normielovesACA

I've read many of the posts here trying to understand. I've been with my ACA boyfriend for 1.5 years only I didn't know he was until 3 months ago. He didn't talk about it, and now I realize he uses humor to hide his pain, so he didn't seem troubled. He seemed like a happy, successful, social guy who did think his dad was an a** hole. I didn't question it too much for a long time.

He's 36 and (until I started pushing him on where we're going over the last 3 months) our day-to-day relationship has been wonderful - common interests, values, sense of humor, never argued, physically intimate, great conversations, etc. Anyone who's known and seen us together tells me that he's so "in love" with me - it's so obvious by the way he looks at me and holds me.

But I remembered something about his dad drinking, so I inquired further. Now I get that he's never faced that he is an ACA (denial), nor does he understand its affects. He has spotty memories of his past or even of 6 months ago, he forgets a lot of stuff, he "doesn't love himself," he has trust issues, he has an over developed sense of responsibility for his family, he's very indecisive (even contradictory, including what he says about us), and his brother at 33 still lives with their mom.

He's generally been very happy when we're together. Yet, he's told me all along that he was holding back with us but recognized it so I have been patient. He's seen a therapist 3 times over the last month and is now detaching from me. WHY??? Now, we haven't been intimate in 5 weeks, he's saying that he doesn't know if he'll ever get married, and though he loves me and is in love with me, it doesn't "feel" strong enough to mean marriage and a life long commitment to him.

Last night I asked what he remembers about our relationship. He said it's been "amazing" ... but he is "depressed" and doesn't see a long-term future for us.

Do I just give up? I'm so confused.

Star Gazer

The most difficult part of being an ACA for me was getting help. I always thought,'Why bother? I don't have an addicition. It's my moms problem!'. I don't know what your boyfriend is going through but the beginnings of recovery and finding out what your problems are and why is very, very difficult. I had to confront issues such as co-dependancy, distrust, indeciviness (sp?), and over responsibilty. My perfect world as I knew it was turned upside down. I now saw that taking care of peoples problems, over acheiving at all costs, and being picky about my friends were not strengths, they were weaknesses and causing problems in my life. This really is a life changing journey your boyfriend embarked on.

My boyfried of 5 years is a recovering alcoholic (how very ACA of me! :tongue2: ) and really understands what I am going through. He was there when my mom still drank and during my recovery as an ACA. However, I did stop therapy when I was beginning to see that I have major co-depenency issues with him. I was not and still am not ready to confront these issues and it is making me really hold back in our relationship.

I wish I had an answer for you but all I can say is to take care of yourself and do what is best for you.

JT

normie...this may seem harsh but how are YOU? All you talked about in your post was him.

It sounds like you are involved with a person with issues and it also sounds like you are spending a lot of time trying to solve them or analyze them.

In 12 Step Programs we talk alot about "Keeping it Simple". Trying to overthink why they are the way they are is far too complicated. It pretty much comes down to the values they have and if that is what you want in your life. The rest is up to them.

Hugs,
JT

eveie

((((((((Normie))))))))) Hugs! I agree what the others say, what about YOU? It is hard, myself being ACA, and recently finding that out and what that all intails, (sp) and wow, stargazer, thanks!!! ((((STAR))) for you enlightening post!!! Cause I too have them qalities I thought were strengths, and now I see as weaknesses, wow, this forum will help you Normie, people here are loving and supportive, and there is a wide range of help RIGHT here! Hugs and prayers to you!

normielovesACA

You're right, I'm not focusing on my needs too much. I've been trying to be strong, supportive, and understanding. The reality is this is tearing me apart. The push/pull is confusing and destructive. Maybe we should take a break. I've been so happy over the last year with him and don't want to give up, but now that he's starting to deal with his issues instead of bringing us closer, he's detaching. I don't guess there's much I can do about it.

normielovesACA

So, in reading more of the posts, it seems that a lot of ACOAs that are talking about being married are women - who are not really in the position of making the decision on getting married - at least the initiating part. Those ACOA men who have commitment issues, don't like themselves, feel empty, have trust issues - the same ones that do the initiating, how often do they get over it and able to settle into a healthy, loving relationship? Is the consistency and lack of drama with a non-ACOA boring to ACOAs?

chess

Could someone eloborate on the push/pull pattern, please. I have heard others tell me that I do it but I'm not actually sure what it means in relationships.

Confused? I am

JT

Chess I am not familiar with what you are talking about but for normie...becoming addicted to drama was certainly one of my things. As time went on in my recovery when things settled down that is when I realized it. I joke now about Ward being in mortal danger because things are going too well...I have to MAKE myself leave it alone. When there is no drama I am risk of creating it.

But again, let me cation you to get you eyes off him and focus on yourself. You cannot change him...period.

Hugs,
JT

Gabe

The push/pull pattern...
Someone feels that another person is smothering them in some way. They ask for space, they push that person away. When that person backs off, the pusher suddenly feels abandoned and needy, even though they were the one who asked for space. They then pull the pushed person back to them.
Lots of Codies do the push/pull thing because they are enmeshed with their loved ones.

lynx

That is so true about drama. Unfortunately you get so used to things being crazy and dramatic all the time that you forget life isnt supposed to be like that! I still fall into that sometimes, not as often as I used too. It gets easier when you meet other people who are*normal* and dont cause dramas in your life every day!

bikewench

Normie...

I dont' want to take your inventory... but if your hooked on an emotionally unavailable man... you probably should take a long hard look at why...

The disease of Co-dependancy is expressed in many ways... and it would probably help alot to understand your own behavior as well as your significant others...

Peter

"Detaching" or "isolating" was one method I used to protect myself.It may not have been healthy but it was the only way I knew how to protect myself from getting hurt.

I craved intimacy and yet at the same time I pushed people away because of problems with trust and because I did not know how to open up about myself.

I was afraid to let people see the real me.

Recovery from ACA syndrome can be very painful and it might be possible that your boyfriend does not want you to see him vulnerable.You know him as a happy loving person but now he may be facing some painful issues that he is not willing to share.

Don't push him. Take care of yourself as best you can and let him know you are there for him.

granolaprincess

Stargazer -- thanks for the insight, I never even thought about how I pick my friends as a weakness! You are so right, I also do the over-achieving at all costs and have been compared to a football player because I don't let anything stop me from getting to a goal when I really want it (although most of the goals have not been healthy ones). I'm incredibly indecisive, and it didn't help when I was married to someone who made all of the decisions so I rarely decided anything. I was ready for a non-drama relationship when I met my current bf and was afraid that all of our ups and downs at the beginning were a sign of what was to be. Lo and behold he pushed me away as while we were making wedding plans claiming I had "issues" and he needed "space." And this was the exact same person who was telling me just the day before that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. Again, I've done the ACA thing and chosen an emotionally unavailable person to hook up with. What I don't get is why we don't have the objectivity needed to see these things. What are we missing or not looking for that healthy people see? What should have been huge warning lights to me were small little blips on my radar and should have been signs that I was on the same path I thought I had jumped off of after my divorce. I thought bf was healthy but I really twisted what I saw into a different picture of him and now have to readjust that perception.

What a long strange trip this is going to be. Self-discovery is always so interesting.

Star Gazer

For me, I have come to realize that it is easier to live in a chaotic world than to look hard for someone that is really good and healthy for me. It is hard to try new things and step outside of the box.

granolaprincess

I used to think that I was healthy and that I was ready for a healthy relationship. Now I'm starting to think that I don't know what a healthy relationship is and wondering what I would even do if one came my way. You're right -- it's a comfort level, the familiar, the known quantity. I think this time on my own is needed, and now all of a sudden I'm starting to make sense of some of my recent choices and how they relate to living in a chaotic world. Thank you very much again for your insight!!