My AH ignores my feelings
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My AH ignores my feelings
I'm in recovery from alcoholism and my husband drinks alcoholically. I've told him it's uncomfortable for me when he drinks but he said he doesn't want to stop. However he has cut back considerably from 4-5 nights a week when we drank together to only 2-3. He feels that my recovery is a mid life crisis and that its a sign of my weak all or nothing mentality.
Last night while hanging out with friends he got really drunk. He is a quiet drunk, and his drunkenness is only obvious in his demeanor and speech. My drunken behavior was loud and silly and over the top and he always felt that his drunkenness was superior to mine.
I am working hard in recovery on acceptance of what I cannot change, and stating my feelings clearly. When we got home I told him that I was uncomfortable that he was so drunk. I suggested he drink some water and go to bed.
He scoffed disgustedly at me and stormed off indignantly (but sloppily), suggesting that I was unreasonable, and it worked. I felt like I was being unreasonable. He drinks a lot but he doesn't miss a day of work, or blow off any of his responsibilities. I was able to process through those feelings of inadequacy, see that it's insane to let a drunk person's addiction, that wants to defend itself at all costs, tell me how to feel.
When I went to bed and turned off the tv he started arguing with me. I told him that the room stinks and he teased me for saying that, and when I thought he was asleep he asked disgustedly why I was crying. I calmed down and fell asleep.
This morning I told him calmly that I was uncomfortable that he drank so much and that I was hurt that he teased me. He didn't say a word. Then eventually, he made pleasant small talk.
I am working hard to accept his response, rather than manipulating him to see my point of view. By letting go of trying to control him, I feel so angry. I found myself feeling ripped up about a bunch of other little things when I realized that I am angry that my feelings were ignored and invalidated. And I realized - lightbulb! - that this type of displaced anger fed my own addiction to alcohol for a long time.
I feel hurt and heartbroken today. I realized in recovery how broken my marriage was, and don't know how I'm supposed to forgive him for the past and move forward if he ignores me.
Last night while hanging out with friends he got really drunk. He is a quiet drunk, and his drunkenness is only obvious in his demeanor and speech. My drunken behavior was loud and silly and over the top and he always felt that his drunkenness was superior to mine.
I am working hard in recovery on acceptance of what I cannot change, and stating my feelings clearly. When we got home I told him that I was uncomfortable that he was so drunk. I suggested he drink some water and go to bed.
He scoffed disgustedly at me and stormed off indignantly (but sloppily), suggesting that I was unreasonable, and it worked. I felt like I was being unreasonable. He drinks a lot but he doesn't miss a day of work, or blow off any of his responsibilities. I was able to process through those feelings of inadequacy, see that it's insane to let a drunk person's addiction, that wants to defend itself at all costs, tell me how to feel.
When I went to bed and turned off the tv he started arguing with me. I told him that the room stinks and he teased me for saying that, and when I thought he was asleep he asked disgustedly why I was crying. I calmed down and fell asleep.
This morning I told him calmly that I was uncomfortable that he drank so much and that I was hurt that he teased me. He didn't say a word. Then eventually, he made pleasant small talk.
I am working hard to accept his response, rather than manipulating him to see my point of view. By letting go of trying to control him, I feel so angry. I found myself feeling ripped up about a bunch of other little things when I realized that I am angry that my feelings were ignored and invalidated. And I realized - lightbulb! - that this type of displaced anger fed my own addiction to alcohol for a long time.
I feel hurt and heartbroken today. I realized in recovery how broken my marriage was, and don't know how I'm supposed to forgive him for the past and move forward if he ignores me.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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GF- Good for you for working on your program. You are doing great!!!
First off, you should know not to engage with someone under the influence. You know it's not going to get you anywhere. Discussing this am would have been much better.
I know that if you are working the program that you are learning to detach from bad situations. He is not ready to get sober and you were. Which is AWESOME!! But if he thinks you are just sitting there judging him, then nothing is going to happen for him. You want him to see how wonderful you are doing, but not by telling him, by just showing him.
This is your choice to get sober. I understand that you want and need his support. I don't think that he can give that to you, so reach out to us or to an AA meeting for support. Don't take it personally as he is not capable of doing that for you. Working on forgiveness is something you do for yourself, it has nothing to do with him.
You have to take care of your side of the street only!!
Just keep working your program and getting healthier each day. He will notice, and hopefully want what you have.
First off, you should know not to engage with someone under the influence. You know it's not going to get you anywhere. Discussing this am would have been much better.
I know that if you are working the program that you are learning to detach from bad situations. He is not ready to get sober and you were. Which is AWESOME!! But if he thinks you are just sitting there judging him, then nothing is going to happen for him. You want him to see how wonderful you are doing, but not by telling him, by just showing him.
This is your choice to get sober. I understand that you want and need his support. I don't think that he can give that to you, so reach out to us or to an AA meeting for support. Don't take it personally as he is not capable of doing that for you. Working on forgiveness is something you do for yourself, it has nothing to do with him.
You have to take care of your side of the street only!!
Just keep working your program and getting healthier each day. He will notice, and hopefully want what you have.
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gleefan....be cautious of rationalizing yourself into accepting the unacceptable---to preserve the relationship. While coming to reality may be necessary in the big picture, it often brings pain along with the new-found knowledge.
dandylion
dandylion
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gleefan, I can relate to the part of the room smelling like alcohol and being disgusted. Also can relate to the part of asking him to drink water and he makes you feel absolutely ridiculous - almost like a mother. Been there.
I also let his addictive behavior determine how I felt in those situations- even though I knew I was not being unreasonable! Why do we do that. We have to be unmoved and strong in what we know is right. We know it, and yet they make us second guess reality. That is why, I think it is crucial and very important to just not interact with partner/spouse when they are drinking. We can then avoid all these hairy situations where they make us feel crazy. Limit interactions and unfortunately you have to just deal with the smell. :/ I use to say I could not sleep , and went to lay in the other room for a bit. Or I opened the windows.
haha.
I also let his addictive behavior determine how I felt in those situations- even though I knew I was not being unreasonable! Why do we do that. We have to be unmoved and strong in what we know is right. We know it, and yet they make us second guess reality. That is why, I think it is crucial and very important to just not interact with partner/spouse when they are drinking. We can then avoid all these hairy situations where they make us feel crazy. Limit interactions and unfortunately you have to just deal with the smell. :/ I use to say I could not sleep , and went to lay in the other room for a bit. Or I opened the windows.
haha.
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I agree with dandy about rationalizing and accepting unacceptable behavior. BUT!!! I hear a lot of good things coming from you too as a result of working your own program! Progress will continue and things will get easier, your path will become clearer, the more you stick with it. It may seem like small stuff but I'm proud of you -- Hugs!!
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I appreciate the wisdom and advice from those of you who have been there!
Bird - A dear friend of mine, also in recovery, gave me the same advice, to never try to "reason" with a drunk person. I appreciate your practical advice on how to stay detached.
Katchie - Thanks for the encouragement. Every time I stand my ground, even for the smallest thing, it feels like a teeny, bittersweet victory. Sweet because I'm standing up for my truth. Bitter because it drives another wedge between me and my AH. Does that make sense?
Yesterday I felt like my recovery was destroying my marriage, and I could see how if I didn't have a strong foothold in recovery, through SR, AA, and holding myself accountable to real life people, Id give in and join my husband, for the sake of "saving" our marriage.
That said, I know what I've gained in recovery, and I am determined to keep moving forward in recovery. I won't accept my AH's unacceptable behavior, little by little, bit by bit.
Dandylion - thank you for that important reminder.
Bird - A dear friend of mine, also in recovery, gave me the same advice, to never try to "reason" with a drunk person. I appreciate your practical advice on how to stay detached.
Katchie - Thanks for the encouragement. Every time I stand my ground, even for the smallest thing, it feels like a teeny, bittersweet victory. Sweet because I'm standing up for my truth. Bitter because it drives another wedge between me and my AH. Does that make sense?
Yesterday I felt like my recovery was destroying my marriage, and I could see how if I didn't have a strong foothold in recovery, through SR, AA, and holding myself accountable to real life people, Id give in and join my husband, for the sake of "saving" our marriage.
That said, I know what I've gained in recovery, and I am determined to keep moving forward in recovery. I won't accept my AH's unacceptable behavior, little by little, bit by bit.
Dandylion - thank you for that important reminder.
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Originally Posted by gleefan 
I am working hard in recovery on acceptance of what I cannot change, and stating my feelings clearly. When we got home I told him that I was uncomfortable that he was so drunk. I suggested he drink some water and go to bed.
He scoffed disgustedly at me and stormed off indignantly (but sloppily), suggesting that I was unreasonable, and it worked. I felt like I was being unreasonable. He drinks a lot but he doesn't miss a day of work, or blow off any of his responsibilities. I was able to process through those feelings of inadequacy, see that it's insane to let a drunk person's addiction, that wants to defend itself at all costs, tell me how to feel. .
He scoffed disgustedly at me and stormed off indignantly (but sloppily), suggesting that I was unreasonable, and it worked. I felt like I was being unreasonable. He drinks a lot but he doesn't miss a day of work, or blow off any of his responsibilities. I was able to process through those feelings of inadequacy, see that it's insane to let a drunk person's addiction, that wants to defend itself at all costs, tell me how to feel. .
I'm not trying to be an Ahole here - You are attempting to control him and his choices by making this about you and how you feel (which are valid feelings). You know he is going to get this drunk before you even arrive. If his drunken behavior disgusts you then don't be around him when he is drinking. If the room smells then sleep in another room, or when he is sober explain to him that he will be sleeping in another room if he chooses to get that intoxicated (not sure he will comply).
Your refusal to be around him when he is drinking in social settings will probably go way further than trying to get him to acknowledge how you feel when he drinks. He doesn't see it - he thinks you are being overdramatic I think. As you said he thinks you are having a mid-life crisis. Acknowledging your feelings on his alcoholic consumption and behavior is kind of the beginning of him saying he may have a problem. We all know denial is a very important component to alcoholism. He is in denial.
Congrats on your recovery that is awesome!!!
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Originally Posted by gleefan
Yesterday I felt like my recovery was destroying my marriage, and I could see how if I didn't have a strong foothold in recovery, through SR, AA, and holding myself accountable to real life people, Id give in and join my husband, for the sake of "saving" our marriage.
Recovery to me seems like finally getting conscious about how I'm acting and in fact saving it. Seems to me more of what we were doing would inevitably be its destruction... we were <that> close to separating last spring- she was looking around for apartments and I was prioritizing my list of divorce actions.
If you're getting sane and he's still using I could see how that would put distance between you two.. its a stressful place to be- there are 2 people in my homegroup with husbands actively using.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
You are attempting to control him and his choices by making this about you and how you feel (which are valid feelings). You know he is going to get this drunk before you even arrive. If his drunken behavior disgusts you then don't be around him when he is drinking. If the room smells then sleep in another room, or when he is sober explain to him that he will be sleeping in another room if he chooses to get that intoxicated (not sure he will comply). Your refusal to be around him when he is drinking in social settings will probably go way further than trying to get him to acknowledge how you feel when he drinks. He doesn't see it - he thinks you are being overdramatic I think.
As for that idea that I should just throw in the towel and quit recovery go back to drinking to "save" my marriage, that's a lie that the monster of addiction would love for me to believe because then addiction wins.
An old friend is in the hospital today on his death bed at age 45 because he chose alcohol over his children, wife, family, job, and friends. He's bleeding internally, in kidney and liver failure, celebrating addiction's victory.
I have made tremendous strides physically, emotionally and spiritually in recovery. Codependency, addiction and self loathing are the only things recovery has weakened. I am reclaiming my power and reintroducing myself to my voice - and I love it. In fact I love myself again, and I am not willing to give up this confidence to "save" addiction.
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Recovery may destroy a marriage. Or was it already destroyed but comfortably hidden because of our codie ways? It's an interesting idea to think on. I could also argue that as I grow my AH doesn't and the chasm between us grows, thus the idea that recovery could destroy a marriage. Perhaps it's both of these. Very I teresting, thanks for sharing that.
you sound very good in your resolve. I'm so glad for you! It makes the decisions we have to make easier to work thru. Hugs to you!
you sound very good in your resolve. I'm so glad for you! It makes the decisions we have to make easier to work thru. Hugs to you!
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Yesterday I felt like my recovery was destroying my marriage, and I could see how if I didn't have a strong foothold in recovery, through SR, AA, and holding myself accountable to real life people, Id give in and join my husband, for the sake of "saving" our marriage.
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Originally Posted by gleefan
redatlanta - i appreciate your honest appraisal of the situation more than you know. Why didn't it just occur to me to go to another room? Instead i chose to muffle my cries as i fell asleep.... I want to be able to look myself in the mirror. I can only do that when i stay on the beam.
As for that idea that i should just throw in the towel and quit recovery go back to drinking to "save" my marriage, that's a lie that the monster of addiction would love for me to believe because then addiction wins.
An old friend is in the hospital today on his death bed at age 45 because he chose alcohol over his children, wife, family, job, and friends. He's bleeding internally, in kidney and liver failure, celebrating addiction's victory.
I have made tremendous strides physically, emotionally and spiritually in recovery. Codependency, addiction and self loathing are the only things recovery has weakened. I am reclaiming my power and reintroducing myself to my voice - and i love it. In fact i love myself again, and i am not willing to give up this confidence to "save" addiction.
As for that idea that i should just throw in the towel and quit recovery go back to drinking to "save" my marriage, that's a lie that the monster of addiction would love for me to believe because then addiction wins.
An old friend is in the hospital today on his death bed at age 45 because he chose alcohol over his children, wife, family, job, and friends. He's bleeding internally, in kidney and liver failure, celebrating addiction's victory.
I have made tremendous strides physically, emotionally and spiritually in recovery. Codependency, addiction and self loathing are the only things recovery has weakened. I am reclaiming my power and reintroducing myself to my voice - and i love it. In fact i love myself again, and i am not willing to give up this confidence to "save" addiction.
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Hi Gleefan,
Your post struck a similar cord with me. I am also in recovery, yet my AH is still drinking. Although he only drinks on his two off days, I am getting fed up having to be around him while he drinks on our days off together. He is now drinking on average about six beers on those days with high alcohol content, and he gets so obnoxious. Furthermore, he is not able to be present for me when I need him on these days if I am struggling with something. I am getting so depressed over this. I now look forward to the days that he works and is sober than our days off together, so that is definitely a problem. I don't even care anymore if he was to talk to other women (even though he doesn't out of respect), but if he did, I now have nothing to worry about because I know no one could put up with him for more than 30 minutes when drinking. I cried today because I am so sad about everything.
Your post struck a similar cord with me. I am also in recovery, yet my AH is still drinking. Although he only drinks on his two off days, I am getting fed up having to be around him while he drinks on our days off together. He is now drinking on average about six beers on those days with high alcohol content, and he gets so obnoxious. Furthermore, he is not able to be present for me when I need him on these days if I am struggling with something. I am getting so depressed over this. I now look forward to the days that he works and is sober than our days off together, so that is definitely a problem. I don't even care anymore if he was to talk to other women (even though he doesn't out of respect), but if he did, I now have nothing to worry about because I know no one could put up with him for more than 30 minutes when drinking. I cried today because I am so sad about everything.
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Justbreathe - Congratulations on being in recovery. I stopped drinking about a year ago and I know how challenging it can be living with an alcoholic when you're trying to stop.
I relate to what you said about dreading the weekends when he's home and drinking. I'm sorry that your husband gets obnoxious when he's drinking. Mine doesn't; he gets sweet and nice. Yet, that doesn't make it any easier for a recovering person to be around a drinker. For a person who's taking steps to improving their life to hang behind with someone who's satisfied with the lifestyle that I recognized was killing me. I'm trying to figure out where I can go when he's drinking, what I can do to remove myself from situations. It seems simple, but it's actually complicated when the person you're escaping, the person whose behavior you're rejecting, is your partner's. That's why I come to the F&F area, to get advice from folks who've been there.
Thanks for reaching out. It's comforting to know I'm not alone. I post regularly on SR on the recovery side of things on the One Year and Under thread in the Newcomers Daily Support area. Feel free to stop by and join the conversation when you need support for your recovery or want to lend an hand to others who need yours!
I relate to what you said about dreading the weekends when he's home and drinking. I'm sorry that your husband gets obnoxious when he's drinking. Mine doesn't; he gets sweet and nice. Yet, that doesn't make it any easier for a recovering person to be around a drinker. For a person who's taking steps to improving their life to hang behind with someone who's satisfied with the lifestyle that I recognized was killing me. I'm trying to figure out where I can go when he's drinking, what I can do to remove myself from situations. It seems simple, but it's actually complicated when the person you're escaping, the person whose behavior you're rejecting, is your partner's. That's why I come to the F&F area, to get advice from folks who've been there.
Thanks for reaching out. It's comforting to know I'm not alone. I post regularly on SR on the recovery side of things on the One Year and Under thread in the Newcomers Daily Support area. Feel free to stop by and join the conversation when you need support for your recovery or want to lend an hand to others who need yours!
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