update-
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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update-
So...... a lot has happened.
First of all- the no contact order was dropped. I didn't have anything to do with it, but I notified the sheriff and asked him if he would just make a few extra rounds by the house in the evening. Told him AH still isn't allowed to come home. I think AH had his lawyer drop the no contact. (?)
AH and I took the kids to the wildlife park and we all sat down to eat. The kids and I had a LONG talk before, and they all wanted to see him, so I relented.
AH sat us all down and explained to us ALL how he wanted to be better for us. He told the kids they deserved a better father. How nothing that happened was THEIR fault. He told them he loved them all and how he let them down and how sorry he was. He told them how their mother didn't deserve to be treated that way and he didn't expect to be forgiven. He just wanted them to know that he was aware that his actions were wrong.
I was a little suprised...but I'm also still thinking of the hoover sucking me back in. So I am skeptical.
I spoke with his on the phone for 4 1/2 hours!!! He is hitting three meetings a day, he had his first meeting with a CD counselor today, and spent 4 hours at a restaurant with his sponsor (yes, he got a sponsor).
He said he was really treated like a criminal in jail and he didn't like it. He said no one treated him like it was his first offense. He said all the inmates didn't care about life and wore their jail time like badges of honor. He said he was disgraced to be associated with those types of people. He said no one likes a drunk wife beater and that is exactly what he is. He said he wants to come home but he understands why he can't and he is glad I called the police on him because he is out of control.
He went to the doctor yesterday (without prompting) and asked for an anti-depressant. He told the doctor he fell off the wagon and beat his wife up. (wow)
He said the biggest thing that got to him was when he went to AA and told them all what happened. He said he was shocked at their response because he realized that I (his wife) had choices. They asked him "is she going to take you back?" He said he had never really thought about that-- that I *could* leave. He said it really hit him that he had everything to lose. He said in jail everyone just griped about their spouses and how pissed off they were that they called the police on them.
He said he realized that he has to work the recovery for HIMSELF and he needs to live it EVERYDAY.
My response to all of this? I simply said-- the kids and I need to be safe. We do love you, but we need safety and we are running low on patience. I told him God has shown me that I don't have to live like this anymore and that I have my own recovery to work on.
I told him that I admire his words, and can't wait to see him put them into action! HA!! I'm so proud of me. I told him that I told EVERYONE what happened. I could tell he WANTED to get mad at that-- but he didn't.
So..... SR family, I guess we'll see.
I am being very careful- so please trust me on that. I'm not going to allow anything to happen that will put me in an unsafe position again. The sheriff is on stand by and will be over in a heartbeat if I or one of the kids calls. All the kids have cell phones and they know that if dad gets "scary" and I am not in a position to call- that they will. But I have changed the locks and he does not have a key. Doors stayed locked all the time now, even when we are home.
He also said that he will take the duluth classes (domestic violence recovery). He told me he is becoming more aware of how his insecurities are hurting me because he is so jealous, controlling, and verbally abusive.
He has not said A LOT of this stuff before-- I know he may be changing tactics. I'm not blind to this. My eyes are open. But I FEEL like something has changed in him. I can't put my finger on it, but SOMETHING is different. I guess only time will tell. I explained to the kids that we need the proof first and they agreed.
I know a lot of you guys are VERY skeptical and nervous for me. You may feel like I am not safe. Please trust me when I say, my eyes are open. I will be waiting and keep all safe gaurds in place. He is still not allowed back in the home and I have NOT agreed to ANYTHING other than continuing to work my OWN recovery.
First of all- the no contact order was dropped. I didn't have anything to do with it, but I notified the sheriff and asked him if he would just make a few extra rounds by the house in the evening. Told him AH still isn't allowed to come home. I think AH had his lawyer drop the no contact. (?)
AH and I took the kids to the wildlife park and we all sat down to eat. The kids and I had a LONG talk before, and they all wanted to see him, so I relented.
AH sat us all down and explained to us ALL how he wanted to be better for us. He told the kids they deserved a better father. How nothing that happened was THEIR fault. He told them he loved them all and how he let them down and how sorry he was. He told them how their mother didn't deserve to be treated that way and he didn't expect to be forgiven. He just wanted them to know that he was aware that his actions were wrong.
I was a little suprised...but I'm also still thinking of the hoover sucking me back in. So I am skeptical.
I spoke with his on the phone for 4 1/2 hours!!! He is hitting three meetings a day, he had his first meeting with a CD counselor today, and spent 4 hours at a restaurant with his sponsor (yes, he got a sponsor).
He said he was really treated like a criminal in jail and he didn't like it. He said no one treated him like it was his first offense. He said all the inmates didn't care about life and wore their jail time like badges of honor. He said he was disgraced to be associated with those types of people. He said no one likes a drunk wife beater and that is exactly what he is. He said he wants to come home but he understands why he can't and he is glad I called the police on him because he is out of control.
He went to the doctor yesterday (without prompting) and asked for an anti-depressant. He told the doctor he fell off the wagon and beat his wife up. (wow)
He said the biggest thing that got to him was when he went to AA and told them all what happened. He said he was shocked at their response because he realized that I (his wife) had choices. They asked him "is she going to take you back?" He said he had never really thought about that-- that I *could* leave. He said it really hit him that he had everything to lose. He said in jail everyone just griped about their spouses and how pissed off they were that they called the police on them.
He said he realized that he has to work the recovery for HIMSELF and he needs to live it EVERYDAY.
My response to all of this? I simply said-- the kids and I need to be safe. We do love you, but we need safety and we are running low on patience. I told him God has shown me that I don't have to live like this anymore and that I have my own recovery to work on.
I told him that I admire his words, and can't wait to see him put them into action! HA!! I'm so proud of me. I told him that I told EVERYONE what happened. I could tell he WANTED to get mad at that-- but he didn't.
So..... SR family, I guess we'll see.
I am being very careful- so please trust me on that. I'm not going to allow anything to happen that will put me in an unsafe position again. The sheriff is on stand by and will be over in a heartbeat if I or one of the kids calls. All the kids have cell phones and they know that if dad gets "scary" and I am not in a position to call- that they will. But I have changed the locks and he does not have a key. Doors stayed locked all the time now, even when we are home.
He also said that he will take the duluth classes (domestic violence recovery). He told me he is becoming more aware of how his insecurities are hurting me because he is so jealous, controlling, and verbally abusive.
He has not said A LOT of this stuff before-- I know he may be changing tactics. I'm not blind to this. My eyes are open. But I FEEL like something has changed in him. I can't put my finger on it, but SOMETHING is different. I guess only time will tell. I explained to the kids that we need the proof first and they agreed.
I know a lot of you guys are VERY skeptical and nervous for me. You may feel like I am not safe. Please trust me when I say, my eyes are open. I will be waiting and keep all safe gaurds in place. He is still not allowed back in the home and I have NOT agreed to ANYTHING other than continuing to work my OWN recovery.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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free.....you are smart to keep an eye on the hoover nozzel. Some are sooo good at saying all the "right" things. They pick up fast o n the "recovery speak" and seem to know exactly what everyone wants to hear.
Keep in mind that he has been very delusional surrounding issues of infidelity and that the abuse "wiring goes very deep". These things are not give to overnight eradication.
I think it is very telling that it never even occured to him that you could leave....WOW!
I know that you just said it...but, keep in mind that y ou are under absolutely NO obligation to resume the relationship. NO FOG-- Fear;Obligation;Guilt.
You sound strong, right now. Cling to your abuse counselor and support group like barnacles to a ship...LOL!
dandylion
Keep in mind that he has been very delusional surrounding issues of infidelity and that the abuse "wiring goes very deep". These things are not give to overnight eradication.
I think it is very telling that it never even occured to him that you could leave....WOW!
I know that you just said it...but, keep in mind that y ou are under absolutely NO obligation to resume the relationship. NO FOG-- Fear;Obligation;Guilt.
You sound strong, right now. Cling to your abuse counselor and support group like barnacles to a ship...LOL!
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Yes. I am not getting sucked back in. I really am not.
OTHO-- This is nice-- I'm going to enjoy the peace.
I know what A LOT of you are thinking and believe me, I am thinking the same thing. I still have my note card and I still look at it. I still am not buying the BS--- I'm just relaying what he said. Nothing has changed on this end. I am still sticking with the 6 months to a year of sobriety and NO abuse. Period, end of story.
I have not put the rose colored glasses on. I'm just allowing myself the peace to focus on other things right now.
For once in my life- he is not the FIRST thing on my mind. HE IS THE ONE HAVING TO CHANGE- and I'm not making myself change for him--- that is the first time I have ever done that.
So regardless of his WORDS ( and that's all they are right now is words)-- my resolve is still set. It was only a little over a week ago that he grabbed me by the throat and threw me up againt a wall. I have NOT forgotten that.
I'm not planning a future that involves him. In fact, I'm not planning my future at ALL. I'm just going to enjoy each day and soak up every ray of sunshine that I possibly can. Right now I feel like I'm in control of MY situation and for the first time in forever, I realized that I've ALWAYS been in control of myself.
As long as AH isn't hurting me or the kids, then it is not my problem. I will not be rude to him and I will tell him "good job" when he is looking for encouragement...but I'm not going to blow sunshine up his ass and I'm not going to be his motivational speaker.
.........I had a 19 year old ask me out on a date today!! HA!! He is sooooo cute!! He looks like kevin Bacon in his footloose days. It was flattering....
He is in my math class and I was working on a problem with my group, which he was in. I was the last one to finish working the problem and I told everyone (jokingly) to quit staring at me because it was making me nervous. He said "well if you didn't look so good, maybe I wouldn't stare"
Had to reinforce the fact that I'm 32!!!! He said age doesn't matter...HA! I said....uh yeah...yeah it does when you're 19 and plus I'm married. He said, but maybe your not married in your heart.....he he.....
It was flattering, but obviously inappropriate.
I'm going to be ok guys. I got this. I feel strong and I feel like I know the hoover technique well enough to not get sucked in.
OTHO-- This is nice-- I'm going to enjoy the peace.
I know what A LOT of you are thinking and believe me, I am thinking the same thing. I still have my note card and I still look at it. I still am not buying the BS--- I'm just relaying what he said. Nothing has changed on this end. I am still sticking with the 6 months to a year of sobriety and NO abuse. Period, end of story.
I have not put the rose colored glasses on. I'm just allowing myself the peace to focus on other things right now.
For once in my life- he is not the FIRST thing on my mind. HE IS THE ONE HAVING TO CHANGE- and I'm not making myself change for him--- that is the first time I have ever done that.
So regardless of his WORDS ( and that's all they are right now is words)-- my resolve is still set. It was only a little over a week ago that he grabbed me by the throat and threw me up againt a wall. I have NOT forgotten that.
I'm not planning a future that involves him. In fact, I'm not planning my future at ALL. I'm just going to enjoy each day and soak up every ray of sunshine that I possibly can. Right now I feel like I'm in control of MY situation and for the first time in forever, I realized that I've ALWAYS been in control of myself.
As long as AH isn't hurting me or the kids, then it is not my problem. I will not be rude to him and I will tell him "good job" when he is looking for encouragement...but I'm not going to blow sunshine up his ass and I'm not going to be his motivational speaker.
.........I had a 19 year old ask me out on a date today!! HA!! He is sooooo cute!! He looks like kevin Bacon in his footloose days. It was flattering....
He is in my math class and I was working on a problem with my group, which he was in. I was the last one to finish working the problem and I told everyone (jokingly) to quit staring at me because it was making me nervous. He said "well if you didn't look so good, maybe I wouldn't stare"
Had to reinforce the fact that I'm 32!!!! He said age doesn't matter...HA! I said....uh yeah...yeah it does when you're 19 and plus I'm married. He said, but maybe your not married in your heart.....he he.....
It was flattering, but obviously inappropriate.
I'm going to be ok guys. I got this. I feel strong and I feel like I know the hoover technique well enough to not get sucked in.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
4.5 hours on the phone is a loooong time to give an A under your circumstances... As you have noted words and promises are meaningless when a criminal case looms over his head. He needs you to drop charges and he will do or say anything to convince he is morphing into Prince Charming before your eyes!
Time will tell... Don't back down on boundaries... Prayers your way.
Time will tell... Don't back down on boundaries... Prayers your way.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Free. You are clearly a very smart woman. If brains was all it took none of us would be here. Continue to keep your eyes open. It is good to soak up the sun but remember he is not the sun. He is still very much a storm cloud. You've had a picnic and a 4+ hour phone conversation with a man that threw you around like a rag doll a week ago. The hoover is in full force.
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Originally Posted by Hopeworks 
4.5 hours on the phone is a loooong time to give an A under your circumstances... As you have noted words and promises are meaningless when a criminal case looms over his head. He needs you to drop charges and he will do or say anything to convince he is morphing into Prince Charming before your eyes!
Time will tell... Don't back down on boundaries... Prayers your way.
Time will tell... Don't back down on boundaries... Prayers your way.
My eyes are open.
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I spent 4.5 hours on the phone because I wanted to. I went to the park with the kids because THEY and I wanted to.
These have all been MY choices. And right now, I FEEL in control....so I guess at I feel good about recognizing the hoover. I remember the violence, I remember the abuse, and so do the kids. Right now, AH remembers it too.
I guess only time will tell. And for now we are safe. I'm not being abused and he is not in my house.
I understand the caution and I understand that the likelihood of this man changing is nill....but I ALSO understand that this is MY choice and my choice right now is to allow very very limited contact.
The 4.5 hours on the phone could have easily ended with a *click*--I practiced that when he was in treatment.
I'm getting the hang of this, guys. I am not all googly eyed and diving back in. In fact, I'm continuing to back away.
We all know he will most likely fail with the six month sobriety thing. We all know the percentage of success is very very low. I have not forgotten that. My boundaries are in place.
I just don't feel it is right to sit here and pick apart his words (I'd be just like him if I did that). I'm not getting all worked up over it....I'm more like "yep, ok.... now SHOW ME" ya know?
These have all been MY choices. And right now, I FEEL in control....so I guess at I feel good about recognizing the hoover. I remember the violence, I remember the abuse, and so do the kids. Right now, AH remembers it too.
I guess only time will tell. And for now we are safe. I'm not being abused and he is not in my house.
I understand the caution and I understand that the likelihood of this man changing is nill....but I ALSO understand that this is MY choice and my choice right now is to allow very very limited contact.
The 4.5 hours on the phone could have easily ended with a *click*--I practiced that when he was in treatment.
I'm getting the hang of this, guys. I am not all googly eyed and diving back in. In fact, I'm continuing to back away.
We all know he will most likely fail with the six month sobriety thing. We all know the percentage of success is very very low. I have not forgotten that. My boundaries are in place.
I just don't feel it is right to sit here and pick apart his words (I'd be just like him if I did that). I'm not getting all worked up over it....I'm more like "yep, ok.... now SHOW ME" ya know?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yes, I would keep those conversations VERY brief--there will be plenty of time to discuss your relationship and how sorry he is and how much he hurt you and the kids and all that once he is done with his criminal case and done with his batterers' program and deep into his lifelong recovery work. There is NOTHING to be gained by having those discussions right now, and a lot to lose. It's human nature to keep opening the oven door to see how the cake is coming along, but in this case, not only might the cake be as half-baked as he is, the oven could actually explode.
Are you POSITIVE the order was dropped? Did you confirm it, and find out why? Seriously, free--it's important to understand every aspect of what's going on. I know you have a lot on your plate with school and the kids, but knowledge is power. This is your LIFE, and you should know what decisions are being made, by whom, and on what basis.
I'm glad you are planning to be careful, but careful isn't always enough. I felt a lot better about things when you had that bail condition in place. No matter how sincere his intentions right now--let's assume the best for the sake of argument--he is ONE DRINK away from being the same raging, delusional, dangerous drunken abuser that you saw a week ago.
Are you POSITIVE the order was dropped? Did you confirm it, and find out why? Seriously, free--it's important to understand every aspect of what's going on. I know you have a lot on your plate with school and the kids, but knowledge is power. This is your LIFE, and you should know what decisions are being made, by whom, and on what basis.
I'm glad you are planning to be careful, but careful isn't always enough. I felt a lot better about things when you had that bail condition in place. No matter how sincere his intentions right now--let's assume the best for the sake of argument--he is ONE DRINK away from being the same raging, delusional, dangerous drunken abuser that you saw a week ago.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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I believe your eyes are open, FTS. You sound very strong and just because he's saying things you'd like to hear, you are waiting to see those words put into action. This is all good, and it's good that you still come here and keep us posted on what is going on. Also, your kids know the real story now, so they will also help keep you focused.
I wish the best for you, regardless of whether that includes him or not. (((HUGS)))
I wish the best for you, regardless of whether that includes him or not. (((HUGS)))
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Yes, lexi- I called the courthouse. It HAS been lifted. I called the sheriff RIGHT away. He has my phone call to him documented. AH has agreed to not even come to the house and there is no reason why he should. My house is 30 miles out of the big town that his place is.
He understands that if he comes to the house, the sheriff will be called IMMEDIATELY.
I am in constant contact with the sheriff. My house is actually right across the street from the county courthouse and the window of his office faces my house. So he said he will keep an eye on the house when I'm not there and the kids are at school. This is a guy who calls me when my dog breaks out of the yard.
He told AH when AH apologized to him that he doesn't want to see him around town at all...so I am pretty sure AH gets the picture. No I'm not messing around. I'm not compromising safety. I PROMISE
He understands that if he comes to the house, the sheriff will be called IMMEDIATELY.
I am in constant contact with the sheriff. My house is actually right across the street from the county courthouse and the window of his office faces my house. So he said he will keep an eye on the house when I'm not there and the kids are at school. This is a guy who calls me when my dog breaks out of the yard.
He told AH when AH apologized to him that he doesn't want to see him around town at all...so I am pretty sure AH gets the picture. No I'm not messing around. I'm not compromising safety. I PROMISE
A work in progress
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OK, but it's my privilege as a mom to worry. I'd still like to know WHY and HOW it was dropped. My feeling is that you should have had an opportunity to be heard on a decision like that. I'm thinking you should have the prosecutor out there bring me and my posse out there for a little educatin'.
Stay safe and keep us updated, and PLEASE consider limiting your conversations with him right now to the absolute bare minimum regarding HIS kids.
I'd still like to know WHY and HOW it was dropped. My feeling is that you should have had an opportunity to be heard on a decision like that. I'm thinking you should have the prosecutor out there bring me and my posse out there for a little educatin'.Stay safe and keep us updated, and PLEASE consider limiting your conversations with him right now to the absolute bare minimum regarding HIS kids.
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At any rate-- I did know that I would get very skeptical responses from my SR family. But I also know that they are based out of love and concern. And I do take your advice very seriously. I trust everyone's judgement so much here and thank you all for all the time you take to read my threads and giving me encouragement.
I love you all so much
I love you all so much
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