PLEASE tell me what to do next?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
PLEASE tell me what to do next?
I broke down last night because again my son was drunk. The gf left when he fell asleep and when I got home later he came out of his room drunk. I could not take it anymore so I emailed her. She told wrote me everything I suspected. He is controlling, aggressive, and it is not a healthy relationship. SHe said he jokes about being an alcoholic. She doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore but he threatens her and tells her she is all he has. She said that the first year he was great then something happened in him. He is very controlling and aggressive when she doesn't give him his way and goes for the alcohol. I am calling my therapist today and asking for advice. I don't know if I should call the police on him next time or what. I am showing the letter to my husband so maybe finally he will be on the same page as me! Please what do I do next.
Like the gf said.... He is an amazing man when sober but we don't see that side anymore.
Like the gf said.... He is an amazing man when sober but we don't see that side anymore.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Looks like he is drinking in your home ?
If so for starters I would tell him that
this is not acceptable
If he wishes to be a drunk
he needs to move out
Time to start confronting him
Insist that he not run a muck around you
this is not too much to ask
MM
If so for starters I would tell him that
this is not acceptable
If he wishes to be a drunk
he needs to move out
Time to start confronting him
Insist that he not run a muck around you
this is not too much to ask
MM
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
You may need to ask him to leave your house because abuse towards anyone is unacceptable. I would also suggest to his girlfriend that she leaves him. You might want to ban her from the house, with her knowledge, so that your son cannot abuse her there.
What is she afraid of? Is it physical violence or is your AS implying he will harm himself? Or does he get verbally abusive with her like he does with you? Either way it has to stop now. Have you considered seeing a DV specialist with your son's GF so she can start making a strategy?
What will your husband put up with? He already tolerates your AS swearing at and intimidating you.
What is she afraid of? Is it physical violence or is your AS implying he will harm himself? Or does he get verbally abusive with her like he does with you? Either way it has to stop now. Have you considered seeing a DV specialist with your son's GF so she can start making a strategy?
What will your husband put up with? He already tolerates your AS swearing at and intimidating you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
FeelingGreat has some great suggestions. You could start by offering support to his g/f. Abuse is no joke. Victims feel very alone and your support would probably mean a lot to her. Be aware, though, that abuse is also a TRAP and she may go back to him--multiple times--before she is ready to leave him for good. She's no different from others on this forum who have difficulty leaving an abusive partner. The threats can be very compelling.
If he ever becomes threatening toward YOU, you could apply for a protective order that would require him to move out. Obviously that would be difficult to do if your husband won't support that decision, but it's an option to keep in mind. Damaging your property in anger (punching holes in your wall, breaking things in anger) could provide another basis for an order.
I think you and his girlfriend would both benefit from talking with a DV advocate.
If he ever becomes threatening toward YOU, you could apply for a protective order that would require him to move out. Obviously that would be difficult to do if your husband won't support that decision, but it's an option to keep in mind. Damaging your property in anger (punching holes in your wall, breaking things in anger) could provide another basis for an order.
I think you and his girlfriend would both benefit from talking with a DV advocate.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hummingbird....I think consulting your therapist is a good idea. I don't know what her area of focus is, though. I suspect that you may need additional supportive connection to those who are specifically trained and experienced for the specific situation that you are trying to cope with.
Personally, I would not entangle yourself with the girlfriend any longer (other than remind her that she shouldn't accept abuse). That is a slippery slope for you that will just increase your personal agony. This is about boundaries, as the bottom line. He is an adult and will have to learn to manage his relationships. You can draw boundaries around that for YOU. Boundaries like not letting her stay at your home any longer.
You are not running a "flop house", after all...LOL! You don't have to be mean..just say what you mean;mean what you say; but, don't say it mean.
dandylion
dandylion
Personally, I would not entangle yourself with the girlfriend any longer (other than remind her that she shouldn't accept abuse). That is a slippery slope for you that will just increase your personal agony. This is about boundaries, as the bottom line. He is an adult and will have to learn to manage his relationships. You can draw boundaries around that for YOU. Boundaries like not letting her stay at your home any longer.
You are not running a "flop house", after all...LOL! You don't have to be mean..just say what you mean;mean what you say; but, don't say it mean.
dandylion
dandylion
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
So sorry you have to go through this. I agree that you should at least help the gf find help with a DV specialist. My almost sister in law is going through this right now, but the parents are blind enablers who know perfectly well what their son is but want her to come back on board. It's too sickening. That girl needs to know that you don't blame her for his sickness, that you see CLEARLY that he is the one responsible and that you would never want her to live like that. She is shattered and could use the support.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
So sorry all this is happening. I just can't imagine one of my son's being an alcoholic. For me I think that would be worse than my husband's addiction. Hugs hon!
You have some awesome advice above so I don't have much to add other than instead of getting involved with the gf, email her back info to alanon and DV hotline. Then it's in her hands but you don't have to be in the center.
big hugs!!
You have some awesome advice above so I don't have much to add other than instead of getting involved with the gf, email her back info to alanon and DV hotline. Then it's in her hands but you don't have to be in the center.
big hugs!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Sending, hugs, Hummingbird. I am so, so sorry for what you're dealing with. My MIL passed away shortly after AXH and I were married, and before any of us acknowledged that AXH had a problem, but she was around for some of the early stuff. I remember I broke up with him once early in our dating because of what boiled down to his drinking and behavior. I didn't know where he'd taken off to for a couple weeks, so I dropped his stuff off at her house before I left state for school. I remember that she was so sad as she stood at their door and I backed out of their driveway.
I don't know how she would have reacted when dealing with AXH's drinking and abuse. I like to think she would have been as concerned as you are and would have believed about the abuse also. I think forwarding the GF information about Alanon and the DV hotline would be a good idea, as well as letting her know that you would understand whatever decision she makes about their relationship; that she is free to make that decision.
I'm so glad you're able to discuss this with you therapist; you deserve support in this, too.
I don't know how she would have reacted when dealing with AXH's drinking and abuse. I like to think she would have been as concerned as you are and would have believed about the abuse also. I think forwarding the GF information about Alanon and the DV hotline would be a good idea, as well as letting her know that you would understand whatever decision she makes about their relationship; that she is free to make that decision.
I'm so glad you're able to discuss this with you therapist; you deserve support in this, too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
My son is not the same young man as he once was. I know that and his girlfriend told me that. Something has changed in him. Since I go to work very early I emailed him that he needs to get help. I told him to look at the pictures on his wall and I asked him where that smiling young man went. I came home to talk to him then knowing he was sober. He told me that he has decided to stop drinking and feels this is his rock bottom.... I told him that I had heard that before. I suggested to him about going for outpatient rehab and he refused. SO I said, well if you continue like you are you won't have a choice soon. You will be dead or in jail depending on what you do. He said I have to give him a chance to change. I told him he has 2 weeks and if there is no change then he will have to seek help from a doctor. He is having a breakdown now. He had tears in his eyes and wanted to see his girlfriend but she would not come to see him at college (She text me that ). I also told him that he will not have a car until he gets help and I see he has changed. He said that he needed a car for his summer classes, so I said well then I suggest you get help because unless you change your goal of graduating in December won't happen. You may wonder where my husband was all this time, sitting on the kitchen chair listening. He never said a word. I called the therapist I see but he did not call me back today. Hopefully he does tomorrow. My son is at his apartment at college now and I am worried about him. He told my husband, who drove him back, that he can't go to class because he has to pull himself together. He has no money so I don't think he will be drinking. I am going to try to find an outpatient alcohol rehab in our area and hopefully he will agree. He needs serious mental help.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
the thing is, if he is away all week, you don't know if he is drinking more or going to classes...He very well might be drinking more than you know and not doing well in his classes. throwing away an entire semester is expensive.
Good for you that you are setting rules for him about the car. the last thing you need to worry about is him driving drunk and hurting someone or an expensive DUI, attorney, etc.
I hope that you husband can finally see that this is MORE than college partying.
Good for you that you are setting rules for him about the car. the last thing you need to worry about is him driving drunk and hurting someone or an expensive DUI, attorney, etc.
I hope that you husband can finally see that this is MORE than college partying.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
hummingbird I'm glad your husband didn't actually work against you, but I strongly suggest you get him to a therapy session with you so you can both work on and agree to a plan. He needs to have some input so he can play his part willingly.
If it had been up to you, you would have taken stronger action earlier but without your husband's support, your son may not co-operate. As it is you haven't uttered the bottom line which is you won't support him if he continues to drink in your home. That's pretty simple.
I hope his girlfriend stays away because that seems to be acting on him more than your wishes.
If it had been up to you, you would have taken stronger action earlier but without your husband's support, your son may not co-operate. As it is you haven't uttered the bottom line which is you won't support him if he continues to drink in your home. That's pretty simple.
I hope his girlfriend stays away because that seems to be acting on him more than your wishes.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Second Al-anon
I go now and then as I have a sister that still drinks.
She doesn't live with me though, so maybe a fair few meetings a week would be worthwhile.
80 odd years of experience in dealing with drinkers...... It's a great support network.
Cyber help is good, but I find face to face even better
I go now and then as I have a sister that still drinks.
She doesn't live with me though, so maybe a fair few meetings a week would be worthwhile.
80 odd years of experience in dealing with drinkers...... It's a great support network.
Cyber help is good, but I find face to face even better
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
"Outpatient" treatment is available all over the place, for free. It's AA. If he's not willing to go to free, nightly available meetings, you're at a stopping point.
I wouldn't put too much stock into his reasoning. Something that helped me was recognizing that as long as he was drinking his words to me were about maintaining the status quo and minimizing the effects of his drinking on me and our family.
Your husband's silence is a red flag for me. The A will "attack the attacker" (you) and triangulate to keep the passive parent under the alcoholic/enabler veil. If you make it to counseling and Al-Anon, have your husband go with you.
I wouldn't put too much stock into his reasoning. Something that helped me was recognizing that as long as he was drinking his words to me were about maintaining the status quo and minimizing the effects of his drinking on me and our family.
Your husband's silence is a red flag for me. The A will "attack the attacker" (you) and triangulate to keep the passive parent under the alcoholic/enabler veil. If you make it to counseling and Al-Anon, have your husband go with you.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Are you going to Alanon?
Originally Posted by hummingbird1094 
I broke down last night because again my son was drunk. The gf left when he fell asleep and when I got home later he came out of his room drunk. I could not take it anymore so I emailed her. She told wrote me everything I suspected. He is controlling, aggressive, and it is not a healthy relationship. SHe said he jokes about being an alcoholic. She doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore but he threatens her and tells her she is all he has. She said that the first year he was great then something happened in him. He is very controlling and aggressive when she doesn't give him his way and goes for the alcohol. I am calling my therapist today and asking for advice. I don't know if I should call the police on him next time or what. I am showing the letter to my husband so maybe finally he will be on the same page as me! Please what do I do next.
Like the gf said.... He is an amazing man when sober but we don't see that side anymore.
Like the gf said.... He is an amazing man when sober but we don't see that side anymore.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
We told our son tonight that we do not want any alcohol in the house or have him come home drunk. If he does not listen, he will be asked to leave and he will have to stay at his apartment at college. WE told him that we were only trying to help and that letting him stay here is enabling him. Well..... He said "how is that helping me?" He got angry. I added we want respect too. He says "Well, respect goes both ways..."
We are sticking to it though. Offered to get him help and he refuses.
I met a friend today that actually turned her own son in anonymously for drunk driving and she said it was the best thing she ever did. So... I am going to remember that. Right now he has no car and we are not planning on getting one. He was told he has to change so hopefully something will.
We are sticking to it though. Offered to get him help and he refuses.
I met a friend today that actually turned her own son in anonymously for drunk driving and she said it was the best thing she ever did. So... I am going to remember that. Right now he has no car and we are not planning on getting one. He was told he has to change so hopefully something will.
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