Mimi9013

The last time I posted, ah had found the rough draft of the letter I wrote to him discussing my boundaries. He told me he wasn't going to drink anymore, and he hasn't, but he's definitely not in recovery.

We got in an argument one day because he was off work and wanted to keep DD, and I said no. He got mad and asked why, and I said just because you aren't drinking doesn't mean you're sober, and I'm not leaving her with you if you aren't working a program, and I took her to my moms.

He doesn't think he needs a program, or steps, or a higher power to stop drinking(his words), and it makes him feel like crap that I go to alanon because he doesn't beat us or anything, and he doesn't like that I go somewhere to talk about him(more of his words).
I lost it a little bit and said 'not everything is about you! Alanon is for me and my feelings and my life! We don't talk about you! We talk about how alcohol has affected MY life , because in case you haven't noticed it's been consuming both of our lives the whole time we've been together!' And then I didn't say anything else. He started crying, saying he really was looking forward to spending time with her, and I believe he was being genuine in that, but I knew I had to enforce my boundary or he would never take me seriously.

I feel good about how I handled it, and things have been pretty good the last few weeks with no beer involved. I'm learning so much from alanon and I love all the encouragement I receive, even when I don't have anything to share!!!

Duckygirl1

If he doesn't like traditional AA is there other programs he can go to? Does he pose a real physical or emotional danger to your DD? If not, I'm not sure I understand why you forbade him to see her. If he's not drinking, using fairly good judgement like wouldn't take her around low life people or considers a bag of skittles a proper dinner, I'm not sure why spending time would be bad. If DD loves him and wants to be around him, that's a very important relationship for her to have even if it no longer serves you.

I'm surely not accusing you of anything, but I think that sometimes we are so caught up in our pain and so proud of our ability to finally set boundieres that we don't realize we go from protecting ourselves to being punitive towards the A. Just saying. (((Hug)))

Katchie

I've read your post a few times and see you've really grown in strength -- good for you!!! But...I have to agree with Ducky On this one. I don't know all of your back story, but if he is sober, isnt abusive towards your daughter, is it right to deny them to spend some time together? I don't know. you said you're going to Alanon, awesome; do u have a sponsor to talk to about this?
hugs to you for all of the self improvements you've made so far

PinkCloudsCharley

I have to agree. There have been centuries of alcoholics and someone once said, you don't think they got sober without AA?

There are many other programs, including one called avrt, where someone decides to quit, period, end of story.

Please be careful that you are not imposing your beliefs on him and calling them boundaries. I personally do not like al anon or aa at all, but it works for my H along with personal non 12 step counselling. So who am I to stop him from doing what works *for him* simply because it wouldn't work for me in the same shoes?

LexieCat

Ditto from me, here. If you feel he is a danger or poses a risk to your daughter, by all means don't let him take care of her. If he isn't a risk to her, then it appears you are using your daughter as a tool to force him to pursue sobriety the way YOU think he should.

NYCDoglvr

He's got a right to choose -- or not choose -- a recovery program. Is he a danger to her in any way now? Are you punishing him because he won't choose the sobriety you want?

Jen73

Hello there,

My husband is also goes to Alanon, for growing up with alcoholics, married to one, control issues and anxiety.

The last time I drink was Feb 3rd 2015, my husband called the cops due to me drinking heavily that night. I can admit I was not in the right stage of mind to watch my 4 year old.

But, what gets me though, I was 12 years old when I started to watch kids for money. My daughter is 14, she can do a lot of things to take care of herself at home. But, I guess that night she felt like I should be taking care of my 4 year old.

Child service came the next day and ask me what are you going to do for yourself, I told them I am going to get help. I found this forum, I go to 2-3 meetings a week!

However, my husband did the same thing to me, he didn't feel like I was able to watch my kids, remember, I am sober! When my mother walked in the house, I was like what?
I was angry, confused, and so many emotions...
I yelled at him and told him, we know you have a control problem, we know I have a drinking problem but you don't have the right to take me kids away when I sober. I also told him it was not right to call my mother either..

I know he was in a tough situation and he had to do what it feels good for him. But, he realize that wasn't really the right choice he made.

So what I am trying to say as a alcoholic, just watch how you use your boundaries, because those things can be a trigger for drinking again....

I did enjoy your post it was quite delightful and thanks for sharing it.

"Communication is the key to success and go forward for a better healthy life"

LemonGirl

So Mimi, is he a dry drunk then? Or has he found some other way to tackle sobriety?

I can tell you that most social workers and here in California feel it is suitable to allow a parent who is still an active addict to simply be sober for the visit. Heck, my daughter's dad fights like crazy with his new wife in front of the kids... and I am having a really hard time proving that and why he is unfit to be a father.

So, just be very careful on how you draw your boundaries ... What is your daughter comfortable with?

jjj111

I guess I will be the outlier here, but I will say that I would be wary of leaving a small child in the care of someone who has only been sober for a brief period of time--less than a month from your previous posts? And he has in the past drank a case of beer in a day, and broken other promises to stay sober? I would feel cautious about that, too, until I saw a long period of sobriety.

Mimi9013

Sorry it took me so long to reply everyone!!! To clear up the boundary issue-he had only been sober about 10 days at that point and for drinking so long I did not feel comfortable with her staying with him(she is 20 months old). He also was very agitated and short tempered to go along with that(which I would at least partially chalk up to withdrawl), which only added to my discomfort. He has never been a physical threat to us, but has also never been sober this long and I don't know what to expect, or what his reactions will be to the newfound emotions he will be experiencing. I just could not leave her with him, call it motherly instinct or whatever, but I had a pit in my stomach about her staying. I felt badly afterwards(partly because he cried), but I would never have forgiven myself if something had happened to her when I had the feeling not to leave her at home.

LemonGirl

Mimi, I think you did the right thing!!! Good for you! She is too young and he hasn't even a drop in the bucket!

Mimi9013

Thank you!! I was starting to feel a little bit like a jerk lol

NWGRITS

As a mother who almost lost her kids because her own mother did the unthinkable (got trashed while babysitting them), I'm going to side with the OP. A child's life is too important to chance it. He's swearing up, down, and sideways that he doesn't need anything to stay sober? Nopenopenopenopenope. Those are relapse words to me.

Katchie

Good for you Mimi...SO SORRY if that made you feel like a jerk...not my intention AT ALL! I didn't know your whole story so my apologies.

Now that I know, I think you did the right thing too. It must have been hard.

Hugs!

Stung

I have done the same thing before. I also think you did the right thing.

My daughters are 18 months and 3 years old, and I think that alcohol aside, leaving them with ANY clearly agitated adult is an unhealthy environment for them. There has only been one time within recent memory that my AH was dry but freaking out (he accused me of looking too nice to only be going to al-anon) and I changed my plans so that our daughters wouldn't be left in an unhealthy environment. He's their dad and I cannot change that, but that doesn't mean that they need to be saddled with freak out dad when they could actually get good quality dad time at a later point. To me, it wasn't a control issue but just saying this doesn't feel good to me and making different plans. If my internal mom-alarm is going off, I listen to it.

Stung

I would be mad if my husband said this to me. His triggers are his to manage, not mine to tip-toe around. AH triggers me sometimes into my own crap and it's MY responsibility to straighten myself out with all of the resources I have available to me.

No one else can ever cause an alcoholic to drink except for the alcoholic themselves.

cynical one

It's not about programs.

Any responsible person would not leave their goldfish in the care of someone who may or may not be sober for 10 whole days, much less a 20 month old baby. You absolutely did the right thing by not allowing him to care for her unsupervised. Please don't let anyone get in your head and try to make you feel guilty. I admire you for making your child's welfare the priority.

bird13

I once met a woman at a friend's home over the holidays who told me a story I never forgot. She left her daughter with her then Aex husband to watch, she was out of town. Child protective services came after them, and tried to take the child. He had gotten drunk, fallen asleep, and the child was screaming so loud for so long ( I am guessing unchanged, not fed, upset) that the neighbors called the police. She never did it again she said. She thought he could handle it for 2 days. So, I think you should carry no guilt here. Good choice.

LexieCat

I agree, I think it made sense not to leave her with him. But you stated it in terms of "unless you are working a program." THAT shouldn't be the "condition" (you're calling it a boundary but it's really a "rule"). If he were newly sober in AA he would still be at risk to pick up a drink after ten days. And suppose he stays sober on his own (which many people I know do)--does that mean you are never going to allow him to care for his child?

I think what troubles me is how it would look/feel to me if I were he. Like you are using the child to force me to go to AA. If you had said, "I'm sorry, and I know you're trying very hard, but it's only been a few days and I am not comfortable with the idea of your taking care of her on your own. Let's see how things go, and when I feel comfortable that you won't pick up a drink if you get frustrated or overwhelmed or bored then I'll feel comfortable leaving her with you," that would feel more like enforcing your boundary of not leaving her with an unreliable active alcoholic.

Mimi9013

LexieCat-I agree with what you are saying, I definitely could've worded it differently, and I might have. I think when I actually said I wasn't leaving her with him, it was more about his mood and that it made me uncomfortable. He instantly got upset and demanding more info, and asked if I wasn't going to let him keep her unless he goes to AA. I said no, that there are a lot of programs out there, or he could at least read things to help him work on himself because he's going to go through a lot of stuff he's used to drinking down. That's when he started the I don't need any program, and the you going to alanon makes me feel like s***.

So I kinda paraphrased the whole convo lol.

But thank you all so much again!! I didn't mean to say anyone made me feel like a jerk, it was more like uh oh, did I do the right thing? Lol. I deeply appreciate everyone's contributions no matter what....because sometimes I need to be reminded to stay humble and that I'm not ALWAYS right haha!! (((((Hugs to SR)))))