Sinderos

I feel like a loser. Lonely very depressed and like there is no hope. I was sober Friday and Saturday because my mom was visiting. As I was taking her home I battled with myself with the thought of not drinking yesterday. I decided not drinking was pointless because no one would care. I guess I don't put value on me caring. I really want a happy life. I know drinking will not allow that. I keep searching for happiness but not sober. It's hard to find happiness when you're stuck at home drunk. So I guess I'm not searching too hard for happiness.

Sorry for the ramble. I just needed to get this out.

Nonsensical

I disagree that it's hard.

It's impossible.

You have very clearly identified the problem. How will you resolve this? What's the plan?

doggonecarl

What happened between your previous post, where you were expressing such a positive attitude about getting sober, and this one?

Happiness is elusive. Seeking it almost assures that you won't attain it.

Sobriety, on the other hand, is less elusive and can be attained. But it takes effort on your part. Everything of importance takes effort. If you really want the rewards of sobriety, do what it takes.

Sinderos

The bottle pulled and I allowed myself to drink. That is what happened. Part of why I feel like a loser. I just don't understand why it is so difficult to quit. I do want to quit even though it doesn't seem like it.

I started drinking 4 years ago. (I'm 40) I was very involved in church and very active with a lot of "friends". As soon as I made the decision to leave a miserable marriage all but a couple of those friends turned their back on me. I went through 10 months of severe depression. I know what it's like sober and drunk. I guess that is why it's so hard for me. Either way I'm lonely and sad.

Della1968

But at least if you put the drink aside there is hope to not be lonely and sad. Drinking is a one way street to more of the same.

IOAA2

Hi.
First thing, we drink because we are alcoholics. Spare the BS excuses as we all have had them and the way out is being honest with ourselves about our drinking and then accepting the fact we cannot drink one day at a time IN A ROW in safety.
It’s that simple. Not easy. I chose AA and have worked on my sobriety for a lot of years and it has certainly been worth it even with all the ups and downs of lifes happenings. It’s an accomplishment to feel comfortable in my own skin most of the time.

The program and people posting here have simple ways to start and continue sobriety but be aware this is a lifelong affair not just for a temp fix.

I needed many meetings of listening and identifying. The idea is not thinking about drinking, instead think of non drinking thoughts.
Something that made sense to me is the fact that if I don’t pick up the first drink I won’t have to try to get sober AGAIN. I was lucky to achieve that.

BE WELL

totfit

It's hard to find happiness when you're stuck at home drunk. So I guess I'm not searching too hard for happiness.


Appears you got that much pretty well figured out...........so we know what you have to do. I have found that "searching for happiness" is a fairly fruitless pursuit. Living life fully and becoming involved fully with others is key. If you strive to live life fully, happiness finds you. There is no search. The issue is that this does not come in a bottle or a drug. It is something that requires us to move through life, sometimes uncomfortably at first. We have fears that play on us and keep us from doing the things we need and WANT to do. By moving through these fears to the other side we will find fulfillment and happiness will find us.

doggonecarl

What's the old saying, "Quitting is easy, I've done it a hundred times."

Staying quit is the challenge. Why is it so difficult to stay quit, is the question. I could be wrong, since I don't know the particulars of your recovery, but I'd guess you aren't doing the things that give you the best chance of success in your recovery.

I know it isn't easy, and depression doesn't help. But you have to push past your fear and what not and make the hard, difficult changes to support your sobriety. And maybe you need more help than you are able to give yourself.

waywardson8260

Thanks for sharing this with us.

Clearly you identified the problem and the cause of your unhappiness. The solution is obvious. When you are ready to quit there is a lot of support here.

Wishing for the best in the future.

Nonsensical

This happened to me, too. It's called addicition.

I didn't understand it for a long time. I thought knowing I need to quit meant I wouldn't feel like drinking ever again. Then I would have this battle raging in my head about drinking. Then I would drink. Then I would feel crummy about myself and think I must not be serious yet.

There's a better way. You have to suffer through the desire to drink (without drinking) for a while to get there, but IT IS SO WORTH IT.

You can do this.

Fly N Buy

Sinderos,

Glad you're here and posting.
At 8 months today, sobriety is truly amazing. But, simply not drinking isn't enough. We have to find ways to engage in life.

When you were sober and depressed, did you seek counseling and/or go to your physician???

I know I had to quit drinking, stay stopped - but also reach out for help. If I did not I think I simply would be undrunk and resentful. Quitting is foundational obviously, but it's not in and of itself the miracle of sobriety.....

Keep coming back, and perhaps consider expanding your outside support?!?

Sinderos

Thank you everyone for your encouragement. When I was sober and depressed it was situational due to a divorce. I can definitely see that living life fully is what will bring happiness. I never thought of it that way and have wanted to be happy for a long time.

Now my challenge will be learning how to live life fully without alcohol. I can imagine doing that will help me not to drink. Taking it one day at a time will be the key.

I'm so hesitant to get outside help such as AA. It seems everyone knows someone in this city and I don't want to be the talk of the office. I can't really afford a counselor and I'm afraid using my insurance will tip off my hr department to my issue. We have a small office that loves to gossip.

I need to put my fears aside and embrace getting sober regardless of who finds out. It's just a scary thought that people will find out. I'm new in this town so no one knows the truth. Other than perhaps the people at the various liquor stores.

Soberwolf

Keep trying (((Sinderos))) you can do this

PurpleKnight

Never give up Sinderos!! Sobriety was my foundation for finding something better in life!!

You can do this!!

SoberCAH

Doggonecarl says it best - seeking happiness guarantees you won't find it.

In AA, we work the steps and, if we do, we receive the promises, which themselves consist of a lot of wisdom, contentment and happiness.

They are by-products of working the steps of the program.

When I was new in recovery, I would catch myself trying to work the promises instead of the steps.

Stay with us here on this forum - good thread.

Dee74

personally my drinking got me talked about a lot more than my recovery does...but ok...

you've given thought to what you won't do - what will you do to change Sinderos?


D

Thepatman

Anyone at AA that sees you is in AA. It's completely anonymous.

Sinderos

I've only lived in this city since May. I don't go out. I'm single and drink at home alone. They don't know I have a problem. Right now I'm hiding it. However I know it will come to light if I keep up the heavy drinking. I imagine others in my past town had an idea. I basically go to work, grocery shop on lunch hours so I can go straight home to my dogs and the bottle. I do wonder what my neighbors think since I'm in an apartment and have to walk my dogs. Usually under the influence. I love my babies though and make sure they are taken care of regardless of what the neighbors think.

I have made the decision to change. I will not lose everything because of alcohol. That is the path I'm on right now. Only I can change it. I've got a call into a counselor to schedule an appointment. Hopefully in the next few days therapy can start. I know I need it.

Thank you to everyone for your support.

Soberwolf

Thats really positive news Sinderos good luck with the therapy

If you ever want to talk you can send a pm whenever you want bud