gleefan

Hi folks,

I'm new to being on the opposite side of addiction, as I am a recovering alcoholic. While it's a simple concept to detach from someone who's drinking, I'm finding it's actually complicated when the person I'm turning away from, the person who's behavior I'm rejecting, is my partner's.

For the most part he's sweet and friendly when he drinks. Alcohol softens his rough edges. Yet since I've been in recovery, I've found hanging out with him and other heavy drinkers in our crowd to be spiritually deflating, joyless, and frustrating.

The more I do it, the more momentum I seem to gain, though. He has a friend who is in the hospital, dying from complications due to alcoholism, who he hasn't reached out to. I understand his hesitancy in this particular situation, as it's a terrible medical thing complicated by the fact that they've been out of touch for the past few years, however, it's cracked open some insight for me into an overall pattern of isolation in his life.

He likes people, but he doesn't keep in touch with anyone, either old friends or new friends. He doesn't see people unless I make the plans for us to do stuff as a couple. He never tried to connect with any of the couples that I hooked us up with over the years, and we gradually got edged out as husbands in the groups grew closer and did things together outside of the couple. I always thought that our life as a couple might be a little more complete if he made some connections with folks.

His only company outside of me is booze and tv. I am his entire world, which is why my recovery is such a threat to him. Part of the hesitancy that I've had with recovery is his clinginess. Just last night I slipped away to make a quick phone call and he stood over me watching me talk.

The lightbulb went off that although he's honest, a good provider and a good father, he's an isolated, controlling alcoholic who demands my attention, controls my behavior, sucks me dry of my resources, and takes no steps to meet his own needs. It's painful to see that he's suffering, but I know I can't change him.

I've seen that there is joy, happiness, peace, and love to be found in recovery. I've seen the interconnectedness we share with one another. I'm going to continue to take care of myself, even when my husband cries foul. I am going to continue to work on my recovery and enjoy the wonderful people I have found on my path.

Duckygirl1

Does he have any desire to stop drinking? It's harder when they're actually sweet and nice. But as sweet and nice as he is, it seems he's putting your sobriety at risk. You know as well as anyone that you can't control his drinking. His trying to control you is futile. That just cannot be. It may hurt him, but it has to be done for your life's sake. Can you establish some boundaries like you will be with him in company that doesn't drink, but won't be around heavy drinking?

What are you doing for yourself outside of him outside of the house?Are you going to meetings? Maybe an exercise class? A hobby? Just getting your nails done? Good luck dear one

Refiner

Oh gawd... that would be AWFUL! But congratulations and GOOD for you that you're on your own recovery path and are able to enjoy life and share it with others. Hopefully he will see this in you and he'll end up wanting a life for himself afterall. As you know, there's nothing you can do for him about that.

dandylion

gleefan...do you think he is co-dependent?

dandylion

gleefan

Dandylion - I picked up Codependent No More when I stopped drinking. I saw a lot of myself in the pages.

dandylion

gleefan....I get that..but, do you see HIM as co-dependent on you? People can be co-dependent on each other..... I think that is actually lightly mentioned in the book...

dandylion

gleefan

Good point. It was probably a mutual enmeshment.

How does someone move forward? The challenge is not to say "poor guy" and try to tell him he needs fixing.

dandylion

gleefan....I don't have an answer for that....except, to have your own clear boundaries..but, of course, this applies to about any situation, doesn't it...?...LOL!

dandylion

courage2

Gleefan, I really admire your post. I think your perspective is thoughtful and shows patience and fortitude, and I like that you're not giving him an ultimatum or anything dramatic. Your husband may still have some drinking to do before he reaches his bottom, and he might never reach it, but I know other alcoholics who've been through what you're experiencing, whose marriages have come out the other side of both partners' addictions stronger and better. I wish you continued growth in your own recovery and that your family grows as a result of your example.

LexieCat

Ditto what snarkbunny said. You don't have a crystal ball. I've seen marriages like yours make it when the other partner decides to join the sober one. Some don't. Either way, YOUR sobriety is awesome, and I think your head is screwed on exactly right.

Hugs,

gleefan

Duckygirl - In the year since I quit drinking I've been trying to figure out how I feel regarding my husband's drinking. Just now do I seem to be getting around to actually creating some boundaries around it.

My major hobby in the past year has been recovery. I do make it a point to pursue things that bring me joy, while still upholding my household responsibilities.

Dandylion - It's a brilliant point that you make. My journey in recovery has been largely about examining my boundaries, what I ought to share more of (real me), less of (false pride/ego), and with whom.

Courage - What a pleasure it is to see you!!!!! I am flattered by your kind remarks. I try to approach things in a practical and fair way because I couldn't rest my head if I overtly skewed the situation.

Lexie - It's helpful to hear whether I sound like I'm on the beam. Thanks! I understand that it's impossible to predict what the future holds. It reminds me of an Indigo Girls song The Language or the Kiss: "I said to you the one gift which I'd adore/ The package of the next 10 years unfolding/ but you told me if I had my way I'd be bored/ Right then I knew I loved you best born of your scolding." I will say this - my life has blossomed in some of the most tremendous and unexpected ways in recovery. I've found beauty in places I never would have looked if left to my own devices.

Thanks, everyone, for sharing your thoughts with me.

Katchie

I just want to send you hugs..