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I am the only one who seems to think my son has a drinking problem....



I am the only one who seems to think my son has a drinking problem....

Old 02-14-2015, 03:45 PM
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I am the only one who seems to think my son has a drinking problem....

I have been seeing a therapist for 2 weeks now. I told him about my son and how since his gf turned 21 in December he has been drinking a case of light beer every day of the weekend (Friday, Saturday and Sunday). So that is 24 cans each day. Today he seemed to space them out. He hides them from me but I know what is going on with his trips to her car.....

I have talked to my parents and my husband about it. They tell me to back off of my son, don't bring up the drinking, let it go and he will grow out of it.... He is 20.... He has been drinking since high school on and off. Last summer was really bad with the hard liquor so now it seems like he has cut back to light beer (4.2% alcohol in a can).

I told the therapist how I seem to be the only one who is concerned... He said to me... If someone drank 24 cans of soda in a day or 24 glasses of milk, do you think that is alarming? DO you think there is a problem? I said yes!

Everytime I approach my son about his drinking he gets angry and curses me. I feel like I push him more to drink. I want to ask him the question my therapist asked me about the number of cans? I want to ask the girlfriend if she is not concerned?? Do you think I should email her or call her on MOnday when she is not with him? I wanted to post it on my facebook and say "SO if someone you knew drank 24 cans of soda/beer in a days time, would you be concerned?" Not sure how it would go over...

My dad tells me to stop harping on my son. He is young and this is what they do. My therapist said when he was 20 he drank alot too but was in the army. My son's grades in college are great. Just hate this every weekend.

10 months until he moves out west!!!! Yeh! I will still be a mess with worry though!
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Old 02-14-2015, 04:18 PM
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I have no experience in this area but as a mother my heart hurts for you. I myself fear my two daughters will follow in my husband's footsteps.

Take care.
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Old 02-14-2015, 04:28 PM
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Hummingbird,

I would be very concerned too. That's a lot of beer. Perhaps with the lesser alcohol content, he is able to function, drinking pretty much two beers an hour, if he's up for 12 hours.
I do know that arguing over it will only probably make him feel entitled to drink more... that seems to happen if I argue with my son about his drinking. There isn't much you can do, unless you make him leave your home. Letting him know how you feel isn't wrong, said calmly and with love, maybe when he isn't drinking.

I am sorry , as I know how it breaks our hearts when our children, grown or not, are abusing themselves in some way.

I wish you and him the best. Al-anon is great, at helping us work through the pain, to healing and peace about what our part is in the whole thing.

hugs
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Old 02-14-2015, 05:10 PM
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He's only 20--not even legal to drink. Why do you allow him to do it in your home? It's YOUR home!! I don't care who buys it for him. If you don't like it, don't allow it in your home.

The only thing you could do regarding the girlfriend is to tell her you won't allow her to bring alcohol she's purchased into your home. And you should tell her that very clearly to her face, then stay strong.
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Old 02-14-2015, 05:37 PM
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He drinks in our home because my husband feels he doesn't have a problem and it is better for him to drink here that somewhere else. I disagree but this is how it always has been.
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Old 02-14-2015, 06:18 PM
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The fact that he gets angry when you talk to him tells me he knows he needs the alcohol, and he doesn't want you to come between him and his drinking. I agree his intake and history is problematical.

At 20 he might progress to alcoholism, or he might decide on his own to moderate or stop. My own son binge drank in his early 20s, but calmed down with maturity. I still watch him though; can't help it.

There is nothing you can do to force him to stop. When they get to that age, especially boys, you have to take a step back, zip your mouth and cross your fingers because they will feel a need to defy you. You can actually become counterproductive, and you will drive him underground (all the above assumes he's not driving drunk or putting himself into danger).

When he moves away he will have his own freedom to make drinking decisions without feeling he's giving in. I hope he comes to the right conclusions, based on a good upbringing and family sense of values.
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Old 02-14-2015, 07:20 PM
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I'd leave his girlfriend out of it. It isn't her JOB to keep track of his drinking. What I think I WOULD do, though, is to tell her you're concerned about some of what you've seen/heard, with her crying and so forth, and tell her that she should feel free to come to you if she ever needs help. She might not now, but based on what you've posted before, if she stays with him she is likely to need help at some point.

What you've posted before about his behavior I find VERY alarming. Just because others are bent on enabling him doesn't mean you have to. You can stop rescuing him and work on detaching. Are you going to Al-Anon?
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Old 02-15-2015, 02:48 AM
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yes, I went 2 weeks ago to the first meeting. Last week my dad went in the hospital and when he had gotten out he has asked us to go out to dinner with him and it was the night of alalnon. I plan on going this week.
When you say "detach" what do you mean? I have been trying.

Last night it was horrible here with a snow storm and wind blowing horrible with white out conditions. I had heard them and she kept saying no and soon he was out with his hat and shoes on. I told him he better not be planning on going anywhere because it ws so dangerous outside. Then shortly she came out pissed off and walked out. He was ready to follow and I said to him "Really? You are making her get you booze? It is dangerous outside" He replied "Oh yes, you will assume." Then he shakes his head and slams the door. Husband was sitting on his recliner of course and never said one word! After my son left I told him "AGAIN! I am the only one that speaks up and gets no where!"
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Old 02-15-2015, 05:09 AM
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A case a day is a LOT of beer, especially at 20. Perhaps more telling, though, is his reaction when the subject is raised. However, other than telling him that you are concerned and how it may impact his life, these are not your choices or consequences. I was drinking in a similar fashion minus the great grades in college at his age, despite the fact that my mother was an alcoholic. I refused to acknowledge the connection between my drinking and the possible outcome (which I abhorred). It took me another 20 years to surrender, during which my mother got sicker and ultimately had to be removed from life support. I kept drinking for another decade after that.

The sad truth is this: You cannot make someone else "get it." He will have to learn this in his own way on his own timeframe.
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Old 02-15-2015, 05:11 AM
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OK, what I mean by "detaching" is not saying things like, "Really? You are making her get you booze? It is dangerous outside." You didn't have to say anything about alcohol. If you felt you had to say something about the weather conditions, you could have just reminded him that it's dangerous outside and that it probably isn't a good idea to be driving.

"Detaching" means doing your best not to allow his behavior to affect your moods and actions.

Your biggest obstacle in all this is your husband. It's very difficult to set firm boundaries when the two of you are not on the same page. Have you discussed what will happen when he graduates? If I recall correctly, he graduates this year. Will he be expected to move out as soon as he's employed? I think the sooner you get this craziness out of your house the better off you will be.

Keep going to Al-Anon.
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Old 02-15-2015, 05:22 AM
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hummingbird...the reason they are doing this stuff in your home is because they CAN.

I think that for a parent...the first thing to detach from is the feeling that you are RESPONSIBLE for him....and, the idea that you can CONTROL him. The independence/dependence passage is difficult for parents as much as it is for kids.

The fact that you and your husband are divided provides fertile ground that he can exploit to the hilt. don't think that he is not keenly aware of this.

I hope that you are getting some help for this situation, because, if not...you can drive yourself absolutely crazy from the worry and stress (and it still won't help him one bit).

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(I am speaking from experience, here)
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Old 02-15-2015, 05:32 AM
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hummingbird...I am sorry...I just re=read this post and I see that you are seeing a therapist for two weeks. That is a good starting point...as I suspect that the emotional fallout for you is tremendous.
I have no idea what the background of this therapist is as to how much he/she is experienced in addictions and family dynamics.

I truly believe that a support group (in addition to your therapist) is very desirable for you. Other parents and alcoholics who have walked this road before you.
this is more of a marathon than a sprint....
There are some good books on this subject (for parents), also. If you are interested in some of them, let me know...

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Old 02-15-2015, 06:12 AM
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keep going to therapist and Al Anon Hummingbird.

Why is H the way he is? Is your marriage OK other than issues with son? How is your daughter in this? Is the drama at home taking a toll on her? You don't have to answer this, but there are ways relationships get impacted. Look up Karpman Drama Triangles... It might help you see that everyone is playing roles and even switching roles depending on what is happening.
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Old 02-15-2015, 06:53 AM
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A couple of things. You said he's moving out West in 10 months, so that's a good thing--at least you won't have this insanity in your home every weekend.

The other thing is that I just noticed what you said in your OP about posting about it on FB. Bad idea, IMO. It's not your job to shame him by publicizing it on FB, and it is likely to create huge resentments, as well as doing no good (and possibly making things worse). It's different to post about it here--we don't know him and can't judge him--but other people will. If he continues as he has been he will have consequences soon enough.
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Old 02-15-2015, 07:31 AM
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Thank you all for your advice. My marriage is not good. I feel we have been split awhile now because my H has never stuck up for me with regards to my son. It has always been me and now I feel like the failure here. Whenever I would complain to him about how my son talks to me, etc. my H would say "it is your job to handle this, you need to be stronger". I have never been a "strong" person. I have tried to stand up for myself with my son and I get NO where. He constantly twists things around and manipulates me. For example, most of you are aware of my past posts about when he drove his car and did damage. The one time he went a back road and yes I am sure he had alcohol in him. He said a tree branch fell on his windshield and it startled him so he swerved and went off the road. My dad paid about $3000 to fix his car. Then he drove off the back road again 2 weeks ago in a snow/ice storm going for booze. (He denies it but I checked his phone records and seen he called the place that sells it). His car ended up being totaled due to the damage of the bottom and the engine over heating. Now he is left with a small amount for a new car with what the insurance gave him... My dad was looking for a car for him and wanted to add $ to it so my son will have a decent car. I said NO! He has to deal with what he can get. I know he won't be careful, he has NO clue how much this is costing us. So after last night and him having the gf go out in that storm for booze, my husband finally told my dad as well he can not spend more than the insurance check. We told my son this morning that his car will no longer be an AWD and that it will be what ever the Insurance $ can get him. He was not too happy so I said "Hey, maybe you could get a job on the weekends and put $ towards it so you would be able to buy an AWD one?" THis is where I get the twist.... He says "Oh, so taking 21 credits this semester isn't good enough for you?" ( He has 18 at the moment and is adding a language class next week so he is more marketable out west)
I want to say "Maybe if you gave up booze and weed, your acid reflux, depression, anxiety would clear up???" Yes, I am looking forward to him leaving. Breaks my heart feeling like this but I can't take him. I will worry even more that he is half way across the country but I have to LET GO!
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Old 02-15-2015, 07:38 AM
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I think that you are doing the best you can to stand up to this BS, with incredible odds stacked against you.

Your husband is wrong. You are strong, but I can feel your frustration like you are banging your head against a brick wall. Your husband seems clueless.

20 years old and drinking 3 cases of beer a week is a horrible start to his adulthood. He is manipulating you and his girlfriend. Don't be surprised if she dumps him soon, it sounds like he is making her miserable.

This is more than college drinking and partying, he is self-destructing in front of your eyes and as a caring mom, it is very hard to watch.

I hope you feel better today and you are ok.
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Old 02-15-2015, 08:28 AM
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Good Morning Hummingbird,

I just wrote a long reply, but had to delete it after I read your most recent post.

You've clearly got two problems that you're trying to deal with. 1) Your son's addiction, and 2) Your family's attitude toward it. Forget what's happening outside with the weather. You've got the perfect storm happening inside your house!

My hunch is that you're going to have to learn to be very clear and concise with how you communicate to both your son and your family. Being sure to use only "I statements", stuff like that. I'm sure your therapist has talked to you about this. Detach, Detach, Detach. Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries. When I first started learning better communication techniques I started seeing an improvement in my own situation. It didn't keep my STBXAH from drinking, but it kept the chaos down, and therefore allowed me to make calmer choices.

It's great that you have a therapist, and even better that you've decide to go to Alanon. You need to be around people that can support you. Especially since you're not getting that support at home.

(((((((( hugs )))))))))
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Old 02-15-2015, 09:22 AM
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Wow.

To his credit 21 hours a semester is A LOT of school. If he is making decent grades, that is a plus.

However, why is a 20 year old young man living with his parents and disrespecting his mother in her home? That is not good. If he is leaving this summer, then his daily antics will no longer be waved around in front of you. Can you detach until he leaves? Can he be out sooner? You can no more control your father's and husband's interaction with their grandchild/son then you can control your adult son. I would keep reminding yourself of the serenity prayer.
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Old 02-15-2015, 10:07 AM
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I've talked to you in the past about your son's weed problem, and I'm sorry his situation seems to be going south with this mess.

I'm almost more concerned with the warped view of the world your husband and parents seem to have. They'll probably continue to enable him unless it changes.

"this is what young people do"

Are you kidding me? That's absolutely insane. I'm pretty much your son's age as you know, and all of my peers would be labeling someone drinking 24 beers at their mom's house three days a week as an alcoholic. He'd be raising eyebrows if he was drinking that much at a party. Let me be loud and clear that this isn't what young people do.

I'm truly sorry. I don't feel like there's much advice I can give with this situation though, as alcoholism is moving a bit beyond my experience.
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Old 02-16-2015, 09:06 AM
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Personally I would think are there consequences along with drinking a lot of alcohol. Is he able to function. Does he do other things other than drink beer on the weekend. If nothing else is getting done that's a consequence.

Right now he's young, probably in the early stages of something. As his body ages or is progressively trashed it will catch up to him. I've seen the consequences of those that started drinking/partying in their teens. A couple of decades later they are still acting like a teenager. Maturity stops at the age when heavy drug or alcohol use started.

Also saw several articles over the last year on binge drinking. The numerical threshold is lower than you would think.

Binge Drinking Isn?t Just for College Kids Anymore - Bloomberg Business

Opinion, your reaction sounds correct. 24 is a lot of anything.

Good Luck
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