Starting Over
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 26
Starting Over
I can't even begin to count how many day ones I have had. Hundreds at this point, I should think. The longest I have been sober since I was twenty-two has been three months, two years ago.
I want to say that this day is going to be different. I want to say that I'm going to get through day 8 and day 21 (the days where I usually fall off the wagon), that this time it will be different. Because if it isn't? I will never complete my PhD. I will spend my life going through the motions, never really feeling anything other than numbness which is better than crippling anxiety but means it's impossible to ever really feel happy.
I want to believe that this day one will be different, but I don't trust myself to do it and right now I can't care enough to actually want to quit. I want to not drink, and I want to do all the things that I used to enjoy, and I want to feel healthy, and I want to get back the last five years of my life which have been lost in the bottle of a wine bottle, but I don't want to quit.
I want to say that this day is going to be different. I want to say that I'm going to get through day 8 and day 21 (the days where I usually fall off the wagon), that this time it will be different. Because if it isn't? I will never complete my PhD. I will spend my life going through the motions, never really feeling anything other than numbness which is better than crippling anxiety but means it's impossible to ever really feel happy.
I want to believe that this day one will be different, but I don't trust myself to do it and right now I can't care enough to actually want to quit. I want to not drink, and I want to do all the things that I used to enjoy, and I want to feel healthy, and I want to get back the last five years of my life which have been lost in the bottle of a wine bottle, but I don't want to quit.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 780
If you didnt want to quit you wouldnt be here. Something, somewhere inside you has the strength to get by those days you feel are impossible.
I didn't care enough, was never happy, seriously depressed.......all through drinking. Today, almost 8 months sober its a completely different story.
You're here. Everything can change. You can do it.
Wishing you well.
L x
I didn't care enough, was never happy, seriously depressed.......all through drinking. Today, almost 8 months sober its a completely different story.
You're here. Everything can change. You can do it.
Wishing you well.
L x
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
So let every day be your day 1. I was an around-the-clock drinker--don't know if that makes a difference but planned, tapered and spent time here getting to a "day1".I knew I could do it if I had just 24 hrs under my belt. That was exactly 8 months ago tomorrow. "AVRT Explained" really hit home for me. You can find that here:Secular Connections - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information. Best wishes on saving your own ass.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
You are describing the battle between your addiction and your rational mind. When it come to this point, when the arguments are senseless, there really is only one solution...the one you fear the most.
Total sobriety.
Originally Posted by lastdayone 
I want to believe that this day one will be different, but I don't trust myself to do it and right now I can't care enough to actually want to quit. I want to not drink, and I want to do all the things that I used to enjoy, and I want to feel healthy, and I want to get back the last five years of my life which have been lost in the bottle of a wine bottle, but I don't want to quit.
Total sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 10
Have you consulted your Doctor? Anxiety meds can help you get through the first week and beyond. Day 1 was always my worst day. Day 2 would start out rough but eventually get better. Day 3 was pretty much normal. It's taken me 2 1/2 years to get to the point of almost 1 year, total sobriety. A lot of relapses with weeks/months of success. You have the will to quit and that's the most important part. Just keep trying, seek out support where you can, like here and keep at it. You have the desire to quit and you can do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 26
Thank you all for your comments! And lilac0721 congrats on your day 1 - we can cheer each other on! February 10th is a good day to quit 
I'm feeling much more positive about things now, after drinking loads of water today and eating an extremely healthy (and delicious!) dinner.
Ambush1256, I am actually on anti-anxiety medication - I've been on it for two weeks now but I know it takes a while to get into the system and I'm worried I've wasted those two weeks of being on medication by drinking over the past few days. I wasn't really feeling an effect - hence why I started drinking again - but I'm going to push through. I've been on and off them for years but I've never managed to stay sober whilst taking them, so their effect has been negligible at best.
anattaboy, thanks for the link! That approach looks really interesting based on the bit of reading I've done so far. I'm not sure that it would necessarily work for me, though, as I can't stand the idea of always being on day 1. I like counting the days, because seeing those numbers add up feels like a huge achievement - day 9 and day 22 are by far the best days. I've never made it to 100 days, and I'll be overjoyed when I do. But I can see the point that day-counting makes it intimidating, so I'll definitely do some more research and decide which approach works best for me.
Now to switch off the computer and spend an hour or so reading a book before bed, rather than drinking the evening away...
I'm feeling much more positive about things now, after drinking loads of water today and eating an extremely healthy (and delicious!) dinner.Ambush1256, I am actually on anti-anxiety medication - I've been on it for two weeks now but I know it takes a while to get into the system and I'm worried I've wasted those two weeks of being on medication by drinking over the past few days. I wasn't really feeling an effect - hence why I started drinking again - but I'm going to push through. I've been on and off them for years but I've never managed to stay sober whilst taking them, so their effect has been negligible at best.
anattaboy, thanks for the link! That approach looks really interesting based on the bit of reading I've done so far. I'm not sure that it would necessarily work for me, though, as I can't stand the idea of always being on day 1. I like counting the days, because seeing those numbers add up feels like a huge achievement - day 9 and day 22 are by far the best days. I've never made it to 100 days, and I'll be overjoyed when I do. But I can see the point that day-counting makes it intimidating, so I'll definitely do some more research and decide which approach works best for me.
Now to switch off the computer and spend an hour or so reading a book before bed, rather than drinking the evening away...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
Many that come here are at a point of not wanting to drink in a ½ a$$ed way. It’s sort of an attitude that I’ll do it my way as I have a lot of other things going on. My thought is “how’s it working for you?”
Many don’t like certain words like must, it’s highly recommended etc. that’s tough!
We who are alcoholics are dealing with something powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious which will take us out in a heartbeat if we continue to drink. It’s a disease that tells us we don’t have a disease.
Gratefully I’ve been sober a lot of years and have seen far more fail than succeed with sobriety.
Number one is the difficulty we have being honest with ourself about our drinking AND accepting the fact we cannot drink in safety.
Being sober AND STAYING sober is our #1 challenge, which gets easier with time, above all other goals. That’s tough to handle for most new people but if not attained all other goals are set aside as our values will require work and inner changes to attain.
I’ll add that I’ve never heard someone with 5+ years say I wasted my time on this being sober thing.
I’ll say it’s good to be comfortable in my own skin, most of the time.
BE WELL
Many that come here are at a point of not wanting to drink in a ½ a$$ed way. It’s sort of an attitude that I’ll do it my way as I have a lot of other things going on. My thought is “how’s it working for you?”
Many don’t like certain words like must, it’s highly recommended etc. that’s tough!
We who are alcoholics are dealing with something powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious which will take us out in a heartbeat if we continue to drink. It’s a disease that tells us we don’t have a disease.
Gratefully I’ve been sober a lot of years and have seen far more fail than succeed with sobriety.
Number one is the difficulty we have being honest with ourself about our drinking AND accepting the fact we cannot drink in safety.
Being sober AND STAYING sober is our #1 challenge, which gets easier with time, above all other goals. That’s tough to handle for most new people but if not attained all other goals are set aside as our values will require work and inner changes to attain.
I’ll add that I’ve never heard someone with 5+ years say I wasted my time on this being sober thing.
I’ll say it’s good to be comfortable in my own skin, most of the time.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Day nine was my toughest day. It is the day I came to grips with my anxiety and how to conquer it.
Push past those tough times. Come here, read, ask for ideas. Call a friend. Take a walk, take a nap, eat, watch TV. Whatever it takes to get past it.
The anxiety is going to come and go for a while until your brain levels out in a few months. Hang on, you can get through it.
Push past those tough times. Come here, read, ask for ideas. Call a friend. Take a walk, take a nap, eat, watch TV. Whatever it takes to get past it.
The anxiety is going to come and go for a while until your brain levels out in a few months. Hang on, you can get through it.
Guest
Join Date: May 2014
Location: London, UK
Posts: 1,086
Welcome!
I'm on day two after lots of relapses and I truly feel different. I've been reading a lot and I'm determined to form new habits, which is the main thing for me. If I'm bored, lonely, anxious or just on auto-pilot, I am tempted to drink and those times have been my downfall. I take anti-depressants and I saw that you said above you're on anti-anxiety medication.
I found that long-term alcohol use made my anti depressants pretty useless. My anxiety is fairly ridiculous at the moment as this is the second day I'm totally sober, and I expected that. From long periods of sobriety previously I know that give it a month, my medication will start to kick in again. I guess we just need to be patience and take it easy!
I'm on day two after lots of relapses and I truly feel different. I've been reading a lot and I'm determined to form new habits, which is the main thing for me. If I'm bored, lonely, anxious or just on auto-pilot, I am tempted to drink and those times have been my downfall. I take anti-depressants and I saw that you said above you're on anti-anxiety medication.
I found that long-term alcohol use made my anti depressants pretty useless. My anxiety is fairly ridiculous at the moment as this is the second day I'm totally sober, and I expected that. From long periods of sobriety previously I know that give it a month, my medication will start to kick in again. I guess we just need to be patience and take it easy!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
lastdayone, you and I have a similar dilemma. Unwittingly (for me at least) we picked a user name that compels us to succeed and stay sober. You see, for me, I had never seriously tried to quit during my 20 years of heavy drinking. Not until I found SR that is. So when I joined SR I picked a user name, firstymer, that described who I was.
If I were to fail and start drinking again, I would feel compelled to change my user name from firstymer to, what, secondtymer? And as stupid as it sounds, that choice of user names may once or twice have kept me from picking up the bottle again when I was feeling weak.
So, like it or not, you have described this as your last day one. And like me, you are stuck with the name you chose.
Good luck, lastdayone. I am glad you are here with us.
If I were to fail and start drinking again, I would feel compelled to change my user name from firstymer to, what, secondtymer? And as stupid as it sounds, that choice of user names may once or twice have kept me from picking up the bottle again when I was feeling weak.
So, like it or not, you have described this as your last day one. And like me, you are stuck with the name you chose.
Good luck, lastdayone. I am glad you are here with us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 26
Thank you all for your comments - they are incredibly helpful and motivational! Well I am through my last day one and onto my last day two Last night was okay, although I was anxious most of the night and slept badly. Tonight will be a bit of a struggle as I am out for my mother's birthday and everyone will be drinking. However, this will be a good test of my willpower. If I can not drink tonight when everyone else will be, then I can do anything.
Last night was okay, although I was anxious most of the night and slept badly. Tonight will be a bit of a struggle as I am out for my mother's birthday and everyone will be drinking. However, this will be a good test of my willpower. If I can not drink tonight when everyone else will be, then I can do anything.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: The Northland
Posts: 600
May I change that to "When I don't drink tonight".. .Or just "I will not drink tonight." Does your family know about your drinking? I told mine I quit early on. It really helped me stick with it. I also promised myself that no matter what, I would not drink secretly.
There are no ifs in this deadly business. You've got to be all in. Welcome back!
There are no ifs in this deadly business. You've got to be all in. Welcome back!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 26
Really good point, BernieE! Thank you. You're right, it's when I don't drink tonight.
My family don't know about my drinking because I actually live, alone, about four hours from any of my close family. They don't know how bad it's gotten because I only drink "in secret". At some point I will tell them, but for right now I'm focusing on my sobriety more than my family, as it's not like they will be around to see if I'm drinking and therefore hold me accountable.
My family don't know about my drinking because I actually live, alone, about four hours from any of my close family. They don't know how bad it's gotten because I only drink "in secret". At some point I will tell them, but for right now I'm focusing on my sobriety more than my family, as it's not like they will be around to see if I'm drinking and therefore hold me accountable.
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