Not sure how to handle this...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 26
Not sure how to handle this...
This is no earth shattering problem and to be honest I feel kind of silly posting about it. It has been bothering me tho and while I think I am handling things ok I sometimes have a hard time trusting my judgement. I've been praying about this and felt I needed to share tho. I'd really appreciate any feedback.
My home group is pretty small, about 8 regulars, and we are all pretty closely knit. There is one man in our regulars and I consider him a good friend. We tend to talk a lot after the meetings as we have had really similar experiences with our AS's and we talk sports a lot too or other meaningless stuff like that.
So I admit to being kind of dense in this area and I don't know if I am making things up in my mind, but I have started to think he may have more than friend feelings for me since he and his A split a few months ago. It's not real easy for me to describe but there are a lot of complements about more personal things (you are so talented, you are a wonderful woman, I love your new haircut) and it seems like a more flirty context. He winked at me after one of those little things, I guess that is what really made me think red flag.
To be very clear, I do not want this. I'm not looking to cheat. I'm not super happy with my marriage, but I know an affair would only make things worse. I have always had a lot of male friends as I'm a bit of a tomboy but have also held really strong boundaries within them. I don't talk about my marriage or feelings with them, all are just as good of friends with my H, and we don't call or text each other for anything other than plans. Obviously, some of that is blurred at an AlAnon meeting since I do talk about my marriage and my feelings and my H doesn't know this man at all. I don't have any contact with him other than meetings, so that boundary is still there.
I feel conflicted as I don't want to make a deal about something that may be nothing, but I also feel like I am being more passive about it than I should. I fear saying something and being totally wrong about the situation and alienating either him or me from our group. Of course I don't truly know him, but he has been in our group almost two years now and I have never gotten a player or creepy vibe from him, so part of me just thinks I need to let it slide because it won't go any further than it has. I trust in myself that if he did make some kind of move on me that I wouldn't hesitate in rebuffing it, is that good enough or is that me not taking control of something I can? Thanks all for reading this ramble.
My home group is pretty small, about 8 regulars, and we are all pretty closely knit. There is one man in our regulars and I consider him a good friend. We tend to talk a lot after the meetings as we have had really similar experiences with our AS's and we talk sports a lot too or other meaningless stuff like that.
So I admit to being kind of dense in this area and I don't know if I am making things up in my mind, but I have started to think he may have more than friend feelings for me since he and his A split a few months ago. It's not real easy for me to describe but there are a lot of complements about more personal things (you are so talented, you are a wonderful woman, I love your new haircut) and it seems like a more flirty context. He winked at me after one of those little things, I guess that is what really made me think red flag.
To be very clear, I do not want this. I'm not looking to cheat. I'm not super happy with my marriage, but I know an affair would only make things worse. I have always had a lot of male friends as I'm a bit of a tomboy but have also held really strong boundaries within them. I don't talk about my marriage or feelings with them, all are just as good of friends with my H, and we don't call or text each other for anything other than plans. Obviously, some of that is blurred at an AlAnon meeting since I do talk about my marriage and my feelings and my H doesn't know this man at all. I don't have any contact with him other than meetings, so that boundary is still there.
I feel conflicted as I don't want to make a deal about something that may be nothing, but I also feel like I am being more passive about it than I should. I fear saying something and being totally wrong about the situation and alienating either him or me from our group. Of course I don't truly know him, but he has been in our group almost two years now and I have never gotten a player or creepy vibe from him, so part of me just thinks I need to let it slide because it won't go any further than it has. I trust in myself that if he did make some kind of move on me that I wouldn't hesitate in rebuffing it, is that good enough or is that me not taking control of something I can? Thanks all for reading this ramble.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Hard to tell. Maybe he's just friendlier now that he's single. Maybe he thinks you're a "safe" person to practice giving compliments.
Always go with your gut. Maybe next time he makes some borderline inappropriate statement, you could say, "You know I'm married, right?" and see how he reacts.
Always go with your gut. Maybe next time he makes some borderline inappropriate statement, you could say, "You know I'm married, right?" and see how he reacts.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You never know. Some people are just naturally flirty people. I would just observe and if he makes any advances let him know you appreciate his friendship (if you do), and that your not interested. It's not good to hook up with people at a group anyways.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm the same way when it comes to trying to deal with someone who seems to be interested, when I'm definitely not. It's uncomfortable and you don't want to make assumptions, but you don't want THEM making assumptions, either.
What I generally do is to just back off a bit. I can get rather cool and put some distance between us. I've been accused of coming off as standoffish, but oh, well. I'd rather be perceived as standoffish than be friendly and have my friendliness misinterpreted.
So I guess I'm not in a position to give advice, but I completely relate to what you're experiencing.
What I generally do is to just back off a bit. I can get rather cool and put some distance between us. I've been accused of coming off as standoffish, but oh, well. I'd rather be perceived as standoffish than be friendly and have my friendliness misinterpreted.
So I guess I'm not in a position to give advice, but I completely relate to what you're experiencing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 26
Thank you both for your responses. I am feeling much better now 
Bimini, what you said about me being a "safe" person really resonates with me. That is what my gut says it is and why I have felt it was best left alone. He really has never said anything the other ladies haven't said, and I don't think he is being inappropriate.
As I think about it some more, I think a big part of this is worry about how my H would feel about it. He has horrible boundaries with women and always justifies it with "I wouldn't mind if you did xyz cause I trust you". Yet over four years ago a childhood friend of mine wrote a post where he called me babe, and I still hear about that probably once a month. It was totally innocent, he was like a brother to me and that was one of the many nicknames he called me. Maybe I am seeing it as a problem because I am not thinking for myself, I am thinking about what would my H think.
Bimini, what you said about me being a "safe" person really resonates with me. That is what my gut says it is and why I have felt it was best left alone. He really has never said anything the other ladies haven't said, and I don't think he is being inappropriate.
As I think about it some more, I think a big part of this is worry about how my H would feel about it. He has horrible boundaries with women and always justifies it with "I wouldn't mind if you did xyz cause I trust you". Yet over four years ago a childhood friend of mine wrote a post where he called me babe, and I still hear about that probably once a month. It was totally innocent, he was like a brother to me and that was one of the many nicknames he called me. Maybe I am seeing it as a problem because I am not thinking for myself, I am thinking about what would my H think.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I'm the same way when it comes to trying to deal with someone who seems to be interested, when I'm definitely not. It's uncomfortable and you don't want to make assumptions, but you don't want THEM making assumptions, either.
What I generally do is to just back off a bit. I can get rather cool and put some distance between us. I've been accused of coming off as standoffish, but oh, well. I'd rather be perceived as standoffish than be friendly and have my friendliness misinterpreted.
So I guess I'm not in a position to give advice, but I completely relate to what you're experiencing.
What I generally do is to just back off a bit. I can get rather cool and put some distance between us. I've been accused of coming off as standoffish, but oh, well. I'd rather be perceived as standoffish than be friendly and have my friendliness misinterpreted.
So I guess I'm not in a position to give advice, but I completely relate to what you're experiencing.
I do tend to just back off a bit. After the wink I made an effort to talk to one of the other ladies next to me afterwards just to make me feel a little more comfortable. A little passive maybe but I do think he noticed and things seem to be back to the level I'm comfortable with now.
Really, thanks all. I knew if I just got this out there that I would feel much better about trusting my thinking
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
