Separating the addiction from person
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Separating the addiction from person
When I was with an addict, I thought once he got sober, he would be "sane". Well he did get sober but his behavior became more insane. At the time, I could not figure out why and like many, held on to hope that once he was clean, life would be great. Well it wasn't and never did get better, but only worse. I finally left him and never looked back.
Now after many years of experience and education from of Al Anon, working with addicts, seminars, schooling and clients (I'm a mind/body therapist), I'm now fully aware of the dynamics of addiction and why he was what he was and why I chose to be with him.
Learning all of this made me realize that no matter how many meeting my ex went to, or how long he was sober, he would never heal.
You see, my ex has NPD and even sober, my ex's NPD is not "curable". Not with meds or therapy. He just "is" and that's who he is. Drinking or not, he is a highly disordered human. He was nicer when he drank because the alcohol disarmed his ego.
Most addiction is fueled by mental illness and often times by personalities disorders that are undiagnosed such as Borderline, NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder), adult Asperger syndrome (AS) and others. All of which cannot be healed by any forms of therapy.
There is a tendency to believe that once the addicts finds sobriety, all will be well again. Sadly, more often than not, this is not the case. There is only a 5% sobriety success rate in addictions. The percentage is small simply because the cause of the addiction is not being treated and if even discovered, cannot be treated. There is no cure for character.
Does that mean hope is gone for many who wish their partners will change once they stopped the substance abuse...Sadly, if the base of their addiction is from a personality disorder, then yes, it's gone. Once you realize what you're up against and be honest with yourself, then all you can do at that point is focus on self healing.
When I did my one year clinical internship, I was amazed to see how many people came in for a physical issue and were also addicts. Then when I started my own practice 3 yrs ago, I would say every 5th client was struggling with addiction. Some were already diagnosed with serious mental health issues such as Borderline, NPD, Paranoid disorders, autism etc.
I've also discovered how genetic plays a huge role in mental health and addiction.
I specialize in something called MTHFR and some addicts who have come to see me have this mutation. Treating the mutations does not cure the addiction, but it's often a contributing factor.
MTHFR and Addiction | Addiction Doctor
This post may be hard for some to digest because it does remove the hope you may have that your loved ones can heal. And I do believe in miracles and healing, but unless the cause of addictions are found, the cycle continues over and over.
If you truly want to heal from codependency, you need to keep educating yourself on addictions and to also look deep inside yourself to see why you would attract someone disordered and why you would feel it's ok to be in any form of relationship with one.
I've only been with disordered men in my past.. Why? Well because my self worth was zero and thought I could fix the world. My lack of self attracted others with lack of self.
I've been in long term relationships since I was 15 (50 now) and I've been single (by choice) now for the last 3 yrs.
After my last ex, I realized that maybe it was me and not them. I knew all too well these were not well adjusted men, but was with them anyway.
I realized I needed the time to focus on my issues for once. I took this time to change my profession, work on me, remove toxic people from my life, change my outlook and just re-parent myself. I'm still a work in progress.
We need to use logic when faced with addiction. Logic only perseveres when self love is the driving force.
Never give up hope on self :-)
Now after many years of experience and education from of Al Anon, working with addicts, seminars, schooling and clients (I'm a mind/body therapist), I'm now fully aware of the dynamics of addiction and why he was what he was and why I chose to be with him.
Learning all of this made me realize that no matter how many meeting my ex went to, or how long he was sober, he would never heal.
You see, my ex has NPD and even sober, my ex's NPD is not "curable". Not with meds or therapy. He just "is" and that's who he is. Drinking or not, he is a highly disordered human. He was nicer when he drank because the alcohol disarmed his ego.
Most addiction is fueled by mental illness and often times by personalities disorders that are undiagnosed such as Borderline, NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder), adult Asperger syndrome (AS) and others. All of which cannot be healed by any forms of therapy.
There is a tendency to believe that once the addicts finds sobriety, all will be well again. Sadly, more often than not, this is not the case. There is only a 5% sobriety success rate in addictions. The percentage is small simply because the cause of the addiction is not being treated and if even discovered, cannot be treated. There is no cure for character.
Does that mean hope is gone for many who wish their partners will change once they stopped the substance abuse...Sadly, if the base of their addiction is from a personality disorder, then yes, it's gone. Once you realize what you're up against and be honest with yourself, then all you can do at that point is focus on self healing.
When I did my one year clinical internship, I was amazed to see how many people came in for a physical issue and were also addicts. Then when I started my own practice 3 yrs ago, I would say every 5th client was struggling with addiction. Some were already diagnosed with serious mental health issues such as Borderline, NPD, Paranoid disorders, autism etc.
I've also discovered how genetic plays a huge role in mental health and addiction.
I specialize in something called MTHFR and some addicts who have come to see me have this mutation. Treating the mutations does not cure the addiction, but it's often a contributing factor.
MTHFR and Addiction | Addiction Doctor
This post may be hard for some to digest because it does remove the hope you may have that your loved ones can heal. And I do believe in miracles and healing, but unless the cause of addictions are found, the cycle continues over and over.
If you truly want to heal from codependency, you need to keep educating yourself on addictions and to also look deep inside yourself to see why you would attract someone disordered and why you would feel it's ok to be in any form of relationship with one.
I've only been with disordered men in my past.. Why? Well because my self worth was zero and thought I could fix the world. My lack of self attracted others with lack of self.
I've been in long term relationships since I was 15 (50 now) and I've been single (by choice) now for the last 3 yrs.
After my last ex, I realized that maybe it was me and not them. I knew all too well these were not well adjusted men, but was with them anyway.
I realized I needed the time to focus on my issues for once. I took this time to change my profession, work on me, remove toxic people from my life, change my outlook and just re-parent myself. I'm still a work in progress.
We need to use logic when faced with addiction. Logic only perseveres when self love is the driving force.
Never give up hope on self :-)
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
I'm pretty sure my xabf is ad/hd. I enjoyed his "energetic youthfulness" until I realized there was no in between. Full blast or full stop. I think that's why the drugs were so attractive at first. It made the full blast higher and the full stop more sudden, just and crash. It's heartbreaking
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