Very unhappy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
Very unhappy
I relapsed last Thursday after 7 months.
Now I'm on day 6.
My problem is that I'm very unhappy. I feel like I have to keep apologising for my relapse.
It's hard for me to explain about my family, but I feel like my addiction is all they talk about. My mother mentions it constantly. I think about it a lot as well.
At the moment, I live with my Grandmother during the working week and I often go to my parents at the weekend. I feel like I have no control over my life. I spend my time following orders really.
I'm applying for better paid jobs and my dream is to have a place of my own sometime.
But I am just so unhappy right now. I'm just going through the motions.
Do things get better?
Now I'm on day 6.
My problem is that I'm very unhappy. I feel like I have to keep apologising for my relapse.
It's hard for me to explain about my family, but I feel like my addiction is all they talk about. My mother mentions it constantly. I think about it a lot as well.
At the moment, I live with my Grandmother during the working week and I often go to my parents at the weekend. I feel like I have no control over my life. I spend my time following orders really.
I'm applying for better paid jobs and my dream is to have a place of my own sometime.
But I am just so unhappy right now. I'm just going through the motions.
Do things get better?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Tetra, stop apologising for your relapse, it's done, over, finished, there's a thread from last week I could show you with many people saying keep moving forward, here at SR we focus on the present and the future, and draw a line under the past!!
I think sometimes we need to reevaluate who we surround ourselves with, here at SR you are doing fantastic, Day 6 and you're pushing through, but in the outside world you are feeling down, not because there is anything wrong, but because you have people around you giving such a critique on things that it is making you feel down, in comparison here on SR is full of people who have much more understanding of the situation!!
Focus on the future, make Sobriety your priority and definitely you can make those dreams come true, but most importantly surround yourself with people who don't make you feel unhappy!!
I think sometimes we need to reevaluate who we surround ourselves with, here at SR you are doing fantastic, Day 6 and you're pushing through, but in the outside world you are feeling down, not because there is anything wrong, but because you have people around you giving such a critique on things that it is making you feel down, in comparison here on SR is full of people who have much more understanding of the situation!!
Focus on the future, make Sobriety your priority and definitely you can make those dreams come true, but most importantly surround yourself with people who don't make you feel unhappy!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
Tetra; from all that you told us about your Mother it is obvious that she is a toxic person and very unhealthy to be around.
Can you live with your grandmother on a full-time basis?
“Don't let someone else's opinion of you become your reality.”
― Les Brown
Can you live with your grandmother on a full-time basis?
“Don't let someone else's opinion of you become your reality.”
― Les Brown
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Things will get better Tetra.
One thing is that you cannot rely on the outside world (especially your critical mom) for validation. People are what they are and you cannot change them.
Expecting her to be kind, supportive and nurturing is like expecting a leopard to change its spots. It is just not going to happen.
Every time you look at others for validation and place expectations on them you are setting yourself up for for frustration and unhappiness.
Another thing is that unless they are alcoholics or addicts themselves, no one truly understands what an accomplishment 7 months or even 6 days is (actually especially 6 days because the beginning is the hardest).
For normies, not drinking is the norm. No one is going to give you a medal (well you ll get chips if you go to AA or CR LOL).
The logical thing for you is to do is to learn to self reward in a non destructive way and self validate yourself.
You did great coming back that fast and with 6 days. What about buying yourself flowers, taking yourself to a movie or signing up for a class?
I have been taking Zen meditation: it's free and it has been really good for me. It is something I like but I am sure you could come up with something of your own to nurture yourself.
Oh and try to avoid contact with your mom as much as possible. I know you love your dad and don't want to cut ties because of him but the woman is toxic to you like Soberleigh says.
One thing is that you cannot rely on the outside world (especially your critical mom) for validation. People are what they are and you cannot change them.
Expecting her to be kind, supportive and nurturing is like expecting a leopard to change its spots. It is just not going to happen.
Every time you look at others for validation and place expectations on them you are setting yourself up for for frustration and unhappiness.
Another thing is that unless they are alcoholics or addicts themselves, no one truly understands what an accomplishment 7 months or even 6 days is (actually especially 6 days because the beginning is the hardest).
For normies, not drinking is the norm. No one is going to give you a medal (well you ll get chips if you go to AA or CR LOL).
The logical thing for you is to do is to learn to self reward in a non destructive way and self validate yourself.
You did great coming back that fast and with 6 days. What about buying yourself flowers, taking yourself to a movie or signing up for a class?
I have been taking Zen meditation: it's free and it has been really good for me. It is something I like but I am sure you could come up with something of your own to nurture yourself.
Oh and try to avoid contact with your mom as much as possible. I know you love your dad and don't want to cut ties because of him but the woman is toxic to you like Soberleigh says.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Actions speak louder than any words can Tetra - good job on day 6. Make sure you aren't confusing "being happy" with "trying to please other people". And do remember that those around us do not understand our addiction for the most part, so while it's not "nice" of them to bring it up, they also feel hurt and betrayed. Much of what you hear from them is most likely out of concern for you, even if it doesn't seem or sound that way.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Tetra, you have told us of your grandmother and from what I recall, she is a loving and supportive presence in your life. I suggest not going to your parent's home for quite some time. I'd stay with your grandmother. You do not have to go see your parents. You are placing yourself in harms way. subjecting yourself to your mother's abuse is no good.
Be well. You are important. What you say matters. You are not that "poor sick Tetra. What a shame." You Tetra. An adult. With a voice. With feelings and opinions of your own. Own them unapologetically.
Be well. You are important. What you say matters. You are not that "poor sick Tetra. What a shame." You Tetra. An adult. With a voice. With feelings and opinions of your own. Own them unapologetically.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Tetra, you're an adult and only ultimately accountable to yourself. If you apologize to anyone, let it be to yourself then move on. If you physically or emotionally hurt someone during your relapse then by all means an apology might be necessary... but not just because you relapsed IMO.
I relapsed after 9 months a couple years ago and had to realize that I control my own actions. Although my family felt "bad" that I relapsed, ultimately I hurt myself first then everyone else was hurt through a "ripple-effect".
Great job on coming right back here and on day 6! You control you and everything else will fall into place based on your decisions.
Just decide to be sober. You can do it, you've proven that already.
Great job.
I relapsed after 9 months a couple years ago and had to realize that I control my own actions. Although my family felt "bad" that I relapsed, ultimately I hurt myself first then everyone else was hurt through a "ripple-effect".
Great job on coming right back here and on day 6! You control you and everything else will fall into place based on your decisions.
Just decide to be sober. You can do it, you've proven that already.
Great job.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
Another vote for stop beating yourself up. It happened. You cannot keep apologizing for it. How are you ever going to move forward when constantly focused on the past?
You're 34 (I think you said that in the last thread) - your *mom* needs to just mind her p's and q's. And you need to not go over there on weekends. Can you talk to your gramma about living fulltime there?
This dynamic with your mom is so detrimental for you in so many ways.
Time to cut the cord. For YOUR OWN SANITY.
congrats on day 6. Be proud and happy about that, never mind the "relapse" that you cannot change.
You're 34 (I think you said that in the last thread) - your *mom* needs to just mind her p's and q's. And you need to not go over there on weekends. Can you talk to your gramma about living fulltime there?
This dynamic with your mom is so detrimental for you in so many ways.
Time to cut the cord. For YOUR OWN SANITY.
congrats on day 6. Be proud and happy about that, never mind the "relapse" that you cannot change.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Originally Posted by Tetra 
I often go to my parents at the weekend. I feel like I have no control over my life. I spend my time following orders really.
You do have control and when you take the control things will get better.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
I say stop going to your parents' house. Just don't go there. If your father wants to see you, he can come to your grandmother's or a neutral location. I will go so far as to say you should CUT YOUR MOTHER OUT OF YOUR LIFE ENTIRELY.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
I think gilmer is bang on tetra.
this is just so incredibly unhealthy, toxic...bad. I don't see you finding any peace within yourself, not long term, not with her around to constantly berate you and drag you down. You need to cut her off. I'd be interested to see how well you do after a period of time away from her.
this is just so incredibly unhealthy, toxic...bad. I don't see you finding any peace within yourself, not long term, not with her around to constantly berate you and drag you down. You need to cut her off. I'd be interested to see how well you do after a period of time away from her.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Originally Posted by Tetra
My mother mentions it constantly.
I often go to my parents at the weekend. I feel like I have no control over my life. I spend my time following orders really.
Do things get better?
I often go to my parents at the weekend. I feel like I have no control over my life. I spend my time following orders really.
Do things get better?
You are 34, not a child. She will keep treating you like a child as long as you allow her to.
You have control over your own life but you have to take that control and stop being a victim.
Yes, things do get better but you have to take control back of YOUR life and stop letting others control you.
New Life Sober
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Noblesville, IN
Posts: 777
Tetra you are not alone in this world. We all seem that it is, but being strong and putting your chin up could help you figure what you need to do next.
You can fight this and just remember that this place here, could be a home to relax and get things off your chest.
I think it will be good for you not to go visit them, let them visit you. Is your mother house is the same house you grew up in?
You can fight this and just remember that this place here, could be a home to relax and get things off your chest.
I think it will be good for you not to go visit them, let them visit you. Is your mother house is the same house you grew up in?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Tetra - please look at how far you have come in the last few years.
You have completed your studies.
You went through a recruitment and interview process.
You have a job.
You have moved out of your parents.
Whenever your mum starts going on about your addiction, just remind her of how far you have come since those early days that were so hard. Remind yourself too.
I personally think you need to get busier and spend time with people more your own age.
Being busy etc would give you less time to think about all the things that get you down - your mum, your drinking, the out of control feeling, not having your own place.
I think that its great to have a good relationship with your parents.
I think it is great to spend time with your parents.....
But, I think you need to pull back from your parents. Take more control of yourself.
They are too involved with you. You are too involved with them.
I also wonder if you actually fear them not taking an active, strict role in your life?
That you might struggle without them?
And thats why you phone them when you have had a drink and when you stay with them at weekends?
Forgive me if I am wrong, but you always seem very drawn back to them, despite their controlling nature which you hate.
At the this point in your life, you should be ringing your parents every couple of days to check they are okay, let them know YOU are okay and let them know you are doing what you want to do and what that involves.
You have ticked a lot of things off that needed sorting out. Your employment, your drinking, where you live. But you really need to sort out your relationship with your parents.
Your parents should also be enjoying life together now too and doing things together.
However I get the impression they do nothing but worry about you?
That must be difficult for them too.
You have completed your studies.
You went through a recruitment and interview process.
You have a job.
You have moved out of your parents.
Whenever your mum starts going on about your addiction, just remind her of how far you have come since those early days that were so hard. Remind yourself too.
I personally think you need to get busier and spend time with people more your own age.
Being busy etc would give you less time to think about all the things that get you down - your mum, your drinking, the out of control feeling, not having your own place.
I think that its great to have a good relationship with your parents.
I think it is great to spend time with your parents.....
But, I think you need to pull back from your parents. Take more control of yourself.
They are too involved with you. You are too involved with them.
I also wonder if you actually fear them not taking an active, strict role in your life?
That you might struggle without them?
And thats why you phone them when you have had a drink and when you stay with them at weekends?
Forgive me if I am wrong, but you always seem very drawn back to them, despite their controlling nature which you hate.
At the this point in your life, you should be ringing your parents every couple of days to check they are okay, let them know YOU are okay and let them know you are doing what you want to do and what that involves.
You have ticked a lot of things off that needed sorting out. Your employment, your drinking, where you live. But you really need to sort out your relationship with your parents.
Your parents should also be enjoying life together now too and doing things together.
However I get the impression they do nothing but worry about you?
That must be difficult for them too.
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