Lovesunrises

Last night, my daughter who lives out of state called me all upset. She and her boyfriend were arguing. According to my daughter, the argument started when they were getting ready to leave a restaurant after Valentines Day Dinner. Her boyfriend made a comment to her something like "you are a drunk just like your mom!" I'm not totally defending my daughter here because I'm sure she probably did have one too many glasses of wine last night and he probably did too, but she is not even close having the problem with alcohol that I have struggled with. In my opinion, that comment was unnecessary and was said out of anger because he knew it would hurt her and they both know how to push each other's buttons. That being said, now, I am feeling like a piece of $#@*! I never knew he thought of me as a "drunk". They have been together for 4 years now and he has seen me drunk once about 3 years ago, but I guess that was enough. I did apologize to him for that a long time ago. I went to bed really upset last night and thought I would feel better this morning, but I still feel really low and am still fighting back the tears. It really hurts to be thought of by someone as a "drunk". I just feel deflated right now. Thanks for listening.

hillbillygirl

We sometimes say things out of anger that we do not mean, and even worse, we say things we dont mean when we're angry AND drinking. Its likely that he doesnt think of you like that, but was just trying to throw a low blow at your daughter (which doesnt make it a whole lot better) even though its hard, just let it go...

I hope you feel better. *Hugs*

SoberLeigh

I am sorry, sweetheart. It was said in anger, probably an exaggeration and without regard to or in recognition of the many traits that he admires about you, but a very low blow nonetheless - shame on him.

Keep living in sobriety; it will become his reality of thought.

Della1968

Hugs to you.

Jsbodhi

Aw! What a jerk! I wouldn't really concern myself with what someone like that thinks.
He insulted his girlfriend's momma, and on valentines day!
I think now he's the one who's going to be owing apologies.
To be honest if she tells him she told you, he's going to be mortified!

ScottFromWI

Words can be harsh, but they are just words. Remember too that you only have second hand knowlege of a conversation between 2 people that were drinking.

biminiblue

One thing I've really had to come to grips with is that I have no control over what other people say or think.

I do have 100% control over my reaction to my perceived hurts. I can acknowledge them with an "ouch" and then let it go. I can't change what's been said, and I can't change what I did in the past. I do know that holding on to anger leads to resentment and that leads to bad things. I cannot afford to relinquish my serenity for any reason.

Moving ever forward.

Soberwolf

Dont let this get to you
(((LS)))

LBrain

It does hurt to be known as a drunk by someone. Imagine what it feels like to known as a drunk to some (a whole lot of people).

All we can do is move forward and improve ourselves.

Thepatman

People can call me a drunk all they want. Won't keep me from rocking my sobriety.

Don't let someone's comment affect you. Maybe you were a drunk before, but not anymore.

nomis

Right on Pat! I've had people tell me that I was the sloppiest messiest drunk around, and others who said they were sure I didn't have a problem.

One thing's for certain, with almost two-and-a-half years of soberiety, NOBODY calls me a drunk anymore.

PurpleKnight

Words can be cutting sometimes, people don't think before speaking!!

AddictGuy

hillbilly girl was saying, just let it go
biminiblue was saying "Moving ever forward."

What a challenge it is to let the past be the past. There's some saying that says that the things that hurt feel twice as bad as the good things feel good. I would say that the bad feels 100 times worse than the good feels good.

The past. What people say about the past. How we feel about the past. If it was back when we were still just children, or a couple of minutes ago. The challenge is to let these things go and move forward. Our present and our future needs all of our attention it can get and getting lost in the past is just too easy to do . . . unless we are always working at it. Forward. Forward. Forward. It is our only hope.

DrunkTx

I think you got hung up on the tail end of the thinking, but if you followed it through, you should be delighted. Yes, you're a drunk, we all are. But you are working on recovering (yay 1). An early warning system just triggered for your daughter. While they were cutting words, what better cognitive association of the negative stigma of being a drunk? (yay 2). You can clearly see the "game". Man and woman fight, they pull certain punches to elicit a response or emotion. you saw it coming a mile away, to the point that you could have choreographed the fight yourself. What better control of liquor can you have than the ability to see the trigger action before it lands. You are bordering Jedi level mastery of not getting swayed by comments that you know are deliberately placed to elicit a response.... you knew why he said what he said, and under what conditions.... no anger, no resentment. (yay 3). Your relationship with your daughter is so strong that she felt ok telling you the details, and probably was looking for some comfort from her mom (yay 4).

You just missed ninja Jedi, you got hung up on being called a drunk. My response? Hell ya I'm a drunk, see me roar as I drive my sobriety. In my sobriety, I can see your childish arguing skills, in my sobriety I can see your manipulation via words, in my sobriety, I am safe enough to not harbor anger and resentment towards you, because I only control me. LS........hold your head up high, you can be rocking the world right now!

Lovesunrises

Thank you so much everybody! I'm so glad I have a place to come where there are people who understand. I'm still feeling kind of crappy over the whole situation, but I'm trying to stay distracted and busy today. I wish stuff like this didn't "get to me" so much, but it just does. I guess because I feel so guilty about my past drinking episodes and I don't want to be reminded or have it thrown in my face when I'm trying so hard to make changes to make things right and stay sober.

happyandfree

Someone called me a "lush" once and it really upset me. All I can do is be happy that I no longer qualify for such a label. People can be insensitive and cruel.

JadedGirl

I agree he probably said it out of anger, not that I'm defending him at all, but he probably said the thing he knew would get a reaction and hurt. I was only saying to my mum earlier that I feel ashamed when I look back but that's just wasted energy. We have to look forward. Regardless of what you've done in the past you're trying to do things better now and the people who matter will respect you for that. Don't let him knock you down xx

leviathan

hey, saw your post earlier today. had to share this with you.
-So, about 6 months ago (at 6 months sober for me) my wife and i went to the hospital to see daughter (my step) after she had surgery. we took 3 yr. old granddaughter with to visit her mommy.

when we get to room, my wife's ex (daughter's bio-dad) and his most recent wife were visiting. everyone had a good visit. daughter fine, but groggy. we left granddaughter with the other set to say goodbye in room. they were going to bring her into the lobby where we would then take her on to mcdonalds.

she comes out with them and pretends to be mad at me. announces "poppy's drunk!" and pouts away. as we get in the car and wife straps her in while explaining "poppy doesnt even drink.", i look over to her ex and spouse, sheepish and red-faced as they get in their car.

then it clicks. and my head goes ALL THE WAY to my most darkest places.

-i may never live this down, even if im sober for years.
-i knew this kind of stuff was in store for me if i chose to admit i needed help, and that was a major source of hesitation for me getting such help.
-this kid has never even noticed me drinking, and is too young to be hearing their bad-mouth shite.
-i have acted as peace-maker and go-between for spouse and her ex with a smile on my face for 16 years! THAT's GONNA STOP RIGHT NOW!
-i have always taken great pains to shine light on the positive when the children (2 stepdaughters) were upset with their dad's bad decisions and they have NEVER heard me badmouth him. THAT's GONNA STOP RIGHT NOW!
-i have never rubbed his face into the instability he exposed them to while doing blow with his bar-girls during a four-year midlife crisis and marrying one after another (4-or 5 now).
-ive always been nothing but sweet to the current wife who is a shallow, materialistic meanie who's primary identity as a person is "proud breast cancer survivor". THAT's GONNA STOP RIGHT NOW!

etc... ruined my day. had me thinking about telling them off (with violence as an option between us men) and leaving the girls with a rift between parents who no longer can speak or be in the same room together.

i lost sleep. thank god i had a couple of weeks without seeing them, to cool down. -all because of what some sunshiny little girl heard in a hospital room... i realized i was poisoned by their nastiness, and i refuse to drink it. last time i saw them i made conversation and smiled. i will NEVER forget how it got to me though.

jryan19982

Ugh sorry to hear about that. But you are sober so yay! And from the sound of it you will be sober tomorrow so yay! The only thing we can do is show by our actions that was the old me and the new me is different. The new me is sober and with that comes so many positives! Waking i a drunk? Yup. Am i now? Nope. Maybe he heard about times you were drunk and is just assuming. Well we all know what assuming does... makes that person look like an idiot and @$$. Only control what you can.