In too deep?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
In too deep?
I have tried to get sober for two years now. I was sober for nine months, drank for two weekends, and now I am 5 months sober. I have a sponsor, a counselor, and a doctor. I work on myself and I am currently pursuing a professional degree. I have two other degrees. Things are relatively stable in my daily life because all I do is class, reading, writing and recovery. However...
I got involved romantically with someone who was a year and a half sober. I was about three months sober at the time. We got together, broke it off, but somehow got back together and became very close. We had a good six months or so of being sober together.
I moved for school. She stayed in the town we were both in. 2 hours apart. When I drank she got upset with me. I told her I wanted the relationship to be over. Well she drank and I was getting sober again. We talked and she said she had to let me go. That was fine with me. I didn't contact her at all for a month. Then one night she calls a bunch of times and I don't answer because she is drunk. She calls and says she is going crazy. We meet up and get back together. We have been together and she is a drunk. I hate seeing her drink and I have never felt this bad before. I think this feels worse than my own alcoholism. I don't know what to do. Advice?
I got involved romantically with someone who was a year and a half sober. I was about three months sober at the time. We got together, broke it off, but somehow got back together and became very close. We had a good six months or so of being sober together.
I moved for school. She stayed in the town we were both in. 2 hours apart. When I drank she got upset with me. I told her I wanted the relationship to be over. Well she drank and I was getting sober again. We talked and she said she had to let me go. That was fine with me. I didn't contact her at all for a month. Then one night she calls a bunch of times and I don't answer because she is drunk. She calls and says she is going crazy. We meet up and get back together. We have been together and she is a drunk. I hate seeing her drink and I have never felt this bad before. I think this feels worse than my own alcoholism. I don't know what to do. Advice?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Sorry.... not much wisdom in my advice, but I have heard others talk about going from alcoholism to codependency.
And I think it's probably best for both people to get a good handle on being sober and working recovery before being able to have a solid relationship....
Others here will have better and wiser advice than me; this is a good place to be..
And I think it's probably best for both people to get a good handle on being sober and working recovery before being able to have a solid relationship....
Others here will have better and wiser advice than me; this is a good place to be..
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
Hi Ach
Great to hear that you've been sober since the last relapse.
Your sobriety, as I have said to so many times to you my dear friend, always has to be your priority
Her drinking is not only making you unhappy, it is putting your sobriety at risk.
Look back at your past threads and you will see that is the case.
I would suggest you tell her that you cannot see her anymore until she has at least
six months to a year of solid sobriety and is working a program.
She knows how to get sober, but isn't choosing to do so.
As long as you keep letting her back into you life drinking,
you are giving her the message that this is OK.
It obviously isn't, so please look after yourself,
and perhaps she will choose to get sober and you
can rethink getting back together[only if she is clearly
working a program and is sober at least six months to a year].
You know this cannot work long-term and may send you back to drinking.
That isn't good for either you or her.
Hugs Ach and keep posting
Nice icon, by the way
Great to hear that you've been sober since the last relapse.
Your sobriety, as I have said to so many times to you my dear friend, always has to be your priority
Her drinking is not only making you unhappy, it is putting your sobriety at risk.
Look back at your past threads and you will see that is the case.
I would suggest you tell her that you cannot see her anymore until she has at least
six months to a year of solid sobriety and is working a program.
She knows how to get sober, but isn't choosing to do so.
As long as you keep letting her back into you life drinking,
you are giving her the message that this is OK.
It obviously isn't, so please look after yourself,
and perhaps she will choose to get sober and you
can rethink getting back together[only if she is clearly
working a program and is sober at least six months to a year].
You know this cannot work long-term and may send you back to drinking.
That isn't good for either you or her.
Hugs Ach and keep posting
Nice icon, by the way
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Acheleus....I hear that this is painful to you. I have heard other alcoholics say that the co-dependency is worse to deal with than alcoholism.
This is how I look at it...and I must say, that this is an "outsiders" view, as I am not alcoholic...but, I do know that sobriety has to be the first priority for both of you.
Sometimes, the right thing is also the hardest thing. We don't always get to keep the people that we love. For me, I have had to learn to love from a distance.
I wouldn't expect her to "get" it under her present condition. It may have to be enough for you to "get" it, though.
Sorry.
dandylion
This is how I look at it...and I must say, that this is an "outsiders" view, as I am not alcoholic...but, I do know that sobriety has to be the first priority for both of you.
Sometimes, the right thing is also the hardest thing. We don't always get to keep the people that we love. For me, I have had to learn to love from a distance.
I wouldn't expect her to "get" it under her present condition. It may have to be enough for you to "get" it, though.
Sorry.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Acheleus, it is hard to resist the siren call of someone you really care about, even if that person has problems. However, along with your friend comes the whole alcoholic lifestyle, including the emotional lifestyle that goes with alcoholism.
I lived with an alcoholic husband for 20 years, and grew up in an alcoholic dysfunctional family. Now, two and a half years out of my marriage, I have worked hard to figure out what exactly was dysfunctional in the relationships I had, and what I was doing that played into that dysfunction. I wanted to own and change that behavior in myself. I am getting it now, and I am able to see and choose healthier relationships and behavior.
Yesterday, I got an email from my former spouse (who is not drinking much anymore) and it was filled with the same bitterness, blame, denial and anger that I had lived with so long. It was like a sudden bird'seye peek into my past, and the contrast with my present is huge. For me, to fully recover, I had to remove myself from permanently from that relationship. That was the only way I could get any perspective on how unhealthy it actually was. And I needed to see that before I could begin to figure out what a healthy relationship is.
In my two and a half years alone, I have been faced with myself, front and center. There has been no destructive relationship to obscure my own behavior choices. It took that for me to honestly see what my knee jerk reactions were and to choose healthier behaviors. It has been a godsend.
Not to say that it wasn't painful - it was. I truly loved my husband, and I missed the good parts, of which there were many. I felt a huge loss, and I had many regrets about my choice to leave. But the devastation to me in that marriage was insurmountable, and I could no longer stay and hope to survive.
So, in the end, leaving has been a gift to me. I am genuinely happy now, and free. The people in my life love me, and while none of us are perfect, there is little conflict and many reasonable paths to resolving differences. I am not trying to live anyone else's life anymore, and I am not dragged away from the fullness of my own life by someone else's chosen dysfunction.
I'd say give yourself a year apart from her and focus on your sobriety and your growth. Let her take responsibility, or not, for herself and see where you both are in a year.
ShootingStar1
I lived with an alcoholic husband for 20 years, and grew up in an alcoholic dysfunctional family. Now, two and a half years out of my marriage, I have worked hard to figure out what exactly was dysfunctional in the relationships I had, and what I was doing that played into that dysfunction. I wanted to own and change that behavior in myself. I am getting it now, and I am able to see and choose healthier relationships and behavior.
Yesterday, I got an email from my former spouse (who is not drinking much anymore) and it was filled with the same bitterness, blame, denial and anger that I had lived with so long. It was like a sudden bird'seye peek into my past, and the contrast with my present is huge. For me, to fully recover, I had to remove myself from permanently from that relationship. That was the only way I could get any perspective on how unhealthy it actually was. And I needed to see that before I could begin to figure out what a healthy relationship is.
In my two and a half years alone, I have been faced with myself, front and center. There has been no destructive relationship to obscure my own behavior choices. It took that for me to honestly see what my knee jerk reactions were and to choose healthier behaviors. It has been a godsend.
Not to say that it wasn't painful - it was. I truly loved my husband, and I missed the good parts, of which there were many. I felt a huge loss, and I had many regrets about my choice to leave. But the devastation to me in that marriage was insurmountable, and I could no longer stay and hope to survive.
So, in the end, leaving has been a gift to me. I am genuinely happy now, and free. The people in my life love me, and while none of us are perfect, there is little conflict and many reasonable paths to resolving differences. I am not trying to live anyone else's life anymore, and I am not dragged away from the fullness of my own life by someone else's chosen dysfunction.
I'd say give yourself a year apart from her and focus on your sobriety and your growth. Let her take responsibility, or not, for herself and see where you both are in a year.
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
Been going to meetings every day. Just talked to my sponsor. I feel responsible for her drinking. It hurts me so much to see her hurt herself. I genuinely love her and care about her well being. She is a wonderful person.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It is possible to genuinely love and care for someone while still acknowledging their right to their own choices. Unfortunately it does not make it hurt any less. I'm sorry she is choosing these things, Acheleus, but no one is responsible for her drinking except her.
Sending you strength and courage and many hugs.
Sending you strength and courage and many hugs.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Acheleus,
Was anyone "responsible" for YOUR drinking? If you're working an honest program, I would hope the answer is no.
She's been in recovery--it isn't as if she doesn't know where to go for help.
This relationship, though, does not sound healthy for either one of you right now. Your own sobriety is paramount--it's the only sobriety you ARE responsible for. It's the only sobriety you can do anything about. Protect it at all costs.
It may be time to give her the privilege of letting her go.
Was anyone "responsible" for YOUR drinking? If you're working an honest program, I would hope the answer is no.
She's been in recovery--it isn't as if she doesn't know where to go for help.
This relationship, though, does not sound healthy for either one of you right now. Your own sobriety is paramount--it's the only sobriety you ARE responsible for. It's the only sobriety you can do anything about. Protect it at all costs.
It may be time to give her the privilege of letting her go.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
You might get a copy of Melody Beattie's book CoDependent No More and take a serious look at it.
I think many of us here on Friends and Families of Alcoholics feel or have felt responsible for our loved one's drinking. But that isn't true. Each person has the right to make their own choices; we can't choose for anyone else.
The watchword here is:
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it; and
You can't cure it.
To me, it seems that there are similarities in the journey to give up alcohol and the journey to give up unhealthy relationships with alcoholics and addiction. Both lead us to focus on ourselves, solely on our own lives and what we want to become and what we want to accomplish. It is a question of finding our own identities.
When we do that, then we know we can enter into a healthier relationship with another healthy person.
I fear that you will distract yourselves from your own top priority - your sobriety.
ShootingStar1
I think many of us here on Friends and Families of Alcoholics feel or have felt responsible for our loved one's drinking. But that isn't true. Each person has the right to make their own choices; we can't choose for anyone else.
The watchword here is:
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it; and
You can't cure it.
To me, it seems that there are similarities in the journey to give up alcohol and the journey to give up unhealthy relationships with alcoholics and addiction. Both lead us to focus on ourselves, solely on our own lives and what we want to become and what we want to accomplish. It is a question of finding our own identities.
When we do that, then we know we can enter into a healthier relationship with another healthy person.
I fear that you will distract yourselves from your own top priority - your sobriety.
ShootingStar1
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I was married when I sobered up. Looking back through a 5 year window of sobriety I had no business being in a relationship of any kind. I couldn't take care of myself let alone a wife. 5 years latter we are happily married but it was not easy and she didn't have a drinking problem.
Although my situation had a happy ending I believe relationships take a very difficult time and put it on steroids.
If I were in your shoes I would work 100% on keeping myself sober and let her find recovery or not.
If you two are meant to be together it will happen when you are both solidly sober not before.
Although my situation had a happy ending I believe relationships take a very difficult time and put it on steroids.
If I were in your shoes I would work 100% on keeping myself sober and let her find recovery or not.
If you two are meant to be together it will happen when you are both solidly sober not before.
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