ugh what a wreck I left behind me

Old 02-10-2015, 09:54 PM
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ugh what a wreck I left behind me

I won't lie I am pretty sad today. Not as bad as I was last week, but I am sad. Just got sucker punched by a few things today................

I had an awesome processing session with EMDR yesterday. We focused on my fear of being "seen", and the awful feeling that I have always had like Im screaming in a crowded room but no one can hear me. How I feel hopeless and worthless a lot of the time. We started with my worst bullying event in 7th grade (basically the shower scene from Carrie. I was cornered by all the other 7th grade girls in the locker room and was screamed at for, I dont know how long. It always seemed like FOREVER.) From there it worked back to stuff from 6th grade, then to my father mocking me that, "the girls are so meeeeean to me" to him finding me cutting and screaming that I'll go to hell for this. Then we used what physical sensation I was feeling and pairing it with the statement, "I am worthy". Suddenly I felt lighter and images of positive, affirming things mostly at work filled my mind. T asked me how I felt, "lighter" was the best way I could describe it. She asked me to focus on the feeling of lightness and how all the weight was lifting off of me. I imagined myself just coughing up black stuff like John Coffey in the Green Mile. I mentioned to her how I have always felt like Atreyu, stuck in the swap of sadness and she asked me to go there. And I was. After awhile, instead of Falcor's huge paw coming to rescue me, a hand started pulling me out. And when I looked up at the face..........it was my face looking back at me. Powerful stuff, that. It was overwhelming.

So today..............marriage counselling. I mentioned the fact I was triggered by RAH's extreme reluctance to take our younger dog to the emergency vet on Sunday after he was throwing up all Saturday and lethargic and dehydrated. And how I was triggered that he was kind of abrupt with the vet tech when we were outlining what we wanted done with Lemmy. And then how I was upset that he decided to go to a Capitals game with his dad while I was home with a sick dog (mind you all of this happened AFTER I came home from a 12 hour overnight shift and I was exhausted). And yep.......all that is because I am SO AFRAID to come out and say what I need (someone to watch the dog so I can sleep) that I just expect people to be mind readers. I am afaid they will get angry at me. And then I expressed how upset I was that RAH can just buy new stuff for himself without thinking, where I never buy things for myself and if I do, its all from WalMart so its cheap. So I never can spend any money on myself. I am afraid to do nice things for myself because I dont think I am worth it. I have a task from the T to do something nice for myself this weekend. Something that I like.

DAMMIT I dont KNOW what I like. Not anymore. I have been so worried about everyone else. Trying to please everyone else. Trying not to be seen so I wont rock the boat. This all makes me so sad. Not depressed, but grief stricken for this sham of a life I have built.

I feel crazier than him. He knows what he likes. He has interests and hobbies. I dont have anything. I have just been existing, bending to whatever shape other people need or want me to be in.

I went to go look at a room (well actually a basement) tonight near work. I was nice. The rent was reasonable, its furnished and month to month. The lady that owns the house is a little weird. I have another place to look at this weekend. RAH was not too thrilled I went to look at that place. I didnt tell him I was going. He's all, "I dont know what your plans are anymore" I think this is becoming real to him. Does it really matter what my plans are? They are MY plans. And dammit I didnt tell him because I was too afraid to make him mad. WTF is wrong with me? I do this stuff on INSTINCT. It makes me very, very sad.
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Old 02-10-2015, 10:03 PM
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Terp you sound like you're having good realizations about your situation AND starting to help yourself get out of a place where you've been stuck for a long time. Pat yourself on the back.
I had to laugh when you wrote that your AH complained about not knowing what your plans are; my AH said the same thing to me today when I mentioned that I signed up for a meditation class (without consulting him first--horrors). My reaction was like yours--does it really matter what my plans are? In my case, he's rarely home, and i have the childcare figured out so . . . as you said, they are MY plans.
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Old 02-10-2015, 10:04 PM
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Hey TG,

Awareness is a huge step, and you've just become aware of a lot of things. Be easy on yourself, and just keep being aware. For what it's worth, I agree that you don't need to share your plans with him. And, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect courteous and thoughtful behavior from your spouse even though you may not have communicated your exact needs at the time. Apparently, it is unreasonable to expect it from him though. Please don't accept the blame for his unacceptable behavior regarding the dog.

Hugs,
Fathom
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Old 02-10-2015, 11:01 PM
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Hi Terp. I encourage you to be clear about what you need or want from him Years ago I read somewhere that men are much happier when their SO just tells them directly what they want.
If he reacts with anger, or by ignoring you, well that's another story and might be raised in counselling, but at least you've given him a chance.
The EMDR sounds awesome.
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Old 02-11-2015, 12:27 AM
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
Years ago I read somewhere that men are much happier when their SO just tells them directly what they want.
As a guy I can confirm this. My mind reading is bad really bad.
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Old 02-11-2015, 05:25 AM
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Hi Terp,

Hope the right housing situation pops up soon!
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Old 02-11-2015, 05:32 AM
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I hear you that you are sad, but it sounds like you are actually making great progress in therapy. I absolutely understand where you are coming from in being afraid to state what you need - I do the same. It was worse when I was married to XAH because when I did attempt to do so, there was some type of passive-aggressive response or often it was simply ignored. I still struggle with how to do that.
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Old 02-11-2015, 05:36 AM
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DAMMIT I dont KNOW what I like. Not anymore. I have been so worried about everyone else. Trying to please everyone else. Trying not to be seen so I wont rock the boat. This all makes me so sad. Not depressed, but grief stricken for this sham of a life I have built.

I feel crazier than him. He knows what he likes. He has interests and hobbies. I dont have anything. I have just been existing, bending to whatever shape other people need or want me to be in.
This was an issue for me for a time also. I'd been so consumed by XAH's needs and issues, and kids and work, that I completely lost any passions for anything else. What I did was look to other people that I admired -- what were they doing that made me feel little pangs in my heart?

I started knitting again. I got a bike. I started spending time outside. I toI threw a party -- now just one of many parties. I wanted to do anything that made my cup feel full, but mostly it revolved around being creative, being physically active, and meeting dozens of new people (in a non-dating scenario).

The bike was major for me. ANYTHING can be your bike, but this is why it helped me. I was exercising, I was spending a lot of time outdoors in the fresh air and sunshine, I was meeting other bike people, I was thinking about all this stuff while working my way to physical exhaustion, I was using it as a way to spend time with my kids, I was using it as a reason to travel and try new things, I was suddenly interacting with my neighborhood and environment in a new way. I liked to trail ride and cruise along at an easy pace with a canopy of trees over my head. It turns out there is a name for this and how it helps our mental health: forest bathing. It felt AMAZING. I'm not an athlete. I'm a divorced mother of two, fifty lbs overweight, kind of a diva about my hair and nails, but today I don't think a thing of strapping on some stretchy pants and taking a fifty mile ride.

All of this is really about what makes you feel good and who you want to be. Therapy and EMDR are wiping your slate clean, so you, TerpGal, can be any TerpGal you want to be, now and in the future. What do you want your future self to look like? It's something fun to meditate on. Think of it less of a challenge, and more of an adventure. <3
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Old 02-11-2015, 06:38 AM
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To me reading your post and not knowing you looks like you took a BIG step in healing and towards happiness. I think it was Oprah who said something like "When you know better, you do better." Now that you know what you need to change to feel better you will work towards it and that's all any of us can do. "And knowing is half the battle" (Ninja Turtle quote? Lol! What is it with me and quotes today?

I'm sorry you are sad but don't be sad too long. Right now, treat yourself just like you would treat a friend who was feeling like you are...with tender loving care.

Hugs, Kari
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Old 02-11-2015, 06:47 AM
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KatiSue....actually, it was Maya Angelou who gave Oprah that advice and she often repeated it on the air. But, I am pretty sure that Maya did not coin it...I can remember hearing that said when I was growing up.
I wonder if anyone really knows where it origionated.
No matter.....I think it is a very good saying...

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Old 02-11-2015, 06:49 AM
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Originally Posted by TerpGal View Post
I have just been existing, bending to whatever shape other people need or want me to be in.
related to this very much. but after i came to this realization is when i changed the behavior and grabbed life for me...

i applaud you - huuuuge growth! be kind to yourself. processing new understanding is an important part of the healing and growth. you're awesome!
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Old 02-11-2015, 08:33 AM
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I can so relate to what you wrote..."so afraid to come out and say what I need"..
that is soooo me! I call it, "I don't want to rock the boat". I have been married to my AH for 1 1/2 years...before that I was in a relationship for 12 years with an A...and he was a compulsive gambler...he would go off on me on a regular basis..I do not do well with conflict so I would just keep things inside and say, "everything is fine" when it wasn't...not a good way to live...and certainly not a good way to be a partner...I am still trying to improve on this with my current AH...I went to therapy yesterday for the first time in months...she said that I needed to write things down when I felt I was withholding my feelings...or trying to not "rock the boat". I also have learned I do need to be upfront with my AH...not be afraid of his reaction...it is hard though..good for you for looking at a new place...it is a step in the right direction. thanks for your posting. it has helped me..
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Old 02-11-2015, 09:49 AM
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(((Terp)))
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Old 02-11-2015, 12:20 PM
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Ugh and the dog is still sick. He has a temp now. He got basically the same treatment today (sub q fluids, anti nausea shot) plus antibiotics and prescription canned food for half of what the e vet cost (and he didn't get sent home with any meds or food there). I am so worried about him. I trust our vet though. I hope he does well and if I have to take him back, I hope one of the more experienced doctors (that he knows and loves) will see him. This is the last damn thing I need right now.
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Old 02-11-2015, 12:55 PM
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Sorry to hear about Lemmy being so sick.

Your post had some familiar rings to it. I know it sucks right now but it does seem like you are heading in the right direction and making progress.

I was in the same boat about not knowing what the heck I wanted etc. It took me over a year to really 'feel' like I had passion or interest in something. I decided to plant flowers. I like it and it has good memories attached. I could do it at home with small children running around. When I started it I was just going through the motions for a summer or two. I hung in there and did it just to say I had a hobby because it seemed so bland to have nothing. I really enjoy it now and it has been a really positive thing.

My winter project is daydreaming about re-doing my house. It has been a fun exercise to think about what I really like for a change. My current decorating method has been to take whatever picture someone gave me from their give away bin - and hang it on whatever nail was in the wall when I moved in

Your post also reminded me of something kind of funny. It was a 2-3 months after our divorce was final and he came to see the kids at my house. He said it was nice and to bad I couldn't buy something this nice for them. I got to say "I already bought it." The look on his face. Oh my. Few sentences have given me that much satisfaction.

Sounds like a very powerful therapy session. Good therapy is kind of like a good work out. Satisfying but hard work that wears you out!
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Old 02-11-2015, 02:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
It turns out there is a name for this and how it helps our mental health: forest bathing. It felt AMAZING.
Interesting. Maybe that's why I always felt so ALIVE being at Girl scout day camp every summer volunteering as a teen staff........hanging out in the woods all day. The only other place I have felt that alive is being in the ocean.

Originally Posted by Thumper View Post

I decided to plant flowers. I like it and it has good memories attached. I could do it at home with small children running around. When I started it I was just going through the motions for a summer or two. I hung in there and did it just to say I had a hobby because it seemed so bland to have nothing. I really enjoy it now and it has been a really positive thing.
I am addicted to gardening. Food gardening which mostly happens in the summer. I start my own seeds. When the Baker Creek catalog arrives in December I pore over it, for days usually. Not so much this year. I had too much internal chatter, and I'm not sure I will get to plant this year since we probably won't be in this house this summer.......although although not liveable, my childhood home has a huge yard with 4 garden patches dug by my mom over there............I daydream about that yard. Often. Speaking of which, it's time to get my seed buying on.
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Old 02-12-2015, 05:32 AM
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Hey, see? You do so have hobbies and interests.

Next time you get a free day, dig out of the snow, put a coat on, and see if you can find a short trail in a tall forest. Forest bathing - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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