Ready to give up
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 36
Ready to give up
It's taken me a long time - over a year - to work up the courage to post here. Trust and asking for help are really difficult for me. But I'm desperate. I'm in early recovery from binge drinking and recently relapsed on oxycodone, which I became physically addicted to after taking it as prescribed for ten years for severe chronic pain.
After I got clean and sober, my life was better than it had been in years. I was really happy. In the past few months my entire life has fallen apart. I've had life-threatening health problems that no one can diagnose. I lost a really important, close relationship. Things at work have fallen apart. I have no support and I'm terrified to ask for it because every other time in my life that I've trusted someone, I've gotten badly hurt. I have damage, physical and mental, from those things that my doctors say may never heal.
Recently I was placed on a heart medication that made me severely depressed... As I lost more and more of the good things in my life I finally relapsed to self-medicate because oxycodone was the only thing that made me feel like I could get through another few minutes.
I was feeling better for a few days... Today I've crashed. I feel hopeless, worthless, and paralyzed by loss, fear, and exhaustion. Can anyone help? Thanks for listening.
After I got clean and sober, my life was better than it had been in years. I was really happy. In the past few months my entire life has fallen apart. I've had life-threatening health problems that no one can diagnose. I lost a really important, close relationship. Things at work have fallen apart. I have no support and I'm terrified to ask for it because every other time in my life that I've trusted someone, I've gotten badly hurt. I have damage, physical and mental, from those things that my doctors say may never heal.
Recently I was placed on a heart medication that made me severely depressed... As I lost more and more of the good things in my life I finally relapsed to self-medicate because oxycodone was the only thing that made me feel like I could get through another few minutes.
I was feeling better for a few days... Today I've crashed. I feel hopeless, worthless, and paralyzed by loss, fear, and exhaustion. Can anyone help? Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Thanks for posting and welcome!
Getting and staying sober will help your health, career and relationships so keep at it! It's not going to happen over night but it will happen.
Keep your chin up.... the bad feelings will pass.
Getting and staying sober will help your health, career and relationships so keep at it! It's not going to happen over night but it will happen.
Keep your chin up.... the bad feelings will pass.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 543
It's so hard and it sounds like you have more than your share. Getting sober will at least help with the shame and fear and hopelessness. Those are just awful feelings. I don't know that I can help, but I hear you, and am pulling for you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
You're not alone here NearSyncope
I'd wager most of us here can identify with those feelings.
I carried that baggage for decades, but in recovery I've found none of those things were true, and I'm sure you''ll find the same
you're among friends here - welcome!
D
I feel hopeless, worthless, and paralyzed by loss, fear, and exhaustion.
I carried that baggage for decades, but in recovery I've found none of those things were true, and I'm sure you''ll find the same
you're among friends here - welcome!
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
We care about you NearSyncope - and you're never alone. Most of us have had similar feelings. Being here together helps so much - everyone understands, no one judges. It's good that you decided to post - never give up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 36
Thank you everyone. I'm sorry to be so negative. But I'm just really in a terrible place. My emotions are all over the place. The oxycodone that I was given for severe chronic pain is the only thing that makes me feel like I can get through another few minutes. I've been through so many terrible things and I've worked so hard to rebuild my life after each one. And every time I'm able to rebuild something good I end up losing everything again. Often it's been because of something that is completely out of my control... Like natural disasters, life-threatening medical problems that no one can figure out (that struck when I was completely clean, sober, and healthy), medical errors, etc. I know that if I keep using or start drinking again, I'm only going to lose more and this time it will be in my control. But I'm exhausted. I've had severe chronic pain since I was 12 from trauma then compounded by surgery which caused severe nerve damage. My doctors say I'll never have another day without pain. The pain is already severe, if I stop using narcotics it will be uncontrollable. We spent ten years trying every non-narcotic treatment option that exists and they all failed. I've had trauma after trauma, I just lost the one supportive relationship I had, but I can't stand to try to build more supportive relationships because I doubt I would survive trusting one more person and getting hurt again. I'm barely hanging on after this last loss. My health and work and happiness have all fallen apart in two months (all before I started using), and the guilt, shame, and emotional pain are overwhelming. I'm tired of rebuilding just to have everything I've rebuilt fall apart. I'm tired of trusting people and getting hurt. I'm tired of feeing like a terrible person. And I'm tired of seeing doctors and counsellors and specialists, and having nothing work to make things better. I have nothing good left in my life and I don't know if I have the energy to start from scratch again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 313
Welcome to SR, NearSyncope. My heart goes out to you, you've had a massively rough time and I hope so much that things turn around for you.
Not sure that I have much advice but I didn't want to read and run. Please stick with us here at SR, there is a lot of support here.
Not sure that I have much advice but I didn't want to read and run. Please stick with us here at SR, there is a lot of support here.
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