LadyWitch

I had originally posted this in another thresd, But someone said I should probably start a new one, so HERE goes

MY original post

Hello all.
I am New here and need to find out if MY thinking is stinking or if I did the right thing. I am really depressed, I asked my EX-A to move out the 1st of DEC. I got tired of the BS I was putting up with because even though he was in recovery ( he hadn't been to a meeting in 19 months or touched his BB in that long or longer) and usually his behavior was explosive, he would get mad at me for the smallest things, such as if we were" talking" It mainly consisted of him orating and me listening, If I asked a question or made any kind of comment at all he would blow up and accuse me of being disrespectful and interrupting. There were other incidents too, like taking his anger out on vehicles ( well my vehicle) he would never in a million years do that to his, I had become sick and tired of everything that was going on and during our last argument he got really nasty and I told him if he didn't like it he could pack his "stuff" and get the "eff" out. Not my finest moment but I was totally exhausted from his crazy making behaviors'. I had finally gotten to the end of my rope. WE have tried several times to have discussions about our relationship, I once asked him where he saw us in 30 days, I needed to get a feel for where his head was without pressuring him ( I do love him, I have loved him for 34 years). His response was that he couldn't think about anything more than 24 hours in advance, ( I get the whole 1 day at a time BUT was that a valid response, or was he just trying to shine me on in hopes I would sleep with him so he didn't have to go through all the machinations of dating to get sex( believe me sex is a BIG part of what he lives for) at any rate, our last big blow up came when I basically told him to stop playing push me pull me, yes I want you no I don't, He would call to ask for a favor and then not call for days on end to even say hello. ( that isn't okay in my book if you really want a relationship) I was starting to feel used by him not loved, started to seem like every single time we talked about anything other than him we had a blowup. I finally told him that I needed to know if he really wanted to work on the relationship or not. That either we truly worked at it or he let me go so I could move on with my life, and get beyond him, He said he wanted to be friends, and I said that I was unable to do that because I couldn't do the in between thing. He threw a tantrum and left, and I haven't spoken to him since. It's been really hard. I love him, I have tried to call a couple of times and He hit ignore on the phone ( VM after 2 rings equals he hit ignore) not to ask him to come home or anything, but I needed a phone number he had. At this point I am hurt, confused and angry.
My son and I call it making love to his butt hurt when he acts like this. He turns his tender emotions and feelings off at the drop of a hat, IF he ever had any in the first place all I get is angry Jerk. I am really struggling with being in the same town with him, I just want to RUN for the hills. AM I wrong to feel this way?
LadyWitch

ladyscribbler

Hey, welcome.
No, you are not wrong. He sounds really manipulative, like he is using the whole "One Day at a Time" thing to shine you on.
Seems like he is someone who knows the recovery lingo but is not really working a program.
How are you and your son doing ? Have you been to any Alanon meetings or worked any type of recovery for yourself?

biminiblue

How ever you feel is valid. No one gets to dictate to another what the "right" way to feel is.

With that said, sounds like taking a good long break would be really good for you to get some peace.

You say you've loved him for 34 years. Are you married? Has he always had these outbursts?

LadyWitch

I used to go to Al-anon, but my work schedule interferes I am struggling in more than one area. My son is a lot better about this then I am, although probably because he is grown and He is his step son. My son has a certain way about him. He can look at things from an objective angle ( he isn't the one in the tug of war). I just wish my EX- AH would fall of the face of the planet, I love the area I live in but cant stand to be in this small town. The other day I thought I could run into town ( I actually live in the county) grab a few groceries, and get back home without running in to him, NO SUCH LUCK. I was coming through a traffic light and there he was on the right side of the cross street, waving at me Like a loon, I feel like he was trying to rub his quote HAPPINESS endqoute in my face, because of the look on his face. I did the only thing I could think of at the time I flipped him off. felt good for about 30 seconds, then I was upset all over again. I have been so jerked around by him that I still don't know if I am coming or going. I guess he had me conditioned to respond to his behavior a certain way and when I stopped responding the way he wanted me to he looked for any excuse to move on.

LadyWitch

Short answer is..... yes. he has always had these outburst. and NO we aren't married any longer. I had one written out that gave some of the highlights of our relationship, but I lost it when I went to post it darn it

zoso77

Sometimes we reach a point where enough is enough...when mentally and emotionally we've reached our limit. It sounds to me like you've reached that point, perhaps even exceeded it.

It doesn't matter how much we love someone if that someone is emotionally toxic to us. He, at this moment, is toxic to you. So you did what you had to do. A lot of times when we do what we have to do, it's unpleasant but necessary.

Ladyscribber made a good suggestion about Al Anon. Perhaps it is time to get back into meetings and do some work on yourself?

LadyWitch

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I wish I hadn't lost the long post, I thought it was it was really good, maybe I will re write it in note and up load it someday. It was cathartic just writing it. so that helped, I went out to have a smoke break and actually felt a sigh of relief. I have fallen in love with this board. thank you to everyone so far

lillamy

Welcome -- and my answer is that whatever you're feeling is never WRONG. The only thing that can be wrong is how you act based on your feelings.

Whether he's sober or not doesn't matter. If he's treating you in a way that makes you miserable, you have every right to ask him to move out.

LadyWitch

It would probably be easier if he wasnt being such a JERK. Why do people have to do that to each other? I cant seem to wrap my head around the why of it all. My son says not to try to figure out the why, But it really bugs me. How can someone profess to love you and then be so nasty towards you. I agree that how I react based on my feelings is can be wrong at times, but I am just so emotionally raw and confused, that there are times when I really dont know how to react. I guess stunned isnt an an emotion. Even when I was telling him to leave I never raised my voice. My son says he is proud of me for standing up for myself, and is saying I am coming back around to the person I was when he was younger. But there are days that it is so hard. I just want to lay in bed and cry all day

LadyWitch

I was thinking about all the post I read and posted yesterday. I was basically talking to myself trying to figure things out, trying to figure out what is is I am feeling, and what it is that I truly want . It hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember thinking I want him to feel something anything, Thinking that I wanted him to feel as bad as he made me feel. So I asked myself what it truly was that I wanted him to feel, a the answer hit me like a bolt of lightening.... REMORSE. There it was, I wanted him to feel remorse for everything he put me through, Remorse for all the chaos, and havoc that his behavior had wrought in my life. I suddenly had another revelation. He will NEVER feel remorse for anything, because he is a self entitled, jerk that believes the earth should revolve around him. He is incapable of true remorse, therefore he will NEVER truly be sober. He will most probably spend the rest of his life in a state of being on a dry drunk. There is nothing I can do to stop it, and nothing to do to "help" him. He wants to live life on his terms and his terms only. That being said, I can now move on, I have had enough of his emotional abuse,and mental abuse to last me a life time. I am no longer hurt and angry, I am ready to work on me, and make my self and my life better. Having a much better day today thanks to all of you, Much love and hugs for helping me get through the darkness I felt coming. I cant say it will be a bed of roses, and that it wont be hard, I know that it will BUT, I have a tentative plan and I will continue to work on that plan until I meet MY goals. Yes I finally have a goal to look forward to.

lillamy

Well, I'm a simple woman. If someone is nasty towards me, that action shows me that regardless of what they may SAY, they, in fact, do NOT love me. Because in my universe, you are not nasty to people you really love.

LadyWitch

yep, figured it out finally he doesn't love me, he doesn't love anyone. except himself. He professes love to get sex, because that is the only way he can get close to a woman. Oh he might love his mother, but I kinda doubt it, because since we have been separated, He has complained to me about what a rough time he is having living with her. I don't think that is my problem. however when he was ranting and raving about how hard it was to live with her, I also wonder if he was feeling me out about was I open to him moving back home.... Gotta have that back up plan right??/. Anyway, I am feeling so much better than I have in a very long time. AND NO!!! I will not be letting him move home. My current plan is to sell my trailer, any furniture I have and BLOW town, A geographical cure might not be the correct thing to do, BUT, I know for a fact that where I am going I won't be hearing from him. He has a warrant for his arrest from over 30 years ago that is STILL active.

Jane11

Ladywitch you sound very strong right now and very clear and focused, hold onto that and good for you

LadyWitch

I will be going to my first meeting of al-anon in a very long time. Due to job requirements and life I simply didnt get to go, then when job constraints got lowered I still didnt go, not sure why just didnt. I called the hotline on Valentines day because I was such a mess. so today, I am going back. I will have to relearn everything, how to detach, with love when what I want to do is confront him with everything I know about his lies and BS. I have to relearn how to let go and I will have to relearn how to go no contact, because llets face it I am co-dependent where he is concerned. I have to learn to set boundries with him, which is something I have never done, and I need to get my head clear again. I vacilate between loving him and wanting to run for the hills. I will also be starting my first blog today after I get home from the meeting. If anyone wants to hear the entire story it will be there soon/ I need to put it all down so I dont forget what he had done, and so that I can go back and look at everthing when I feel like I want to contact him. I also intend to start a journal too. maybe I will be able to get myself so busy that what he does wont matter anylonger. more later after my meeting

LadyWitch

I have moved from the area, sold my truck and trailer for half of what I paid for it, but hey at least I could leave town. put most of my belongings in storage, and moved. I am doing better. NOT perfect, but better. Progress is what counts right? Any way. I have a good job, a place to live and I am safe. I wont disclose the location here because at the end it was getting really hairy around my area. he was showing up at work and calling, Guess he sensed something was in the air. I do know that he was blindsided when he called my job and was told that I " no longer worked there." that was the last time I spoke to him. I quit my job, and blew dodge and I am not ever going to look back. Do I still have issues where he is concerned, yes. BUT, I am getting better, slowly and getting over him. thanks for all the support I truly appreciate it

Hey nowI can say I got off the ( merrygoround) where he is concernewd. LOL

Hawkeye13

I don't think your thinking is stinking at all--

You made a wise choice to exit a toxic relationship and got good and far away.

Just be sure not to get weak and contact him--focus on your recovery and learning
about yourself and how you can attract a healthy loving partner in the future.

Good luck with you new life! Keep going to Alanon if you can.

amberly

Stay strong LadyWitch- sounds like a nice long break from XAH is exactly what you need. I hope you are doing something nice for yourself today.

LadyWitch

Just wanted to let y'all know that I am 42 days into the no contact, and doing so much better. So glad I left his ass in the dust.
I am doing nice things for myself, I am currently sitting by the pool and enjoying the evening air although it's starting to get chilly I should probably run inside and grab my sweater. Just wanted to give a quick update here, there is a new post in a different thread that is more indepth about my new life. Love to all who have been so supportive and helpful. and my deepest grattitude, for being there when I was at my lowest. I am go grateful to all that have posted responses to me.

CarmenLove

Great to hear you are doing well :-)