Thoughts on my first 100 sober days
Thoughts on my first 100 sober days
I've been pinching myself a lot today as I can't completely believe that in about 2 hours it will be 100 days since I last touched alcohol!
Considering that I've drunk every day to excess for the last 15 years (apart from a few failed attempts to stop that peaked at a 6 week stint and a 3 and a bit week effort) and heavily most days for the 10 prior to that I'm pretty damn chuffed with myself.
I think those previous attempts were necessary though, as without them I wouldn't be able to compare how I feel about not drinking now.
This time I feel liberated instead of deprived.
I feel optimistic instead of scared.
I feel excited instead of depressed.
Without those previous periods not drinking followed by attempts to return to "normal, social, moderate" drinking that rapidly spiralled into ever increasing volumes of hooch being consumed, I wouldn't be as sure as I am that I can never drink in moderation. (In fact I know now that I wouldn't want to anyway - if I'm going to drink then I want to get hammered or what's the point?)
I've realised that I don't actually miss booze, or even what I used to perceive as the relaxing part before you get to incoherence just prior to oblivion. What I have noticed though is that I no longer have a way to quieten the incessant noise and chatter in my head. That's something I need to work on but in time - even while sleeping - which is now deep, refreshing enjoyable sleep my dreams are vivid and loud, maybe that's normal though - it's been a long time since I've experienced natural sleep as opposed to booze induced unconsciousness.
There are some measurable benefits that are becoming apparent such as nearly four kilo loss in weight, a change from a dangerous blood pressure to a much more acceptable one and I no longer look for excuses to skip work or swap shifts or throw sickies. My day is longer and more productive - I never realised how time consuming maintaining a serious drink habit was!
I've been trying to work out why it is I feel so different about things this time and I think it's got much to do with the fact that I've learned the difference between not drinking and sobriety. I'm on a journey that requires work and effort, it's not a case of simply not doing something that's harmful.
AVRT has made me realise that I can say "I'll never drink again and will never change my mind" and really believe it and know it without doubt or fear.
But the single biggest factor has been this forum. Even though I don't post much I read it every day and the folk on here have guided, supported, advised, coached and inspired me so much without knowing it.
I feel really indebted to the forum as a whole and certain individuals in particular and am humbled that complete strangers have made the time and effort to help me drag myself out of the depths of addiction to a state where, for the first time in many many years I think I could actually like myself again.
I've got a long way to go yet on this journey but standing here now, I think that, unlike 100 days ago, I might actually enjoy the ride
Considering that I've drunk every day to excess for the last 15 years (apart from a few failed attempts to stop that peaked at a 6 week stint and a 3 and a bit week effort) and heavily most days for the 10 prior to that I'm pretty damn chuffed with myself.
I think those previous attempts were necessary though, as without them I wouldn't be able to compare how I feel about not drinking now.
This time I feel liberated instead of deprived.
I feel optimistic instead of scared.
I feel excited instead of depressed.
Without those previous periods not drinking followed by attempts to return to "normal, social, moderate" drinking that rapidly spiralled into ever increasing volumes of hooch being consumed, I wouldn't be as sure as I am that I can never drink in moderation. (In fact I know now that I wouldn't want to anyway - if I'm going to drink then I want to get hammered or what's the point?)
I've realised that I don't actually miss booze, or even what I used to perceive as the relaxing part before you get to incoherence just prior to oblivion. What I have noticed though is that I no longer have a way to quieten the incessant noise and chatter in my head. That's something I need to work on but in time - even while sleeping - which is now deep, refreshing enjoyable sleep my dreams are vivid and loud, maybe that's normal though - it's been a long time since I've experienced natural sleep as opposed to booze induced unconsciousness.
There are some measurable benefits that are becoming apparent such as nearly four kilo loss in weight, a change from a dangerous blood pressure to a much more acceptable one and I no longer look for excuses to skip work or swap shifts or throw sickies. My day is longer and more productive - I never realised how time consuming maintaining a serious drink habit was!
I've been trying to work out why it is I feel so different about things this time and I think it's got much to do with the fact that I've learned the difference between not drinking and sobriety. I'm on a journey that requires work and effort, it's not a case of simply not doing something that's harmful.
AVRT has made me realise that I can say "I'll never drink again and will never change my mind" and really believe it and know it without doubt or fear.
But the single biggest factor has been this forum. Even though I don't post much I read it every day and the folk on here have guided, supported, advised, coached and inspired me so much without knowing it.
I feel really indebted to the forum as a whole and certain individuals in particular and am humbled that complete strangers have made the time and effort to help me drag myself out of the depths of addiction to a state where, for the first time in many many years I think I could actually like myself again.
I've got a long way to go yet on this journey but standing here now, I think that, unlike 100 days ago, I might actually enjoy the ride
Very thoughtful words. So happy you've found happiness and a positive attitude during recovery. I think it's key to success (several failed attempts here before getting serious about it).
I'm inspired to keep on truckin'!
I'm inspired to keep on truckin'!
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
I love it! You CAN say you are done for ever and I also like the fact that you see your relapses as needed. They were. You are in a great place with a great attitude and attitude is everything. I identify with your post because I also feel excited and not deprived. I control what I do and I hold myself accountable. It's having no doubt in your mind and that is SO liberating.
Woo hoo for youuuuuuuu!!!!
Woo hoo for youuuuuuuu!!!!
This time I feel liberated instead of deprived.
I feel optimistic instead of scared.
I feel excited instead of depressed.
This is a perfect description of how sobriety changes your outlook on life.
Congratulations, Hendrix. Great post.
I feel optimistic instead of scared.
I feel excited instead of depressed.
This is a perfect description of how sobriety changes your outlook on life.
Congratulations, Hendrix. Great post.
Thanks for the comments folks.
I wish I could put my finger on what it was that's made me feel so different this time around.
Something clicked in my mind that made me want sobriety rather than need to stop drinking. This thing, whatever it was, has been vital in my seeing being sober as a positive choice rather than a necessary evil.
I know I've got a long way to go and I'm still far from sorted - I have recently noticed a degree of short term loss memory and have trouble finding the right words on occasion - but these will hopefully improve with time and are far less debilitating than the effects I experienced while drinking.
I wish I could put my finger on what it was that's made me feel so different this time around.
Something clicked in my mind that made me want sobriety rather than need to stop drinking. This thing, whatever it was, has been vital in my seeing being sober as a positive choice rather than a necessary evil.
I know I've got a long way to go and I'm still far from sorted - I have recently noticed a degree of short term loss memory and have trouble finding the right words on occasion - but these will hopefully improve with time and are far less debilitating than the effects I experienced while drinking.
Congrats, Hendrix on 100 days! Simply AWESOME!!!!
I am right behind you in my 90's somewhere.....and things are going so much easier than my last quit....
After a resounding failure at my attempt at moderation, I knew that I could never moderate....
This time, found the forum and read about many, many other moderation attempts, and know that it just doesn't work....it isn't just me, it is EVERYONE, SO I didn't screw up, didn't get the timing wrong, or whatever else my AV could suggest so that WE could try again....
NOPE doesn't work. I don't drink....so much simpler. No stress, no question, no cracks for my poor neglected AV to slither into.....
I love it!
I am right behind you in my 90's somewhere.....and things are going so much easier than my last quit....
After a resounding failure at my attempt at moderation, I knew that I could never moderate....
This time, found the forum and read about many, many other moderation attempts, and know that it just doesn't work....it isn't just me, it is EVERYONE, SO I didn't screw up, didn't get the timing wrong, or whatever else my AV could suggest so that WE could try again....
NOPE doesn't work. I don't drink....so much simpler. No stress, no question, no cracks for my poor neglected AV to slither into.....
I love it!
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