why do i end up feeling like its my fault?
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 52
why do i end up feeling like its my fault?
ok i know i shouldn't be thinking like this and maybe im just having a pity party but why do i feel like i could have done something different and things would have turned out some other way?
Maybe if i hadn't of flipped out and called her all of those horrible names when i found out again that the cheating and use had gone on that we would still be talking and trying to work out a way for her to get help...why do i even care after someone treated me like that?? i cant figure it out. but even with the word that i said, i still went over a few days later to try and talk to her and said that i was sorry for saying all of that to her. i would think that all of may actions over the years should trump the two days of anger that i showed her.
ive been doing pretty good so far and last week sent her a msg and said that i wont have anything to do with you if your still using. i haven't called or txted since then even though i want to...she probably would just ignore me which hurts just as much.
i cant wait for the weekend to be over. all ive done all weekend is lay in bed and read posts on here and feel bad for her. why does she even deserve my pity?
i thought i was a halfway decent boyfriend. i treated her with respect and love and showed her what a normal life could be. house, family, all the regular things people want. and maybe i made a few mistakes here and there but who doesn't. i never cheated on her or lied to her. so why does it feel like its my fault. is it Co D thats making me think this way?
i really thought that forgetting her this time would be easier because the more it happens, my logic would tell me the easier it becomes. this time seems just as hard as every other, if not harder. i thought the whole time she was working for something that was greater. to be sober and go to school, get a job, again all "regular" things.
the let down and disappointment is so hard to get over. nar anon helps and so does reading the posts on here but at the end of the day i cant help but think i should have done something different. things could be so much different of not for that ******* drug and her ****** choices.
Maybe if i hadn't of flipped out and called her all of those horrible names when i found out again that the cheating and use had gone on that we would still be talking and trying to work out a way for her to get help...why do i even care after someone treated me like that?? i cant figure it out. but even with the word that i said, i still went over a few days later to try and talk to her and said that i was sorry for saying all of that to her. i would think that all of may actions over the years should trump the two days of anger that i showed her.
ive been doing pretty good so far and last week sent her a msg and said that i wont have anything to do with you if your still using. i haven't called or txted since then even though i want to...she probably would just ignore me which hurts just as much.
i cant wait for the weekend to be over. all ive done all weekend is lay in bed and read posts on here and feel bad for her. why does she even deserve my pity?
i thought i was a halfway decent boyfriend. i treated her with respect and love and showed her what a normal life could be. house, family, all the regular things people want. and maybe i made a few mistakes here and there but who doesn't. i never cheated on her or lied to her. so why does it feel like its my fault. is it Co D thats making me think this way?
i really thought that forgetting her this time would be easier because the more it happens, my logic would tell me the easier it becomes. this time seems just as hard as every other, if not harder. i thought the whole time she was working for something that was greater. to be sober and go to school, get a job, again all "regular" things.
the let down and disappointment is so hard to get over. nar anon helps and so does reading the posts on here but at the end of the day i cant help but think i should have done something different. things could be so much different of not for that ******* drug and her ****** choices.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Hey...
When you "postgame" everything that had happened and you look at what you could have done differently, it's extremely important to remember that what you valued and what she valued are two totally different things. The things you wanted for her -- sobriety, education, a career -- are things that she apparently does not want for herself.
Take a step back for minute. Higher education and a career takes commitment and sacrifice. But sobriety, for her, would be the ultimate commitment. It would be a lot of hard work. And if she wasn't willing to do that hard work, then how could she do school or have a career?
She couldn't.
She is also incapable of absorbing the good will and the faith you showed her. She's like a big container with a hole in the bottom; pour in love and support, it goes right back out. And that has nothing to do with you, either.
You got hurt pretty bad, and I know what that's like. But the lesson to be learned from your misadventures is people are going to do whatever it is they do, for good, bad or indifferent. And that's a good lesson to learn, provided you remember it going forward. In the meantime, don't beat yourself up anymore. It was never going to work with her. When the time comes, I hope you meet someone who both appreciates you and wants the same things as you.
When you "postgame" everything that had happened and you look at what you could have done differently, it's extremely important to remember that what you valued and what she valued are two totally different things. The things you wanted for her -- sobriety, education, a career -- are things that she apparently does not want for herself.
Take a step back for minute. Higher education and a career takes commitment and sacrifice. But sobriety, for her, would be the ultimate commitment. It would be a lot of hard work. And if she wasn't willing to do that hard work, then how could she do school or have a career?
She couldn't.
She is also incapable of absorbing the good will and the faith you showed her. She's like a big container with a hole in the bottom; pour in love and support, it goes right back out. And that has nothing to do with you, either.
You got hurt pretty bad, and I know what that's like. But the lesson to be learned from your misadventures is people are going to do whatever it is they do, for good, bad or indifferent. And that's a good lesson to learn, provided you remember it going forward. In the meantime, don't beat yourself up anymore. It was never going to work with her. When the time comes, I hope you meet someone who both appreciates you and wants the same things as you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
oddly enough, part of it is our ego.....if I had just done this that or the other, I could CONTROL the outcome. if I had just been <<nicer, more patient, more firm, better in bed, etc etc>> then she would have CHANGED. even when we say we want them to get "better" we have made a determination that how they ARE isn't good enough but with our HELP they CAN be.
as zoso said, she lacks commitment. in NA terms it's called the Easier Softer Way. whatever takes the least amount of effort. and whatever protects the addiction. giving up drugs ain't as easy as it looks from the outside!!! they have an insanely powerful GRIP. until she's ready to be DONE for GOOD, she will stay on the path she is on.
nothing you could do. nothing.
as zoso said, she lacks commitment. in NA terms it's called the Easier Softer Way. whatever takes the least amount of effort. and whatever protects the addiction. giving up drugs ain't as easy as it looks from the outside!!! they have an insanely powerful GRIP. until she's ready to be DONE for GOOD, she will stay on the path she is on.
nothing you could do. nothing.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 65
Zozo and Anvilhead - you both are so very wise and put things into perspective. Thank you so very much for sharing so much on this forum.
To TOH, hang in there. It feels personal, but it really isn't. That's a concept that is hard to realize, but it is the truth. You sound like a great man. Loving someone and watching them while they are in active addiction rips your heart out. And, to continue to offer and love and support during the process shows a lot of compassion. There is absolutely nothing you could have done to help her choose recovery. I've been there, did exactly as you, tried to show what life could be like and he was just too far into his addiction to even see it. He's sober now but recently decided to cut me out of his life because I held him accountable....when he was caught lying again. I know it really is a blessing in disguise..but it does hurt like hell. So, off to meetings I go. I have to work on me. Please focus on YOU, and your happiness. Life is so very, very short. Take care!
To TOH, hang in there. It feels personal, but it really isn't. That's a concept that is hard to realize, but it is the truth. You sound like a great man. Loving someone and watching them while they are in active addiction rips your heart out. And, to continue to offer and love and support during the process shows a lot of compassion. There is absolutely nothing you could have done to help her choose recovery. I've been there, did exactly as you, tried to show what life could be like and he was just too far into his addiction to even see it. He's sober now but recently decided to cut me out of his life because I held him accountable....when he was caught lying again. I know it really is a blessing in disguise..but it does hurt like hell. So, off to meetings I go. I have to work on me. Please focus on YOU, and your happiness. Life is so very, very short. Take care!
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