Hi...may i vent?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,552
Hi...may i vent?
I am an alcoholic in recovery. I have almost five months sober. I live with my daughter and my active alcoholic boyfriend. I have said the serenity prayer at least 36 times this evening as he is drunk...again. I don't want to "nag" him or point it out, but I can't even understand him when he talks. He isn't a nasty drunk. He works, he is functional. He works for a family business and they are all drunks. He claimed he worked very hard today. Apparantly lifting up that can is exhausting. I fed him, and gave him a huge glass of iced tea. He is now passed out on the couch. At 7 pm at night. Like every night. I'm trying very hard to mind my own business but my blood is boiling...I believe I'm fighting a case of PMS on top of this. I've tried doing chores and cleaning, I have not really spoken to him. I am so tired of feeling alone. I am so tired of being accused of being the bad guy when all the rest of the fingers point back at him. I know how his mind works... I was there not that long ago. What else can I do to keep calm and not worry about what he is doing (keep in mind I am cranky too and tend to obsess this time of the month). I can't even focus. I'm holding in major rage. Thanks for listening.
Jennifer
Jennifer
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Jennifer,
First off, CONGRATS on your sober time!! I'm six years sober, myself, and I can't imagine getting sober while living with an active alcoholic. My drinking didn't take off until after my alcoholic marriages were over.
I know a lot of "double winners" who are in both AA and Al-Anon--many sober alcoholics have to recover from the effects of someone else's drinking. I hope you will (a) protect your own sobriety at all costs, and (b) check out Al-Anon as a way to get your own head on straight in terms of dealing with your b/f's drinking.
Hugs,
First off, CONGRATS on your sober time!! I'm six years sober, myself, and I can't imagine getting sober while living with an active alcoholic. My drinking didn't take off until after my alcoholic marriages were over.
I know a lot of "double winners" who are in both AA and Al-Anon--many sober alcoholics have to recover from the effects of someone else's drinking. I hope you will (a) protect your own sobriety at all costs, and (b) check out Al-Anon as a way to get your own head on straight in terms of dealing with your b/f's drinking.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Hi Jennifer;
I mostly post on this side--good to see you here.
Bottom line is his alcoholism is progressing.
Because he has a "job" and a place to live,
plus enabling from a drunken family, chances are
he will be able to spiral down a very good long way
with no real consequences.
You have decide if and for how long you will stay on the ride with him.
Peace of mind will most likely mean you have to give up any expectations of
either improvement or even maintaining the connection you have now with him.
If you can detach emotionally and find another focus when he's passed out and other things to do, you
may find a way to tolerate the amazingly lonely isolation that is living with a drunk, at least for awhile.
I know you love your mini-farm and animals, but the real concern I believe you have is your young daughter.
Your choice of putting up with him is certainly yours to make,
but are you comfortable with making that decision for her as well knowing the long-term
outcome, and how harmful growing up in such a situation can be?
She shouldn't be growing up with a violent alcoholic person in her home as
her parental role model and learning that this is the way a partner should be treated.
Maybe your anger underneath has something to do with that?
It is such a terrible situation, but you cannot make him stop drinking
unless he wants to, and you shortly have to face a choice that would make anyone angry.
I am so sorry it has come to this.
You deserve so much better, and I admire you greatly for
making that 5 months of sobriety happen under such adverse conditions.
You are truly a strong woman.
I mostly post on this side--good to see you here.
Bottom line is his alcoholism is progressing.
Because he has a "job" and a place to live,
plus enabling from a drunken family, chances are
he will be able to spiral down a very good long way
with no real consequences.
You have decide if and for how long you will stay on the ride with him.
Peace of mind will most likely mean you have to give up any expectations of
either improvement or even maintaining the connection you have now with him.
If you can detach emotionally and find another focus when he's passed out and other things to do, you
may find a way to tolerate the amazingly lonely isolation that is living with a drunk, at least for awhile.
I know you love your mini-farm and animals, but the real concern I believe you have is your young daughter.
Your choice of putting up with him is certainly yours to make,
but are you comfortable with making that decision for her as well knowing the long-term
outcome, and how harmful growing up in such a situation can be?
She shouldn't be growing up with a violent alcoholic person in her home as
her parental role model and learning that this is the way a partner should be treated.
Maybe your anger underneath has something to do with that?
It is such a terrible situation, but you cannot make him stop drinking
unless he wants to, and you shortly have to face a choice that would make anyone angry.
I am so sorry it has come to this.
You deserve so much better, and I admire you greatly for
making that 5 months of sobriety happen under such adverse conditions.
You are truly a strong woman.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,552
Nailed it Hawkeye. I know you have read my posts for a while now. It's good to see you here.
I managed to calm down. There seems to be no emotional connection to him right now. The longer I stay sober, the more ridiculous I find that I am putting up with this. Fighting won't fix it, talking about it won't fix it, nothing will fix it. I cannot fix him. I do not want my daughter to have to see this every night. And it's an awful lot of work hiding it from her. Tonight, we are having a camp out in mommys room, which is to her the coolest thing that has ever happened. To me it sucks. This frustrating feeling if being trapped, yuck, don't like it. I don't love him right now. Not one bit. I don't even like him. I can't do the poor me bit and "look at what this monster has done to our family" cuz I put him there. I was desparate to seek someone out worse than myself so I would look better. I dragged my poor daughter into this sick twisted life and now I have to figure out how to fix it. Four years of drunken choices...no...that's not right...twenty something years of drunken choices. Duh...jeez Jen u idiot. Time for bed.
Jennifer
I managed to calm down. There seems to be no emotional connection to him right now. The longer I stay sober, the more ridiculous I find that I am putting up with this. Fighting won't fix it, talking about it won't fix it, nothing will fix it. I cannot fix him. I do not want my daughter to have to see this every night. And it's an awful lot of work hiding it from her. Tonight, we are having a camp out in mommys room, which is to her the coolest thing that has ever happened. To me it sucks. This frustrating feeling if being trapped, yuck, don't like it. I don't love him right now. Not one bit. I don't even like him. I can't do the poor me bit and "look at what this monster has done to our family" cuz I put him there. I was desparate to seek someone out worse than myself so I would look better. I dragged my poor daughter into this sick twisted life and now I have to figure out how to fix it. Four years of drunken choices...no...that's not right...twenty something years of drunken choices. Duh...jeez Jen u idiot. Time for bed.
Jennifer
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Yes, now you have to figure out how to fix it. But here's the bright spot, you have 5 months under your belt and your thinking is straight. You realize that you have the POWER to fix it and the blessing of choice even if you don't have all the answers right now. You are moving in the right direction! Good luck!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,552
Good morning.
Up early to make sure I can get a talk in with AB before his "workday" begins. I asked him what is so special about a Tuesday night that he was that smashed. He told me there is no work so he's bored. Then proceeded to defend it (of course). He didn't drink that much..etc.
Before he could blame it on me and my sobriety, I remembered this happening last year due to weather and stated that to him. Last year I was drinking and it bothered me. I told him how I was scared of him and my daughter doesn't need to see this, if he is that bad every night he can stay at his dad's. That should buy me some time to research assistance programs for me. I refuse to leave my dog here. So I need a place that will take him, me and my daughter. I know I can find one. I managed to live in two places with my dog. Of course I was paying for it. I used to make a lot of money. Used to...lol. If I can make it until summer, that would be ideal. Without the stress of school. Just talking it out. Thanks guys.
Jennifer
Up early to make sure I can get a talk in with AB before his "workday" begins. I asked him what is so special about a Tuesday night that he was that smashed. He told me there is no work so he's bored. Then proceeded to defend it (of course). He didn't drink that much..etc.
Before he could blame it on me and my sobriety, I remembered this happening last year due to weather and stated that to him. Last year I was drinking and it bothered me. I told him how I was scared of him and my daughter doesn't need to see this, if he is that bad every night he can stay at his dad's. That should buy me some time to research assistance programs for me. I refuse to leave my dog here. So I need a place that will take him, me and my daughter. I know I can find one. I managed to live in two places with my dog. Of course I was paying for it. I used to make a lot of money. Used to...lol. If I can make it until summer, that would be ideal. Without the stress of school. Just talking it out. Thanks guys.
Jennifer
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
I have pretty much always had at least one very large dog and I know what you mean
about finding a place where you can have them, and also
about not going without them.
It sounds like a plan is forming, and you realize you really aren't stuck for good--
That's progress
about finding a place where you can have them, and also
about not going without them.
It sounds like a plan is forming, and you realize you really aren't stuck for good--
That's progress
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi Jennifer.. you hold tight to this group of ladies and gents.. we may not always have the correct answer but we all have been in your shoes.. hugs prayers and keep trying you will get there.. ardy..
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Jen....you know I am so proud of you! You have been through some major stress and maintained your own sobriety....you rock!
So....what are you getting out of this relationship?? First he told you he worked so hard. Then it's he's bored. It's all excuses. Just remember, when your blood boils, that eventually this will carry over to your daughter, living in all of this chaos.
Tight hugs, I am glad you posted. XXX
So....what are you getting out of this relationship?? First he told you he worked so hard. Then it's he's bored. It's all excuses. Just remember, when your blood boils, that eventually this will carry over to your daughter, living in all of this chaos.
Tight hugs, I am glad you posted. XXX
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