beYOUtiful

My AH is in rehab. I took the kids for a visit Sunday. The kids had a good time seeing their dad, and he told me thanks for bringing them for a visit. We brought him a few snacks. I gave him a card with a note and the kids pics inside. Then I also gave him $20 for a haircut - he had asked me to ask his grandma for the $, but I did not feel comfortable doing that - he also said he had told her to give me the $, but I have not heard from her. Anyway...when we were leaving Sunday, he said, "I'll call tomorrow." For the most part, he has called every day...almost anyway. Well, no call yesterday, no call today. I don't know why I should care, we are separated, but I feel hurt and lied to again. I want to call up there and check on him and his progress, but then I feel that maybe that is just my codependency kicking back in. Thoughts? He is supposed to be discharged the 25th, then he is planning on going to an Oxford house after for at least a few months if not longer. We are also supposed to have therapy together next week - joint sessions and group sessions (Mon-Thu 9 to 5). Anyway.... If he does call tomorrow, do I ask about him not calling the past 2 days, or just leave it alone? If you've made it this far through my rambling, your thoughts and encouragement are appreciated!

FaithNhope12

I also have an AH and children so I can definately relate to you. The same situation has occurred as you with the not calling and I learned to do what I could to make myself better and try not to take it personally. Do things you like. Do things that's me you happy. Enjoy time with your kids and learning about who you are. I also found with my AH when he needed something he definatley called. You can say how you feel without being accusatory. Like when you don't calle and you say you will it makes me feel.... This way he won't get defensive. Be patient with him and his recovery and also with yourself. Codependecy takes time and work to get better. Progress not perfection. Say what you mean don't say it mean. Hope this helps!

Ann

I hear what went through my own head with my son for so many years..."is he or isn't he?" When he was actively using I worried. When he was clean or in rehab I worried about a relapse. I worried about enabling, I worried about his girlfriend(s) "setting him off", I worried about things that actually ended up happening and I worried about things that never unfolded.

Through all this, I made "myself" sick, with worry. My worry never once affected the outcome for him. He used or didn't use, regardless of whether I worried or not...and yet, I worried.

You have children, it's nice you took them for a visit. If that works for all of you, by all means, continue. Most rehabs give residents a weekly allowance for toiletries, coffee at meetings...and haircuts. My son never told me these things, I didn't find out until I worked at a rehab for a couple of years several years back. He also said that he needed money for the laundry machines...not so.

My suggestion is to remain in contact as usual, as long as contact is good for you and your children. If it is not, you get to step back until thing change. But if it was me today, I would not give money for anything, nor would I ask a family member to do so. I might take him for a haircut, but I would not give him money for one.

I hope your counseling sessions go well, for your sake and the sake of your children.

Hugs

allmirages

Really good points were made by Faith and Ann. My advice is to be very, very careful when it comes to giving money. My addict said he needed money to call me from the payphone, even though he had been calling on the free house phone. So, I gave him $5..funny thing is, I only got 2 payphone calls the following weeks...all the other calls were from the house phone. He had mentioned the guys play poker in there (which is against the rules) and several guys got thrown out for using. I imagine they had money that allowed them to get their DOC.

Please use this time away in a positive way for you and your children. Focus on them..and you. I found that when my addict was in rehab, I had worries like you, but then I got a sense of peace. I was away from the craziness of active addiction and had a lot more time to do stuff I wanted to do...to focus on me. I'm glad that they are offering counseling to you both, as well. Take advantage of any and all resources available, including support groups such as Alanon.

Blessings to you and your family!

zoso77

Do your best to let it slide.

What's important to remember is he's at a crossroads right now, one that's literally life and death. If he's to get well, that means he has to completely change the way he's been living his life. Instead of a life of indulgence, he has to learn to live life as an accountable, responsible adult. He has to learn how to sit with feelings he may not want to sit with. I can assure you that scares the crap out of him.

In this context, missing a couple of phone calls when you know where he is and you know what he's dealing with is not that big a deal. When you think about it some, you'll come to agree.

Take care of you.