marcilou

Hi, this is my first post but I am certainly not new to this site I have been reading for a couple years now and relating and have finally decided to share my story.
I have been with my alcoholic boyfriend for 3 years now. He drinks whiskey, he used to buy it by the bottle and now he buys it by the case drinking a bottle a day. We don't and have never lived together but when we do spend time together I am enabling. I drive and take care of his children and mine.
He lives with his mother and father who take care of him the rest of the time.
He is high functioning in his job and he believes he is high functioning at home as well but "we all" know that he doesn't maintain like he claims to, his family and I maintain him.
I have whined and complained about the drinking the entire time but never really put my foot down very hard...wishful thinking most of the time. Plus I know he is good at manipulating my feelings, I've read about every self help article out there and I am practicality an expert on the facts but yet I am still struggling with this.

Some quotes from him
"I'll never go to any kind of rehab I'll set in jail before I will sit in any type of meeting"

"I know what I am capable of and what I can do, if you can't WAIT then that's on you, your loss"

"I maintain, my kids are well taken care of, I'm a good person, I'm not doing anything wrong"

That's just a few..
Anyway I have told him numerous times that I will not tolerate drinking or being around him drunk etc..etc...etc...... A couple weeks ago I put my foot down, well he agreed he needed to quit drinking and said he would start out by only drinking beer, I knew this wasn't the best idea but I accepted it for the time being. ..the days that followed I didn't hear from him as much because he knows I can tell right away if he has been drinking. I let him come over last Saturday, he came in with a 12 pack of beer but I noticed him going out to his truck and I knew he was drinking whiskey. I confronted him and he said "well I might as well just leave then!" He then drives to the bootlegger and comes back with another bottle of whiskey. Knowing that I won't usually make him leave and drive drunk this time I told him he had to leave I didn't care how. He then said
"You just want a man that don't do anything! "
"All I'm trying to do is have a little fun!"
"Sober or not I will always be better than you! "
And
"You ain't sh** in a n*****s yard!!!"
"You'll never find a man better than me!"
...he left and I haven't heard from him since but I know it's not the last....

Now, here I am hurt, confused, I do not want to be with him at all anymore but I am sick; ..and depressed could someone give me some type of insight as to what I am dealing with here? At what progression phase of alcoholism has he reached? Or does it even matter? I know at some point he will try to contact me and I need to keep my head clear. Im wondering if my self esteem had been beat down so much that I don't even realize it. I'm a strong woman but I don't understand how I have ended up stuck like this, I thought I was so in love and that we would be together and happy forever. I banked on his promises and not his actions, he makes me feel like I will strongly regret leaving him and that I will miss him dearly... I'm just all over the place right now and need some help, anyone, what do you think? And be honest and real as you need to be I need it, thanks

Plus, I have been through all the typical things a codependent goes through, I have thought that my alcoholic is different, and that one day he will just recover and be my knight in shining armor and that he will adore me for all I have put up with and endured and for all the love I have showered him with...I know better than this but I am still battling with leaving him when I know its what I should do.

I have also came to realize that he is highly narcissistic as well.

I never thought I would be in another predicament like this. I have "partied" in my lifetime but have never had any abuse problems and now I don't even drink socially I just don't care for it.

Im 35 and have been divorced twice. My first husband was an alcoholic and I left him no problem but I realize I didn't love him, 2nd husband was a pain pill abuser and I left him as well with no trouble, my boyfriend now I just love sooooo much and I don't understand why. I realize I have a history of codependency. My father was an alcoholic as well. Any help or advice will be appreciated

LemonGirl

You have come to a good place! Bless your heart. I will let the long timers give you the advice. ((Hugs)) and welcome!

Katchie

Hi there and welcome!! Sorry you're hurting so much. You will get great advice here.

I want to start by saying you made a courageous move by telling him to leave. That was bold and a great first step in the right direction. Keep that momentum by seeking out Alanon for yourself.

Big hugs!

marcilou

Thank you both, your kindness is bringing tears to my eyes.
Right now I am applying all the reasoning and help I have acquired towards helping him with his addiction to alcohol and using it towards my own recovery from him.

I feel like I have a plethora of knowledge and common sense to advise anyone in a bad situation but when it comes to applying it to myself I have a harder time. I seriously feel as if I am having withdrawals from this, I am physically sick to the point where I am vomiting and don't want to get out of bed.

firebolt

"Or does it even matter?"

It shouldn't matter to you. You deserve so much more. He simply is not capable of reciprocating contributions to maintain a healthy relationship. He is verbally abusive when his drinking is threatened, and he is choosing to drink despite the consequences of his drinking. Not ok, and you deserve much, much better.

Counseling and a support group like Alanon might help you get to the root of your choice to be with this man for as long as you did. Several people here have suggested writing a list of all of the miserable times he's put you through - that can keep you angry enough not to answer when he calls (and he will call.) Also - blocking him will help - from your phone, from facebook, all that.

I have so much empathy - I am in the exact same position - 4 years in - and struggling to just do what I need to do. (((HUG))) WE deserve so much more.

SparkleKitty

Marcilou, I too am the child of an alcoholic and I too chased down relationships with people who were unavailable (due to addiction mostly, but there was the occasional narcissist in there as well). I clung to these relationships with conviction and did everything I could think of to make them work the way I wanted -- namely, to fix the other person with the strength of my love and commitment.

Eventually I hit the bottom of my co-dependency and dove into counseling with everything I had to get at the root of my issues. I had tried resolving things through my relationships, and I had only dug myself in deeper. To fix the REAL problem, I had to learn to lavish the same level of love and commitment on MYSELF that I had formerly reserved for people who were not in a place in life to accept or appreciate it. To really do this, I had to forgo any kind of romantic relationship -- I thought they were validating me, but in reality, they were holding me back from fulfilling my own potential.

I know how it feels to want something so badly that you just can't accept a situation or a person for who they really are, despite mountains of evidence and a bonfire of red flags. Please keep sharing and posting here. Everyone here understands where you're coming from. Sending strength and hugs and clarity.

marcilou

Thank you, yea, I have told him many times that he just needs a woman who will drink with him, that seems to be the only way he can be in a relationship and have "fun", he says he would definitely not want to be with a woman who drinks... but yet he expects me to be fine with it, he is very devaluing towards women. He does not feel that "what is good for the goose is good for the gander"
As a man he feels he is very entitled and that I just need to do what he says, he has literally told me that, that if I just obey and do what he says then everything will work itself out...as if in his mind he is training me to be subservient and eventually I'll just break down and be his little obedient woman forever.
The only real solution to our problems is to "just be sweet", that if I just be sweet then everything will be okay, and that he can't even begin to think about fixing things and working things out if I am not ssweet

SparkleKitty

He is very clear about who he is, what he wants, and what he is and isn't willing to do.

What about you? A solution to a relationship issue isn't a solution unless it satisfies both parties.

marcilou

Thanks sparkle kitty, and thanks to whoever is reading this even if you do not have anything to say or reply. It feels good to unload. I have a best friend who has listened to it the whole time very graciously and the thought of him makes her sick now and I see why but shes still been there for me and listens but I feel bad for her because I'm sure she's tired of hearing it and probably wonders what my problem is and thinks I am weak, and I do feel weak

CodeJob

Welcome Marci,

Well, what do you want to do? Are you ready to make this argument a clean break and pull yourself out of this enabling relationship or do you want to apologize (because even though its not your fault, he probably wants you to apologize) and go another round?

One of the things that made me change my behavior with my RAH is realizing that I was more strict with my kid than my H. And as my kid got older, how was I going to deal with my kid when I clearly let my H walk all over me?

So glad you posted!

marcilou

you're right, he has said to me "you're just going to have to get over it", he is never even apologetic after a drunk episode of acting up. .he says he doesn't remember it anyway and that it doesn't mean anything.
The "in my head" rationalizing for this is that hes sick, ..hes got a disease, ,..he needs help, ..I feel so sorry for him, ..if he could just ....

marcilou

Right, when sh** has went down before and I quit talking to him he texts me with "you ready to kiss and make up?" Or (and I hate to admit this one) "you want some peter?" :/ ..and I'm bored, and yes, I'm lonely, and tired of fighting it and I just give in, and at first, its a tiny relief talking to him, but again, restarts the process of leaving, its like I relapse.

And yes, I have 2 teenage sons that I raise alone, and we have all had to deal with their fathers alcohol issues their whole life. I feel terrible for bringing another in to their life.

SparkleKitty

I know, we've all been there. For me, until I learned to accept my XABF for exactly who he was (and NOT who I wished him to be), nothing was ever going to change -- and it simply didn't matter why he did what he did. He was sick, yes, but he was content to be sick. And he had every right to stay sick! He was an adult!

But for me, unacceptable behavior -- whatever the reason behind it -- is simply unacceptable. XABF could go be contentedly sick somewhere else, with anyone else. I wanted and deserved a sober partner, which I now have. And which I couldn't have had if had chosen to keep trying to change my XABF.

Accepting people for who they are is really hard. Potential can be blinding. Good memories can be blinding. But we don't do ourselves or our partners any favors by trying to change them into people we CAN accept.

Katchie

I know you're hurting and confused. I know you've read everything you can find to read and are unable to apply it to your life.

You may want to seek out a therapist. Definitely a face to face alanon group would give you the opportunity to share and a sponsor could help guide you thru the 12 steps for your own recovery.

It seems to me your focus could use a good change from him to yourself. If you want change, start with you and other changes will happen as a natural result.

Hugs sweetie..you will be ok because you've already started the brave process of change by coming here.

INgal

I'm sorry, Marci, I only have experience with an AS but I just have to say that you seem FAR more intelligent than this guy. You should it allow yourself to be sucked in. He speaks to you in such a gross, offending manner. Hold your line and do your sons a huge favor by being their role model.

marcilou

Thanks everyone. I'm working at this even though I feel as if I have hit a wall of pain. Being separated from him I am also realizing and thinking about just how bad the emotional and verbal abuse really was. He never laid a hand on me and he prides himself on that but as I am here posting I am having serious anxiety over what he will think of me...I have nnever cheated on him and yet I get called a ***** pretty often, he says "well if you're not a ***** then it shouldn't bother you", . I deactivated my Facebook when I first really started to realize there was a big problem in the relationship, for 1. I was tired of faking a great relationship by only posting pictures of the good times and 2. He would get drunk and get on facebook and embarrass me. So I deactivated mine and talked him into doing the same so that we could work on the relationship. But every time we argue or I quit talking to him he threatens that if I don't sleep with him or see him again he will get on facebook and find someone else.
Since I made him leave I have reactivated my Facebook because I felt I needed to socialize and get back to life and yet I have tremendous anxiety over his judgment of this. I am shaking dreading a drunk text from him letting me know what he thinks, that I'm a ***** or that I look stupid, or that hes seeing someone else, he will and can hurt me and that I am terrified of. And it's things like that that make me give him the time of day, ill barely keep him pacified just so that he won't hurt me KNOWING that all I am doing is prolonging my unhappiness to a small drip instead of just letting it hit me and feeling it and getting it over with.

irisgardens

Marci--thank you for writing this post. The only difference in our situations is that I am 44 years into the relationship (40 years married) and wondering if it is too late at my age of 60 to get out...although every other hard thing in life I have confronted.

So...know that I just posted on a similar topic.

I think you are fantastic for recognizing it and I am going to seek out some alanon meetings in addition to my naranon meeting (for active heroin addict daughter--the 3rd of three daughters to do this--the 5th of six children...5 living--all adults now...and they are all acting as their dad did for so many years when the rose colored blinders or the exhaustion of so many issues were controlling me).

I am hoping to hear that 60 isn't too old...but I kind of know now that it can't be...because things will get worse...none of the above are willing to help me as I work hard to pay rent and bills without a job...they do not call and the youngest son who lives here has told me he won't (he used the word can't...but that was part of my therapy when I was working on a similar situation...the relationship issues were with narcissistic/alcoholic mom after Dad's death--and I was told that when I say can't it means won't...so I try not to say it)-:-)

marcilou

Wow, I can't even imagine, and as I have been writing this I feel a little bratty and selfish when all I have to do is woman up and say no, I do feel blessed that he and I don't live together, aren't married and have no children together. As simple as it may seem it still is not easy. My mother finally left my alcoholic father when I was 16, she was so unhappy and she stayed in there for me (their only child) when I remember thinking she should of left him a long time ago. Her staying resulted in making me feel resented as her only reason for enduring such misery for so long. She left him at 60 and once she broke free she was never happier. But my dad was miserable, and continued to drink and is still alone to this day. Two years ago he had to have open heart surgery and amazingly quit drinking cold turkey after being an alcoholic his entire adult life and he still isn't happy, he's a dry crotchety old man and it's really sad but unfortunately the way it is

SadInTX

"I maintain, my kids are well taken care of, I'm a good person, I'm not doing anything wrong" - this soooo sounds like my AH...
Mine also says to me, "I am never going to change...what you see is what you get." "I am a good man and a good father." (as he drives his 14 yr old son to the bar to play pool).
In my opinion they are too scared to see themselves for who they really are...it all revolves around FEAR. They fear we have the control...the control to say we are not happy, the control to put our foot down and say no more drinking...or the control to leave the relationship. He says, "just be sweet" and then everything will be fine. Mine says, "why do you have to act out?" "Why can't you just get it." They just want to drink and not deal with any consequences... us getting upset over their drinking or what we feel/how we react to their drinking interferes with their "fun", their "trying to forget" or whatever excuse they have for that day. I so know what you are going through because I am going through it too. Except I live with my AH..at least you could kick him out. I don't have that option.
I too need to go to Alanon like the others state here... but afraid what my aH would do..so for now I just come here. Keep posting. Hugs to you

marcilou

Thank you, and yes I hear the "you'll just have to get over it", and "why can't you just love me?",.. Even sadder is that we don't even live together and we never have. We see each other maybe once a week and I still can't stand it. He will call me nightly rambling like a bafoon and all I do is roll my eyes and listen. He thinks every word from his mouth is pure GOLD and that nothing I say has any relevance, and he proves his feelings on that by not letting me speak by either interrupting me when I speak or just talking really loudly over me. Our conversations consist of a lot of hanging up on each other. He will be so drunk he will call back and say "did I hang up on you or did you hang up on me"? Its ridiculous to think of what I put up with and typing it out on here has really helped the reality seep in for me. The mornings after he will text me "good morning beautiful " as if nothing happened or was said the night before.,, when I bring it up he says he doesn't remember, and if I persist he says that I just don't need to answer the phone at night anymore then if I have a problem with it. And if I dont answer then I am accused of cheating ....whew this is all very exhausting