Katchie

Those of you who have been thru the rehab thing with your spouse, what exactly did you all do afterwards? Therapy? Couples and family therapy?

And if you did therapy, did all the dirty laundry HAVE to come out in the open?

I'm just wondering because during my therapy session my T talked about getting everything out on the table. But, sometimes isn't it better to keep some things to ones self so that you don't hurt the other person if it isn't necessary? I mean, if I can live with it, do I really need to open that can of worms? A can he may not even be aware of or even know he did?

It was hard enough talking about this in session today, but i'm stressing about it now and trying real hard to keep it together.

Hammer

You will likely find that YOU cannot "live it."

IF you wish to be clean.

Your life, your choice.

But it has a Grand Total of ZERO to do with a/the/any A . . . or any other person.

Take a look at the Steps. This is only what they are all about.

See why so many people (on both sides) duck them?

LexieCat

Hammer, she's talking about couples'/family therapy following her husband's rehab. Not Fifth Step work, but therapy where you are talking about personal things in the presence of your recovering alcoholic partner. THAT is the issue.

Katchie, I don't have any experience with that, but I don't think you need to talk about anything in therapy that makes you feel unsafe (emotionally, I mean)--especially when your partner is there. I'd suggest you set up a meeting with the therapist in advance to lay out your concerns so you aren't put in an uncomfortable position.

Hammer

Sure. I track that.

Katchie -- You do YOUR OWN Steps . . . first . . . and THEN deal with others.

If you even need to.

Yunno, this is what I have heard relating to this type stuff . . .

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for
ourselves.

PinkCloudsCharley

We do individual therapy, and then come together for a couples one all with the same counsellor - our pattern is, I go on Monday, H on Tues and then together on Wed, every three weeks. . Our counselor is excellent at helping me decide what needs to be brought up and what I can deal with on my own. I'm realizing there's a lot I can just deal with either on my own or during my private counseling time . I'm also realizing it's been a two way street and H has some very legitimate things to bring up about me. Very humbling, especially when I thought he was the one completely wrong all these years.

dandylion

Katchie...you never h ave to share anything in therapy that you are not ready or simply don't want to for ANY reason. Anything shared in therapy is considered to be confidential between you and the therapist.

dandylion

Stung

We did couples therapy afterwards.

From my perspective…I don't think we should have jumped into couples therapy right after rehab. It was my idea, not his and since my husband is a major people pleaser he did it to appease me. My husband subsequently relapsed about a month after rehab, I personally think it was because he was trying to do too much after he got out rather than easing back into to real life (me, I just didn't want things to back slide and I thought couples therapy would help us - that really bit me in the butt when he stopped working on himself, I think he needed more time to focus on ONLY himself before couples). I don't think that couples therapy was the reason why he relapsed - it was because he wouldn't tell me no, or anyone else in his life no and took on too much too fast - but it was something that I think contributed to it.

Going to couples is something that I would discuss with your AH before he gets out of rehab. I kind of sprung it on my husband after he got out and I was pretty dead set on going. Looking back I think I would have asked him what he thought while he was still in a safe environment with lots of time to think about what he wants to do post-rehab. I don't think he thought much about post-rehab life while he was still in rehab. I also didn't think much about post-rehab life while he was still in rehab.

That's just my experience. Take what you like, leave the rest.

jarp

I'm in two minds about this to be honest.

RAH and I are doing MC with an addiction specialist from his rehab - we started the week he was due to leave rehab.

I do see that this is too much for him....its very hard to deal with his own issues and 'our' issues at the same time. That's why its good to do this with an addiction specialist who knew him throughout rehab as well - she can help guide how far to push us individually and as a couple - keeping in mind where he is at in his recovery.

For us it's complicated by the fact he has borderline. He feels immense guilt and shame - and part of this is what drove his alcoholism. Given how UTTERLY crap he feels about everything he's done over the last 10 years, I can see that sometimes it isn't constructive for him to hear about my experiences of his alcoholism. I'm also still traumatised by it - so sometimes it comes out in pretty ugly ways - I'm still processing it.

We are working on my expressing without sounding punishing...to focus on what the feelings were as a result of the actions - rather then the specific actions.

I do think individual work at this point is also useful...I work out things and then work out what message I need him to hear without him having to experience the ups and downs of my processing or thinking...which can be a bit hideous - and vice versa....he can make sure he brings his more constructive side to our sessions.

Unfortunately RAH's recovery has hit a flat spot. He's still sober, but 'recovery' seems to have stalled. MC at the moment is not helping this bc we go to the sessions and he comes away feeling so much worse than he did before we went in....but that's about him.

It is still useful for us to talk through boundaries, addiction, how he approaches things - what he needs to bring me into and what should be kept separate. But the relationship stuff has stalled a bit too - and I kind of feel that Dandy's advice to not live together for a year and to do therapy later rather than sooner is kind of making sense to me!!!!!

Bets of luck.

Katchie

I like the idea that perhaps couples therapy shouldn't be on the radar for a long time and give him a chance to just focus on himself.

You all know the private dark things I've brought up. I just don't think I have it in me to bring it up with him in therapy. I'd rather go bury in the backyard and stomp it all down than to even THINK about revealing it. It doesn't feel safe to bring it up for me.

Then I think, what kind of person am I that I wouldn't? I don't know. This has been an all consuming thought today since seeing my T and I wish it would go away. It needs to have it's funeral, grief, and healing.

CodeJob

Katchie,

You are future tripping. I wouldn't worry about any of this until he manages detox and rehab. Then you'll be curious to see if he can transition back to working and being Involved with kids without relapsing. This concern about throwing all of your junk on the table is at least 2 months out and very likely longer.

You have time to figure out if being so vulnerable about whatever issue concerns you is worthwhile.

Work on your house cutie pie. Enjoy the peace. Don't spend this precious time worked up over things that may never come to pass.

dandylion

Katchie..it is your right not to have to reveal anything that you don't want to. It is your human right...and I don't think you need to feel guilty about that, either.
No ethical therapist will push you to share something that you don't WANT to.
If anyone ever tries to convince you otherwise....you have every right to head for the door.

dandylion

SparkleKitty

Katchie, it may be that you simply do not have the kind of trust in your relationship right now where you would feel comfortable talking about certain things.

Frankly, I would be concerned about you if you did! A lot has happened. A lot KEEPS happening. The road you're on in your marriage is winding - you can't see where it's heading yet. Better to focus just on the next step. Trust your gut. Trust YOU. You will know when, and if, you ready to open up completely.

freetosmile

AH and I did individual.... we are not anywhere NEAR couples (if we even stay together).

He is now seeing an individual AND CD counselor.

I don't think that RIGHT after rehab is a good time to throw it all out on the table. AH was proud of his rehab and seemed pretty "clear-headed" when he FIRST got out (we all know how long that lasted)-- but staying sober was a HUGE chore for him. It was unreasonable to ask him to do anything more at that point. He simply wasn't capable.

Of course he is an abuser and is not at all like yours, but for both of us, to tackle any other issues was just not a good idea.

Of course- you know your limits and hopefully he will be clear about his when he gets out.

HUGS!!

redatlanta

I agree I would stay out of couples therapy after rehab. Let him focus on recovery and see if he is dedicated to it.

I'm very hopeful that your husband is really ready this time for true recovery, but you don't know if he is. There is no point in entering into therapy with him if he is not.

LifeRecovery

Katchie-

I have never been in your situation so I cannot address the couple stuff after rehab.

I can say though after significant years of individual counseling for myself when I did enter couples counseling I had a clear understanding of what I needed from that relationship, and support in helping me to figure out what I needed to say and not say in couples counseling. I got what I needed (even though the relationship did not work out). My hubby at the time struggled more couples counseling as he had not had the privledge of some of the individual work (he was still drinking also and acting out in other ways).

I am grateful I did it, but grateful I had a solid recovery underneath me when I did.

Florence

When I was here, folks told me to wait one year. See if he could stay sober, work on myself, THEN think about couples counseling.

Why not sink that hour and those dollars into YOU and YOUR needs? Let him tend to his side of the street.

hopeful4

Katchie, you are only required to say what you want to say. You don't have to do an inventory in therapy. I know a lot of people go separately for a while then attempt together.

Hugs my dear friend. XXX

dandylion

Katchie...it might also be helpful to remember that there is no "requirement" to do anything in therapy. In any kind of therapy. The whole process of being there is VOLUNTARY. No body can force you to do anything. There are no therapy police. At any point that a person feels uncomfortable or that their personal boundaries are being challenged or violated...it is very appropriate to draw the line.

dandylion

Katchie

Everything keeps pointing me to separating a year to make sure he remains sober and working on himself, as well as working on myself before attempting couples counseling.

I just hope rehab will be on the same page I'm on. I find it strange that no one from rehab has contacted me. But, I'm trying to take it as a blessing. It's like a war going on in my head of wanting to hear from him and know how things are going and not giving a damn.