Rage, Resentment and Remorse (?)......
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Rage, Resentment and Remorse (?)......
This may be a bit off topic but I still had to share:
To start I am glad that I do not have time to access my computer in the morning. This particular morning for sure because I am at a point now where I can spare you the colorful words that I was thinking. On my drive to work I told myself my screen name should be hot-headed-little-cajun - LOL
I am sharing these thoughts with you all because it is therapeutic for me.
Let me set the scene for you:
Yesterday evening - all was well until about 9:00, my youngest (8) was out the bed with the “I can’t sleep” and “my stomach hurts”. My husband and I know this is sometimes a ploy to be awake longer and rock with daddy in his chair or lay with mommy in her bed. Last night we were firm with her about sleeping in her bed, etc. By 9:30 she is asking for the doctor because her stomach hurts. This is a concern for both of us because she is just finished 10 days of meds for strep and this was a symptom. My husband was in the front room, I was in bed. I could hear the irritation in his voice; he wanted no parts of her situation. He turns off the lights and walks to the bedroom. I ask him where she is and he said on the couch. I tell him that she was not comfortable in the bed with me and she wanted to rock with you in your chair, he walks off to the front. I hear them talking and I am not liking the “tone” I am hearing from him. I heard “well then go tell your mom” and then he calls our dog to go outside. I reluctantly climb out of the bed to find out what is happening. I am meet in the hallway by my 8 year old and she is crying again “I want to go to the doctor” she cries. I knew immediately he was sending her to me to climb out of bed and get dressed to take her – my blood was boiling!
When he was back inside the house I told him I did not appreciate him sending our child to “get me” so I can take her to the doctor. His words to me where “I took her last time”. GASP, WHAT!? Are we keeping count now!!!!! I turned to him and said, “This is not a matter of who took her when, it’s the fact that you don’t want to deal with this!”. I WAS PISSED!!! Off we go to urgent care at 9:30 at night. Thankfully nothing is wrong with her. I finally hit the pillow at 10:30, 2 hours past my bedtime.
4:15 am comes really early when you miss two hours + of sleep. As a side note this is the quite time I need to read my daily readings and daily prayers. I was so tired this morning I could not even focus on the words. At 5:30 my teenager strolls in the kitchen with “dad is still sleeping”. **Sigh** Just to make this clear, I do not wake him in the morning, he has an alarm clock for that but I did go back to make sure he had not overslept and ask if he is going to work – I mean there has been no discussion as to why he wouldn’t – he just never sleeps in. He says to me “Oh yeah, I decided when my alarm went off that I would sleep in before my appointment this morning instead of going in to work first”. Again, GASP!!! WHAT!!!???? I just walked off. I went on my morning walk and the pavement sure did get a workout. I was stomping and I was cussing and I was talking, this time out loud. Had anyone heard me they would have thought I was crazy! Could he have NOT considered this “sleeping in” last night at 9:30 when she was crying for the doctor! Are you kidding me! How inconsiderate! You know you can sleep in yet you send our 8 year old child to get me from the bed to take her to the doctor! I was fuming the entire time I was getting ready for work. Before I left he gets up. My teenager asked him if he was going to work, see I am not the only one that thinks this is out of character for him. He tells her the same story about the appointment. Finally I pulled myself together and said “See – you did not communicate this with anyone and it would have been nice of you to consider this last night at 9:30 when your child needed you.” He just kind of shrugged it off so I added “and I know you don’t think you did anything wrong”.
Yeah, yeah, I sound like a raging lunatic – I am tired and grumpy. IMO he could have thought less of himself and had been more considerate. I might add that, as far as I know, he was dry last night and that could be why he was agitated. But that is not my problem that is his!
So, blast me, laugh at me, whatever, at the end of the day I am just glad that you all are here to lean on. I am not looking for sympathy – just needed to get this off my chest.
Thanks for reading/listening!
To start I am glad that I do not have time to access my computer in the morning. This particular morning for sure because I am at a point now where I can spare you the colorful words that I was thinking. On my drive to work I told myself my screen name should be hot-headed-little-cajun - LOL
I am sharing these thoughts with you all because it is therapeutic for me.
Let me set the scene for you:
Yesterday evening - all was well until about 9:00, my youngest (8) was out the bed with the “I can’t sleep” and “my stomach hurts”. My husband and I know this is sometimes a ploy to be awake longer and rock with daddy in his chair or lay with mommy in her bed. Last night we were firm with her about sleeping in her bed, etc. By 9:30 she is asking for the doctor because her stomach hurts. This is a concern for both of us because she is just finished 10 days of meds for strep and this was a symptom. My husband was in the front room, I was in bed. I could hear the irritation in his voice; he wanted no parts of her situation. He turns off the lights and walks to the bedroom. I ask him where she is and he said on the couch. I tell him that she was not comfortable in the bed with me and she wanted to rock with you in your chair, he walks off to the front. I hear them talking and I am not liking the “tone” I am hearing from him. I heard “well then go tell your mom” and then he calls our dog to go outside. I reluctantly climb out of the bed to find out what is happening. I am meet in the hallway by my 8 year old and she is crying again “I want to go to the doctor” she cries. I knew immediately he was sending her to me to climb out of bed and get dressed to take her – my blood was boiling!
When he was back inside the house I told him I did not appreciate him sending our child to “get me” so I can take her to the doctor. His words to me where “I took her last time”. GASP, WHAT!? Are we keeping count now!!!!! I turned to him and said, “This is not a matter of who took her when, it’s the fact that you don’t want to deal with this!”. I WAS PISSED!!! Off we go to urgent care at 9:30 at night. Thankfully nothing is wrong with her. I finally hit the pillow at 10:30, 2 hours past my bedtime.
4:15 am comes really early when you miss two hours + of sleep. As a side note this is the quite time I need to read my daily readings and daily prayers. I was so tired this morning I could not even focus on the words. At 5:30 my teenager strolls in the kitchen with “dad is still sleeping”. **Sigh** Just to make this clear, I do not wake him in the morning, he has an alarm clock for that but I did go back to make sure he had not overslept and ask if he is going to work – I mean there has been no discussion as to why he wouldn’t – he just never sleeps in. He says to me “Oh yeah, I decided when my alarm went off that I would sleep in before my appointment this morning instead of going in to work first”. Again, GASP!!! WHAT!!!???? I just walked off. I went on my morning walk and the pavement sure did get a workout. I was stomping and I was cussing and I was talking, this time out loud. Had anyone heard me they would have thought I was crazy! Could he have NOT considered this “sleeping in” last night at 9:30 when she was crying for the doctor! Are you kidding me! How inconsiderate! You know you can sleep in yet you send our 8 year old child to get me from the bed to take her to the doctor! I was fuming the entire time I was getting ready for work. Before I left he gets up. My teenager asked him if he was going to work, see I am not the only one that thinks this is out of character for him. He tells her the same story about the appointment. Finally I pulled myself together and said “See – you did not communicate this with anyone and it would have been nice of you to consider this last night at 9:30 when your child needed you.” He just kind of shrugged it off so I added “and I know you don’t think you did anything wrong”.
Yeah, yeah, I sound like a raging lunatic – I am tired and grumpy. IMO he could have thought less of himself and had been more considerate. I might add that, as far as I know, he was dry last night and that could be why he was agitated. But that is not my problem that is his!
So, blast me, laugh at me, whatever, at the end of the day I am just glad that you all are here to lean on. I am not looking for sympathy – just needed to get this off my chest.
Thanks for reading/listening!
Last edited by knowthetriggers; 02-12-2015 at 05:55 AM. Reason: spelling
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knowthetriggers...yeah, I know well how tough (infuriating) it is when both parents are not on the "same page" and every thing becomes a power struggle rather than a co-operative effort.
When one person is carrying the majority of the load...inequity becomes a big issue.
I remember this so well from my marriage to my children's father.
dandylion
When one person is carrying the majority of the load...inequity becomes a big issue.
I remember this so well from my marriage to my children's father.
dandylion
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She does suffer from anxiety, this is on going for her. She also has mild ADD, as does my oldest child.
Honestly she has had less exposure to the chaos than my oldest child did, BUT I should add that my husband does suffer from anxiety as well.
It concerns me that she gets so worked up. We have a follow up with her Pediatrician and I am already thinking that counseling would work wonders for all of us!
The "remorse" part of all this is that I feel like she got stuck in the middle of our bickering and I know I need to apologize to her. I sort of did last night but was still to angry to really mean it.
Honestly she has had less exposure to the chaos than my oldest child did, BUT I should add that my husband does suffer from anxiety as well.
It concerns me that she gets so worked up. We have a follow up with her Pediatrician and I am already thinking that counseling would work wonders for all of us!
The "remorse" part of all this is that I feel like she got stuck in the middle of our bickering and I know I need to apologize to her. I sort of did last night but was still to angry to really mean it.
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Originally Posted by jjj111 
Looking back now, I still wish that one of my parents had made up their mind to protect me from the fighting and unhappiness that comes with alcoholism. I live with the anxiety to this day.
Her appointment can't come fast enough.
P.S. - I told my husband in an email that her Pediatrician may ask us to consider counseling and that it may involve all of us (me, both girls and him), was he willing to participate and he said he would. We shall see.....
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I know I sound like a broken record with this, but DD10 started guided meditation classes when she was 8 & it helped her SO much more than I could have expected.
She also suffered from anxiety induced stomach aches & headaches & it was always worse at bedtime when her mind would grind overtime, focusing on her worries. (I did also get her in for a checkup & we adjusted some of her vitamins/supplements because she was also showing signs of early puberty & it had her body in Freak-Out Mode.)
The meditations have been a godsend because it's something she can take with her anywhere - a tool that resides in her mind. In a matter of months even her teachers were remarking about how different she was; calmer, more controlled, way less anxiety all around. One of her teachers made my day when she said, "Wow, she really knows where her boundaries are & isn't afraid to enforce them." Music to this mama's ears!!
She also suffered from anxiety induced stomach aches & headaches & it was always worse at bedtime when her mind would grind overtime, focusing on her worries. (I did also get her in for a checkup & we adjusted some of her vitamins/supplements because she was also showing signs of early puberty & it had her body in Freak-Out Mode.)
The meditations have been a godsend because it's something she can take with her anywhere - a tool that resides in her mind. In a matter of months even her teachers were remarking about how different she was; calmer, more controlled, way less anxiety all around. One of her teachers made my day when she said, "Wow, she really knows where her boundaries are & isn't afraid to enforce them." Music to this mama's ears!!
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Boy do I know about this! I was a single parent when I was married, and I am still a single parent when I am divorced (just of one less child, my X, and that is truth). It does not make it right, it is just a fact that I take care of everything. I have accepted that. It has made for nights of no rest. It has made stress high and has forced me to juggle my schedule in a way that would make a sane person crazy.
My little DD suffers with anxiety and gets frequent stomach aches because of it. It makes my heart hurt. This summer I am going to look into the meditation or something to try to ease it besides just counseling.
It's not easy, but I commend you on taking action and am glad it was nothing more serious!
Hugs. XXX
My little DD suffers with anxiety and gets frequent stomach aches because of it. It makes my heart hurt. This summer I am going to look into the meditation or something to try to ease it besides just counseling.
It's not easy, but I commend you on taking action and am glad it was nothing more serious!
Hugs. XXX
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Thanks Hopeful!
You know quite honestly our home is rather calm and quiet, these evenings are rare and I can add that my husband is usually a better support with these situations. I am not sugar coating when I tell you that we do make a good team taking care of responsibilities around the house and with the kids.
Like Dandylion mentioned - we were just not on the same page last night and our DD got caught in the middle. I plan to talk to her this evening and I have already told my husband that he and I need to work on a better approach when this happens again.
I will tell ya though, I can appreciate your comment about your X being an extra child, at times (like last night) that is exactly how I feel.
You know quite honestly our home is rather calm and quiet, these evenings are rare and I can add that my husband is usually a better support with these situations. I am not sugar coating when I tell you that we do make a good team taking care of responsibilities around the house and with the kids.
Like Dandylion mentioned - we were just not on the same page last night and our DD got caught in the middle. I plan to talk to her this evening and I have already told my husband that he and I need to work on a better approach when this happens again.
I will tell ya though, I can appreciate your comment about your X being an extra child, at times (like last night) that is exactly how I feel.
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Ugh. That blows. :/ Sorry about the rough night and lack of sleep. Everything is magnified at the end of the day when we are just so *done*.
No advice! I recognize your post though. I've done a lot of work to get past that kind of reaction but it still happens every once in awhile and I don't even have anyone to blame/get mad at.
I used to take a day off work every 6-8 weeks but the kids still went to daycare/school. I'd sleep, do chores, get groceries, or nothing at all. It was a sanity saver. I no longer have that luxury but I highly recommend it if you can manage it!
No advice! I recognize your post though. I've done a lot of work to get past that kind of reaction but it still happens every once in awhile and I don't even have anyone to blame/get mad at.
I used to take a day off work every 6-8 weeks but the kids still went to daycare/school. I'd sleep, do chores, get groceries, or nothing at all. It was a sanity saver. I no longer have that luxury but I highly recommend it if you can manage it!
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My son was a worrywart as a younger boy, had nothing to do with his dad, (RAH was sober for about 15 years and the best dad a kid could have asked for). I got him a workbook called: "What to Do When You Worry too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety" It was the BEST resource I have ever seen. It helped him to face his worries and handle them. It's very kid friendly and works them through some steps and strategies to help them handle their anxiety and stress. I highly recommend that. Her age is about perfect for it.
As far as your AH, such selfishness this disease causes! he thought of no one but himself, and he placed his own needs over that of his child. Shame on him. I'm not about to yell at you because you have EVERY right to be mad, hurt, whatever. But way to take some positive actions for you!
As far as your AH, such selfishness this disease causes! he thought of no one but himself, and he placed his own needs over that of his child. Shame on him. I'm not about to yell at you because you have EVERY right to be mad, hurt, whatever. But way to take some positive actions for you!
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Originally Posted by spedteach
My son was a worrywart as a younger boy, had nothing to do with his dad, (RAH was sober for about 15 years and the best dad a kid could have asked for). I got him a workbook called: "What to Do When You Worry too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety" It was the BEST resource I have ever seen. It helped him to face his worries and handle them. It's very kid friendly and works them through some steps and strategies to help them handle their anxiety and stress. I highly recommend that. Her age is about perfect for it.
As far as your AH, such selfishness this disease causes! he thought of no one but himself, and he placed his own needs over that of his child. Shame on him. I'm not about to yell at you because you have EVERY right to be mad, hurt, whatever. But way to take some positive actions for you!
As far as your AH, such selfishness this disease causes! he thought of no one but himself, and he placed his own needs over that of his child. Shame on him. I'm not about to yell at you because you have EVERY right to be mad, hurt, whatever. But way to take some positive actions for you!
Thank you so much for this reference because that is what I am thinking. My AH and I do not fight, in fact we didn't argue last night until after she started her mini-meltdown. My sister has told me time and again that we needed to ask about these anxiety attacks. She has them and says as an adult they scare her and she could not imagine what a child feels. Can you get this workbook at a local bookstore or do you order on-line? I will speak to her Pediatrician about this tomorrow for sure!
I certainly need to educate myself as well on how to approach these attacks so last night does not repeat itself. When I talked to my husband at lunch he agreed. I can't wait to get home and hug her and tell her how sorry I am!
Thanks again!
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Originally Posted by Thumper
I've done a lot of work to get past that kind of reaction but it still happens every once in awhile
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Just a quick thanks for everyone's support yesterday!
A little update - I had my turn to to sit with my DD and apologize and tell her it was not her fault. I explained to her that mom will work really hard to be more helpful the next time she might feel nervous or can't sleep.
I also told her that we would be seeing her Doctor today, it is during school hours but early enough for me to bring her back after. She stopped for a moment and says "You mean I will miss my Valentine Party" - LOL, a girl has her priorities ya know! And by the way - she will be back in time - she will not miss the party
Thanks again friends!
A little update - I had my turn to to sit with my DD and apologize and tell her it was not her fault. I explained to her that mom will work really hard to be more helpful the next time she might feel nervous or can't sleep.
I also told her that we would be seeing her Doctor today, it is during school hours but early enough for me to bring her back after. She stopped for a moment and says "You mean I will miss my Valentine Party" - LOL, a girl has her priorities ya know! And by the way - she will be back in time - she will not miss the party
Thanks again friends!
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