Briar

And it wasn't better.

I tried, I really did. I went to the meetings, I worked with the therapist, I read the books, I lived on SR, I practiced AVRT, I sat with pain, I talked to people, I took the meds, I screamed and kicked the tires of my car.

But I lost it. That last month before I bombed out was really hard, but I still had the conviction, the determination. I still put up a fight.

Then it's like one day I just went blind. In a snap. And it was gone.

Now I don't know where to start. I'm so discouraged. I did exactly as I was told, I wanted it, but I still ended up back here. I'm reluctant to start again because I know where it led, and I don't understand what I'm supposed to do differently, and being sober feels like razor blades.

People tell me to just stop and wait, get some sober time under my belt, do all the stuff, it will all come together. Have faith. But I don't.

I don't think you guys are wrong, I just don't think I'm built for it.

strategery

Briar-one of the things that really strikes me about your posts is that you haven't found a good way to deal with things. You had made a mention of a jenga puzzle in another thread. You could see that things were adding on top of each other and you eventually just lost it.
What exactly is leading up to that point? Is there any way you can get rid of those emotions in a healthy manner? Until you address some of these underlying issues, which may require some major changes, you will likely continue to struggle. *hugs*

Anna

Briar, it sounds like you did a lot of things to work on your recovery and that's great, but did you also do things you enjoy, things for fun? I know for me, recovery is about balance in my life. Recovery shouldn't feel like razor blades. What do you have fun doing?

ScottFromWI

Please pardon my French Briar, but that is bulls**t and purely your addiction talking. Everyone has what it takes to do this...you have proven yourself that you can do this. You've already done it actually.

And you know what else, you wouldn't be here if you didn't know you can do it. People who have truly given up don't spend time on recovery forums.

So yes...it's gonna be hard for a while. And you will probably have to do a lot of those things again. But you are worth it and you know it. Your family needs you to do it too. So buckle down and join us....we will all be here for the ride too.

Nonsensical

You're an alcoholic. Don't believe everything you think.

Alynn

Briar I'm right there with you. We have to keep trying though!

helpimalive

I relate to this so much. You said razor blades, I always say that being sober feels like having a large-bore needle jabbed in my brain every few seconds all day every day. We are on the same page. And then for me there's that sense that, even though you're sober, that something's adding up int he back of your head, that will eventually come due, and you'll drink--which I think is kinda like your Jenga puzzle.

I hope somebody with some sober time and some wisdom can say how to make it not feel like razor blades, and not like a jenga puzzle.

Way to still be here, is all the input I have.

Briar

Yes. Exactly.

Hawks

see if you can identify with this talk.

XA-Speakers - The lights are on!

Please post feedback after listening

Dee74

I was really scared to quit drinking. I had so many other things in my life and my self that I didn't want to face about myself, but drinking had become untenable.

I don't know any way through the razor blades and teetering jenga towers but to just do it.

I had no faith in myself or my ability to stay sober, but I knew drinking would kill me, soul first...I also had a little faith in the folks here.

I figured I'd given 20 years to drinking...I may as well give not drinking a really good chance.

It took me 3 or 4 months to feel normal, and the first month or so was really tough going... but to be honest after the first month it got a lot better and wasn't that bad.

My fear of being sober was way worse than actually being sober.

The way I see it briar you can decide to quit now and save yourself and your loved ones a lot of grief, or you can keep trying to make drinking work and have to quit later when the bottom falls out of your world.

Either way you have to quit.

D

Esspee

Do you have anything you can start to do to 'replace' the drinking?

I am not sure how to explain what I mean properly so apologies if it doesn't come out right.

I 100% accept that giving up drinking is a mind/life consuming effort. I also think that sometimes we risk the fight to achieve sobriety becoming as much of an 'obsession' as the drinking was in the first place. In which case alcohol is still in charge of our lives, whether we are drinking or fighting the drinking.

I've signed up for evening classes which will start in September so I have also signed up for a Spanish class once a week starting in a couple of weeks time. For a couple of hours a week I will have something else to concentrate on - to take my mind off of both alcohol and giving up alcohol.

We need to find something to fill the soggy, messy gap alcohol has left. I'm not saying for one minute to take our eyes off the ball but if you can find something you enjoy that will take your mind off things it might be a welcome relief.

I'm only 12 days in so am no expert in any way, shape or form but I had a long drive to and from an interview yesterday. On my way home I took a detour through a town I've driven past many times but never driven through. It wasn't anywhere special, just somewhere I've never been to so it was interesting (for me anyway). Afterwards I had the 'joyful feeling' of realising any thought of alcohol (drinking or abstaining) hadn't occurred to me in over three hours

JanieJ

I also didn't think I was built for being sober (and a lot of my friends still don't).

You don't know me Briar, but I had the worst attitude, was the most "poor me" person you could ever meet. A rebel, co-dependent, and a total emotional mess.

There are so many things I regret. So many. One is not getting sober 30 years ago.

A few months ago I started getting a pain in my stomach. obviously I didn't do anything sensible like going to the docs. I googled it. That brought up alcoholism symptoms, red face, bloating, swollen liver ,etc. The penny suddenly dropped. I was 52 and on my way to the grave as a smelly drunk old woman.

Briar, you WILL reach this stage. Your AV tells you that there's no point being sober, but that's your addiction talking, not you.

Yeah, it's tough at first. But to keep trying and relapsing is much tougher, mentally and emotionally.

Until about two weeks ago I honestly didn't think I would ever feel better. Now I do, at just over four months in. I feel better equipped. I'm motivated. I'm enjoying being sober.

Honestly, after a while, it becomes normal to be sober. You need other interests, things you enjoy, you deserve that, you know. It's not all about making amends and punishment.

I had to take it down to two simple things -I needed to get sober and how could I do that.

I focussed on that, not all the mind- addling angst that gets in the way. I had to tell that stuff to go away, and practice techniques to get rid of it.

You can do this, Briar.

Mark1014

For me personally, when I look back on my drinking days I see how extremely ME centric my thinking was. It has taken four plus months of sobriety for my perspective to begin to evolve. And ultimately my sobriety is largely for me but others do enter the equation. I sometimes have to look at it very pragmatically and take out all of the mind filling emotions that I relentlessly rolled over and over in my mind until I was sick of myself.

I can drink or not drink. If I completely take me out of the equation, the simple question becomes 'will I be a better father, friend, brother, employer, spouse.....if I drink or don't drink? The answer is obvious. So during times that I can't find in my emotional self the desire/reason to keep up the effort for myself I can always look to that truth. Do I base my sobriety on that? No. I want a better life for me too, but that truth settled the debate and I could put away the endless burden of waffling and focus my efforts more productively.

As usual, Dee summed it up quite concisely in the last couple of sentences of his post.

hillbillygirl

One of the biggest things I had to stop doing was telling myself it wasn't getting better. I honestly believed it. I think we assume that once we stop drinking, maybe make it through that first day, that our lives will completely turn around, our idea of sobriety is that life will be perfect....its not, because life just isnt.. but that doesnt mean its not getting better...it is, we just have to change the way we view it. Learn to appreciate the good things, no matter how small.
Someone recently told me, "life is too hard to live it sober" but looking back at all those drunken years...it wasn't too hard, it was my perception of things. It was actually pretty great, and I missed out on it by drinking myself stupid. We dont get the past back, but we have full control over our future.

hillbillygirl

Its almost spring, do you have a place (doesnt have to be very big) to possibly plant some flowers or veggies? That is a nice hobby, enjoyable, relaxing and can help get your mind off drinking...plus, you get pretty flowers or yummy veggies to eat!

LBrain

I'll just add this...
I was 14 years old when I first got drunk. My brain went, "Oh YEAH! This is me."

I was close to 55 when I had my last drink - for good. Over the years I became like a two year old who cried when you took away their bottle. How was I going to get through the day without having my bottle all the time.

This just dawned on me now. I don't have children. But I never understood when I saw a baby with a pacifier in it's mouth. Some call it a 'binky' or something like that. Now I completely understand. You need to get some kind of a 'binky' for yourself until you are used to not having that bottle and have come to accept that that bottle is no longer available to you. There have been a number of suggestions for some activities or distractions that you might engage in while you are still getting a grasp on sobriety.
Get yourself a binky.

keithj

There are many, many of us that failed over and over at trying to just grit our teeth and not drink. There are other ways to get sober.

lunar

I know the feeling.
I also know the feeling of horrific hangover/withdrawal.
To me that feels like a samurai sword vs those razor blades.
I'll deal with the razor blades.

Wastinglife

Don't give up the fight. I have been in recovery for almost 4 years now. Had 3 relapses since I got out of rehab. But I still catch myself on and sober up. I have a year sober now. Just believe you can beat it.

Briar

I just don't feel like I have the strength right now. But then, I consider the Herculean effort it's taking this morning to function on the most basic level, and it seems logical that I could apply this effort to staying sober. It doesn't make sense to drink this way.