Oh the Anger
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 45
Oh the Anger
Today, I have been overwhelmed with anger. Two years ago I asked my husband to leave and get some help for his drinking. I had a newborn and couldn't take his being drunk all the time and outrageous fights. So what does he do? He moves out and knocks up his girlfriend.
So two years and a divorce later, he claims to be a great dad to his other child. Claims to have the drinking under control. For almost a year he wouldn't take a breath test as outlined in our decree to take custody of our daughter for a visit. If I ask for one, and he blows a negative, I am obligated to pay him a nuisance fee. Still wouldn't take one. So I pushed him back to court where his attorney told him to start taking the breath tests when I ask. Now, he's all in. Wants to take all his visits with our daughter. Wants me to ask for a breath test. What happened? If he could just turn off his drinking and poor behavior, why didn't he do it two years ago?
Today I am angry. The contact we have had in the last two weeks is more than we've had in a year. It's for our daughter. How can I put all this behind me once and for all while still trying to co-parent with someone who has caused so much destruction and heartache? I feel like I'm going crazy.
So two years and a divorce later, he claims to be a great dad to his other child. Claims to have the drinking under control. For almost a year he wouldn't take a breath test as outlined in our decree to take custody of our daughter for a visit. If I ask for one, and he blows a negative, I am obligated to pay him a nuisance fee. Still wouldn't take one. So I pushed him back to court where his attorney told him to start taking the breath tests when I ask. Now, he's all in. Wants to take all his visits with our daughter. Wants me to ask for a breath test. What happened? If he could just turn off his drinking and poor behavior, why didn't he do it two years ago?
Today I am angry. The contact we have had in the last two weeks is more than we've had in a year. It's for our daughter. How can I put all this behind me once and for all while still trying to co-parent with someone who has caused so much destruction and heartache? I feel like I'm going crazy.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: UK
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I totally, totally understand your frustration. When I separated from my son's father he was a total no-hoper (better now) but I had to remember that my son would not be aware of any of what had gone on - just what happens in the present and what he saw with his own eyes.
I never criticised my sons dad in front of my son and did help them to see each other (so my son didn't see me as 'meany mum', justified or not).
14.5 years on my son and his dad are pals but not close. My son thinks his dads a bit of a doofus BUT he has made his own mind up, no one can say I've deliberately passed my feelings on - though it has been difficult at times!
I can't say our cases are the same as there are no drink issues or second families so my experiences may not 'count' x
I never criticised my sons dad in front of my son and did help them to see each other (so my son didn't see me as 'meany mum', justified or not).
14.5 years on my son and his dad are pals but not close. My son thinks his dads a bit of a doofus BUT he has made his own mind up, no one can say I've deliberately passed my feelings on - though it has been difficult at times!
I can't say our cases are the same as there are no drink issues or second families so my experiences may not 'count' x
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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They can't "turn it off", but over time they can control it or sometimes just go into periods of remission like cancer patients. Perhaps he has chained his dogs. For your daughter and the other innocent child this is a blessing.
I have a feeling, just a feeling, woman to woman, that your anger is also stemming from a wounded ego. Why wasn't your love and child enough to change him and seemingly this other woman and her child were. Why dI'd you get all of the pain and abuse and she gets to reap the benefit? But remember, though he may not be drinking now, he could relapse. That year he wouldn't take a test might have been sheer hell for the new wife. May still be A's are grandiose and all claim bigger than they live.
Try to be happy for children who may never know what it's like to put their adult lives on hold to care for an old alcoholic dad. Find joy in your freedom!
I have a feeling, just a feeling, woman to woman, that your anger is also stemming from a wounded ego. Why wasn't your love and child enough to change him and seemingly this other woman and her child were. Why dI'd you get all of the pain and abuse and she gets to reap the benefit? But remember, though he may not be drinking now, he could relapse. That year he wouldn't take a test might have been sheer hell for the new wife. May still be A's are grandiose and all claim bigger than they live.
Try to be happy for children who may never know what it's like to put their adult lives on hold to care for an old alcoholic dad. Find joy in your freedom!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by pookielou 
If he could just turn off his drinking and poor behavior, why didn't he do it two years ago?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Talk is cheap. He can say he's a great dad. He can say he's sober. He can say a lot of things. Time will tell. He'll either continue to refuse the breathalyzer or not.
Have him take one - every single time. If you have to pay him - money well spent.
If he refuses - you know. If he fails - you know. Nothing has changed.
If he passes he is sober that day, for that visit. Take it from there and use your wisdom to do the next right thing for your baby.
It can all be very hard to take up front. I was angry. I was hurt. I wanted him to disappear. And he did. For a long time. My children were older. I saw the devastation and heartbreak in their eyes and in their behavior. It was hard hard hard to see. I switched gears and I prayed for his recovery. I prayed he'd get sober and move back, close to his children, even if I had to deal with him.
He did find recovery but he has not chosen to move back. He see's his sons once or twice a year. He's sober today though and I'm eternally grateful. I wanted him to get sober for us, with us, but that didn't happen. I'm over it, past it, and it is better that he's sober no matter where he is at.
Have him take one - every single time. If you have to pay him - money well spent.
If he refuses - you know. If he fails - you know. Nothing has changed.
If he passes he is sober that day, for that visit. Take it from there and use your wisdom to do the next right thing for your baby.
It can all be very hard to take up front. I was angry. I was hurt. I wanted him to disappear. And he did. For a long time. My children were older. I saw the devastation and heartbreak in their eyes and in their behavior. It was hard hard hard to see. I switched gears and I prayed for his recovery. I prayed he'd get sober and move back, close to his children, even if I had to deal with him.
He did find recovery but he has not chosen to move back. He see's his sons once or twice a year. He's sober today though and I'm eternally grateful. I wanted him to get sober for us, with us, but that didn't happen. I'm over it, past it, and it is better that he's sober no matter where he is at.
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