worried mom
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
worried mom
haven't posted in awhile and love having a family forum to come to and ask for support!
my ras just has challenge after challenge but mostly is staying clean. right now i'm being codie tested! he had major reconstructive shoulder surgery 3 weeks ago. his doctors all now know he struggles with addiction. (my telling them in the er a few months ago was the best decision i ever made!) so the pain management is going well and is between his doctor and him. takes me out of the equation which is a relief.
what's got me in a codie tither tonight is he had an abcess develop on his forearm same arm as surgery and it is not going away after 3 days of daily drain by doctors, antibiotic shots for 3 days and oral antibiotics. i'm feeling the panic build. back to doctors tomorrow and very possibly admitted to hospital if it hasn't improved. doesn't seem to be spreading but he is definitely not well.
some ptsd flashbacks happening for me. soooo many past trips to er, hospital and doctors over the last couple of years ..... probably 90% were doctor shopping when he was active, when i was in the dark... missed work friday and my boss is much less sympathetic than he used to be...
this whole medical incident is not addiction related but emotionally it feels like it is. hard to explain. i am front and center worried for him which is something i have not experienced much since i've been working my recovery. it's a scary episode which flashes into the scary addict behaviors which makes me feel crazy again!
it is very uncomfortable. i feel like i'm at war with myself emotionally... also tired from the whole experience as i'm doing all his household and parenting stuff since his surgery. and all my responsibilities. and trying to take care of myself..... and in writing this i realize i haven't allowed myself the understanding that it's been a rough ride here for a few weeks running. whew! thanks for "listening".
i also just helped him rewrap his wound and got my first real look and it's ugly and scared me... hidden blessing - he's not in active addiction so he's being adult about all of this. i would be in the abyss if he was that person he becomes when the beast is in charge...
prayers for my strength and sanity and prayers for his healing would be much appreciated - thanks!
my ras just has challenge after challenge but mostly is staying clean. right now i'm being codie tested! he had major reconstructive shoulder surgery 3 weeks ago. his doctors all now know he struggles with addiction. (my telling them in the er a few months ago was the best decision i ever made!) so the pain management is going well and is between his doctor and him. takes me out of the equation which is a relief.
what's got me in a codie tither tonight is he had an abcess develop on his forearm same arm as surgery and it is not going away after 3 days of daily drain by doctors, antibiotic shots for 3 days and oral antibiotics. i'm feeling the panic build. back to doctors tomorrow and very possibly admitted to hospital if it hasn't improved. doesn't seem to be spreading but he is definitely not well.
some ptsd flashbacks happening for me. soooo many past trips to er, hospital and doctors over the last couple of years ..... probably 90% were doctor shopping when he was active, when i was in the dark... missed work friday and my boss is much less sympathetic than he used to be...
this whole medical incident is not addiction related but emotionally it feels like it is. hard to explain. i am front and center worried for him which is something i have not experienced much since i've been working my recovery. it's a scary episode which flashes into the scary addict behaviors which makes me feel crazy again!
it is very uncomfortable. i feel like i'm at war with myself emotionally... also tired from the whole experience as i'm doing all his household and parenting stuff since his surgery. and all my responsibilities. and trying to take care of myself..... and in writing this i realize i haven't allowed myself the understanding that it's been a rough ride here for a few weeks running. whew! thanks for "listening".
i also just helped him rewrap his wound and got my first real look and it's ugly and scared me... hidden blessing - he's not in active addiction so he's being adult about all of this. i would be in the abyss if he was that person he becomes when the beast is in charge...
prayers for my strength and sanity and prayers for his healing would be much appreciated - thanks!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Oh, Lovenjoy, I feel for you. It's awful to be scared for our kids...whether due to addiction or illness or whatever.
I'm glad to hear that he is doing well and staying clean/sober and that should help him to heal better. they probably have to find the right antibiotic and maybe give it iv, to get this cleared up. these old germs are smarter these days, and need a double whammy , often.
Maybe you feel the old guilt about worrying, but this is different, and totally understandable. You have just had so much worry and it doesn't take much to put us over the top, sometimes.
Hugs and prayers for your son, and for your peace too. You are a wonderful mom.
chicory
I'm glad to hear that he is doing well and staying clean/sober and that should help him to heal better. they probably have to find the right antibiotic and maybe give it iv, to get this cleared up. these old germs are smarter these days, and need a double whammy , often.
Maybe you feel the old guilt about worrying, but this is different, and totally understandable. You have just had so much worry and it doesn't take much to put us over the top, sometimes.
Hugs and prayers for your son, and for your peace too. You are a wonderful mom.
chicory
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
That does sound scary, Lovenjoy, and I can understand the flashbacks to those addiction episodes. I'm glad it helped just to come to the realization that this is a very difficult period simply because of the surgery and the infection, and give yourself permission to feel worn out by all that is going on.
As I wrote this I realized that probably for many of us, we don't give ourselves a break when we face "normal" emergencies or just plain old bad things happening. We've spent so much time in a warzone where we knew the battle was for the life of our kids or loved ones, that I don't know...maybe we almost think it is wimpy to feel scared and stressed and a bit of panic when something happens that isn't addiction related? Not really sure if that observation makes sense to anyone but me, so my apologies if it sounds rambling.
You and your son have got lots of prayers and positive and healing thoughts coming your way. I hope too that you can get some sleep - all this must be physically and emotionally exhausting.
As I wrote this I realized that probably for many of us, we don't give ourselves a break when we face "normal" emergencies or just plain old bad things happening. We've spent so much time in a warzone where we knew the battle was for the life of our kids or loved ones, that I don't know...maybe we almost think it is wimpy to feel scared and stressed and a bit of panic when something happens that isn't addiction related? Not really sure if that observation makes sense to anyone but me, so my apologies if it sounds rambling.
You and your son have got lots of prayers and positive and healing thoughts coming your way. I hope too that you can get some sleep - all this must be physically and emotionally exhausting.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,680
we don't give ourselves a break when we face "normal" emergencies or just plain old bad things happening
Many prayers for you and your son Lovenjoy. I hope the antibiotics kick in quickly so you can both get some rest.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
lovenjoy
I completely understand feeling anxious when having to be in places where so much pain was experienced before. I think it's OK to acknowledge that. Daily trips to the ER is emotionally exhausting to anyone, let alone someone who has had to do so under much different circumstances than surgery and infection treatment.
I don't know that I have any magic solution, but it has helped me in the past to keep telling myself "that was then, this is now" and to remind myself as much as possible to just live in the now.
How does your son's infection seem today? Have the doctors been able to make any progress with it?
I completely understand feeling anxious when having to be in places where so much pain was experienced before. I think it's OK to acknowledge that. Daily trips to the ER is emotionally exhausting to anyone, let alone someone who has had to do so under much different circumstances than surgery and infection treatment.
I don't know that I have any magic solution, but it has helped me in the past to keep telling myself "that was then, this is now" and to remind myself as much as possible to just live in the now.
How does your son's infection seem today? Have the doctors been able to make any progress with it?
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
It's like a soldier hitting the ground when a car backfires. It's very different, but feels the same.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Lovenjoy--you have my prayers. Glad you could recognize the PTSD and also that you need to treat yourself with kindness.
Greet and MG--good posts.
Love coming here...was able to be a bit more relaxed today and say something to husband after posting yesterday.
Greet and MG--good posts.
Love coming here...was able to be a bit more relaxed today and say something to husband after posting yesterday.
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
thanks so much for the loving support, it has helped me in finding some balance this morning... each of your posts felt like i was leaning on strong shoulders while i'm feeling weak, thank you.
this rang a bell for me greet...
and i really like 'that was then, this is now' to stay in the moment...
just came from urgent care again, weekend care, and it now looks like the infection came from his heart. doctor came in from home after getting culture results to examine for himself and explain things to ras. more tests in the next couple of days to verify and then possibly heart surgery. from bad to worse here.
ras is much more concerned, really shaky actually. which in a strange way has stabilized my emotions. i always have been strong in the midst of serious situations. after, i fall apart completely!
debating how much and when to fill my boss in... i'm going to reach out to family and friends this afternoon... and you. i also want to be present going forward with medical appointments and wondering how best to make that happen without losing myself (codie action?) or making him feel like a child... it's called being an advocate in my opinion and i think anyone going through serious medical procedures should have one...
it has been a very long time since i have had any consistent peace in my life. i have learned to bask in the peaceful moments and that is a Godsend... would really like to have peaceful days, in a row, for long periods!!!!!
will distract myself with laundry and household stuff getting ready for more snow and what looks like an eventful week to come. this too shall pass.
thanks to all my cyber family for being strong shoulders for me!
this rang a bell for me greet...
Originally Posted by greeteachday 
maybe we almost think it is wimpy to feel scared and stressed and a bit of panic when something happens that isn't addiction related?
just came from urgent care again, weekend care, and it now looks like the infection came from his heart. doctor came in from home after getting culture results to examine for himself and explain things to ras. more tests in the next couple of days to verify and then possibly heart surgery. from bad to worse here.
ras is much more concerned, really shaky actually. which in a strange way has stabilized my emotions. i always have been strong in the midst of serious situations. after, i fall apart completely!
debating how much and when to fill my boss in... i'm going to reach out to family and friends this afternoon... and you. i also want to be present going forward with medical appointments and wondering how best to make that happen without losing myself (codie action?) or making him feel like a child... it's called being an advocate in my opinion and i think anyone going through serious medical procedures should have one...
it has been a very long time since i have had any consistent peace in my life. i have learned to bask in the peaceful moments and that is a Godsend... would really like to have peaceful days, in a row, for long periods!!!!!
will distract myself with laundry and household stuff getting ready for more snow and what looks like an eventful week to come. this too shall pass.
thanks to all my cyber family for being strong shoulders for me!
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
quick update
the antibiotics have taken hold and ras is much better today! he saw his surgeon this morning and he doesn't feel it is that serious. yes we'll check out the heart but heart surgery is very unlikely. the other doctor went to worst case, bit of an alarmist me thinks...
i had to dig out from about 10" of snow to get him to doctor's so i am wiped out and ready for a nap! boss said stay put so i'm gonna rest - physically and emotionally - then work from home this afternoon...
thanks for all the good thoughts and prayers! i swear yesterday i felt them wrapping me like a warm hug!
i had to dig out from about 10" of snow to get him to doctor's so i am wiped out and ready for a nap! boss said stay put so i'm gonna rest - physically and emotionally - then work from home this afternoon...
thanks for all the good thoughts and prayers! i swear yesterday i felt them wrapping me like a warm hug!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Lovenjoy!
So happy to hear your beloved sons infection is clearing.
You have always have my support and prayers!
Take care and rest some today...and could you please
send some of that snow over to us mommas in WI?
TF
So happy to hear your beloved sons infection is clearing.
You have always have my support and prayers!
Take care and rest some today...and could you please
send some of that snow over to us mommas in WI?
TF
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
ras is much more concerned, really shaky actually. which in a strange way has stabilized my emotions. i always have been strong in the midst of serious situations. after, i fall apart completely!
I'm sure you must be so relieved now. I'm very glad your son is starting to feel better. Glad the boss had a heart as well! I hope you can relax a bit later today and take the time you would have been traveling to work to get a bit of rest! Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Wishing only the best for you and your son! My mother is an active alcoholic, so whenever she calls or texts or plans to visit my heart always falls to my feet. I always seem to assume the worst, when half of the time everything is just fine. I think the unpredictability of addiction makes us less secure in our reactions.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: northern AZ
Posts: 796
i also want to be present going forward with medical appointments and wondering how best to make that happen without losing myself (codie action?) or making him feel like a child... it's called being an advocate in my opinion and i think anyone going through serious medical procedures should have one...
I'm glad to hear things are not as bad as once thought... what a relief on that! I so agree with your idea above. I've dealt with that for four years with a complicated medical condition that is ongoing. Its hard to figure out if you're being a codie or just a primary care giver. I've had to constantly monitor my own fear levels as well as behavior ... not hovering and making him feel like a child or throwing up my arms and saying "just take care of it yourself" when he feels that hovering. I've gone both ways... let him go to the doc alone... and the results were bad because I was in the dark when I really needed to know and he wasn't assertive. I've also had to attend and get assertive on his behalf. Its been a learning process and balancing act for both of us but it takes time working through and knowing what's called for in each situation.
The main thing I've had to learn to handle things is to take care of myself. I know its much easier said than done but I had to learn how to turn things over and... so important... to be gentle with myself and allow myself the feelings I was having instead of being "strong," fighting them and judging myself. The only way to get over the fear was to first walk through it without censuring myself for having it. Being a caregiver is a lonely path. When we find ourselves so focused on the care of our loved one, we forget to care for ourselves and no one else is going to. Everyone's attention is on the patient including our own. I know it sounds trite but its true... make time to cry. Make time to call out in your own pain. Don't ignore your own feelings until they become overwhelming. Make time for them.
You're doing great recognizing the PTSD element. I had to pay attention to my heart rate just walking into the docs office or hospital. It was my cue and I needed to stay calm to hear well on his behalf. Yes, "that was then, this is now" helps. That heart rate also tells me when I'm taking everything on my own shoulders... not good... and its calm beating tells me when I have things in the best perspective and not feeling victimized by the situation. I hate that word... victim... but that's how it feels sometimes and its okay. Its human and normal... I don't judge myself in other words... but acknowledging the feeling helps to pull out of it.
(((((hugs)))))
I'm glad to hear things are not as bad as once thought... what a relief on that! I so agree with your idea above. I've dealt with that for four years with a complicated medical condition that is ongoing. Its hard to figure out if you're being a codie or just a primary care giver. I've had to constantly monitor my own fear levels as well as behavior ... not hovering and making him feel like a child or throwing up my arms and saying "just take care of it yourself" when he feels that hovering. I've gone both ways... let him go to the doc alone... and the results were bad because I was in the dark when I really needed to know and he wasn't assertive. I've also had to attend and get assertive on his behalf. Its been a learning process and balancing act for both of us but it takes time working through and knowing what's called for in each situation.
The main thing I've had to learn to handle things is to take care of myself. I know its much easier said than done but I had to learn how to turn things over and... so important... to be gentle with myself and allow myself the feelings I was having instead of being "strong," fighting them and judging myself. The only way to get over the fear was to first walk through it without censuring myself for having it. Being a caregiver is a lonely path. When we find ourselves so focused on the care of our loved one, we forget to care for ourselves and no one else is going to. Everyone's attention is on the patient including our own. I know it sounds trite but its true... make time to cry. Make time to call out in your own pain. Don't ignore your own feelings until they become overwhelming. Make time for them.
You're doing great recognizing the PTSD element. I had to pay attention to my heart rate just walking into the docs office or hospital. It was my cue and I needed to stay calm to hear well on his behalf. Yes, "that was then, this is now" helps. That heart rate also tells me when I'm taking everything on my own shoulders... not good... and its calm beating tells me when I have things in the best perspective and not feeling victimized by the situation. I hate that word... victim... but that's how it feels sometimes and its okay. Its human and normal... I don't judge myself in other words... but acknowledging the feeling helps to pull out of it.
(((((hugs)))))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
(((Hugs)))) I liked the soldier analogy too. My son is clean for about 71 days and in rehab, despite a recent slip with spice, but I still get a knee jerk panic reaction when he gets upset. I know I can't control outcomes, but I'm amazed at how visceral a response it creates in me..heart racing, panic, etc.... My prayers go out to you and your son.
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