Butterfly

I seem to be stuck again in the dealing with the hurt the lies, what was true what wasn't. I feel so hurt everyday by what has happened how he has treated me, ignored me as though I don't exist that I never did.

I know I have to go through this and this is another part of the grieving process but I want to feel normal, I don't want to be thinking about the hurt he has caused me I don't want him to be in my thoughts to be the first person I think about when I wake up and the last when I go to bed, I don't want to walk around feeling hurt anymore. I've read when will the pain stop and ive had enough.

I still wonder whether what he said was true about Being in love with me and only wants the divorce so I will move or he's not in love with me. I know I know it doesn't matter how he feels or what he says his actions says it all he wants to live a life where he has no responsibilities and can drink unrestricted so why am I holding on to what he says???? Maybe because I still hope at times that he will sort himself out I know he can't fix or heal me I have to do that myself.

I'm struggling with feeling as though my life has fallen apart and I keep future tripping about being on my own forever and hiding away from the world!!

Thank you I needed to be heard today I feel that no one hears me I can't talk to friends they haven't been through this and am sure they are fed up hell I'm fed up!!

Hawkeye13

I don't know for you, but when I quit having any expectations of or wanting explainitions from my alcoholic mother, and detached from her emotionally whatever she said or did, I really began to find the first peace I had ever felt since dealing with her growing up or as an adult.

In other words, when I quit asking / thinking / wondering about her and her disease and how she felt about me really I got focused on myself and began to heal.

I know you think you've heard everyone say this to you many times--
But that step of letting go needing to know, because you never really will, is so very
empowering everything will change.

I literally was against the wall with the pain and was drinking myself to death to escape it. That's when I had enough.

Sounds like you are realizing this won't stop until you stop it.
The old paradigm that he will get better and you'll live happily ever after is not working.
Let that go and I think you'll turn a corner.

Hugs Butterfly

dandylion

Butterfly...ACTION BEFORE FEELING. Action changes feeling.
Action....get divorce complete finalized as soon as possible.
Action....Stop isolating and hiding away.
Action...Do the things that you have been advised, by those who have experienced this, that will help you.

You are still hanging onto false hope and waiting for him to come back....that is what is holding you in chains, at this point.

dandylion

LexieCat

Yup, for me, a big part of recovery was pushing OUTSIDE what I considered my "comfort zone." I did things that got me out of the house and around other people--I went to bookstores and browsed, went to coffee shops, took myself out to lunch. You could take an adult education class in something you've always wanted to learn--a language class or art class or something.

It gets your mind OFF what you are stuck on. Don't expect it to be fun right away. As I said, I had to force myself in the beginning. But it really does work.

SparkleKitty

Rebuilding my self esteem was a complicated process, but it couldn't begin until I stopped focusing on other people and looking for validation from them. Believe me, Butterfly, I know that is easier said than done.

It is good that you WANT to feel differently. Now is the time to start CHOOSING to shift gears when you find yourself deep amid thoughts of others. All of Lexie and Dandylion's suggestions above are great. It won't work every time, not at first, but you will get better with it with practice. Before you know it will be second nature.

Most importantly, I had to accept that I took a long time to dig myself into ruts of stinkin' thinkin, I was not going to come to the surface again overnight. Don't give yourself a time frame for changing, Butterfly, or you will only set yourself up for disappointment.

Butterfly

Part if me is till holding onto hope I know this I knew this the other day when my solicitor advised me he had agreed to mediation, I was hurt I suppose I thought or I wanted him to not reply as it would show me he didn't want to proceed. I didn't realise I was still holding onto hope until this.

I guess I'm having a hard time letting go, deep down I know my marriage wasn't good and he cant give me or show me the love I deserve and I deserve better and maybe I'm holding onto as it's better the devil you know, I don't know still working on that. I have realised that by hiding away and focusing on my kids and doing things for them, looking after the house and being busy with the kids and house work is my way of not going out into the world, I'm hiding behind my kids and responsibilities as that's easier, it's safe!!

dandylion

Butterfly...I hope that you are still digging deep into your family of origin work with your therapist. The losses and abandonments of your childhood will merge into present day losses and they will feel the same.
Not trying to say what you should be working on in therapy....but, you have shared some of that.....and, I know that resolving the pain of the past is a key to coping with losses of the present.

dandylion

Readreadread

Give yourself time to mourn. I think my stbxah and I were brought together for healing. We both didn't until things fell apart and now we are also given the opportunity to recover separate. I am not sure what he is doing now for his recovery, but I have grown tremendously, but still have a long way to go.... It is always sad when people don't choose us over drugs/alcohol but they don't know how to survive any other way. Try not to take it personal... You can still hope that he finds recovery.... I still hope for my ex but my life has to go on regardless and my daughter's. If all 3 of us go down the drain with addiction, what good is that? I remember telling myself, I love him, but I love myself more... Big hugs to you....

Refiner

((((Butterfly)))) It's tough to move forward- to move on to the next chapter. Don't let him, the "why's", the "if onlies" take up that real estate in your head. Keep your eye on YOUR prize and those exciting somethings that are around the corner, you just can't see them... yet.

CodeJob

Ben Franklin made a checklist for himself to build habits and stay focused.

Benjamin Franklin Style Checklist - Franklin's Checklist

I made one for me to be sure I kept doing a few things each day that I like doing - even if it takes a personal level of energy I don't have. Walking the dogs, gardening, reading, time on SR, etc. I am not even good at filling out, but having that list on paper got me scheduling in some good things.

Butterfly

Yes dandylion I am still working on my childhood and I think I am beginning to come to terms with that, my mum suffered severe depression which affected her ability to parent and affected how she interacted with me. Her behaviour had no reflection on me as a person, this I understand the long lasting effects I'm still working on!!

Read, I think my stbxah was brought into my life to destroy me, well that's how it feels right now!! I am mourning but I've had enough of it but I know I have to go through it!

Butterfly

When I think about what he has said I keep telling myself it doesn't matter what he says it's his actions!!!

LemonGirl

AWE.... Read, I feel like I can relate to your comment verbatim! Only I have two daughters... hehe...

Butterfly, I found that the dreams I had with my ex, were just that... my dreams. Yes, I thought he shared them with me and fit into those ideas, but his drinking was completely incongruent with what I want for my life. And that's his choice... As for me, I still have those dreams. Right now I am working on trusting in my hp that what I hold in my heart will come true when it's time. Until then, like some of our SR friends suggested above, I am getting busy doing things for me. I think I spent the first month in front of a television lots of reading, in my room, mostly alone, before I started to get out of my shell. And you know what? Shell time is necessary... and it comes and goes like waves.

Jane11

Hugs to you butterfly, I could have written that very same thing today in terms of how I also feel. Minus the divorce but the same thoughts of just wanting to be free of the pain and future tripping about never being free of it and never being happy again.

Thumper

((Hugs)).

My situation was different because I wasn't holding on to any hope. I left him. I wanted freedom and I got it. There was still a profound loss and sadness.

It takes time. It was at least a year for me before that balanced out and I felt 'normal' even longer before I found any real joy in daily life. So many years of fear and feeling insecure or stuck. It just took awhile to trust in life again I guess or maybe just believe in the newfound security and that I could be really happy and not just go through the motions.

Readreadread

Butterfly, I am having a good day today, yesterday I was angry.... And I still feel that my ex wants to destroy me. I have learned so much about myself in the last 3 years... If fighting a legal battle with a npd addict in finance, whose mom is a cpa and has a father as an attorney has not destroyed me, you will not be destroyed either... If you can survive in a relationship with an addict you can definitely survive not in one... I promise... I am sorry for the pain you are feeling today... It sucks, I have felt that many times... You will not be destroyed, you have tools; therapy and here to express your feelings and emotions... Feel all the bs and then try to let it go....

Butterfly

HMA ive been having shell time since he left 11 months ago I pop my head out for a while then quickly crawl back in again.

987g

I think what you are going thru is very normal. A lot of people here also gave me the advice reinvent myself, build my self esteem, ect. So I went and tried to change everything all at once. But to be honest, that didn't work for me. That much change all at once really scared me! So I took baby steps. I realized I wasn't happy at my job or with the hours I was keeping so I focused on finding the right job. I'm getting involved in one thing at a time instead of trying to force a completely new life style on myself all at once. Getting out and getting involved will make you feel better, but it won't make all your problems disappear. I have days where my heart aches or I get super angry but at least those days aren't every day. Grwiving takes time, don't be too hard on yourself becbause you have to deal with those tough emotions.

LemonGirl

Butterfly, I had a horrible ex husband in my early 20's.... I took TWO years to get through that! And it wasn't even that I was still in love with him... I was just really hurt by the situation. Looking back, I only wish I had taken that time to just work on myself. So what if I didn't feel like going out. Maybe you're just being introverted. That's fine. I think it's totally fine. But if you're unhappy doing this, then only you can change it by taking some sort of action. What about solo activities like swimming, hiking, or jogging....? Just you. There will be something you can find that you enjoy to baby step towards filling your life with positive things. And when those thoughts creep in (future trippin), it really is a matter of actively changing what you are doing and thinking about. And keeping busy with your kids and house work is probably helping you with that? It is hard to stay in the moment and live in the now, isn't it?

What is it that you feel you are missing? What do you imagine yourself doing other than housework and things for your kids? I hope you allow yourself to dream.... and then reach for those dreams

Santa

Many alcoholics are mentally ill in other ways as well - which makes total sense when you think about it. Whether they are narcissists, bipolar, borderline...alcohol is a way to self medicate.

We all know this. Yet this forum is filled with spouses, ex-spouses, GF and BF beating their heads against the wall, day in and day out, because their alcoholic did not, does not, and will not function as a rational human being.

It doesn't compute. Stop trying to make it compute, because it never will!