KaleGrrl

Today, I got a call from my hometown saying that my uncle died a pauper, and they're looking for his next of kin. That would be me primarily. It was my mom's brother, the brother she was estranged from and someone we haven't spoken to in years and years. I called my sister, and we both regret not having tried to find out where he was and to reach out to him, esp after our mom's death. Our parents were both alcoholics (both deceased). Our brother is a drug addict and alcoholic, who has only tried to contact us to get money to buy more drugs (last time was over 3 years ago). We don't know if he's dead or alive. So I'll take care of my uncle's burial since my sister has no money. I'm divorced, with a decent job and have problems with alcohol. Just had a bottle of wine, but that's nothing for me. I don't have real problems with a day 1 until I've had 3 bottles of wine. I can't seem to stop, to even go past a day 4, and I feel like an utter failure in life, though no one else would know this. My sister (who doesn't do drugs or alcohol) and I feel so guilty for not trying to reach out to our brother (but would we be enabling him?). She has no idea I have a problem with alcohol myself. No one does. I'm a secret, at-home drinker. I'm afraid my adult daughter is an alcoholic. I don't know how to sort out my emotions. I believe in God very much but I'm such a mess regardless, worthy of nothing.

waywardson8260

Taking care of your uncle's funeral is a very noble and decent thing to do. You sound like a great person worthy of praise!

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, KaleGrrl. You will find support, encouragement and understanding.

You are NOT a horrible person. Alcoholism, addiction and family dynamics are individually complicated and often multi-layered conditions. Combine them and they can become overwhelming.

You will find a Newcomers Forum, an Alcoholism Forum, and Friends & Families Forums here in which you may be interested.

Glad you found SR.

longbeachone

You are ABSOLUTELY a worthy person. God made you in his image, and loves you so very very much. So many of us here have felt exactly the same as you.

Welcome to you...you have come to the right place. It CAN get better!

KaleGrrl

Thank you, Waywardson, Soberleigh and Longbeachone. I'm just so sad. In God's image?--yes I know, but not so much since it's so tarnished. I used to think that if I realized I had a problem and wanted to stop so badly that that was a huge step--that recovery would soon follow. But I have to work for that and be more mindful for sure. It just doesn't "come."
But tonight, I'm just sad about my uncle. I loved him so much as a child and now he is gone. I wish I had struggled hard to find him, to bring him into my home and take care of him in his last years. But it's too late now. I just feel so bad.

esinger

Your a worthy person. Took me along time to admit that to myself but I think getting past the self loathing is an important part of the recovery process.

My mothers death this past year was the first one of these life altering stressful events I was sober through in my adult life and I'm over 50. I was so thankful I was clean to get through this. (I was the only one.) You use the booze to cope with the stress and depression and it just increases it ten fold. Once you get past the initial shock to your system you'll find out that life is much easier and rewarding with out being sedated (or hung over).
Your only a failure when you quit trying. Your here so obviously you haven't quit trying.

KaleGrrl

Thank you, esinger, no, I haven't quit trying. I will start again tomorrow. I'm so sorry about your mom's death, and glad you were sober through it.

least

When I was drinking, I felt worthless most of the time. It took a few months of being sober for that feeling to lift. But it's gone now and I don't wake up hating myself anymore.

It is a good thing you're doing for your uncle's funeral. Please don't beat yourself up with the past. It's over and done with. The only time you can control is today. So make today a good one.

I hope the support here can help you get sober for good.

Anna

Kalegirl, the disease of alcoholism makes us feel worthless. That's the hook. So, of course, we continue to drink. You are not worthless. Alcoholism is not a character defect. Believe in yourself and you will be able to make sobriety work.

It's generous of you to take care of your uncle's funeral. You are doing what you can, and there's no need to blame yourself for your family's problems.

KaleGrrl

Thank you, Least. I know what you're saying is true. I'm grieving, but I'll work to become stronger. Yes, I've read many posts from SR, and have found many inspiring ones, especially from those who've beaten the addiction for some time--yours included.

KaleGrrl

Thank you, Anna. I'm just exhausted and will begin again tomorrow.

SoberLeigh

We will be here for you, KalrGrrl. Get a good night's sleep. We'll see you tomorrow.

Inchworm

Welcome, Kale girl! You've come to the right place.

Hevyn

It's great to meet you KaleGrrl. The others are right - you're a person of value and you matter. I hope to see you again tomorrow - we care.

Nonsensical

Absolutely true.

Just look at your post. Your parents were both alcoholics, your brother is/was a drug addict, but the only person you criticized in your post was YOU.

Welcome to Sober Recovery - where we get it.

You deserve better - we get that too!

Esspee

You are NOT a horrible person at all. Your uncle was an adult and made his own decisions. It is the same with your brother. It would not matter what you do or say to your brother, until he acknowledges he needs to sort himself out, nothing will change. You need to look after yourself before you can help anyone else x

getright15

I've recently just getting out of that horrible person phase. I did do some bad things...regretting plenty of things from a few weeks ago. Sigh

sobermax

I did some horrible, dangerous things while drinking. By rights I should probably be dead or in prison.

But I am not a horrible person. I am a very ordinary person who used to drink too much.

Don´t have to do any of that stuff any more and I sleep just fine.

It is the alcohol you drink, not you.

Soberwolf

Sorry for your loss KaleGrrl know that there is so much support here

You can do this friend

KaleGrrl

Thank you everyone--Soberleigh again, Inchworm, Hevyn, Nonsensical, Esspee, getright, sobermax and soberwolf.
Esspee--thank you so much for your clarification. I know this, but I have empathy for them anyway. I can't imagine how they have lived and I've shuddered. I don't even know how my uncle had my cell # (how else did the county Public Admin office reach me?)--he could have called me. I'll have to make more phone calls today. Have to go to work but it's a lighter day and I'll be able to focus on what I need to with all this.
You are so right. I have to get myself healed to be my best to everyone else.