Contact with Family Friends / Amends?
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
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Contact with Family Friends / Amends?
I thought I would share an email I just sent to a woman I grew up thinking of as an Aunt. I stopped talking to her last spring when I was in the midst of serious enabling (I was calling it caregiving then!!) of my mom, and my 'Aunt' betrayed my trust. I had emailed the other adults in our family/support system when things got really bad with my mom, and it did NOT go well - she forwarded my email TO MY MOM, and you can guess how that went.
She shouldn't have sent my email to my mom, but I really got angry with her about it and we haven't spoken since. I have just heard that my mom is appointing her Power of Attorney and Medical POA. Even though I have gone NC with my mom, I still felt like a) taking more ownership over what happened last year now that I have more understanding of it, and b) giving a little bit of a warning. I hope this would be considered a healthy step in recovery, and not a slip backwards into something unhealthy!
She shouldn't have sent my email to my mom, but I really got angry with her about it and we haven't spoken since. I have just heard that my mom is appointing her Power of Attorney and Medical POA. Even though I have gone NC with my mom, I still felt like a) taking more ownership over what happened last year now that I have more understanding of it, and b) giving a little bit of a warning. I hope this would be considered a healthy step in recovery, and not a slip backwards into something unhealthy!
Dear ['Aunt'],
I'd like to tell you that I have more perspective about what happened last year between you, me and my mom, and take a little more ownership.
When you forwarded my email to her, my mom became enraged with me. I will never forget that night, it is actually now one of my scariest, worst memories of 2014, and there are many to choose from. And because I was so hurt by all the things my mom said that night, by the way my attempt to reach out for help had completely backfired, and already feeling so terribly isolated and left alone by the other adults in my life to deal with an enormous situation that I wasn't at all prepared for, I placed a lot of blame on you for what happened because you shared my email with my mother.
What I didn't know then was that I was dealing with my mom the alcoholic and pill addict - that that night, she was very intoxicated. I just wasn't framing it that way in my mind yet. I was trying to deal with my mother still, trying to see her in there. And if I had had the tools then that I have now, I wouldn't have blamed you for the pain I felt from alcoholic/addict's manipulative, cruel outburst. I mean, it's still true that it was really not helpful that you forwarded that email... but if I, who was with her every day seeing the evidence before my very eyes still didn't know what I was actually dealing with, how could I have expected you to know? Now I know that doing anything at all for except for helping helping her get treatment is enabling her. If I had known that a year ago I could have saved her and I both a lot of pain I think.
So as much as I have to forgive myself for not figuring things out sooner than I did, I have to say - ['Aunt'], I'm sorry I took my anger out on you. I was in a state of emergency - of intense grief, stress, and guilt for not being able to fix everything and save my mother, and the events of that night gave my mom a way to 'prove' that I was failing, and I felt like... well, now I know that I can call my role then was the role of a completely codependent enabler to her behavior and addictions.
In a way looking back on that event helps me, because it is a perfect example of how I was dancing around to accommodate her habits, and completely ignoring my own life. And it's a great example of how the people in her life end up being pushed away, from her and from each other. [My biological aunt] and I have really reconnected in the last year, and hearing the different versions we were told as explanations of why I didn't grow up knowing her and my cousins better has been a real eye-opener. [My cousin] and I are much closer now, too.
I have known you my whole life, [']. I don't know where you are with all of this, but I hope we can at least have positive feelings about one another.
Sincerely,
Seasaw
I'd like to tell you that I have more perspective about what happened last year between you, me and my mom, and take a little more ownership.
When you forwarded my email to her, my mom became enraged with me. I will never forget that night, it is actually now one of my scariest, worst memories of 2014, and there are many to choose from. And because I was so hurt by all the things my mom said that night, by the way my attempt to reach out for help had completely backfired, and already feeling so terribly isolated and left alone by the other adults in my life to deal with an enormous situation that I wasn't at all prepared for, I placed a lot of blame on you for what happened because you shared my email with my mother.
What I didn't know then was that I was dealing with my mom the alcoholic and pill addict - that that night, she was very intoxicated. I just wasn't framing it that way in my mind yet. I was trying to deal with my mother still, trying to see her in there. And if I had had the tools then that I have now, I wouldn't have blamed you for the pain I felt from alcoholic/addict's manipulative, cruel outburst. I mean, it's still true that it was really not helpful that you forwarded that email... but if I, who was with her every day seeing the evidence before my very eyes still didn't know what I was actually dealing with, how could I have expected you to know? Now I know that doing anything at all for except for helping helping her get treatment is enabling her. If I had known that a year ago I could have saved her and I both a lot of pain I think.
So as much as I have to forgive myself for not figuring things out sooner than I did, I have to say - ['Aunt'], I'm sorry I took my anger out on you. I was in a state of emergency - of intense grief, stress, and guilt for not being able to fix everything and save my mother, and the events of that night gave my mom a way to 'prove' that I was failing, and I felt like... well, now I know that I can call my role then was the role of a completely codependent enabler to her behavior and addictions.
In a way looking back on that event helps me, because it is a perfect example of how I was dancing around to accommodate her habits, and completely ignoring my own life. And it's a great example of how the people in her life end up being pushed away, from her and from each other. [My biological aunt] and I have really reconnected in the last year, and hearing the different versions we were told as explanations of why I didn't grow up knowing her and my cousins better has been a real eye-opener. [My cousin] and I are much closer now, too.
I have known you my whole life, [']. I don't know where you are with all of this, but I hope we can at least have positive feelings about one another.
Sincerely,
Seasaw
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Location: Starting over all over again
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Thanks for sharing that, seesaw. I'm sorry to see that your aunt betrayed your trust. I think your email shows a great deal of kindness and compassion towards your aunt. I don't know that I would have as much serenity and recovery as you have shown if I were in the same situation.
Mike
Mike
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Seasaw--beautiful...and as Mike said...serene. I went through something similar...but with my siblings after Dad passed...I truly felt that I had never known 'the' mom that showed up...and over 12 years...my siblings have followed that lead...so kind of like an orphan...not completely but when things are not good...definitely.
I had been Mom's emotional caretaker--especially after Dad had a major stroke 11 years prior and I remember 'believing' it was my turn to step in and be THERE for her more than before (which was all my life and a lot--just didn't realize it then). I wrote her a letter before Dad died...(not knowing that she was and is a narcissist)--and since then...she has implacably worked to make things as hard as possible...even when they are already hard.
Just want you to know that you deserved better from your aunt...but I come from a very enmeshed family like that...and nothing is private...which I had to learn painfully and took a very long time to process. My Dad was an alcoholic and was not perfect...but he never hid nor tried to whitewash his words, actions...deeds. I am very grateful that he lived until I was 45 years old and more able to deal with Mom...(& to come awake as well...through my own daughters' drug use).
Thank you for sharing.
I had been Mom's emotional caretaker--especially after Dad had a major stroke 11 years prior and I remember 'believing' it was my turn to step in and be THERE for her more than before (which was all my life and a lot--just didn't realize it then). I wrote her a letter before Dad died...(not knowing that she was and is a narcissist)--and since then...she has implacably worked to make things as hard as possible...even when they are already hard.
Just want you to know that you deserved better from your aunt...but I come from a very enmeshed family like that...and nothing is private...which I had to learn painfully and took a very long time to process. My Dad was an alcoholic and was not perfect...but he never hid nor tried to whitewash his words, actions...deeds. I am very grateful that he lived until I was 45 years old and more able to deal with Mom...(& to come awake as well...through my own daughters' drug use).
Thank you for sharing.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
I did not read the email, I only read what your motives were.
Amends mean to change. They are done face-to-face and there is a lot of preparation beforehand.
In order to know what I really want I have to know myself well and I also have to understand spiritual principles.
There can be no dishonest motives around an amends. I do them to give back what I stole (emotionally or otherwise)
If you are CERTAIN (have actual proof) that your aunt showed your mother your letter to her then the amends is to your mother for gossiping about her. But all other amends for a lifetime should be covered within that one appt.
Preparation, as I say. The first 8 steps. I use the AA Big Book in conjunction with the ACA program to be sure I'm not going into my amends with guilt shame etc and taking on too much responsibility, but taking honest responsibility.
I know. Doesn't give us the things we want, does it?
But it does give us what we REALLY want, which is peace and a relationship with God.
Amends mean to change. They are done face-to-face and there is a lot of preparation beforehand.
In order to know what I really want I have to know myself well and I also have to understand spiritual principles.
There can be no dishonest motives around an amends. I do them to give back what I stole (emotionally or otherwise)
If you are CERTAIN (have actual proof) that your aunt showed your mother your letter to her then the amends is to your mother for gossiping about her. But all other amends for a lifetime should be covered within that one appt.
Preparation, as I say. The first 8 steps. I use the AA Big Book in conjunction with the ACA program to be sure I'm not going into my amends with guilt shame etc and taking on too much responsibility, but taking honest responsibility.
I know. Doesn't give us the things we want, does it?
But it does give us what we REALLY want, which is peace and a relationship with God.
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