you both always thought threesomes are fine and that kids need to be taught that there are different "arrangements" adults can come to, you probably wouldn't mind.
But if on the other hand your conservative Christian husband of XX years divorces you and starts having threesomes, you might view it a little differently -- because the radical change would impact what values you could expect your ex to impart on your joint children.
Being the main parent who has to explain why Dad is doing things that he six months ago said was "wrong in God's eyes and will make you go to hell" -- it's kind of tricky. Just trust me on that.
If you both always thought threesomes are fine and that kids need to be taught that there are different "arrangements" adults can come to, you probably wouldn't mind.
But if on the other hand your conservative Christian husband of XX years divorces you and starts having threesomes, you might view it a little differently -- because the radical change would impact what values you could expect your ex to impart on your joint children.
Being the main parent who has to explain why Dad is doing things that he six months ago said was "wrong in God's eyes and will make you go to hell" -- it's kind of tricky. Just trust me on that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Lillamy, he sings in the praise band at church every Sunday LOL, however it's for his own ego, not because of his deep love of the Lord.
That being said, I think that is why I am as shocked as I am. It is not something I would think he would ever do. However, live and let live I guess. I just want my kids kept out of the equation.
That being said, I think that is why I am as shocked as I am. It is not something I would think he would ever do. However, live and let live I guess. I just want my kids kept out of the equation.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
Again, my kids snooping is not what this is about. It's really just shock I guess.
I guess I disagree with that, this is not the first time you have received private information about him as a result of their reading his phone.
You also just mentioned something about you daughter seeing his facebook account and purple panties. She then took that directly to you.
Maybe have another talk with them (the kids) about this. It could deter a lot of issues in the future.
My 2 cents
I guess I disagree with that, this is not the first time you have received private information about him as a result of their reading his phone.
You also just mentioned something about you daughter seeing his facebook account and purple panties. She then took that directly to you.
Maybe have another talk with them (the kids) about this. It could deter a lot of issues in the future.
My 2 cents
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
My xNPD is a nightmare guy, no boundaries, terrible dad. BUT he's also not abusive, which means I have very little ground to walk on when it comes to arguing about his parenting choices.
Eventually, I had to tell my son that short of abuse I was not going to intervene on his behalf, and that he needed to learn how to deal with his dad. I ALSO explained that his dad was a mess and I disagreed with just about everything he does except breathing (and even sometimes then), and not to expect that he could change or influence his dad's behavior by crying, manipulating, tattling, or arguing. In short, his relationship with his dad was between him and his dad.
Cheating? Bad, but none of their business, none of your business. Threesomes? Definitely not my choice, but none of their business, none of your business. My xNPD left his new wife last year, was openly sleeping with a coworker and leaving his phone around so DS15 could see his texts, and he and his wife separated for a time. None of my business. What I told DS15 is that the adults in his life might make choices he disagrees with, and it was up to him to decide how he wanted to live when he grows up. I tell him I hope he's taking notes. We talked about the ethics of what was going on, and I reiterated over and over for him to leave his dad's devices alone and to mind his own business. Same thing: Dad was leaving out the iPad and iPhone and claiming ignorance when DS15 saw stuff he shouldn't have.
Short of abuse or neglect, there's nothing you can do about what happens at their house. I HATE the way xNPD parents my DS15, but there is literally nothing I can do about it other than making sure MY house is healthy, happy, and safe.
Your kids are trying to cope with living in an insane environment at his house. It''s either time to call a lawyer or accept there's nothing you can do about it. I'm a big fan of just shaking my head, chuckling, and calling the dude a nutcase. People may get cranky about me "badmouthing" him, but I'd rather let DS15 know in no uncertain terms that his dad's conduct is unacceptable than otherwise.
Eventually, I had to tell my son that short of abuse I was not going to intervene on his behalf, and that he needed to learn how to deal with his dad. I ALSO explained that his dad was a mess and I disagreed with just about everything he does except breathing (and even sometimes then), and not to expect that he could change or influence his dad's behavior by crying, manipulating, tattling, or arguing. In short, his relationship with his dad was between him and his dad.
Cheating? Bad, but none of their business, none of your business. Threesomes? Definitely not my choice, but none of their business, none of your business. My xNPD left his new wife last year, was openly sleeping with a coworker and leaving his phone around so DS15 could see his texts, and he and his wife separated for a time. None of my business. What I told DS15 is that the adults in his life might make choices he disagrees with, and it was up to him to decide how he wanted to live when he grows up. I tell him I hope he's taking notes. We talked about the ethics of what was going on, and I reiterated over and over for him to leave his dad's devices alone and to mind his own business. Same thing: Dad was leaving out the iPad and iPhone and claiming ignorance when DS15 saw stuff he shouldn't have.
Short of abuse or neglect, there's nothing you can do about what happens at their house. I HATE the way xNPD parents my DS15, but there is literally nothing I can do about it other than making sure MY house is healthy, happy, and safe.
Your kids are trying to cope with living in an insane environment at his house. It''s either time to call a lawyer or accept there's nothing you can do about it. I'm a big fan of just shaking my head, chuckling, and calling the dude a nutcase. People may get cranky about me "badmouthing" him, but I'd rather let DS15 know in no uncertain terms that his dad's conduct is unacceptable than otherwise.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by zoso77
Hopeful...
One of my best friends engages in sexual activities that I would not consider doing. He frequents a swingers club. What you have to understand is there are some people out there who get their freak on differently than you and I would. And they're able to compartmentalize how they do so with respect to the rest of their lives.
If your ex and his fiancée want to get their freak on this way, that's their choice and, frankly, that's their business.
How you square with your kids is up to you.
One of my best friends engages in sexual activities that I would not consider doing. He frequents a swingers club. What you have to understand is there are some people out there who get their freak on differently than you and I would. And they're able to compartmentalize how they do so with respect to the rest of their lives.
If your ex and his fiancée want to get their freak on this way, that's their choice and, frankly, that's their business.
How you square with your kids is up to you.
< kidding >
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Seems like he is having a great time.
Drinking and two women in his bed.
Living the dream.
Or is he?
It's just more "trying to fill the unfillable gap"
A spiritually dead and empty man, getting his kicks the only way he knows how.
The book Alcoholics Anonymous advises that you view the alcoholic as a "sick" person.
That's just what he is.
Drinking and two women in his bed.
Living the dream.
Or is he?
It's just more "trying to fill the unfillable gap"
A spiritually dead and empty man, getting his kicks the only way he knows how.
The book Alcoholics Anonymous advises that you view the alcoholic as a "sick" person.
That's just what he is.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
