Frixion

That buzz. That ever so "hopeful buzz". It makes me feel sane, and capable of tackling life. As I fill my glass of ice and water with that potent vodka, I feel on top of the world. This, this feeling can only be good. A couple more drinks, and that convincing AV lets me know that right now life is even better than it was just-a-couple-of-drinks-ago. Uh, oh common sense slipped back into my mind for half of a slit of a second and reminded me about all the tasks that were supposed to be completed for the night.

With my new founded "hope", I will tackle the first task.. I am unstoppable. I will start off by cleaning the kitchen, and cook dinner - simple tasks. Than after all that I will tackle my homework, and do a load of laundry. I head to the kitchen, and start the meal while I clean, meanwhile stressing my liver further with "just a tad more vodka". More vodka can only make this feeling better right? I'm dizzy I can't quite clean while I'm cooking.. Multitasking doesn't feel possible. Suddenly time rushes forward - nothings been cleaned & the meal is burning. I can't think clearly, it must be because of my undiagnosed anxiety disorder... it's not the alcohol... I just need to learn how to cook better.

Turn off the stove, but I don't take the pot off the heat emitting burner. As the meal continues burning, I quickly grab the vodka bottle, I notice it's already half empty, but I don't have time to ponder drinking because the food is still burning. I don't have time to ponder, only time to drink a little bit more. I get to the pot that has the food cooking in it, a little taste... yuck this is terrible. Add sauce, add anything to save it! I failed.

My boyfriend asks what time dinner is ready, he can see my struggling. He asks me if I need a hand with things. I'm now emotional and burst "I CAN HANDLE THIS" - it's a simple task after all. The meal is burnt and my pride stops me from accepting I ruined dinner. I tell him that the food is done, and have to confess that it hasn't turned out how I expected (choosing my words carefully, almost as a sales person). He lets me know he's sure it taste fine, and grabs a bowl. He eats some and pretends to like it. My emotions are obvious, I can't compose my self, and he doesn't want to trigger a melt-down by being honest. He takes the bowl to a different room - he doesn't eat it.

I am sad I failed at my simple task, I drink more. Vodka will make this sad feeling go away. Then bam BLACKOUT.

I wake up the next morning, and it's 10am. I feel like death. F**K! my class started at 8:30am, and there was a quiz I missed. I convince myself the quiz is nothing to stress about, but it is so I land up stressed anyway. I will never drink AGAIN. No a single drop more.

As the day continues I don't feel well, suddenly I realize it been 24 hours since I cooked dinner the night before. My classes of the day were all skipped, my homework wasn't even glanced at, and I haven't done the laundry at all. My boyfriend comes home from working all day, he's tired... I must have kept him up all night, but I am embarrassed to ask him what had happened. If I ask I have to learn about what I said and did while I blacked out. I will have to take responsibility.

This makes me sad, and I still feel sick. I shouldn't want to drink again, but in all reality all I want is a drink in that single moment. My voice and my AV argue, but at this moment my AV is stronger than I, so I drink again. And the cycle of my alcoholism starts again.

Now I am tired, and shaky. I am on day 3.. again. I have gone back to AA. I am forced to feel all of the feeling I tied to suppress with vodka. AA helps, I like it there. It's the moments when AA isn't there that I struggle. My anxiety is rough right now. I feel in my heart that this time is the time I succeed at my sobriety, but learning how to live life seems beyond impossible.

48heath

Frixion,have you got any phone numbers from people in your meeting?

IOAA2

Hi.
In my miserable latter days of drinking I had most of your feelings and experience. YUCK!

The meetingS helped me tremendously, leading my thinking away from drinking and living sober. I was able to get very active in the group which was for my benefit and sanity.

The big thing I kept telling myself: If I don’t pick up the first drink one day at a time in a row, I won’t have to TRY to get sober AGAIN.

What a relief that was!

BE WELL

Soberwolf

Congrats on day 3 Frixion

PurpleKnight

Great job on Day 3 Frixion!! Keep it going!!

Dee74

Welcome back Frixion - there's nothing bad about accepting you have a problem and doing something about it

you can do this - version 2.0

D

Anna

Being forced to feel everything that we numbed away is terribly hard, but absolutely necessary. And, you know what, you can do it. If AA helps, that's great. I found that journaling helped me a lot to get the thoughts out of my head, and so did getting outside and walking. Do whatever you need to do, and know for certain, you can learn how to live a sober life.

Hevyn

That scenario is so familiar, Frixion. Been there many times. In the end there was no joy or fun in it - just misery and defeat. It will never take us where we want to go. It's such a relief to get free. I'm so glad you have 3 days.

tomsteve

AA helps, I like it there. It's the moments when AA isn't there that I struggle. My anxiety is rough right now. I feel in my heart that this time is the time I succeed at my sobriety, but learning how to live life seems beyond impossible.

Phone numbers work great when I'm not at a meeting or able to make one, but only when I use them. it's amazing how much lighter the phone is thana bottle and I've always gotten better solutions on the phone.

It's NOT impossible. But will take T.I.M.E.
If you decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it then you are ready to take certain steps.


Got a sponsor?

Nonsensical

Of all the lies your AV told you, that last one is the worst.