Separated from Alcoholic Husband
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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Separated from Alcoholic Husband
I am very glad to have found this community.
I use to be a very heavy drinker, but I gave up that lifestyle when I realized I would not be able to continue a relationship with my husband (then fiancé). It took getting pregnant to completely change my behaviors. Over the course of two pregnancies and now having two children in diapers, I have completely restructured my relationship to alcohol.
My husband, however, has not.
We are currently separated. I found him with another woman last week. He was sober. He is now telling his friends and family that he has been miserable for three years (our oldest is two). He told me just six months ago that he was happy with me. A year ago he told me I was the perfect wife. Two hours before I found him naked with another woman, he told me he was trying so hard and wanted to work it out.
I feel like the ground has fallen out from beneath my feet.
Just disappeared.
I am in love with this man, and he has been almost completely unrepentant about cheating on me. Lying to me. Hurting me.
Is it normal for alcoholics to become different, uncaring people even when they are sober?
I use to be a very heavy drinker, but I gave up that lifestyle when I realized I would not be able to continue a relationship with my husband (then fiancé). It took getting pregnant to completely change my behaviors. Over the course of two pregnancies and now having two children in diapers, I have completely restructured my relationship to alcohol.
My husband, however, has not.
We are currently separated. I found him with another woman last week. He was sober. He is now telling his friends and family that he has been miserable for three years (our oldest is two). He told me just six months ago that he was happy with me. A year ago he told me I was the perfect wife. Two hours before I found him naked with another woman, he told me he was trying so hard and wanted to work it out.
I feel like the ground has fallen out from beneath my feet.
Just disappeared.
I am in love with this man, and he has been almost completely unrepentant about cheating on me. Lying to me. Hurting me.
Is it normal for alcoholics to become different, uncaring people even when they are sober?
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 68
Hi SwiftHeart,
Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry that it's under such circumstances. I've also joined only recently, and only found out a couple of hours ago there's actually many different sections to the forum, including family-related ones. I think there's also a woman's-only section too, so perhaps posting your story there might help as well, given the ladies there may have had similar experiences?
As for your question, I can only answer it based on what I've lived through. I found that during my binge (during which there would be very brief periods of not being drunk), my values still largely remained intact, but even when sober my actual actions spoke of a much more reprehensible individual. Often later in the evenings or in the early hours of the morning when I was slumped there at my drunkest, I'd feel much remorse and regret. The very next day once I woke up feeling relatively fresh, I'd often go a couple of hours initially without drinking - to do chores and what not, but in the back of my mind was an insatiable urge and desire for that evening's next big session, and I was irritable and often reacted like a different person (or just like the person I had become, I guess, but different from who I used to be).
Anyhow, I hope that you find some solace here SwiftHeart, it's a wonderful place.
Seb.
Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry that it's under such circumstances. I've also joined only recently, and only found out a couple of hours ago there's actually many different sections to the forum, including family-related ones. I think there's also a woman's-only section too, so perhaps posting your story there might help as well, given the ladies there may have had similar experiences?
As for your question, I can only answer it based on what I've lived through. I found that during my binge (during which there would be very brief periods of not being drunk), my values still largely remained intact, but even when sober my actual actions spoke of a much more reprehensible individual. Often later in the evenings or in the early hours of the morning when I was slumped there at my drunkest, I'd feel much remorse and regret. The very next day once I woke up feeling relatively fresh, I'd often go a couple of hours initially without drinking - to do chores and what not, but in the back of my mind was an insatiable urge and desire for that evening's next big session, and I was irritable and often reacted like a different person (or just like the person I had become, I guess, but different from who I used to be).
Anyhow, I hope that you find some solace here SwiftHeart, it's a wonderful place.
Seb.
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Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
My thinking was all over the board when I quit drinking. I ended a long term relationship, started a new one, moved overseas.. I was a total mess, but didn't even realize it. Removing the alcohol just exposed deeper wounds that I'm having to deal with now. I also deeply regret hurting my ex partner.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by Sebastian84 
Hi SwiftHeart,
even when sober my actual actions spoke of a much more reprehensible individual. Often later in the evenings or in the early hours of the morning when I was slumped there at my drunkest, I'd feel much remorse and regret. Seb.
even when sober my actual actions spoke of a much more reprehensible individual. Often later in the evenings or in the early hours of the morning when I was slumped there at my drunkest, I'd feel much remorse and regret. Seb.
It's been a very long time since I was in that mind frame, and I feel like I would have felt something if I had done what my husband has done. But I can't really say for sure.
Thanks for responding. I appreciate it.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by advbike
My thinking was all over the board when I quit drinking. I ended a long term relationship, started a new one, moved overseas.. I was a total mess, but didn't even realize it. Removing the alcohol just exposed deeper wounds that I'm having to deal with now. I also deeply regret hurting my ex partner.
Meanwhile, he's telling his friends he feels no remorse at all. That he's been unhappy for three years (which even his friends say they do not believe) and that what he did was not wrong.
I keep waiting for a human being to re-emerge. For someone who has the capacity to care for people who really, really love him.
I don't know if that's going to happen, though.
He has extremely deep wounds from his childhood. I have tried to get him to see a counselor or to do some kind of self-therapy for it (journaling, art, etc), but he has refused for years. I feel like it is all tied together, like feeling anything about what he's done will make him feel like that hurt little kid again somehow.
So maybe he can't afford to feel anything about it. I don't know.
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