Sad, sad, sad...

Old 02-17-2015, 08:01 AM
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Sad, sad, sad...

My mom is dying, stage 4 cancer, she's elderly, and had a good life until recently, when she and my dad "rescued" my 47 yr old sister from long-term re-hab and thought they had the stuff to "cure" her. That was 2 1/2 years ago. AS has been in and out of the hospital, all alcohol related illnesses. When my Mom was diagnosed with cancer, my Dad had asked for my help in getting AS into inpatient re-hab, and OMG, I moved heaven and earth locating services and agencies from long-distance as they live 100 miles away in the woods. My Dad's health is declining rapidly as he not only takes care of my Mom, but has become hyper-vigilant about AS who lives in their basement apartment, drinking and smoking IN THE HOUSE!!!!! I find that I can deal better with AS than my Mom's codie behavior. Needless to say, all the work I did to get my sister help was undermined by Mom's co-dependency and my Dad's unwillingness to upset my Mom. Now, my Mom is really sick, unable to care for herself, and it was the plan that I come up and care for her as I am semi-retired and more flexible than my other sibs. I went no contact with AS and limited with parents shortly after being told that AS was only going to go to out-patient because, oh, what does it matter. Mom wants me to come up there, now, and I am already in panic mode. I WANT to be there, but how do I keep my boundries in that situation? Man, I can't bring my therapist with me! So I will become even MORE aware of my OWN codie behavior, I swear I am codie to a codie!
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Old 02-17-2015, 08:38 AM
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That is such a hard situation. It won't be easy to have any boundaries since you aren't in control of the home. The option you will have is to give your mom the care she needs and leave the house to keep your distance. Will you have a room of your own?

I'm really sorry that your mom is dying. That's enough to deal with on its own. Does she have hospice care?
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Old 02-17-2015, 08:48 AM
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I am so very sorry you are going through all of this, how stressful.

Do you have the resources to rent somewhere close to them? I have a friend who's husband has to start working at a distance. He bought a really nice camper and is taking it with him to stay in while he is there. I thought that was a great idea. Would that be a possibility? Could she come and stay with you instead?

Just trying to think outside the box here. Good luck to you, my heart is with you!!!
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Old 02-17-2015, 10:23 AM
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No. they live so far in the woods! Closest town is 20 miles away, and the care she will need will be 'round the clock-type. So, I keep trying to start the end-of-life talk, but Dad and even my sober sibs are so reluctant! Maybe my presence will make AS so uncomfortable she will leave on her own, I am the only one who she feels threatened by, b/c I am the only one who has gone to the trouble of finding resources for her. She knows that when Mom dies that she has NO WHERE else to go, my Dad silently blames her for Mom's health, I believe, and maybe so do I to some degree. IF she is still going to outpatient , she could get all the info she needs to move on to in-patient, I am not going THERE again, Took me 3 months to get over the hurt of that one, can only change myself. Asked Dad to find a good family attorney, and sober sibs agreed that this was a good suggestion, but SURPRISE! he thinks he can muddle this all out. He has paid a car for her, her assessment fees to re-gain her drivers license, found her jobs, her phone bill, and when/if she goes to jail, he will pay her bail and court fees because he does not want to make my mother unhappy. Mom's dying wish is that we all become one big fat happy family, but boy, that ship sailed some time ago. Dad will not let my AS stay with him when Mom is gone, but then, I doubt he has the will to kick her out. Talked to Mom yesterday a little, she is becoming incoherent from the brain radiation, but she KNOWS my reluctance in coming up there, she knows my no-contact with AS. Whatever, God doesn't give us more than we can bear, right? Need to line up hospice when I get up there, maybe I can get Dad on board with that...
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Old 02-17-2015, 10:40 AM
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sad...so sorry you are going through this..and yeah...the codie/caretaker is all there...as you know.

i am sending prayers and healing thoughts your way (not a reiki practitioner but trained in sending some healing energy--for you--and comfort for your mom).

don't know if it a good thing (sounded good on the share)--at least your mother knows. i was the one who did what you are doing for my Dad and ultimately it was good...he was the caretaker in our family and as the oldest...I was born and raised to it...but I will say that, however painful, being with my dad as he passed was a blessing...and I had some spiritual experiences that helped me then...and later...to know I was not alone.

God Bless (that is what I call my HP).
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Old 02-17-2015, 11:09 AM
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I had posted more, lost it...Yeah, this will be the hardest thing I ever do. I think my toolbox of recovery is as complete as it can be for now. I have a loving husband and grown daughter and we limit the crazy our extended family can throw at us. Oldest daughter here, too, and was farmed out to relatives who needed care even as a young girl. I am GOOD at care-taking, just not when my boundaries are in danger. SSOOO aware of what the alcoholic and the codie can do to family dynamics, and isn't that half the trick?
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Old 02-17-2015, 11:36 AM
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So sorry for your sad situation!! I completely relate to your frustration with your codie parents. My mom's alcoholism is so far gone, I don't know if it is even possible to reason with her anymore. That being said, my father's enabling behavior drives me insane. I am not sure who is more sick, my mother or my father. If I were in your shoes, I would make my focus entirely on my mother's comfort and my chance to have some last minute bonding time and I would treat your AS like nothing more than an annoying, ill-behaved pet. If someone were hired to help your mother transition, they would not bother to deal with any other family dynamic going on in the house. I would try to envision yourself that way, to make it all easier.
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Old 02-17-2015, 11:38 AM
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For me, the awareness of what alcoholic and the codie can do the family dynamics has been more than half...no longer dealing with family of origin issues...just immediate family issues and adult children...and taking back my power as the adult children are trying to 'control' things...so yes...sounds as if you are doing as best as possible.
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Old 02-17-2015, 02:05 PM
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I agree with dragons sad sister.

I think making your mom your first priority and your dad the second is very wise. You are there to help them. I hope your mom is not in pain and you like the Hospice team.

As for AS, maybe since you will be there, another sibling can be nominated to determine what your Dad wants to do and help make it happen? Whether it is a notice of eviction or whatever. That way you are splitting responsibilities and you can keep your focus on what you are coming there for... and it is not AS.

Peace,
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Old 02-18-2015, 05:57 PM
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Is there any way that you could contact the Department of Social Services in the area where your parents live to ask for resources and advice on protecting them? There is also a National Center for Elder Abuse which may provide you with some information about ways to protect your parents from your sister....I'm just so sorry to hear about all of this!

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Old 02-18-2015, 08:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Seren View Post
Is there any way that you could contact the Department of Social Services in the area where your parents live to ask for resources and advice on protecting them? There is also a National Center for Elder Abuse which may provide you with some information about ways to protect your parents from your sister....I'm just so sorry to hear about all of this!

National Center on Elder Abuse
This was going to be my suggestion. My 91-year-old grandmother was living with my alcoholic mother when the doctor finally called social services and they arranged to have my grandmother moved to my aunt's house. They wouldn't see her stay another day with AM, and made sure all of her medical care was moved and everything was set up. Truly wonderful people who put the welfare of the elderly first.
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Old 02-22-2015, 02:13 PM
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I am up with my Mom and Dad now, alcoholic sister just left for work and it is quiet for now. My sober brother and his wife came up for the day yesterday and we had a great discussion about getting the ball rolling as far as OPENING topics of concern with my dad. We openly talked in front of my Mom. I know she feels we blame her for letting AS move in with them. Well, yeah... but made sure that she knows that we are here to support her when/if situation changes. I asked her to PLEASE stop the "where's she supposed to go, she has no money" thing,because I have all the info on every free re-hab in the state. Then I mentioned the calling the sheriff and possible court-ordered long-term re-hab...Mom thinks I am cruel. "You should talk to your Dad about these things" yep, but he won't listen to us unless YOU tell him because he ONLY wants to keep you happy. For now, things are ok, wish AS could CARE for them if she's going to stay here. I came up Fri eve and the walks needed shoveling, the trash and recycling heaped in front of door, fridge full of mystery food, ect...Treating AS like an annoying pet, best I can do without screaming at her... going home tomorrow to rest and recover myself, can't wait!
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Old 02-24-2015, 07:02 AM
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Well. I have been researching elder abuse and social services. Back in October, I had contacted their county's agency for advise, and as many know, unless the "victim" (My parents) agree that they are ready to move on, they can refuse that kind of help. I am going to call again, just to stay in the radar. One good thing, my sober sister sounds more on-board with what my sober brother and I are trying to do now, she has been reluctant to get involved.
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