The year of no emotions.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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The year of no emotions.
So this has been weighing on me a lot lately. One of my best friends and someone I have dated off and on is a recovering alcoholic. He has also been grieving a big loss in his family. The first 6 months of his recovery were pretty good! I think everyone days it's that pink cloud affect. After about 6 months, things got a little rough, mainly with mood swings, and definitely dealing with anger. Even when he was being an ass, he would still apologize, or tell me thanks for putting up with him, or he would tell me what was wrong. But then one day he picked a fight with me and it got pretty ugly. It lasted for 3 months and I feel like after that fight things were never the same. I got blamed for the fight and I was the only one who apologized. I'm not holding resentments about that ordeal but to be honest, it made me a little afraid of him. No physical abuse or anything like that but it was definitely heavy on manipulation. Not only have things not been the same between us, I feel like he has just shut down. I feel like he's just turned his emotions off when it comes to greiving this loss and communicating with his family. There's an anniversary coming up and I'm almost a little afraid to a knowledge it because I can no longer read his emotions and don't know how he will take it. Years past he would be glad I remember it. Anybody else ever deal with an RA having no emotions?
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They all have emotions, but they are blunted and warped. It really sounds like he has or is on the verge of relapse. The grief could have come back and he couldn't handle it. The picking a fight to push people closesest to them away is classic. They don't like accountability. It will be hard, but simply listen and let him take the lead on the topic. Give him all of the space he wants, because if he has relapsed, it will only tear you apart. (((hugs)))
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Yes, I feel that my RAH has an emotional immaturity best further stated as very difficult time recognizing and processing emotions/stress/daily life.
Alexithymia and Alcoholism and Addiction. | Inside the alcoholic brain
But recovery is a very long road. It took my H a long time to learn to watch TV for entertainment. He just started reading for fun this last fall. Sometimes he tries to discuss emotions, but he's just discussing things and not how he feels about them. We have argued over my inability to recognize that he can't really tell me how he feels. When he expresses his emotions it is more of an account of what happened and not a statement of actual feeling. He is 22 mo sober.
I've realized part of my role in our relationship was to express emotions and he just sort of quietly went along with how I felt. Piecing out his own emotions and expressing them has been difficult. I've had to back off. I've had to stop putting my guesstimate of his issues out there. He gets frustrated at me for not inserting how he feels. He gets ticked when I ask him how x makes him feel because he has no real idea how to express it.
But what was an emotional regulating problem before he choose alcohol and what can be post drinking damage? Hard to say. He does a lot right in his recovery, but I think hardcore AA would call him a dry drunk at times. Perhaps having fellowship and finishing the 12 steps would have sped up opportunity to practice and learn some emotional assessment and expression. My H has NO friends closeby. No one to get coffee with, no one to run or work on cars, or watch sports. He is always alone, at work, or with me and DS. So when the marital counselor said, I think you think there's something wrong with H I wanted to smack him for acting like no emotional expression, no intimacy and no friends is somehow normal!
And just when I think I am seeing the situation correctly, it came out my H has cut severely back on smoking. He has gone from 2+ packs a day to a half pack. I don't smoke, but that puts a lot of irritable behavior in a new focus... This came out in marriage counseling session. I wish he could have told me, hey, I'm cutting back and I feel frazzled and edgy.
It is a tangle. Who knows what is what until time - a lot of time - passes.
Alexithymia and Alcoholism and Addiction. | Inside the alcoholic brain
But recovery is a very long road. It took my H a long time to learn to watch TV for entertainment. He just started reading for fun this last fall. Sometimes he tries to discuss emotions, but he's just discussing things and not how he feels about them. We have argued over my inability to recognize that he can't really tell me how he feels. When he expresses his emotions it is more of an account of what happened and not a statement of actual feeling. He is 22 mo sober.
I've realized part of my role in our relationship was to express emotions and he just sort of quietly went along with how I felt. Piecing out his own emotions and expressing them has been difficult. I've had to back off. I've had to stop putting my guesstimate of his issues out there. He gets frustrated at me for not inserting how he feels. He gets ticked when I ask him how x makes him feel because he has no real idea how to express it.
But what was an emotional regulating problem before he choose alcohol and what can be post drinking damage? Hard to say. He does a lot right in his recovery, but I think hardcore AA would call him a dry drunk at times. Perhaps having fellowship and finishing the 12 steps would have sped up opportunity to practice and learn some emotional assessment and expression. My H has NO friends closeby. No one to get coffee with, no one to run or work on cars, or watch sports. He is always alone, at work, or with me and DS. So when the marital counselor said, I think you think there's something wrong with H I wanted to smack him for acting like no emotional expression, no intimacy and no friends is somehow normal!
And just when I think I am seeing the situation correctly, it came out my H has cut severely back on smoking. He has gone from 2+ packs a day to a half pack. I don't smoke, but that puts a lot of irritable behavior in a new focus... This came out in marriage counseling session. I wish he could have told me, hey, I'm cutting back and I feel frazzled and edgy.
It is a tangle. Who knows what is what until time - a lot of time - passes.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Thank you both for replying, I appreciate it a lot.
I'm not concerned that he is going to relapse but I am worried (and have been!) that he's not really working the program and that he's not letting himself grieve the loss. Like I said, I feel like he has shut down.
He never responded to me this morning (today is the anniversary I was talking about) so I sent him yet another message just telling him that he is a good friend and I was thinking of the family today. To be honest, it hurts that he hasn't responded but like one of you said -- they pick fights to push away the people closest to them. He has even TOLD ME that's what he does. And even though this same situation happened last year and it was all eventually ok, it is still hard for me to understand and deal with.
I'll just pray for him and know that as a friend, I did the right thing by being there for him. I don't regret being nice. Maybe I'll make it to Al-anon tomorrow...
I'm not concerned that he is going to relapse but I am worried (and have been!) that he's not really working the program and that he's not letting himself grieve the loss. Like I said, I feel like he has shut down.
He never responded to me this morning (today is the anniversary I was talking about) so I sent him yet another message just telling him that he is a good friend and I was thinking of the family today. To be honest, it hurts that he hasn't responded but like one of you said -- they pick fights to push away the people closest to them. He has even TOLD ME that's what he does. And even though this same situation happened last year and it was all eventually ok, it is still hard for me to understand and deal with.
I'll just pray for him and know that as a friend, I did the right thing by being there for him. I don't regret being nice. Maybe I'll make it to Al-anon tomorrow...
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