Serenidad

Hi again,

Sorry...this is my 2nd post today. I'm having trouble & I need advice. I'm currently going to AA meetings. I got sponsor a few days ago that I think is a nice person but I am already overwhelmed. She wants me to call her AT LEAST once per day to talk for a while, go to 1-2 meetings every single day, she gave me 16 pages of homework that she wants done ASAP, she wants me to call several people every day, she basically wants my entire life to revolve around AA.

I realize that I am an alcoholic and need help, but I have kids, a husband, responsibilities etc. I didn't even drink every day. Not even every other day. (I realize those are all "yets") And now she wants me to make AA a full time job? I find this to be the case with most sponsors I have encountered.

Tonight I told her I was going out to dinner with my husband tomorrow night for Valentines Day and she told me it was more important for me to meet another alcoholic at a meeting and skip dinner with my husband.

Every time I get a sponsor I screw up! I just sabotage it. I think it's because I don't want someone telling me what to do every second of my life. I'm not getting sober to LIVE, EAT and BREATHE AA! Is there no happy medium? Should I just go to meetings and not get a sponsor? What do I do??? Maybe AA just isn't the right fit for me....

So confused!!!

strategery

Serenidad, you need to work the program the way it works well for you. Do not let yourself be pushed around. If you want to go out to dinner, by all means, go out to dinner with your husband. If that means she cannot be your sponsor, that is fine, but you need to do what works for you to keep yourself sober. I think you should put limits on how much AA stuff you do. You should be able to set healthy boundaries, including AA.

ScottFromWI

First take a deep breath and relax. You aren't going to solve all this in one day. Second,
A sponsors job is to help you work the steps and mentor when necessary, not set your entire daily schedule. Have you spoken to her about how you feel about all this? Maybe you need to find a different one, but take a breather and just talk first.

Zebra1275

I am a member of AA and have a sponsor. What works for me is that he gives me space. He helped me through the steps, introduced me to some meetings he thought were a good fit for for me and we went to some meetings together early in my sobriety. Now we see each other about once a week at a meeting we both always attend, and about once a month we go out for breakfast. In between we might text each other.

Now I've got a few sober years under my belt, so the urgency to learn the program and work the steps is not there. But I could not handle a sponsor like you describe.

Don't give up an AA, but do consider getting a different sponsor. A lot of time around here, a sponsor will be a temporary sponsor and after a period of time if it seems to be a match, it becomes permanent.

Tonight I told her I was going out to dinner with my husband tomorrow night for Valentines Day and she told me it was more important for me to meet another alcoholic at a meeting and skip dinner with my husband.

She is way off base on this suggestion in my opinion.

Hawks

My experience has been some good news and some bad news for you Serenidad.

That's how I am sponsored, I call him twice a day and I call 3 other guys once a day.

I was given pages of homework too.I just did it.

I've gone through the steps in 6 months. Now locked into 10,11,12.

I have a full time job, married with 4 kids aged between 3 and 10.

I'd really had enough of constant relapse and the associated crap.

For all the times you have started threads about how desperate you are to stop drinking and get well, I thought you might be past the point of arguing and insisting that you can do it your way.

Maybe you haven't reached that "surrender " point yet, seems not

Good news is, if you want to get well and recover from alcoholism, it worked for me and I have seen it work for dozens of others.

It's a lot of intense work at first and it's a bit humiliating to just subject yourself to someone else, but it doesn't last and the results are worth it.

SereneEdition

I'm not in AA, but I know that I had to live, eat, and breath my plan to get sober. Putting my sobriety #1 was the only thing that worked for me, after years of trying and failing.

Perhaps look at what is keeping you from being able to throw yourself 100% into your recovery to find a way so that you can focus your energy on it.

You may want to ask your sponsors why they are taking this approach with you. Their goal, after all is to help you stay sober. Sharing that you're feeling overwhelmed and that it is adding stress will help your sponsor taylor for you.

mfanch

I really had to just shut up and do it in the beginning. I knew I would not get better doing it my way. My way is what got me to AA. The work is very intense in the beginning, but temporary. Today I don't go to 1-2 meetings per day, more like 2-3/week. I sponsor other women and I ask that we talk daily. I also suggest meetings and step-work.

I also think that most tend to underestimate alcoholism. How bad it is and how much it can hurt us. This is a progressive and fatal illness. It wants us dead.

If AA is your route, their literature says that if you are willing to go to any lengths for sobriety, then you are ready for steps. So are you willing?

Glad you are here.

deadlydame

I go to AA and have a sponsor who lets me breathe. I don't do well with the "do this, do that, now, here, shut up, put the cotton in your mouth blah blah..." I find the answer of your sponsor a bit strict if you ask me. it is valentine's day. isn't there another meeting you can go to during the day and still go to dinner with your husband?

tommyinphilly

AA won't always be the most important part of every day. You'll know when you are able to take a step back. If you really want to stay sober and your ways didn't work in the past, why not try your sponsor's advice. Can you make a meeting before dinner?

Mountainmanbob

seen and had many sponsors in my years in AA
regarding this lady there is only one thing to say
when it comes to marriage, she knows not night from day

Mountainmanbob

Johnston

Go with your gut. This sponsor person has control issues IMO.

PurpleKnight

It's a tough one, I personally don't have a sponsor, but those that do, and some that have already replied that do, what seems to me to be quite an intense program of activities does work for some people, so I can't knock the methodology because it can be successful in maintaining Sobriety.

I guess it comes down to how much of an intense plan do you need Serenidad? it's been a long time coming trying to get you to over a week, maybe something this streamlined may be worth while looking into, or at least some of it!!

bunnezjp

Hi Serenidad, I haven't posted to you in awhile, but this post caught my eye. My personal advice is with the above posters; it's your recovery, and if living your life around AA will do it, then that's how you roll.

However, I'd truly hate for you to ultimately resent AA with every fiber of your being because it and your sponsor are now the sole focus of your life at the expense of your family, job and everything else you hold dear.

You will develop the wisdom to know what works. It takes time. Good luck.

Bunnez

Alwyshope12

I would not let one experience taint you on the program. There are so many good people there to connect with and share experience, strength and hope with. I'm on my second sponsor and have been in the program less than a month. My first one wanted to talk more about himself , and my second I get along with better.

There are so many good parts to the program, I would not throw it away because of one person. One of the key parts of AA is learning to process your emotions and express it properly.

Anna

Serenidad, I have said many times that balance in my life is what keeps me in recovery. I wanted a balance with recovery activities and other parts of my life because I knew that was what would work for me. You need to figure out what will work for you.

sugarbear1

if ya call, dial that number so you know it by heart and if and when ya need it, you can call easily.....

the rest, well, I take one through the steps first, then we study them, like the old timers....

tell your sponsor this is too much and if they give ya stuff about not willing to go to any lengths, then maybe find another sponsor

the willingness to go to any lengths pertains to working those steps

Hereandnow2

If you are really struggling to stay sober and are relapsing this may be what you need. My sponsor always says anything you put before your sobriety you can stand to lose. For the first 3 months I went to about five meetings a week then three and now one to two. I worked the steps, still am read the big book, call my sponsor every few days, used to be daily.
The question is: is what you are doing working? If it is you might not need this sponsor if not she might just save your life!

I'm only 8 mo sober but early on it makes sense to basically make it your life.

Carlotta

I probably should keep my mouth shut since you have been struggling an awful lot and I could be feeding your AV but I really think that it is way too much and that she is overbearing.
Anyway, I am waiting now for the other shoe to drop, resentment to set in and the relapse and the I hate AA speech which always follows.

I am with Sugarbear, tell her comely that this is way too much and set some boundaries with her. What I have noticed with you is that you allow people to push you around and it builds up then you get a resentment and act out in a self destructive way.

Is she putting you through the steps yet? Because the steps are the program not doing half a dozen meetings a day.
I hope you enjoy the Valentine's day diner with your husband. We get sober to enjoy life and partake in normal activities not to get trapped in prisons of our own making.

Ps: Why did you chose her in the first place? Does she have something you want like inner peace, a content balanced life? >not talking about money or fast cars here<.

sugarbear1

steps 4 and 8 require writing, the others don't

call someone else in your network or start one, it always helps me and them when I do this.

sending love and hugs to you

immri

Well I wouldn't just abandon AA because of one person...there's huuuge variety in sponsors so just find a different one?
I personally couldn't handle that either, I had to find a sponsor who I really 'got' and liked because then I find Im much more likely to do whatever she says. I just call my sponsor when I need (1st month sober too) but I did promise to go to my home group every week which she also attends, and a meeting 1-2 times a day depending on my work schedule, promised to do any reading she suggests and a gratitude list and 5 positive things every day. Also never refuse to share, be of service with dishes and chairs etc and help any new comers even though I feel too 'new' to be of use
To me that's a good balance of not feeling too overwhelmed or pressured and still having responsibilities and plenty to work on
Maybe you could think about not only what you want out of a sponsor, but what you honestly need, and go from there?