seasaw

she just texted me.

"Send me your address. Do not call. me."

That's it.

My heart is pounding. I have spent months shoring up my defenses so that I am not hooked in any more. I have spent months grieving for my mother and trying to figure out how to do that when she is still alive. It's like she's reaching out from the grave. I hate her so much! And I miss her! And I don't care! And I wish this was over!!

I took a kickboxing class last night (a friend helped me get out of the house, and moving my body around felt so good...), and I realized that focusing the punches and kicks with my anger over the last few years (well, 30 years) gave me a lot more energy! I actually visualized her face with some of the kicks. That's so effed up!!!

But I HAVE to get this piano out of the house I'm moving out of. It's either return it to her, or sell it. And I'm not going to dance around her requests at NC like I'm the villain.

I texted back "If we can't have a brief conversation on the phone I'm not going to move forward with anything. I need to get this piano thing figured out."

I don't want to undo the progress I've made in the last 7 months

(edit: i have changed her name to QuackQuackQuack in my phone. i unblocked her number for this piano situation. blergh.)

ajarlson

So sorry to hear it! I know that gripping anxiety well for sure. Bummer about the piano - what if you called piano movers and just had them come get it and take it to her house? When i got the piano from my mom's place they just went and got it and brought it to me. Of course, then you have to pay for it which is pricey. Sure hope you can figure this out, I know what it's like to want to get everything out of the way that someone could hold over your head.

seasaw

I would love to but a) i can't afford it and b) if there's no one to let them in at her end, they'll bring it back and charge me double :/

tromboneliness

#Excellent



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irisgardens

seasaw--it is SO hard...but 7 months is awesome...I worked on 'mom' for 12 years...and only went nc when I realized that she would actually leave me on the street with nothing...was in a south american country without any resources but husband (need I say more?).

in any case...once I did it (within the past 2-3 years)--I have not had any 'cravings' to see her, be with her or anything...although it took about 1 1/2 years more after the decision. This past year, saw her at 1 wedding reception and 2 funerals...I am a hugger...and I was surprised to note that I felt no rancor or much but wanting to hug her briefly; then detach physically--hugged all other family members...when I approached...she turned and ran on the two occasions after I caught her by surprise in the first funeral...just sharing...sincerely hoping that there are no more 'mandatory' (to my perception) family occasions soon...but it was what it was and I realized then (finally) that it always was that way...it was me that was enmeshed with trying to please and take care of her...as my Dad did...

Funny thing on the piano story...I, too, have a piano story...my Dad--bought me a piano (& then all the younger siblings) as adults...because the family story is that his mother was 'supposed' to give me her piano but gave it to another cousin instead...never bothered me but my mother just couldn't let it go (not even her family). I had that piano for many years...and my 3 daughters got piano lessons (my oldest had a great talent).

When we downsized...some of the 5 kids had left the space...and we no longer needed it...my mother played piano...I never did pick it up...so letting go of that piano was actually something very freeing for me. It had been a gift (I had had to pay to pick it up--that was how my parents were with gifts)--so I called my local school (knew the principal and vice-principal and music teachers from my kid's years and offered to donate it). They actually (about 10 years ago) were happy to accept and arranged for the pick-up and move.

Never thought too much about it after that...but when I do...as your share brought up this morning...I am so happy that it has been used to 'train' kids who might otherwise not be able to learn as well as serve for accompanists in our 'poor' CA elementary school(s) and served a greater good.

Thought I would share...do you have any middle ground option?

tromboneliness

Unloading a piano is tough, these days. Their value has dropped so much that unless it's a really good instrument, most pianos, you can't get rid of. It's a shame -- I was reading a story about it recently, where a century ago, there were something like 120,000 pianos manufactured in the USA every year. Now, it's 10,000 or less.

When I cleaned out my parents' house in 2011, we still had a nice 1909 Keller Bros. upright, which my sister had taken lessons on when she was a kid, and which I practiced on when I studied for a couple of years in my 20s. Nice sound, best action of any upright I've ever played, and in pretty good working condition, having been worked on regularly by a guy who's one of the better tuner/technicians in the area.

Unfortunately, not only was I unable to sell it, but I didn't even succeed in giving it away (to anyone willing to come and pick it up). I ended up having the house liquidator take it away, along with everything else in the house that I wasn't keeping and couldn't sell. I don't know what they did with it, but my guess is it ended up in a landfill. Sad to say, but that's how it is.

People made fun of John Philip Sousa for refusing (for the most part) to make records, because he felt they would destroy live music... but in the end, he was right!

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ajarlson

My piano story is more sentimental - my grandmother raised me and gave piano lessons to the neighborhood - and me. I grew up playing this beautiful baby grand solid mahogany piano from the early 1900s. Always loved that piano, dusted it top to bottom every Saturday and played it almost every day. After my grandfather passed, my mother decided that my grandmother could not live in her own house where she had lived the past 50 years, so she went there, got her, brought her to where she lived and bought a townhome with my grandmother's money. My wonderful sacrificing mother sold most of my grandmother's stuff and her house, and put my grandmother in a bed. She hired people to look after her and lived on my grandmother's pension and social security and credit. My grandmother was well off as they had great money management skills. My mom, not so much. But even her living off my grandmother's money wasn't the part that bothered me, it was that my mother never took her anywhere, never made her walk, swim, yes my grandmother should have tried harder I suppose but my mother just let her waste away in bed addicted to all sorts of pain meds. She tried to get out of bed once and her bones were so soft from inactivity that her ankle crumbled. I was living on the other side of the country raising my kids and felt a bit helpless as my mother was the executor and had power of attorney. When my grandmother died all I wanted was that piano, not so much because it was worth anything or that I would play it all the time - it was just something that reminded me of her love and the closeness we had. So when mom called and said come get it - the piano movers were there the next day. That was worth breaking NC for.

tromboneliness

Totally understood! My wife came equipped with a Chickering baby grand that has been in her family for a long time. It's in storage right now, and last time we had it out, we were living in Arizona -- and the dry climate was not good for it, to the point where who knows if it'll hold a tune or if major surgery would be needed -- but selling/unloading it would be utterly out of the question! As soon as we have a living room again (currently living in a 3rd-floor apartment), that thing's coming out of storage again -- and if it's playable, great, if not, we'll keep it around anyway.

The therapeutic value of the piano cancels out the head-explosion factor of breaking NC with a toxic parent!



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