Buckley

I am so ashamed that my life has come to this. I'm 38 years old with a beautiful 11 month old son, and after battling post partum depression, I turned to wine to numb the pain. Now I'm sneaking drinking, I'm drinking in the morning and after my baby goes to bed. My husband has been left to take care of him on weekends. I binge drink on weekends.

I have had problems with binge drinking, but now that I am a mother I have realized that I am an alcoholic and I need to stop. I am going to my first meeting tonight.

My question is this: When does the shame go away and the pride that you have quit drinking and are healthy start? I have a few friends in recovery, and they are so proud of themselves and we are all proud of them. When does this awful shame go away. Because right now I just hate myself.

Stoogy

Hi, And congratulations on having the strength to admit to the problem you currently face, In my experience i started to regain my self respect within 24 hours simply because i knew i had made the best decision of my life.

I wish you extremely well.

ScottFromWI

Welcome buckley. I would say the pride starts as soon as you start taking responsibility for your alcoholism and making strides to live sober. You've already started - coming here and going to a meeting tonight are big steps.

It takes some time and the guilt doesn't suddenly "dissapear" in a magic flash, but the more you accomplish sober the better things look every day.

hillbillygirl

Welcome to SR, great job on reaching out.
Got to let go of that shame and guilt, or it will only hold you back.
Let go of things that do not nourish your soul, friend.

Soberwolf

Hi Buckley the shame will fade with time keep working on your sobriety and it does get a lot better

Wastinglife

Each of my relapses started when I was feeling good with a few months of sobriety. But then kept drinking for several more days because of the shame and guilt that was very hard to sit with. Alcohol makes me depressed after it wears off so I go back to self medicating. After a few days of no drinking my mood improves but it's tough to get through those first few days.

Share your feelings does help so keep posting here until the worst of it passes.

Mountainmanbob

If you stay sober for 6 months
you will be so very happy with yourself
and then it gets
better and better.

It takes time to see
and appreciate the light.

Mountainman

Thepatman

You can drop the shame immediately when you stop.

There is no requirement to carry this with you nor will it help you to remain sober.

Anna

For me, it took awhile. I had to deal with the shame and guilt for several months and I really struggled. Finally, someone suggested that I start journaling. I did that. I wrote all of the awful feelings running through my mind and it really helped. The main thing is to not allow the shame to take you down, because it can and it will. Use it to move forward and be the mother and the person you want to be. Then, the self-esteem will follow.

sugarbear1

work those steps and keep moving forward. give time time and heal well!

you CAN do this!

1_day@_a_time

shame won't help......take some action to replace those feelings

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Buckley!!

With time and the creation of a life that we can be proud of, will reserve our old life to the past!!

Inchworm

I think we addicts have a hard time accepting any kind of pain. For me, I think that my life's work will center around my ability to tolerate emotions that I just plain am not happy with. Shame is one of those emotions. I am really trying to just accept it's presence when it comes without reacting or trying to make it go away as if it has no right to be there. When it's there, why deny it? It doesn't really matter where it comes from, does it? I'm learning to honor pain in my life without the need to turn it off with food or alcohol. You will, too. Just give yourself time and gentleness.

Buckley

I feel like my husband and my parents look at me with such sadness and pity. I know they love me and hate seeing me like this, but I'm so exhausted and ashamed that I have put them through so much.
The AA meeting I'm going to tonight is a Beginners meeting, so hopefully it will be a good start for me. I also know that I need to surround myself with those who understand, so thank you for welcoming me here. All I want is to be the best mother I can be, he deserves that.

Inchworm

Let us know how the meeting goes, won't you? (((((Hugs))))

Buckley

I definitely will!

lovehoops

welcome Buckley,

I too, am a mother who has been drinking on and off for years...hiding/lying/snaeking drinks...a horrible existence. My children are old enough to know now. That being said, my life is ALWAYS better when I am sober. My husband and children looked at me with disgust and pity but when I am sober they are so supportive and happy i am enjoying life with them.

Don't carry that pain with you. For me, every day I feel better and the guilt and remrse is furthur away.

Keep posting here. There is wonderful support. I wish you the best and congratulations on taking the first step in admitting you have a problem and want to change!!!

tokidoki

Hi Buckley. I hope you listen to what lovehoops has to say. I had terrible postpartum after my second child was born. At one point, I didn't sleep at all for six nights. It was the first time I used alcohol as a "medication". Although I didn't become an alcoholic at that point (it came later), it planted a seed that, well... *Anyway*, I totally understand your feelings of guilt and inadequacy. You are supposed to be happy so wth? Please just believe that you are in no way in the wrong. I will keep you in my thoughts.
A fellow mother.

Buckley

Lovehoops and Tokidoki, you are making me cry.
Thank you for your words, I am so happy to feel less alone. That has been the worst part of all of this. And god forbid if anything happened to my baby. He is my world, and he deserves better than this.

tokidoki

I totally hear what you're saying. Please rest assured that you are doing your best for your baby (Isn't that all we can do?) My thoughts and prayers are with you.