Briar

Tonight I’m going to take a quick break from getting drunk, breaking things, and snapping at my kid to admit that I’ve screwed up again. I made obvious errors. This is the problem.

Have you ever played Jenga? That’s what my mind feels like. I had a pretty good tower going there for a while. It was holding up well, and as blocks slid out, it stood. Then it wobbled. Then it leaned. Then it all came crashing down. I’m trying to make sense of the mess.

Sometimes I don’t care. Sometimes I’m terrified I’m going to die. All of the time I’m just watching it all happen, lost in the immensity of it, and breathless at the thought that it’s on me to sort it all out and rebuild.

SoberLeigh

You are not doing this alone, Briar. We are with you.

I have played Jenga. There is always another game to be played. We'll help you rebuild and set the blocks with mortar.

Della1968

I understand the feeling Briar. You aren't alone

Dee74

I remember that feeling too. I had to trust the people here who told me to hold tight and hang on & have faith that things would get better.

They did - there is life on the other side of that briar

D

Briar

Today I paused with the bottle hovering over the glass, and I tried to remember what it was that stopped me before. Why was I so determined? What held me back every day for 80 days? I remember the things, but I don't remember the feelings that made them important.

Nonsensical

That's not you. That's the alcoholic living in your head. I know. I have one, too. It tells me naught but lies.
We're all going to die. What you're really afraid of is that you won't live much until then. You'll waste it all in an alcoholic haze. That's you, and it's a real concern.

You are more powerful than you realize. Stand up to the liar living in your head. Tell it NO.

You can do this.

FeelingGreat

Don't forget your kid is watching every move you make, and if my own memories are a guide wishing and hoping you won't pour that drink.

Did you have the alcohol in the house before you relapsed? If so, can I suggest you keep the house strictly alcohol free? It helps a lot.

Briar

No, I bought it.

Venecia

It sounds like you're shouldering a great deal.

Perhaps it's time to let others hold you up for a while so you can get better. Maybe time to give inpatient a try?

CleverDick

jenga. hmm. i'm liking the analogy. from what i recall i think my head was like spaghetti and jelly with a bunch of frogs and a wasps' nest all shook up in a box. there was no making sense of what went on in there. all i knew in the end was that i needed help. i could not drink again. i did not have to drink again. there were others who had found the way - and they were willing to show me, too.

briar ... recovery is yours if you want it enough! just ask the lovely people

ScottFromWI

Have had the talk with your husband about the issue?

Jen73

Briar, I been sober for 9 day of tomorrow. I been there my daughter would get very angry at me for drinking and she would remind me of the things i did. I realize that alcohol isn't good to me. Its evil and very easy to to get u in a corner.
I could have lost my kids the last time I drank, when the cops came to my house and called the child services to come to the house. I was very lucky that child services gave me a second chance to get help and change.
its really easy to go buy alcohol, but I have tried new routes to go home. It has been working!!all I can say is think about your kids before u feel u need a drink. Find the memories that u had.

" is always a better way to fight this evilness' and go forward to a better day"

Mcribb

What do you want out of life? Do you want to be sober? To be a good parent? It seems like you are lost but there is people out there to help you to get sober and to have a purpose in life. It sounds like to me you have no reason to live and you want someone else to kick you in the right direction. Write out and think what you want. A vision of being a sober, happy person full of purpose, a person who takes action that other people look up to. You start by making phone calls to AA or treatment programs. You can also pick up books and really start taking massive action with the situation.

Mcribb

Getting clear in my vision for myself helped me to then take action. I wanted to be a sober person. I wanted to master my emotions. I wanted to make things that upset or anger me and turn them into learning situations. I wanted to make a difference in peoples lives. I wanted to be a better son and rebuild relationships. That started for me by picking up the phone and going to a rehab center. Then onto A.A. It is a tough task but if you take massive action today you eventually can get on the road to purpose, happiness, fullfillment, and contribute to other peoples sobriety.

Soberwolf

You can do this Briar