JustAYak

I just need to say something.

There are a few facts about my life that I need to come to understand:

• I have been horribly mistreated by my father;
• I have been ignored, pushed aside, and otherwise abused by my mother;
• When I was a kid, people turned a blind eye simply because they didn't want to get involved in the matter;
• And I feel at fault for a lot of it.

These are the facts that I will eventually accept:

• My father hated me because he hated himself;
• My mother forgot about me because she couldn't get past my father;
• The people who ignored the problem were probably just as horrified at the time as I was, but didn't know what to do;
• And I didn't deserve any of it.

I am struggling tonight with a lot of PTSD related things and am having to remind myself that I did not deserve it...it was not my doing. I didn't ask for it. What it really boils down to though, is that I'm worth more than the treatment I received as a child.

I know a lot of people here struggle with the same feelings. You are worth more than what you got too.

advbike

Thanks for that great post. We can't change our childhoods but we can accept and change ourselves.

suki44883

You are right, Jay...you do deserve more and better than what you got growing up. I am so, so sorry for the hell you went through. No child should be treated the way you were.

I know you are working hard to try to get past the past and I wish for you every good thing. I wish more than anything I could take away what has been done to you through absolutely no fault of your own; but I can't. Keep trying, Jay. I know you will make a good life for yourself, and you deserve that more than anything. (((HUGS)))

Lovenjoy

such a truism Jay, thank you. the little girl in me gives the little boy in you a big, warm, comforting hug tonight.

you are precious to me...

JustAYak

He needs that cause at the moment he's not able to get it from me, the adult. It's complicated...

airwick

Thanks!

happybeingme

A hug from me as well. When you don't feel strong enough we will be here and we will be strong for you.

You are a beautiful person and should have been loved.

(((HUGS)))

JustAYak

Why is it that I can live most of my life being detached from it and then the minute it is whole-heartedly admitted to someone, I can't go back to being detached... I am not a fan. This is hard.

Lovenjoy

it is hard Jay. but when we finally admit the feelings we never faced before we are on the way to letting them go rather than detaching from them imo. it is my hope you will be able to let them go. that was then, this is now... and you are safe. and you are loved. and you are doing the hard work to heal.

hang in there dude.

JustAYak

I don't really get how anybody can let this stuff go. I know I'm supposed to but I'm not at a place of understanding that yet. I'm angry about it. And sad about it. And everything but feeling forgiving...

maia1234

JAY- I am so sorry. No child should be treated that way. You have every right to feel angry and sad, and everything else. No one would listen at home, but they do here at SR. You got scrxewed. No question about it. Would you treat your child the way you were treated?? NO!!!

I will understand, one day you will get it, and maybe forgive people for the horrific childhood you had. You don't need to understand it today, tomorrow and the next. When you are ready, you will. What you are dealing with is totally normal. Keep reading, finding out there was so much abuse out there and it's just not fair, but you are not alone, and never will be again.

We all understand in our own way of what you have gone through. We validate it all. Take care of yourself, go to meetings keep reading SR, go to the newcomer and alcoholism forums and try and comprehend the horrible disease of alcoholism. We all care!!!!!

((((((((((hugs my friend)))))))))

JustAYak

Thanks Maia, I've actually been on this forum since 2009 and my dad was a heroin addict, not an alcoholic, but it's all the same really.

The atrocities that were done to me are nothing new or really out of the ordinary [for an abusive family]...I know many have experienced the same or worse things even. In all honesty, I find it hard to justify my angry/sad feelings about this. I feel guilty for being angry...or I feel guilty for even feeling the slightest amount of sorrow for myself and what I have been put through. It turns into thoughts of "What do I have to feel so bad about? I had a house to live in, I had food to eat (most of the time). I had the bare bones essentials to live... there are people that don't. I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. I shouldn't be angry that my father did this or that to me, people experience worse and I brought it on myself anyway."

I know it's sound stupid, that's how my mind works though. I'm not "allowed" those feelings. Especially feelings of sadness...I can't tell the difference between pitying myself and actually grieving a childhood. Is there a difference? Pity has a negative connotation...you're not supposed to pity yourself. Is that why we spin it and say we're "grieving" or is it really different? I struggle with this. I can't allow myself to feel these things, partly because I don't want to, but partly because I feel guilt and shame about it. Is that something else that was hardwired into us? How do I stop the madness?

I haven't slept well in a week... my girlfriend stayed over last night and I have a hard time sharing a bed. When she rolls up against me in the middle of the night I startle awake because I am on high alert for no freaking reason. Being dragged out of bed to receive some punishment or woken up in a brutal way by my dad was not uncommon for me as a kid... Half the time I slept underneath my bed because my dad would be so high he rarely thought to look there for me in his middle-of-the-night rampages, but I soon outgrew that space. There were even a couple times I slept outside under a tree in "our" backyard because I was either not allowed inside/kicked out of the house, or I was too afraid to go in at all (I say "our" because we lived in a duplex, so the yard was actually shared, hence my issues with the people who ignored such blatant issues). I am getting off point now, see how easy it is for me to just become enraptured with all of this?

I guess I just don't know how I'lll ever be "normal." There are so many memories just rolling around in my brain that it's like a system overload. I don't know what to do with this stuff. There is no place for it to go.

maia1234

I can see That you are the typical codie and enabler. You arent allowed to feel things and constantly think of others..you are not worthy to feel bad because there are others worse then you. Hello!!! Yes you are!!!

The only way u r going to move forward is by owning what happened to you. You are allowed to hate all these people who wronged you. Be pissed. Write them each letter and write down everything they did to you. Keep adding when you remember more. ( this is for your eyes only) Then u will have it all on paper.. this way u can never forget it but it doesn't need to take up space in your brain any more. you dont need go keep reliving it. It doesn't have to be your focus. When it's not a priority in your head anymore The pain lessons. Not saying you have to ever forgive them, but comprehend that they are as sick as you are right now. They will always be sick, but you want to get well..

You need to move forward. You need peace in your life. You will eventually let them go, with a lot of work on yourself. it's empowering to move on in your life. Take one day at a time. Write it down and see what happens. (((((( hugs and try and get a good night sleep)))))))

kudzujean

Great post, especially this:

chicory

(((Jay))) I just found this post.. I am so glad to see you putting it out there. I know that you don't know how it will work, but I believe that in time it will, even if you don't know how it did.

Those things should never happen to a precious child. You know how I feel about you, and what happened. I believe there is a difference in pity and grieving something which happened to you. Its perfectly acceptable to grieve these things. You are not pitying yourself, you are acknowledging that it hurts tremendously, to have been abused.
I think that you will become more comfortable with saying it out loud... and that finally.. you will admit to yourself that it was just that..abuse. not one bit your fault.

I am so sorry that you were the innocent victim of something so unfair. And nothing you did, in reaction to any of this, is your fault.

You are a tremendous human being, Jay-caring, seriously smart!, and loving. Great things in your future... you are doing the work you need to do, to take your power back, sweetie. I am proud of you. Its bound to be tough, but heaven knows, you are one tough cookie

love,
chic

happybeingme

Your feelings are absolutely normal. We sure are hardwired to dismiss and diminish our feelings. When we grow up in fear, never knowing if or when we can let our guards down, or when or if there will be something to eat it changes our brains.

But, with time, patience, and gentle kindness to ourselves we can get better. Will any of us ever become normal? I doubt it. But we can become happier, more stable and know peace.

What has helped me is looking at pictures of myself as a child and remembering that time. And imagining that that child is my child. Telling her I understand her pain, fear, and insecurities.

Keep sharing it helps

Kialua

I know the feeling well, hiding out, getting yanked out and beat for no reason, yelled at for saying anything and yelled at for saying nothing. Been there for 18 years. None of it makes sense and none of us deserved it. We can take as long as we want to stay mad, but it just keeps us in pain the whole time. I wish you well on your journey.

irisgardens

Jay--both thank you (for reminding me who I am...and also that...just today...have had another breakthrough on many of the things you mention...and that I am grateful to read this post today--last week wouldn't have worked--too many things that had come back (again)) and (((huggs))) - your share and the share of others here is the kind of share and authentic communication that I pray for always, but cannot always grasp--because I, like so many codies, 'hide' within.

Thank you especially for noting that when you finally get it out...you feel worse--because that is me too...and even with as much work as I have done on myself...had never seen it articulated that way...'other things in this thread as well...by you and all others'...and I am so grateful.

For me...letting go...after finally admitting something (no matter how small the awakening) is like living in hell sometimes...and am coming through a very bad and painful phase....no answers...but your share is a blessing.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

irisgardens

P.S.--Jay, just read the title of your thread again--'I Am Worth More Than This' and want to validate that...YOU ARE!!!

makomago

I think that letting this stuff go is part of a process.... part of the grieving process, the end result being acceptance.

During the process denial, anger, sadness etc etc are all part of the process. My experience is even the acceptance is not necessarily 'happy'. I accept that part of my dysfunctional (harmful) upbringing by my alcoholic Mother, but I ain't happy about it. The anger is gone, although sometimes as I uncover more stuff, I go back through the process again (to an extent).

I don't think there is any "supposed to" to it, I've just got the general impression that it would be better for me if I could and so I continue trying.