Absolutely selfish thoughts
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Absolutely selfish thoughts
I'm exhausted. It seems like when I talk to my husband it is so draining emotionally.
I got a call this morning from my MIL reminding me that she is coming into town to stay thursday thru saturday. Remind me? I never knew! My husband hadn't told me about this! But that's fine. I will invite her to stay with me and I'll be happy to do the job of telling her about his addiction if he doesn't.
Anyway, she called asking me about him because she tried to call him and he didn't answer and his voice mail was completely full, so she was giving me the message to let him know this thing. She just doesn't know he isn't currently living here.
My mind got to playing tricks on me and I fell for it. After our conversation Wednesday where he talked about meeting his maker, I had visions of him overdoing alcohol and laying in his room dead. I called his phone and no answer and couldn't leave a message. I called his hotel room and there was no answer. So what do you think I did? Yep, went to see if his car was in the lot, and sure enough, it was. I went up to his room and he answered to door. I got more than I bargained for. Another talk I really wasn't ready to dive into. The thing that is really bothering me is that he made mention a couple of times that he didn't think he was going to make it much longer alone; that he would be better off gone and out of everyones way. It really made me mad. I told him that was the most selfish thing he could say and how dare he even think such a thing; it would ruin his kids; what is he thinking!! He just cried.
But seriously...HOW FREAKING SELFISH to think ending it all would some how relieve his family! Is he being serious? I have no idea. This crap is absolutely draining emotionally and physically.
He again wants to know what he has to do. I've already told him numerous times. He again asks when he can come home; doesn't think he can last 6 mo. to a year. I've already discussed this with him a few times. I told him he has been out of the house a month and hasn't done anything and he is the one wasting time.
Its so selfish, all of it.
I got a call this morning from my MIL reminding me that she is coming into town to stay thursday thru saturday. Remind me? I never knew! My husband hadn't told me about this! But that's fine. I will invite her to stay with me and I'll be happy to do the job of telling her about his addiction if he doesn't.
Anyway, she called asking me about him because she tried to call him and he didn't answer and his voice mail was completely full, so she was giving me the message to let him know this thing. She just doesn't know he isn't currently living here.
My mind got to playing tricks on me and I fell for it. After our conversation Wednesday where he talked about meeting his maker, I had visions of him overdoing alcohol and laying in his room dead. I called his phone and no answer and couldn't leave a message. I called his hotel room and there was no answer. So what do you think I did? Yep, went to see if his car was in the lot, and sure enough, it was. I went up to his room and he answered to door. I got more than I bargained for. Another talk I really wasn't ready to dive into. The thing that is really bothering me is that he made mention a couple of times that he didn't think he was going to make it much longer alone; that he would be better off gone and out of everyones way. It really made me mad. I told him that was the most selfish thing he could say and how dare he even think such a thing; it would ruin his kids; what is he thinking!! He just cried.
But seriously...HOW FREAKING SELFISH to think ending it all would some how relieve his family! Is he being serious? I have no idea. This crap is absolutely draining emotionally and physically.
He again wants to know what he has to do. I've already told him numerous times. He again asks when he can come home; doesn't think he can last 6 mo. to a year. I've already discussed this with him a few times. I told him he has been out of the house a month and hasn't done anything and he is the one wasting time.
Its so selfish, all of it.
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So was he intoxicated during these "meeting his maker conversations?
XA seemed to want to have the" I just don't want to live anymore conversation " when he was starting to sober up from his buzz.
And yes indeed the selfishness of addiction continues to bear it's ugly head!
XA seemed to want to have the" I just don't want to live anymore conversation " when he was starting to sober up from his buzz.
And yes indeed the selfishness of addiction continues to bear it's ugly head!
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
Katchie. it looks, to me, like you are doing the only thing that you can do...which is holding your boundaries.
dandylion
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Katchie, I'm so sorry you feel so exhausted and drained but I am not surprised. Nobody can understand the tole it takes on you physically and mentally to be on this merry go round with an alcoholic unless they have lived it themselves (which unluckily we all have here).
They are selfish, and self absorbed- my x used to tell me that he felt he would be better off dead as he was a burden to everyone, at first I felt so sorry for him and then I just felt angry like you- and as you say how selfish when there are also children involved.
It's like banging your head against a wall isn't it- you've told him your boundaries and he isn't deaf or that unintelligent to understand them- he just doesn't like what he hears so he will ask again and again and again thinking the answer will change. After I walked out on my x and after some horrific things he said and did I told him where I stood- and yet he would ask me again and again and tell me things that he was allegedly doing in hope that I would change my mind I guess. He had 6 months of me still being in contact with him after how appalling he behaved and in all that time he did nothing tangible to make the relationship work.
We had the same conversations over and over and over and yes it is utterly exhausting. It got to a point with me where I just couldn't keep having the same conversations but for some reason I did- or he would say something to get a reaction from me and therefore I would continue to talk to him. I'm actually exhausted just thinking about it.
Is it an option for your own sanity and well being that you could tell him that you have made your boundaries clear and you now need some time to be left alone because you can't keep having the same conversation? Give yourself some space away from it? Or is this not a possibility.
Sending you strength x
They are selfish, and self absorbed- my x used to tell me that he felt he would be better off dead as he was a burden to everyone, at first I felt so sorry for him and then I just felt angry like you- and as you say how selfish when there are also children involved.
It's like banging your head against a wall isn't it- you've told him your boundaries and he isn't deaf or that unintelligent to understand them- he just doesn't like what he hears so he will ask again and again and again thinking the answer will change. After I walked out on my x and after some horrific things he said and did I told him where I stood- and yet he would ask me again and again and tell me things that he was allegedly doing in hope that I would change my mind I guess. He had 6 months of me still being in contact with him after how appalling he behaved and in all that time he did nothing tangible to make the relationship work.
We had the same conversations over and over and over and yes it is utterly exhausting. It got to a point with me where I just couldn't keep having the same conversations but for some reason I did- or he would say something to get a reaction from me and therefore I would continue to talk to him. I'm actually exhausted just thinking about it.
Is it an option for your own sanity and well being that you could tell him that you have made your boundaries clear and you now need some time to be left alone because you can't keep having the same conversation? Give yourself some space away from it? Or is this not a possibility.
Sending you strength x
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Originally Posted by marie1960
So was he intoxicated during these "meeting his maker conversations?
XA seemed to want to have the" I just don't want to live anymore conversation " when he was starting to sober up from his buzz.
And yes indeed the selfishness of addiction continues to bear it's ugly head!
XA seemed to want to have the" I just don't want to live anymore conversation " when he was starting to sober up from his buzz.
And yes indeed the selfishness of addiction continues to bear it's ugly head!
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Originally Posted by Jane11
Katchie, I'm so sorry you feel so exhausted and drained but I am not surprised. Nobody can understand the tole it takes on you physically and mentally to be on this merry go round with an alcoholic unless they have lived it themselves (which unluckily we all have here).
They are selfish, and self absorbed- my x used to tell me that he felt he would be better off dead as he was a burden to everyone, at first I felt so sorry for him and then I just felt angry like you- and as you say how selfish when there are also children involved.
It's like banging your head against a wall isn't it- you've told him your boundaries and he isn't deaf or that unintelligent to understand them- he just doesn't like what he hears so he will ask again and again and again thinking the answer will change. After I walked out on my x and after some horrific things he said and did I told him where I stood- and yet he would ask me again and again and tell me things that he was allegedly doing in hope that I would change my mind I guess. He had 6 months of me still being in contact with him after how appalling he behaved and in all that time he did nothing tangible to make the relationship work.
We had the same conversations over and over and over and yes it is utterly exhausting. It got to a point with me where I just couldn't keep having the same conversations but for some reason I did- or he would say something to get a reaction from me and therefore I would continue to talk to him. I'm actually exhausted just thinking about it.
Is it an option for your own sanity and well being that you could tell him that you have made your boundaries clear and you now need some time to be left alone because you can't keep having the same conversation? Give yourself some space away from it? Or is this not a possibility.
Sending you strength x
They are selfish, and self absorbed- my x used to tell me that he felt he would be better off dead as he was a burden to everyone, at first I felt so sorry for him and then I just felt angry like you- and as you say how selfish when there are also children involved.
It's like banging your head against a wall isn't it- you've told him your boundaries and he isn't deaf or that unintelligent to understand them- he just doesn't like what he hears so he will ask again and again and again thinking the answer will change. After I walked out on my x and after some horrific things he said and did I told him where I stood- and yet he would ask me again and again and tell me things that he was allegedly doing in hope that I would change my mind I guess. He had 6 months of me still being in contact with him after how appalling he behaved and in all that time he did nothing tangible to make the relationship work.
We had the same conversations over and over and over and yes it is utterly exhausting. It got to a point with me where I just couldn't keep having the same conversations but for some reason I did- or he would say something to get a reaction from me and therefore I would continue to talk to him. I'm actually exhausted just thinking about it.
Is it an option for your own sanity and well being that you could tell him that you have made your boundaries clear and you now need some time to be left alone because you can't keep having the same conversation? Give yourself some space away from it? Or is this not a possibility.
Sending you strength x
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"On my way home I actually was thinking about just not speaking to him for a little while since his drama seems to have increased and it is very disturbing."
And that's when you really know you are changing! I hope you feel some empowerment. That realization that life is more calm when they aren't involved is VERY powerful. (((HUGS))) Katchie!
And that's when you really know you are changing! I hope you feel some empowerment. That realization that life is more calm when they aren't involved is VERY powerful. (((HUGS))) Katchie!
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Originally Posted by Katchie
It just feels like enforcing this boundary is having the opposite affect. I hoped it would cause him to run to recovery. I was so wrong, or at least right now I'm very wrong. I hate and love him all at the same time.
I'm not saying to have hope - but don't give up yet. Move forward with your plans.
He keeps asking the same question he's not accepting the answer. He hasn't had that moment of clarity. He has not accepted that he is powerless over alcohol - still trying to find a way to have it all.
He may have that moment today, tomorrow or sometime. He is hitting bottom. I' can't predict he will decide to get sober. I hope that he does.
I am sorry for all this Katchie. Suicidal thoughts may seem selfish, but they aren't. He is miserable. I certainly hope he will not act on them I hope it is just "talk" - I hope that he gets tired of feeling this way and does something about it .
(((hugs)))
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Katchie.....a boundary is to protect you from the effects or actions of another. It is not to get a certain "effect" from them. No primarily. Your job is to protect yourself and you best interests--above all else...because you have no control over the other person.
I suspect that this is a sticky wicket for you because you want to preserve the marriage so much...and, you hope that establishing boundaries will put him in a position that he will have no choice but to come around. You hope, I suspect, that y ou feel that his basic love for his family will get him to "see the l ight" and, thus, do what he needs to do to get sober from the alcohol and deliver y ou all from this nightmare.
Katchie, don't underestimate the power of the disease...while under the control, he can't love anything more than the alcohol. It feels, literally like oxygen to him. It would be like asking you to give up all food and water for the love of your family.
I think the step of realizing that you are powerless over the alcholic...because the alcoholic is powerless over the alcohol (until they reach for TRUE recovery) is what is exhausting you.
I do agree with you that having these talks with him is not "helping" you at all...the opposite. He is usually drunk or in hang-over mode. The thinking, even when sober, for the practicing alcoholic is the same....it is distorted thinking..characterized by denial and rationalization. Even in recovery, it takes a while for that kind of thinking to begin to change.
The reality of this disease just sucks....
dandylion
I suspect that this is a sticky wicket for you because you want to preserve the marriage so much...and, you hope that establishing boundaries will put him in a position that he will have no choice but to come around. You hope, I suspect, that y ou feel that his basic love for his family will get him to "see the l ight" and, thus, do what he needs to do to get sober from the alcohol and deliver y ou all from this nightmare.
Katchie, don't underestimate the power of the disease...while under the control, he can't love anything more than the alcohol. It feels, literally like oxygen to him. It would be like asking you to give up all food and water for the love of your family.
I think the step of realizing that you are powerless over the alcholic...because the alcoholic is powerless over the alcohol (until they reach for TRUE recovery) is what is exhausting you.
I do agree with you that having these talks with him is not "helping" you at all...the opposite. He is usually drunk or in hang-over mode. The thinking, even when sober, for the practicing alcoholic is the same....it is distorted thinking..characterized by denial and rationalization. Even in recovery, it takes a while for that kind of thinking to begin to change.
The reality of this disease just sucks....
dandylion
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Katchie.....a boundary is to protect you from the effects or actions of another. It is not to get a certain "effect" from them. No primarily. Your job is to protect yourself and you best interests--above all else...because you have no control over the other person.
I suspect that this is a sticky wicket for you because you want to preserve the marriage so much...and, you hope that establishing boundaries will put him in a position that he will have no choice but to come around. You hope, I suspect, that y ou feel that his basic love for his family will get him to "see the l ight" and, thus, do what he needs to do to get sober from the alcohol and deliver y ou all from this nightmare.
Katchie, don't underestimate the power of the disease...while under the control, he can't love anything more than the alcohol. It feels, literally like oxygen to him. It would be like asking you to give up all food and water for the love of your family.
I think the step of realizing that you are powerless over the alcholic...because the alcoholic is powerless over the alcohol (until they reach for TRUE recovery) is what is exhausting you.
I do agree with you that having these talks with him is not "helping" you at all...the opposite. He is usually drunk or in hang-over mode. The thinking, even when sober, for the practicing alcoholic is the same....it is distorted thinking..characterized by denial and rationalization. Even in recovery, it takes a while for that kind of thinking to begin to change.
The reality of this disease just sucks....
dandylion
I suspect that this is a sticky wicket for you because you want to preserve the marriage so much...and, you hope that establishing boundaries will put him in a position that he will have no choice but to come around. You hope, I suspect, that y ou feel that his basic love for his family will get him to "see the l ight" and, thus, do what he needs to do to get sober from the alcohol and deliver y ou all from this nightmare.
Katchie, don't underestimate the power of the disease...while under the control, he can't love anything more than the alcohol. It feels, literally like oxygen to him. It would be like asking you to give up all food and water for the love of your family.
I think the step of realizing that you are powerless over the alcholic...because the alcoholic is powerless over the alcohol (until they reach for TRUE recovery) is what is exhausting you.
I do agree with you that having these talks with him is not "helping" you at all...the opposite. He is usually drunk or in hang-over mode. The thinking, even when sober, for the practicing alcoholic is the same....it is distorted thinking..characterized by denial and rationalization. Even in recovery, it takes a while for that kind of thinking to begin to change.
The reality of this disease just sucks....
dandylion
I'm still enforcing my boundaries; he isn't coming home. I've stuck to my word I gave myself, and the word I've given him. I know I cannot live like that anymore, but it doesn't lessen the pain of hearing the father of my children suggest such awful things. Not saying you were insinuating that, it's just me rattling things out of my head. It all seems so unbelievable.
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As has been wisely said, the boundaries are for you. Within each A there has to be a boundary that THEY set between them alchol and a life misery. When he sets that boundary he will get help. This self absorbed self pity is a sign he hasn't set it yet. I passed people everyday on the street when I lived in a big city who hadn't set the boundary. We just have to painfully accept we can't set theirs any more than they can set ours.
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If he threatens suicide, call 911.
A word of caution: Manipulation aside, once someone gets to the point where their own life means nothing to them, your's might not either.
He is escalating and may not be capable of rational thought. Please stay safe!
(((Hugs)))
A word of caution: Manipulation aside, once someone gets to the point where their own life means nothing to them, your's might not either.
He is escalating and may not be capable of rational thought. Please stay safe!
(((Hugs)))
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Praying for you through this.....
Your vision of your husband is one of my fears! My husband is extremely manipulative to the point that he can make me feel sorry for him and when I do not give in to it....the truth reveals itself. I'm not going to let my fears control me....I know God has built me up to this point for a purpose and I'm going to keep moving forward.
Through my seperation (4 months) so much has been revealed to me that I was blind to. My husband was very good at manipulating me and controlling me in ways that now I think how stupid of me to tolerate his behavior. He was not verbally/emotionally abusive until I stopped tolerating his behavior and believing his lies.....he didn't need to verbally/emotionally abuse me because I let him control me
This is such a difficult road and God will guide us through.....my favorite scripture for my season in life right now
Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Your vision of your husband is one of my fears! My husband is extremely manipulative to the point that he can make me feel sorry for him and when I do not give in to it....the truth reveals itself. I'm not going to let my fears control me....I know God has built me up to this point for a purpose and I'm going to keep moving forward.
Through my seperation (4 months) so much has been revealed to me that I was blind to. My husband was very good at manipulating me and controlling me in ways that now I think how stupid of me to tolerate his behavior. He was not verbally/emotionally abusive until I stopped tolerating his behavior and believing his lies.....he didn't need to verbally/emotionally abuse me because I let him control me
This is such a difficult road and God will guide us through.....my favorite scripture for my season in life right now
Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
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I'm trying not to worry, but I've been reading about alcoholism and suicide and it really scares me. I know it could be a ploy to get back in the home, but he was bawling about it and the last time I saw him actually bawl was when his dad passed away. He kept saying how lonely he is, and of course, reading what I've been reading lists loneliness in the life of an alcoholic as a risk factor. This is tearing me up. I probably need to give his brother a call.
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Originally Posted by Katchie
I'm trying not to worry, but I've been reading about alcoholism and suicide and it really scares me. I know it could be a ploy to get back in the home, but he was bawling about it and the last time I saw him actually bawl was when his dad passed away. He kept saying how lonely he is, and of course, reading what I've been reading lists loneliness in the life of an alcoholic as a risk factor. This is tearing me up. I probably need to give his brother a call.
I think my husband is lonely because he is wearing a mask and no one knows his struggle....he walks around like everything is okay yet he's dying inside and he is not willing to change. It is a sad thing to see but I know I cannot help him....I tried and ended up sick myself. It's between him and God now.. It is so hard not trying to catch him....
Awhile ago I had a vision of two roads side by side and my car kept going into the other road......but I was directed to stay on my road. I think of this (I know it's silly) often . I need to stay on my road!! This was a hard one for me because I spent so much of my marriage trying to drive in the wrong lane lol.
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I do hope you have a therapist for yourself to help navigate through these very difficult times. You are going through the wringer. I know that you've been hesitant to engage his family in the past but given the mention of suicide, whether real or a ploy to manipulate you, it may be an option you want to consider. You need as much support as you can get and if they can at all be a help it would be a good thing. I fully admit and have mentioned this in prior threads that my family being informed by hubbie was pretty awful BUT I could no longer hide behind my addiction. Hate to say it but in the end it was probably a very good thing in forcing my hand into recovery.
Peace,
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Peace,
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"It is a sad thing to see but I know I cannot help him....I tried and ended up sick myself. It's between him and God now.."
This..I told him this today. I explained all the things I tried to do to get him to stop and how in the end it was only making me sick. He told me that being so lonely is making him drink. I replied that when he was home and not lonely he drank then, too, so now what? And, he may have been home, but I was lonely because it wasn't really him home. I just don't think any amount of talking will change anything.
I did see my therapist right after seeing him at the hotel. My therapist tried to calm me and agreed that perhaps his family could step in instead of me. She told me if I map out a plan of action for him to get help and he doesn't follow it so that it works then I will be blamed or it could be used as an excuse some how.
It's all confusing. When my emotions are not running high I can see clearly; this isn't one of those times.
This..I told him this today. I explained all the things I tried to do to get him to stop and how in the end it was only making me sick. He told me that being so lonely is making him drink. I replied that when he was home and not lonely he drank then, too, so now what? And, he may have been home, but I was lonely because it wasn't really him home. I just don't think any amount of talking will change anything.
I did see my therapist right after seeing him at the hotel. My therapist tried to calm me and agreed that perhaps his family could step in instead of me. She told me if I map out a plan of action for him to get help and he doesn't follow it so that it works then I will be blamed or it could be used as an excuse some how.
It's all confusing. When my emotions are not running high I can see clearly; this isn't one of those times.
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