Need opinion
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Need opinion
Last night Ah ask his sister if she wanted some loratab that he had some and he doesn't take them she said well yeah do you want me to buy them he said oh no and she said ok . He purposely did this in a way to make sure I heard their conversation, it doesn't matter that he is giving them away what matters is that he should not have them at all and he had to have bought them with money that could have gone toward bills or grocerys . Why would he want me to hear this is he so dillusional that he thinks this would make him look like he is doing nothing wrong?
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
I don't have your answer in your/his particular situation, but most likely.... Yup.
When I was deep in my drinking/using, I was completely delusional in my thinking and actions and behaviors, and my continual attempts at justification ranged from plausible to absurd....but I could not see any of it.
I had to continue on until my state of mind was pure living hell (of my own making which I COULD NOT see). My wife asked me to leave multiple times (which I did for the sake of less confrontation in front of my kids). Fortunately I continued through it all to keep my job and provide support.
My life was changed (A complete Miracle) by working the AA Program (which is the 12 Steps) with the guidance of my AA Sponsor and AA friends. It took many attempts, but I hung in there. I am now completely FREE, and my Wife and I have a very good relationship. I now KNOW and can SEE just how delusional I was, and I can see how my wife and others saw me.
Prayer helps, believe it or not, but it is not an instant magic bullet. God bless you, and I sincerely hope for a good path for you and your AH.
RDBplus3...happy, joyous, and FREE
When I was deep in my drinking/using, I was completely delusional in my thinking and actions and behaviors, and my continual attempts at justification ranged from plausible to absurd....but I could not see any of it.
I had to continue on until my state of mind was pure living hell (of my own making which I COULD NOT see). My wife asked me to leave multiple times (which I did for the sake of less confrontation in front of my kids). Fortunately I continued through it all to keep my job and provide support.
My life was changed (A complete Miracle) by working the AA Program (which is the 12 Steps) with the guidance of my AA Sponsor and AA friends. It took many attempts, but I hung in there. I am now completely FREE, and my Wife and I have a very good relationship. I now KNOW and can SEE just how delusional I was, and I can see how my wife and others saw me.
Prayer helps, believe it or not, but it is not an instant magic bullet. God bless you, and I sincerely hope for a good path for you and your AH.
RDBplus3...happy, joyous, and FREE
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
RDB- What a brutally honest comment!! It's hard for us alanon's to grasp the "delusional" part of this disease. We take everything personal and believe you do things "at" us.
I divorced my A back in October after 34 years together. I am moving on, he is struggling, of course. He sent me a "happy Valentines" text and had to tell me how lonely he is and has nothing to do. I of course tried to boost up his spirits, instead of just ignoring him.
He will never get sober by me helping him. So I need to stay away and mind my business!! UE- try not to take anything personally, you are not dealing with a sane person!!
Hugs!!
I divorced my A back in October after 34 years together. I am moving on, he is struggling, of course. He sent me a "happy Valentines" text and had to tell me how lonely he is and has nothing to do. I of course tried to boost up his spirits, instead of just ignoring him.
He will never get sober by me helping him. So I need to stay away and mind my business!! UE- try not to take anything personally, you are not dealing with a sane person!!
Hugs!!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
I just read back on a few of your posts, and you seem to ask these types of questions a lot. Do you still need validation that your husband is an addict? Well, yes he is. The question has been answered. As far as whether he's hiding things, well, people in the depths of addiction do that. And they lie. Consistently. As in whenever their lips are moving.
Instead of focusing on his actions, your time would be better spent focusing on yourself, and what you can do to get out of this hole that you have allowed yourself to be dragged into. He may or may not choose recovery. But whatever he does, you don't have to get dragged down with him. You do have the option of letting go. And if you choose stay with him in his active addiction, well then the misery you bring to yourself is kind of a consequence of your decision to stay.
Instead of focusing on his actions, your time would be better spent focusing on yourself, and what you can do to get out of this hole that you have allowed yourself to be dragged into. He may or may not choose recovery. But whatever he does, you don't have to get dragged down with him. You do have the option of letting go. And if you choose stay with him in his active addiction, well then the misery you bring to yourself is kind of a consequence of your decision to stay.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
Thanks Maia [RDB- What a brutally honest comment!!]
The intro read at most of the AA meetings in my area have what basically states, "Many of Us have Grave Emotional, Mental, and Spiritual Disorders, but even these are able to Recover IF they have the capacity to be HONEST".
Even though I have a much better Clarity of Mind now that I am FREE from the active Obsession/Drinking/Craving Cycle, my ability to be Honest about myself needs constant work, and that is so I can stay FREE from that Obsession/Drinking/Craving Cycle.
The AA Program made me aware that, Glass in Hand, I warped my Body & Mind into such a Condition that ONLY a NEW Spiritual Condition could keep me free from what I had developed as an 'Alcoholic Nature'. My Natural DEFAULT in any situation is to Drink, and EVERY thought and behavior process leads to Drinking, and it is engrained in me on a Human Nature level.
So, Thank You for pointing out that I was 'Brutally Honest', because that is what I need to be to keep the Spiritual Condition that NOW keeps me elevated above my NATURAL INCLINATION to DRINK.
RDBplus3...Happy, Joyous, and FREE.
The intro read at most of the AA meetings in my area have what basically states, "Many of Us have Grave Emotional, Mental, and Spiritual Disorders, but even these are able to Recover IF they have the capacity to be HONEST".
Even though I have a much better Clarity of Mind now that I am FREE from the active Obsession/Drinking/Craving Cycle, my ability to be Honest about myself needs constant work, and that is so I can stay FREE from that Obsession/Drinking/Craving Cycle.
The AA Program made me aware that, Glass in Hand, I warped my Body & Mind into such a Condition that ONLY a NEW Spiritual Condition could keep me free from what I had developed as an 'Alcoholic Nature'. My Natural DEFAULT in any situation is to Drink, and EVERY thought and behavior process leads to Drinking, and it is engrained in me on a Human Nature level.
So, Thank You for pointing out that I was 'Brutally Honest', because that is what I need to be to keep the Spiritual Condition that NOW keeps me elevated above my NATURAL INCLINATION to DRINK.
RDBplus3...Happy, Joyous, and FREE.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by Needabreak 
I just read back on a few of your posts, and you seem to ask these types of questions a lot. Do you still need validation that your husband is an addict? Well, yes he is. The question has been answered. As far as whether he's hiding things, well, people in the depths of addiction do that. And they lie. Consistently. As in whenever their lips are moving.
Instead of focusing on his actions, your time would be better spent focusing on yourself, and what you can do to get out of this hole that you have allowed yourself to be dragged into. He may or may not choose recovery. But whatever he does, you don't have to get dragged down with him. You do have the option of letting go. And if you choose stay with him in his active addiction, well then the misery you bring to yourself is kind of a consequence of your decision to stay.
Instead of focusing on his actions, your time would be better spent focusing on yourself, and what you can do to get out of this hole that you have allowed yourself to be dragged into. He may or may not choose recovery. But whatever he does, you don't have to get dragged down with him. You do have the option of letting go. And if you choose stay with him in his active addiction, well then the misery you bring to yourself is kind of a consequence of your decision to stay.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Originally Posted by unease7
... yeah thanks for the support I feel a lot better knowing Im choosing to loose my husband to pills an alcohol .
But you are choosing to keep a front row seat to his addiction. You don't need to do this.
Look, I've been there. Read my history. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But it's happening. It sucks. It is what it is. And trying to pretend otherwise doesn't make the truth go away.
At some point you have to face this for what it is. He's an addict. You didn't cause it, you don't control it and you can't cure him of it. But as long as he doesn't want to stop, he's going to keep doing the same thing -- and will keep dragging you along for the ride....unless you let go.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Originally Posted by Needabreak
You're not choosing to lose him. He's the one choosing to continue using, to not face his addiction, to not recover.
But you are choosing to keep a front row seat to his addiction. You don't need to do this.
Look, I've been there. Read my history. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But it's happening. It sucks. It is what it is. And trying to pretend otherwise doesn't make the truth go away.
At some point you have to face this for what it is. He's an addict. You didn't cause it, you don't control it and you can't cure him of it. But as long as he doesn't want to stop, he's going to keep doing the same thing -- and will keep dragging you along for the ride....unless you let go.
But you are choosing to keep a front row seat to his addiction. You don't need to do this.
Look, I've been there. Read my history. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But it's happening. It sucks. It is what it is. And trying to pretend otherwise doesn't make the truth go away.
At some point you have to face this for what it is. He's an addict. You didn't cause it, you don't control it and you can't cure him of it. But as long as he doesn't want to stop, he's going to keep doing the same thing -- and will keep dragging you along for the ride....unless you let go.
I came here looking for understanding and hope. Sometimes it's difficult to wrap our brains around the details of why addicts do what they do. I didn't like the answers that I got at first either.
To answer your question, I don't think he had any intention of making this deal in front of you. All I can see is that he wanted to make the deal and it didn't matter who was or was not there. Was he giving these loratabs away for free? I find that hard to believe. It seems odd that there was not some type of trade involved.
I hope you read our stories here and see that we've all been through the ringer. I know how hard it is to let go of what we wish the addict would be. We cry. We grieve. We rise above. He is free to give away or sell his pills if he wants to. You are free to either live with it or leave. It really is that black and white.
I haven't left my husband yet. I just had a conversation with my best friend about him. She told me "I care about you and respect your choices. As your friend though I need to tell you something. If you choose to stay in the front row, and he comes home and everythng goes down the drain, don't expect any sympathy from me. You cannot stay in a relationship with him and then complain about how miserable you are. If you are miserable, then change it. Don't be sorry, be different."
I was so mad at first! But I think I understand now.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Originally Posted by Lily1918
Eloquently stated.
"....If you choose to stay in the front row, and he comes home and everythng goes down the drain, don't expect any sympathy from me. You cannot stay in a relationship with him and then complain about how miserable you are. If you are miserable, then change it. Don't be sorry, be different."
I was so mad at first! But I think I understand now.
"....If you choose to stay in the front row, and he comes home and everythng goes down the drain, don't expect any sympathy from me. You cannot stay in a relationship with him and then complain about how miserable you are. If you are miserable, then change it. Don't be sorry, be different."
I was so mad at first! But I think I understand now.
I ended things with my ex a while ago, and have come a long way in my recovery. My ex is now in jail for felony possession after being involved in a deadly hit and run while under the influence.
Thank God I ended things before that event.
So I went from a miserable period in my live, almost being dragged down with an addict to a very dark place -- to where I am now. Today I have a successful business that I built. I am dating someone new, a guy who treats me like gold I am more wary of people now, yes, but I don't get held back by people anymore. My experience with addiction gave me a lot of wisdom.
My bad time living with an addict is far back in my history now. I come to read for a reality check, and I post sometimes because I remember how miserable I was. So when I see people who are so close to moving through to a better place, but just not quite there yet I get tempted to give them a little push. I guess I believe it's better to be make someone angry than to coddle them in their misery.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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These walls kicked me in the butt to do something about my misery. I would go to open aa meetings and hear them talk about "its what we do/did and who we were/are, deal with it", from AA members. I got really tired of hearing about that.
So coming to this forum, I got, they are who they are and nothing you can do about it. But what I can do about it, was take care of me. Got tired of it. Its been 3 months since my divorce and my life is amazing. (don't get me wrong, I miss my X, but not the crap he pulled on me)
When you are ready, you will do what you need to do. Hugs!!
So coming to this forum, I got, they are who they are and nothing you can do about it. But what I can do about it, was take care of me. Got tired of it. Its been 3 months since my divorce and my life is amazing. (don't get me wrong, I miss my X, but not the crap he pulled on me)
When you are ready, you will do what you need to do. Hugs!!
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