Aha Moment! About Control
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Aha Moment! About Control
Let me first say that I mean NO disrespect to anyone by this post. But I was having the most difficult time relating to the controlling behaviors. idea as a codie. I mean, I am nothing like my xabf's ex-wife who would pour out bottles, control the money, or become enraged with him as if he was a child. I don't even like conflict and I despise treating others like children. I don't even really like being a leader.
After much thought, I finally figured out how I AM controlling! I take the role as the caring mother. I'm the nurse. I'm the counselor. I'm the go to girl who never says no. I'm the one with a wealth of information and can give great advice. I'm the shoulder to cry on and the ear to listen....
How slick of me to disguise my control tactics as helpful. How do I say this succinctly?
Even though I'm not outright trying to control behavior, all of my "helping" is aimed at bringing about change. I never saw that before! I did however realize that this tactic has left me unable to reach out for help for myself in the past. I hurdled that hump some years back. And I also realized years ago that this behavior trains the people in my life to take advantage of me and see me as a stronger person than I really am. It's just a front. I have needs to darn it!
Isn't self discover fun? Lol
After much thought, I finally figured out how I AM controlling! I take the role as the caring mother. I'm the nurse. I'm the counselor. I'm the go to girl who never says no. I'm the one with a wealth of information and can give great advice. I'm the shoulder to cry on and the ear to listen....
How slick of me to disguise my control tactics as helpful. How do I say this succinctly?
Even though I'm not outright trying to control behavior, all of my "helping" is aimed at bringing about change. I never saw that before! I did however realize that this tactic has left me unable to reach out for help for myself in the past. I hurdled that hump some years back. And I also realized years ago that this behavior trains the people in my life to take advantage of me and see me as a stronger person than I really am. It's just a front. I have needs to darn it!
Isn't self discover fun? Lol
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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WHOOO HOO!
This is an awesome realization! I came to this 'ah ha" moment last year and man did it change me!
I knew I wasn't controlling...but I really was! I am always the "motivational speaker" the feeling seeker, the voice of reason, etc.
I never saw it before but I did it ALL the time!! it was nuts.
Finally- I just let go and quit. I let people come to their OWN conclusions on things. I quit poking and prodding people to share their emotions and feelings with me. I quit trying to "solve" everyone's problems. I let THEM do it. It was a big change for me and those I was controlling. Some of them didn't like it one bit!
This is awesome and I am sooooo happy for you.
The first thing I did when I came to this realization was to quit reacting to everything that everyone said...silence is golden at times and I really had to learn that.
I can talk the ears off an elephant and I realized that most of it was me trying to convince others that I had the PERFECT solution to their problem! If someone isn't happy, there were no lengths that I wouldn't go to to "change" their unhappieness. I took on their emotions and made them my own. Very unhealthy.
good job!!
This is an awesome realization! I came to this 'ah ha" moment last year and man did it change me!
I knew I wasn't controlling...but I really was! I am always the "motivational speaker" the feeling seeker, the voice of reason, etc.
I never saw it before but I did it ALL the time!! it was nuts.
Finally- I just let go and quit. I let people come to their OWN conclusions on things. I quit poking and prodding people to share their emotions and feelings with me. I quit trying to "solve" everyone's problems. I let THEM do it. It was a big change for me and those I was controlling. Some of them didn't like it one bit!
This is awesome and I am sooooo happy for you.
The first thing I did when I came to this realization was to quit reacting to everything that everyone said...silence is golden at times and I really had to learn that.
I can talk the ears off an elephant and I realized that most of it was me trying to convince others that I had the PERFECT solution to their problem! If someone isn't happy, there were no lengths that I wouldn't go to to "change" their unhappieness. I took on their emotions and made them my own. Very unhealthy.
good job!!
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Yes! Brilliant insight!
Let me tell you a story from my recovery: I had a difficult time seeing how I was at all "controlling" because I had lived with a man who wanted to control so many aspects of my life that I didn't feel there was room for two controlling people, and that if anything, I gave up control too easily.
So we were having dinner one night a few years after I left AXH -- the kids, my new husband, and I, and talking about codependency and personality traits that codies tend to develop. And I said, "I have so many of the codependent's personality traits -- but at least I'm not a control freak!"
My family just about fell off their chairs laughing. Nah, I didn't try to control what they eat or wear -- but they were all in complete agreement that I run the family like a drill sergeant, whether it's about planning the week or going to the grocery store. "You won't even let someone go get milk because you think we're gonna get the WRONG kind of whole milk, Mom!"
It's not the first time I've found that my family is very good at seeing the personality flaws in me that I can't see. Kids will do that to you...
Let me tell you a story from my recovery: I had a difficult time seeing how I was at all "controlling" because I had lived with a man who wanted to control so many aspects of my life that I didn't feel there was room for two controlling people, and that if anything, I gave up control too easily.
So we were having dinner one night a few years after I left AXH -- the kids, my new husband, and I, and talking about codependency and personality traits that codies tend to develop. And I said, "I have so many of the codependent's personality traits -- but at least I'm not a control freak!"
My family just about fell off their chairs laughing. Nah, I didn't try to control what they eat or wear -- but they were all in complete agreement that I run the family like a drill sergeant, whether it's about planning the week or going to the grocery store. "You won't even let someone go get milk because you think we're gonna get the WRONG kind of whole milk, Mom!"
It's not the first time I've found that my family is very good at seeing the personality flaws in me that I can't see. Kids will do that to you...
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my draft amends reads a little weird as I'm apologizing for being RAH's nonstop cheerleader. Irritated him right into a plethora of decisions that maybe the people pleasing triple crown might not really have actually wanted to do or accomplish.
Oops.
Oops.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Originally Posted by LemonGirl 
After much thought, I finally figured out how I AM controlling! I take the role as the caring mother. I'm the nurse. I'm the counselor. I'm the go to girl who never says no. I'm the one with a wealth of information and can give great advice. I'm the shoulder to cry on and the ear to listen....
When my X wouldn't open up, I would tell him I was confused because I'm the one that people talk to and seek advice from. ..... Yep. I hate that he's right once again: there was nothing I could do to help.
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