Honshine

Hey guys!!!

Been silent but still reading. I just gotten to the point where I'm just so tired of talking about it.

His sister called me last night and like a moron I answered the phone. She (who is also a drunk, their house is like an alcoholic trap house) said that no one knew where he was and was wanting to know if he was with me. They do this all the time every time he's going on a bender and I've been in agony (this time excluded cuz I'm really just numb to it all) they will call me either with their problems with him or they will call me to tell me that he's missing which is nothing new. Evvvvvery single time. I stayed very short's told her he wasn't here. She asked how the kids were doing I said fine. She asked how I was doing I said fine. Then pretty much told her to have a good night got off the phone and blocked her number.

That was just a little update is not anything that I'm torn up about it or need to talk about. It's just the way it goes with that whole family. What I had questions about was alcoholics in general. I've done so much research on alcoholism I could probably be Dr. Phil. What I was wondering is I've been reading everything on here and I keep seeing mind games pop up. And manipulation etc etc...

I know alcoholics are manipulative. I know their consciously manipulative on a level. But are they really mentally equipped to play constant mind games? Like, what would be the purpose for that? Something they just do unintentionally, this whole mind game business? Or is it more that their so out of touch with their real feelings that they don't know up-and-down of what they're saying? As In they just don't know what's going on in their own head? Because mind games strike me as something malicious. Something people do intentionally. And I'm having trouble wondering if alcoholics are even capable of that kind of network. It was just random curiosity. Learning I guess.

SadInTX

I think you may be onto something...my AH tells me I am the one playing mind games...very frustrating....I think it is very difficult for an alcoholic to see who they really are, so they try to drown their feelings...try to escape for a little while...and try to play these games with others...tell them it's their fault that they drink...their fault they are unhappy..so on and so on...they just need to find and use life coping skills...alcohol just makes it worse...good for you for putting boundaries in place for your SIL...

Stung

Here is my understanding, take what you like ignore the rest.

It sounds like your qualifier grew up in an alcoholic home, my AH did too. So he learned a lot of behaviors (controlling, manipulating, guilt, shame, escapism, lying, etc.) without knowing that they were 1. not normal and 2. that he was really doing any of those things to begin with (or that those behaviors had labels, those things are NORMAL in alcoholic families.)

I am also pretty controlling and manipulative but I am working on being much less so through my own recovery methods. Before last year I would have NEVER believed that I was controlling or that I ever used any escapism methods or that I had ever been emotionally or verbally abusive. I was doing what I was raised with and to me that felt pretty "normal". And I'm not an addict but I was raised with an ACOA and NPD mom. She raised me with what she knew and it's probably exactly what she was raised with.

My husband still has a difficult time seeing how manipulative and controlling he is at times but we're both getting better in that area. You don't know what you don't know.

It's not really malicious, in my opinion, it's just what happens when you aren't thoughtful with your words and actions and in my experience, it's my fight or flight response.

hopeful4

They will say and do what they need to do to keep their addiction first. They will be around people who support that addiction the most.

And sometimes, they are just a$$holes.

Sorry......

Honshine

LOL good point, good point.


And thank you stung I like your take on it.

Butterfly

I agree they will say what ever they need to to protect their addiction especially if they feel it is threatened!! My stbxah was very good at this but I also noticed that his thoughts and feelings changed daily sometimes hourly his thoughts and feelings were all over the place probably still are!! His one constant, he wanted to drink and didn't want to get help!!

NYCDoglvr

So don't answer the phone! By doing that you're essentially saying it's ok for them to call.

Honshine

Yeah I just figured out how to block the number so it shouldn't happen again. On that phone anyways -_-