really hard day :(
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
really hard day :(
i exchanged just a few short texts with my AM today. first contact since july of last year when i blocked her number.
and i already am back to feeling that flood of worthlessness, guilt, anger, bitterness, blame, shame... the works. i need to shore up my boundaries.
in her mind, she has rewritten history - i am the villain, i never did anything to help her - on the contrary, i stole, lied, and cheated her. (i didn't save her from bankruptcy while she drank her life away, save her house from being repossessed, bring her food every day for months - i could go on for pages). i am a failure and a disappointment.
it's like making contact with a spirit from the beyond and finding out they're still mad at you in the afterlife.
i mourn the loss of my mother. she was bad before addictions - with them, she is totally lost to this world.
i feel a ball of tightness and anxiety in my chest, it's almost 4am, i am clenching my jaws and knotting my fists. i feel like i'm going crazy. there's a bunch of other stuff going on right now too... i don't see my therapist til friday. i hate taking clonipin because it reminds me of my mother but i feel like i might have to take half of one.
there were long stretches of time when i could have called my mom, when i got this anxious or lost feeling.
and i already am back to feeling that flood of worthlessness, guilt, anger, bitterness, blame, shame... the works. i need to shore up my boundaries.
in her mind, she has rewritten history - i am the villain, i never did anything to help her - on the contrary, i stole, lied, and cheated her. (i didn't save her from bankruptcy while she drank her life away, save her house from being repossessed, bring her food every day for months - i could go on for pages). i am a failure and a disappointment.
it's like making contact with a spirit from the beyond and finding out they're still mad at you in the afterlife.
i mourn the loss of my mother. she was bad before addictions - with them, she is totally lost to this world.
i feel a ball of tightness and anxiety in my chest, it's almost 4am, i am clenching my jaws and knotting my fists. i feel like i'm going crazy. there's a bunch of other stuff going on right now too... i don't see my therapist til friday. i hate taking clonipin because it reminds me of my mother but i feel like i might have to take half of one.
there were long stretches of time when i could have called my mom, when i got this anxious or lost feeling.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Sounds awful, seasaw!! Can you block her again since you have before? It doesn't sound as though she has been much of a mother, after all. And if your life is more peaceful and joy-filled without speaking to her, then you are well within your rights to NOT speak to her anymore--as sad as that is.
As far as what she says about you--all those false accusations? Well, someone on here (forgotten who) said that no matter how many times someone tells me my refrigerator is green, that doesn't mean it's true. I look at my refrigerator, and it's white.
I always try to keep that in mind when someone is saying things about me that aren't true. It doesn't matter what they think or how many times they say something, that does not mean it's true!
Sending hugs for prayers for a better day!
As far as what she says about you--all those false accusations? Well, someone on here (forgotten who) said that no matter how many times someone tells me my refrigerator is green, that doesn't mean it's true. I look at my refrigerator, and it's white.
I always try to keep that in mind when someone is saying things about me that aren't true. It doesn't matter what they think or how many times they say something, that does not mean it's true!
Sending hugs for prayers for a better day!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 10
Seesaw - sorry your going through this today. Seems like you have been through a lot.
Like Seren says above "the refrigerator is not green but still white"
All those feelings you have, we get them too. You are not alone.
Like Seren says above "the refrigerator is not green but still white"
All those feelings you have, we get them too. You are not alone.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
seasaw....you are experiencing the pain of loving someone who is an addict.
Are you trying to walk this alone...?
There are so many of us who know your pain.
You may need to grieve the relationship that you wanted but never had. You may have to do what a l ot of us have had to do...that is learn how to love from a distance.
But, this is really hard to do without help.
Have you ever sought help specifically for any of this...?
dandylion
Are you trying to walk this alone...?
There are so many of us who know your pain.
You may need to grieve the relationship that you wanted but never had. You may have to do what a l ot of us have had to do...that is learn how to love from a distance.
But, this is really hard to do without help.
Have you ever sought help specifically for any of this...?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Seasaw
It is so hard to lose someone we love to this disease.
Please go to AlAnon. Attend at least six meetings. It is okay to move around until you find a group that fits.
The addict practices detachment from us through their drug of choice. We learn to detach from them in love by working our own 12 step program. I know it sounds strange to hear this right now, but it is like making a choice to get into one of the lifeboats from the Titanic. Nobody wins if there are no surviviors!
Keep coming back!
It is so hard to lose someone we love to this disease.
Please go to AlAnon. Attend at least six meetings. It is okay to move around until you find a group that fits.
The addict practices detachment from us through their drug of choice. We learn to detach from them in love by working our own 12 step program. I know it sounds strange to hear this right now, but it is like making a choice to get into one of the lifeboats from the Titanic. Nobody wins if there are no surviviors!
Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 83
Im so sorry you Mother has treated you in such a terrible way. I hope you are better today. My Mom would always say" Go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day and things will look better." And she was right. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
You did it once, you can do it again and go no contact. I'm so sorry you're hurting. You know the truth of things So don't allow yourself to question that truth.
Sweetie, I hope you have a circle of support surrounding you. If you dont, it's time to start going to Alanon or celebrate recovery because you do not have to do this alone. Please take care of yourself. I'll be praying for you -- hugs!
Sweetie, I hope you have a circle of support surrounding you. If you dont, it's time to start going to Alanon or celebrate recovery because you do not have to do this alone. Please take care of yourself. I'll be praying for you -- hugs!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hugs from me, too. It sounds like "no contact" was giving you a lot more peace in your life--you probably want to put that back in place. I get wanting to make your peace with her, but it doesn't sound like her condition will allow for that.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this sad situation.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this sad situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
thank you so much for all your kind words. it helped more than i can say to wake up to them. i want to answer you individually but today is much like yesterday. trying to breathe, to not chain smoke, to read my books about codependency and acoa, drink tea. but i've still been bursting into tears once an hour.
even managed to drag mr. seasaw into a fight which exausted us both and ruined our plans.
i've got to get to some meetings, is the lesson here. he says 'you know you're not broken right' and i can't answer.
SORRY FOR THE MOST EEYORE-ESQUE THREAD in the world. i have no one else to talk to right now. thank you very much for listening.
even managed to drag mr. seasaw into a fight which exausted us both and ruined our plans.
i've got to get to some meetings, is the lesson here. he says 'you know you're not broken right' and i can't answer.
SORRY FOR THE MOST EEYORE-ESQUE THREAD in the world. i have no one else to talk to right now. thank you very much for listening.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
It hurts so bad when these are supposed to be the people who love us and care for us throughout our ENTIRE lives! Only one or two people in our lives generally have that title- and it just feels like we are NOTHING to them!
Don't get me wrong- I'm grateful to be on this planet, but sometimes I do think some people should never have been allowed to take on the HUGE responsibilty of parenting! It's such an important job! It sounds like your mom really screwed that up for you and I'm sorry.
I deal with the same resent for my mom- although she is not an A-- she is insanely bi-polar or something (I don't know what- but it ain't normal
)
Just rest in the fact that she can't control your life anymore- you just go right ahead and put that block back up. Some people will never change. It's ok to accept that. I didn't say easy to accept it-- I said it's ok to accept it and then move on for good.
Hugs!!
Don't get me wrong- I'm grateful to be on this planet, but sometimes I do think some people should never have been allowed to take on the HUGE responsibilty of parenting! It's such an important job! It sounds like your mom really screwed that up for you and I'm sorry.
I deal with the same resent for my mom- although she is not an A-- she is insanely bi-polar or something (I don't know what- but it ain't normal
)Just rest in the fact that she can't control your life anymore- you just go right ahead and put that block back up. Some people will never change. It's ok to accept that. I didn't say easy to accept it-- I said it's ok to accept it and then move on for good.
Hugs!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
seesaw...I think you might be actually grieving....and, if that is true, crying once an hour is normal. Would you consider an individual therapist to help you process this grief and re-frame the relationship with your mother.....
My heart goes out to you...as I have felt the same way about some family members, and I know the depth of the pain. It IS possible to process through it and eventually come to a place of peace within yourself, though.
dandylion
My heart goes out to you...as I have felt the same way about some family members, and I know the depth of the pain. It IS possible to process through it and eventually come to a place of peace within yourself, though.
dandylion
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