Overcomer4

So I've been seperated for 4 months and have set up boundaries and stuck with them.....

My oldest daughter (13) seems to have taken my place. My AH is very good about making my kids feel sorry for him and let them carry his burden. Last night he told her that he was so tired he had to sleep on the side of the road she kept calling him and he wouldn't answer. She was so anxious and having an anxiety attack. I know most of what he says is bs but she doesn't and it's a very difficult thing to see....

How have you handled your older kids through addiction? I guided her through but I feel like she's carrying her dad's problems it's almost like she is trying to do what I was doing before I started my recovery

Katchie

I can see that my oldest would do this if it wasn't for the fact he lives a few hours away at college. What I try to do is just tell them what is necessary for them to know so they process and heal from their dads addiction. My 4 younger sons don't want much to do with their dad, which really makes me sad, but it does protect them in some ways.

The incident today I have no intention of telling my kids about. I don't want them feeling guilty for something they can't control.

Does your daughter know that she can't control what is going on with her dad? Or cure it? And she certainly didn't cause it? Just keep the channels of communication open, be a listening ear and allow her to just say/speak what she needs to w/o interruption. Validate her feelings, but repeatedly tell her the 3 C's.

This is so hard on our kids. Hugs

Overcomer4

Yes she know but....when things are out of her control she is anxious . She starts to focus on her breathing causing her to hyperventilate. Last night I asked her what can you do right now.....she said pray and I said let's pray. She knows it's out of our control yet try's to control and her dad is not helping. He does things to make them worry

Katchie

Maybe Celebrate Recovery for teens would be helpful to her?

Overcomer4

Good idea!!

maia1234

I am sorry that the kids are getting involved with his disease.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

hopeful4

CR for teens (called The Landing) is great!

I also have both of my kids in counseling. I told the counselor I cold see codependent tendencies in my 9 yr old and I wanted to get her help for the things in life that will always be a stress to her, like her father.

Hugs. It's so hard, I know.

PippiLngstockng

I see xah rubbing off on his children, too. He teaches them to minimize what has happened to our family...to act as though everything is normal - which it's not!!! Then they return from being with him and have a negative attitude towards me related to this. It is as though I own the troubles and I am responsible for everything. He also teaches them to feel sorry for him...when he is such crud to them. And they start looking for clues as to what he is doing - searching for bottles, listening to his conversations, searching on his phone...because it is mostly hidden, his trespasses, but there's this creepy feeling that he is up to stuff all the time. Very unsettling.

I think group or individual counseling with an experienced, capable counsellor is a great idea. A child needs to be able to talk to someone who isn't in the middle of things and whom they can trust! Good luck!