Resentment out to air...
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Resentment out to air...
I had a great day yesterday with a friend. We went to an animal shelter, a Garden Centre, and in search of non-existent bargains in flea markets. I then went into the city for coffee and did my Body Combat class at the gym before heading home for an early night. Busy busy. It would have been a 'perfect' day if not for a conversation with my friend that has raised my resentment hackles a bit. ...
Background... She was a neighbour; fellow teacher; gym buddy; house and cat sitter, and also my drinking buddy. She is still drinking and will say, for example, "I'm going to try not to drink tonight at home" and rarely manages it. She's happy with her life and doesn't want it to change, and was a bit peeved at me for stopping drinking, and made clumsy attempts to sabotage my sobriety at first, which she's admitted to (not that I needed her to - they were quite obvious). She can see that I'm happier now and serious about it so leaves it alone.
Last autumn she decided to leave her long-term partner because he was, in her words, "being a dick". I.e. depressed and life spiralling out of control, and unable to 'snap out of it' like she wants him to, and was bringing her down. She wants him to change and says she still loves him, and, 4 months on she still tallks to him daily and visits him, and tries to control him (through daily to do lists / nagging him). This in itself seems unfair of her, but I say nothing. This week she went to see him and reports that he's being "more of a ******** than ever" (I'm missing out the worst language by the way). Ie. he was tearful, and has been reading about alcoholism. He has realised that most of the statements on the website apply to him and he thinks this holds the key to him sorting himself out. He asks for her help. She (possibly remembering that AA has already stolen her best drinking buddy) loses her rag with him. Tells him that he's being stupid. That he's too weak to do what I've done. That he should stop being melodramatic and pretending things are worse than they are. That he should just moderate a bit....
She told me all this while I was driving, so I was able to stay quite calm. I told her that the statements on the website are a good indicator and it might be a good idea for her to read them if she wants to help him. I told her that it's highly unlikely that he'll be able to moderate if he's an alcoholic. I told her that support is invaluable and that he's got nothing to lose by going to a meeting. I then changed the subject.
I am bloody cross with her though. He trusts her to support him and she (I think) is only worried about how it might affect her. To be fair, she can't envisage a life beyond booze herself. She grew up in a pub, and (like me) socialising and relaxation for her means alcohol / oblivion. I suspect that she has hopes that he might snap out of it all, start working again, and then they can get back to normal, living together and going out on the **** together all the time. If he gets sober (without her help) and sorts his life out (without her help or to-do lists) she'll lose control of him completely, and then she'll have to move on. Scary for her!
Anyway - sorry about all that ranting. I do understand that it isn't any of my business, so really needed to get it out of my system before I see her later today. He (her ex) will hopefully trust his own instincts and get proper advice that is objective and will really help him. I'll continue to pray for him, (and for God to do with me as he will). If she asks questions I'll answer them by saying how it's worked for me. If she doesn't then I'll keep my gob shut, even if she's moaning about him. There. Easy eh!! *eye-roll*.
Background... She was a neighbour; fellow teacher; gym buddy; house and cat sitter, and also my drinking buddy. She is still drinking and will say, for example, "I'm going to try not to drink tonight at home" and rarely manages it. She's happy with her life and doesn't want it to change, and was a bit peeved at me for stopping drinking, and made clumsy attempts to sabotage my sobriety at first, which she's admitted to (not that I needed her to - they were quite obvious). She can see that I'm happier now and serious about it so leaves it alone.
Last autumn she decided to leave her long-term partner because he was, in her words, "being a dick". I.e. depressed and life spiralling out of control, and unable to 'snap out of it' like she wants him to, and was bringing her down. She wants him to change and says she still loves him, and, 4 months on she still tallks to him daily and visits him, and tries to control him (through daily to do lists / nagging him). This in itself seems unfair of her, but I say nothing. This week she went to see him and reports that he's being "more of a ******** than ever" (I'm missing out the worst language by the way). Ie. he was tearful, and has been reading about alcoholism. He has realised that most of the statements on the website apply to him and he thinks this holds the key to him sorting himself out. He asks for her help. She (possibly remembering that AA has already stolen her best drinking buddy) loses her rag with him. Tells him that he's being stupid. That he's too weak to do what I've done. That he should stop being melodramatic and pretending things are worse than they are. That he should just moderate a bit....
She told me all this while I was driving, so I was able to stay quite calm. I told her that the statements on the website are a good indicator and it might be a good idea for her to read them if she wants to help him. I told her that it's highly unlikely that he'll be able to moderate if he's an alcoholic. I told her that support is invaluable and that he's got nothing to lose by going to a meeting. I then changed the subject.
I am bloody cross with her though. He trusts her to support him and she (I think) is only worried about how it might affect her. To be fair, she can't envisage a life beyond booze herself. She grew up in a pub, and (like me) socialising and relaxation for her means alcohol / oblivion. I suspect that she has hopes that he might snap out of it all, start working again, and then they can get back to normal, living together and going out on the **** together all the time. If he gets sober (without her help) and sorts his life out (without her help or to-do lists) she'll lose control of him completely, and then she'll have to move on. Scary for her!
Anyway - sorry about all that ranting. I do understand that it isn't any of my business, so really needed to get it out of my system before I see her later today. He (her ex) will hopefully trust his own instincts and get proper advice that is objective and will really help him. I'll continue to pray for him, (and for God to do with me as he will). If she asks questions I'll answer them by saying how it's worked for me. If she doesn't then I'll keep my gob shut, even if she's moaning about him. There. Easy eh!! *eye-roll*.
I will NOT drink to that!
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Baltimore MD USA
Posts: 634
Hi Beccy,
This friend of yours sounds a bit toxic & codependent. Don't let her drag you down because you have been doing great! You seem to have the proper self awareness to continue down your journey of sobriety. Keep up the good work!
This friend of yours sounds a bit toxic & codependent. Don't let her drag you down because you have been doing great! You seem to have the proper self awareness to continue down your journey of sobriety. Keep up the good work!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Thanks Monica. I'm careful about when / where I see her. To be honest, I think most of the people I surrounded myself with were / are quite mixed up in many ways. This one's okay at heart. I worry more for her ex than I do for myself, as I have a support network, and she IS his support network!! xx
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
Like your friends ex husband, I had alcohol induced depression....the whole cycle thing.!!
Drinking to feel better, feeling like my life was just so hard....I got so stuck, I hope he reaches out beyond her. It is a good sign that he is reading about AA.
I don't know that your friend means any harm, or she just doesn't get it or doesn't want to get it.
Perhaps if he gets help and it certainly sounds like he need some help, talking to his GP, going to AA. It may force her to hold a mirror up to her own lifestyle.
It is good that you have other people around you that are more supportive.
Drinking to feel better, feeling like my life was just so hard....I got so stuck, I hope he reaches out beyond her. It is a good sign that he is reading about AA.
I don't know that your friend means any harm, or she just doesn't get it or doesn't want to get it.
Perhaps if he gets help and it certainly sounds like he need some help, talking to his GP, going to AA. It may force her to hold a mirror up to her own lifestyle.
It is good that you have other people around you that are more supportive.
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